1. Uniforms. Columbus, Ohio is the kind of place where people, in one regard or another, still respect the notion of a uniform. This makes sense; this is where Professor Hayes wore a short sleeve white button down, a tie that appeared to be fitted for a man a full foot shorter than Hayes, geek glasses, a black hat, and pants pulled up to his navel no matter the weather, all the while wondering what particular handbasket the world had decided to go to hell in, and how he could put the hippies in it and send it to Gay Commie China or wherever the hell they wanted to take this fine, red-blooded America to in the first place.

Columbus is still the kind of place where people wear a uniform, and not just a code. (more…)

You’ll have to click though to find out the full meaning of Weis’ beautiful outfit, lovingly designed for him by Michigan fans with MS Paint skills to burn. Though surely the more cultured among you can guess, though, it’s mysterious meaning.

(HT: Brian.) There’s a few other stunners in there, including a few bordering on art or complete mania. Whichever one they are depends on your opinion on MS Paint-based artwork, which we endorse heartily as being the medium of our time. Well, the second-best medium of our time:

(more…)

Rich Rodriguez have press conference, make emotional statement, water get fall from eye.

Michigan football Rich Rodriguez appeared tear up as he talked about his program during his weekly news conference in Ann Arbor.

He sad. Say they follow rules. Not make player tow bus or work too hard. Go against everything RichRod teach and say. Rich Rod then discuss Western Michigan. Why you make Rich Rod sad, Freep? He appeared tear up! You feel shame Freepy. Man not made of stone. He made from man!

(Also, we have no video of the press conference yet, so the footage from Michigan’s practices will have to do.)

It’s not fair, but the resemblance to Fred Ward is stunning:

This is how you get Switzeriguez and Barwis running from rooftop to rooftop on campus, dodging huge, man-eating mutant worms Barwis shoots with an elephant gun. Also starring Reba McEntire, Michael Gross, and Lloyd Carr as “Grizzled Man with Golf Club Eaten in Opening Scene.” (HT: Keo)

We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 21, Iowa.

21. Iowa.

Companion Country: Singapore. Or if you think it strange, clearly you’ve never been to Iowa City:

We’ll sail tonight for Iowa
The city’s made of Bud Light cans
Rode my moped through some cops
Stacked my cheese and ate it
Got drunk with THE COACH-US SON
Beat Cocks in the Outback Bowl
Our quarterback’s efficient yes,
Our road schedule says, “Go see Jim Tress”
We hope for a Nine. And. Three.

Iowa is its own little island of football success despite the odds: only 3 million people in the entire state, and fewer still capable of running a 40 yard dash in less than 5 seconds. (Actually, Singapore with 4.5 million is bigger.) Yet like the tiniest of Asian tigers, Singapore managed to find success thanks to the strong hand of a dynamic leader who spawned a generation of young technocrats–including his lesser successor, Kirk Ferentz. (more…)

Next time a high profile recruit doesn’t work out, avoid the messy, unnecessary step of admitting you can’t recruit as a coach, and simply fall back on the new hottnezz: “We offered a scholarship to the wrong [INSERT NAME HERE}.” Ryan Miller, a fairly common name, happens to be the name of both Ryan Miller, a talented football player at Andrew Jackson Academy (”Where we teach violent AND crazy,”) and Ryan Miller, a 6′2″, 165 pound track runner and trumpet player at Lexington High School. And the two schools leaning furthest out to recruit this wunderkind who would be broken in half on the first kick return?

Letters began arriving early this summer from the University of South Carolina football office. Then a couple every week from Illinois. One from Tennessee. Others from Charleston Southern, East Carolina and North Carolina State.

Yeah, this explains a lot. See, we offered, and when he showed up, he had lost 125 pounds, 1.5 seconds off his forty time, and had become white. Durndest thing, I know. Even without their 165 pound lynchpin, South Carolina is improving offensively, but reading stuff like this…

Garcia overthrew several receivers, and that was when the ball wasn’t snapped over his head.

…makes us want to send deadly robots back in time to figure out what sapped Steve Spurrier of his J.R. Ewing swagger and turned him into this sad, grass-kicking ghost of a past ass-kicker at Sakerlina. Then, when we found out what did it, we’d take Urban as our coach anyway, but we’d send the robots to kill the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, because that show deserved to die in a hail of bullets and cyborg flame before it even crawled its tentacled way into existence. Isn’t it funny how they all hate each other DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.

A few Fulmer Cupdates from the hot August home stretch on the Fulmer Cup beat. A reminder: the final day of the competition will be September 1st, with all points becoming null and void at noon. The traditional Fulmer Cup Amnesty Day of September 2nd will be observed in concert with Football’s Eve, so if you know someone looking for a day when their offenses will neither be tallied in points or reported as in-season shame, this is the day to do it. The current standings are here, but a full EDSBS Scoreboard will be up on Friday.

To the awarding of the points:

–Penn State has two boozy outstanding cases pending. Senior lineman Ako Poti decided to go-cart drunk, and substituted the go-cart portion with a car, which is illegal in all states everywhere. (Except for Arkansas, where it’s termed “breezy ridin’,” and punishable by a stern talkin’ to by the local sheriff.) Poti blew somewhere between a .10 and a .16, a formidable sum for a huge man and worthy of two points for standard and unexceptional DUI.

Penn State gets no points for recruit Glenn Carson’s drunk and disorderly, as he was not an early enrollee or on the team at the time of his arrest. He does get an appreciative nod from Joaquin Phoenix, who only hopes Carson belted out a response of “MONEY!!!” when asked any questions by the police.

–Occasional Fulmer Cup contributor Ohio University gives us nothing as grandiose as Frank Solich’s mickey-fueled DUI arrest or the punching of a police horse, but the theft of two laptops will give you four points in the Fulmer Cup: one for the misdemeanor plea deal Travis Carrie took, and three for the felony charges on the books for Corey Moncrief. Moncrief is also planning to major in criminal justice, and seems to be failing the fieldwork portion. Ironic juxtaposition, bitches! (HT: DevilGrad.)

Worried about the Big 10’s recent habit of face-planting in high-profile out-of-conference games? Jim Delany isn’t:

“In any particular time frame, could be three years, could be five years, could be two years, you could get your ass kicked, OK?” Delany continued. “It can happen. We’re not playing Little Sisters of the Poor. We’re playing the best football teams in their region.

“So were we 1-6 (in bowl games) last year? Yeah. Were we 0-6 in the BCS in the last (three years)? We were. Those are the facts. But take me from 2000 or 1997 to 2005; I remember when Michigan played Ohio State [in 2006]. We were the toast of the town, one versus two, game of the century.”

Jim Delany’s not too worried about it, really. He wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. He’s not worried at all.

Sounds like a reasonably nonchalant response to the issue, even if, as Doc Saturday humbly points out, it’s a problem that isn’t likely to resolve itself this season no matter what Delany says. For all the criticism we’ve heaped on the Big 10 commissioner over the past couple years, he sounds like a guy who takes a level-headed, matter-of-fact approach to problems instead of panicking, which is the kind of trait you’d want in not only a conference commish but also . . . an advice columnist:

Dear Big 10 Commish,
My husband and I have three children: a son who is in college and two daughters, a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old. My older daughter was an A student all through elementary and middle school, but her grades have deteriorated markedly since she started high school. She has a boyfriend now and has been spending a lot more time with him and his clique of friends, and a lot less time studying or helping out around the house; she hasn’t been particularly combative toward me or my husband, but that’s mainly because we hardly ever see her at all. A couple weeks ago I found what looked like the remnants of a marijuana cigarette on our back patio; I asked her if she knew anything about it and she said she didn’t, and that she had never tried marijuana or any other drugs. Can I trust her? Is it time for me to put my foot down and make her stop spending as much time with her boyfriend, or will that only drive her further away?
Concerned Mother in Battle Creek

(more…)

A knock at the door of a bachelorette party somewhere in Iowa City.

Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt the party. I’m gonna have to ask you to quiet down, ladies. I know, I know. You’re having a bachelorette party, and you want to have some fun.

But we’re working on film next door, and discussing coverages, and it’s all really distracting for a group that could become the best linebacking corps in the Big Ten. The offseason is particularly important to us. It is the time when we gel as a team, study the opposition, and prepare ourselves physically and mentally for the rigors of the upcoming season. I know this is a special time for you, ma’am. Congratulations on your special day coming up.

We have a special day, too. It’s our opener against Northern Iowa on September 5th. What position will I be playing, ma’am? I’m a linebacker, though if you need me to switch positions, I will. Especially if you ladies happen to need…

This music starts playing.

…A QUALITY TIGHT END FOR THE EVENING. WOOOO!!! LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED COWBOY STYLE!!!

The camera fades as he begins to gyrate toward the bride.

FIN.

HT: Doc Saturday.

Scene: The post Big Ten Media Day dinner at Gibson’s Steakhouse in Chicago. Rich Rodriguez is dining at a table with several Michigan types. Jamie Foxx sits down at the table next to Rich Rodriguez.

RR: Hey! Weren’t you in Booty Call?

JF: Among other things, yeah, man.

RR: I remember that. You put a rubber glove on your stuff instead of a condom. That was GREAT.

JF: Thank you. What do you do?

RR: Well, I coach football. At the University of Michigan. But we had a pretty bad year last year.

RR looks hurt. He trails off.

JF: Hey, now. Let’s turn that frown upside down. You can talk about it.

RR: Naw, it’s…it’s difficult for me. It was so painful.

JF: It can’t be that bad, man.

RR: (pauses) We lost to Toledo.

JF: Oh, now, I didn’t know it was like that. You’re gonna have to sing that one out.

RR: I’m sorry?

JF: It’s the only way you’ll feel better about it. I’ll drop the beat for you, and you can just sing it. You heard my hit song, “Blame it on the Alcohol?”

RR: Have I? You bet. Gary Moeller loves that jam.

JF: Well, I just lay the track down like this…

RR: Really, I don’t know if I could…

Sultry drum machine kicks in. Rich Rod pulls an autotuned mike from his pocket.

(more…)