By percentages, you don’t have a dog in the fight in the Michigan/Ohio State game, but no one leans on the rape stand and watches a bitter contest like this with the aloof demeanor of a neutral bystander. You get in there, but up into the crowd, and sidle up to the edge of the ring and throw some ducats on the hound of your choice. Like many dogfights, the Ohio State/Michigan game could be broken up in a flurry of tear gas and jogging policemen, so pick lively and be on your toes for the kickoff tomorrow with our handy guide

Drink:

This hat was made from the beer consumed between 10:14 a.m. and 10:46 a.m. From an ode to Busch Light.

IF: 24 pack of Busch light: THEN: Ohio State. We’ve never seen people drink more shitty beer with greater voracity than Ohio State fans. Never. (more…)

The Subcommandante needs not appear on this blog anymore thanks to the Redneck Rocker. Gimme blood! Gimme blood pollution!!! Your favorite Mountain Dew-drinkin’, hell-raisin’ redneck is back, and it’s seven minutes plus of pure FYAH.

“I look at Daryl Clark and see the nightmares he can open for Ohio State. And if that happens, Penn State will win by 30.” For the Redneck Rocker, every game is a Hellraiser Box to be opened with someone being ripped apart by chains, usually you, you non-Buckeye bitch. If a hipster needs to have their soul crushed today, just play this entire video and wait for Justice’s “Genesis” to crank through. Yes, he probably got it from the Cadillac commercial, but it should still reduce them to a fine, shimmering cloud of dust in a matter of seconds.

Nittany Lion Drawn By Tom of Finland: Here, Terrelle. Take a tissue. I know how hard it can be.

Terrelle Pryor: Thanks, I just…I just try so hard.

Nittany Lion Drawn by Tom of Finland: I know, I know. Hey, have you been working out?

TP: Oh, like you wouldn’t believe. I’m so…sore. I just need someone to touch me and tell me it’s all gonna be all right.

Nittany: Oh, let’s just give those sore shoulders a rub and see what happens… [CUE MUSIC}

(The shirt’s been recalled, of course. But the Tom of Finland Nittany Lion attempting to turn Terrelle Pryor lives on in your hearts and in your pants.)

Due to overwhelming reader requests, we have no choice for our Mustache of the Day. Josh Hull of Penn State, you truly are the people’s choice. (Click to embiggen.)

HAPPY MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Possession receivers, gutty linebackers, all-heart fullbacks, that one weird fast dude Iowa always pulls out of a cornfield, and kickers unite in mourning: Minnesota wide receiver Eric Decker will miss the rest of the regular season with a sprained arch in his left foot, presumably strained while running too fast and exceeding the factory specifications laid out in the Caucasian Model Owner’s Guide. A moment of silence, please.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain…

Decker takes his 758 yards receiving and 5 TDs full of wan brilliance with him, meaning the burden of being the foremost honky skill athlete falls predictably to running back Toby Gerhart, who even more predictably plays for Stanford, is majoring in management, and has a profile that does not mention any of the following words: “nimble,” “fast”, or “speed.” Toby, you’re our only hope now. Take strength as thousands of slow-footed but determined white athletes have before you: in the completely plausible Rocky 3 training montage’s final sprint sequence.

(HT: FOTP, who was on the very same track mid-stream with us here.)

The Big Ten, superficially reviewed at the halfway point with the kind of hasty contempt you’ve come to expect from an SEC-affiliated blog.

1. Iowa Hello. You’re looking beautiful tonight, little lady. Thought we’d swing by Outback in a while. Get some…hot meat. You may notice my my stellar resume. Bulging pants, check. 67th in the nation in total offense without a running attack of any sort? Oh, check. I don’t do it on the ground, though, baby. That’s for animals. I want it standing up right here, dishing it to you like Ricky Stanzi in the pocket. Oh, I’m only gonna put it in the right place one out of every three times.

When I do, though? Magic happens baby. With the kind of D I sling, you only need to hit it once out of every three times. You seem nervous, baby. Don’t fight this. You know you want it. Remember that you always feel dirty after three good things: an Iowa victory, a hard workout, and being rolled out of the door of my car into a ditch at 30 miles an hour. If you’re lucky, a Saturday night with me’s gonna feature all three.

You’re not feeling it? Whatever, lady. That Wisconsin chick is looking pretty tipsy over there. She looks like she wants a blast of Vitamin F, ifyaknowhattamean.

2. Ohio State. Grimly fingerbanging its way through its schedule without having to resort to actually using the designed implement for scoring, Ohio State is saving putting it in the endzone properly for marriage but using all kinds of football outercourse to protect its chastity. (more…)

Down? Tryin’ to get a spark? Goshdangit, what you need is a canned Garage Band beat with some of [NAME REDACTED]’s finest cuts from his Monday morning interview following another intense, passionate loss to a Big Ten team. Illinois faces Michigan State this Saturday with new starting qb Eddie McGee, who will likely be benched for deposed starter qb Juice Williams in the third quarter because Illinois is dead last in scoring defense and scoring offense in the Big Ten, and that makes you a terrible, terrible football team no matter who is cluelessly slapping the controls of a plane in flat spin.

GET DOWN.


MP3 File

Come take the stick from me, *&^@#*&^@#*&^@#*&^@#

Minnesota linebacker “Hacksaw” Gary Tinsley, you earn the award for “Finishing the Drill, Resisting Arrest Exercise” for the week at the least for your outstanding performance after Saturday’s game with Northwestern. Is Tim Brewster recruiting speed? Hell yes he is:

Scouts take notice: Tinsley ran from the scene “extremely fast” when a uniformed University police officer arrived.

BIG TEN SPEED BABY. Clearly a different caliber of athlete has arrived in the Twin Cities to lead the Gophers to the promised land if even the police note your street speed. Put that in cleats, and it’s tipsy lightning ready to roll. Tinsley was cited for underage drinking, however, even if the police report did provide a glowing review of his afterburning capability. The same report includes details from the arrest of RB Kevin Whaley, who punched a bouncer in November and struggled with police afterwards in a violent fight spilling over into gridlocked traffic and featuring many censored quote balloons appearing in real time above Whaley’s head.

Whaley at one point hit an officer in the top of the head with his elbow, stating *&^@#*&^@#*&^@#*&^@# you bit*^. He repeated those words multiple times.

We want audio, since we’re wondering what 20 letter profanity is sitting there. “Bastardassholefucker,” perhaps? That’s our favorite, but profanity is a very personal choice.

If it can’t be explained in five minutes with Paintbrush and graphics found on the internet, it cannot be known. This week’s question comes courtesy of…

Adam Rittenberg of ESPN, the resident Big Ten blogger, wonders why Ohio State gets the national Cleveland Steamer treatment for their performance in big games while Oklahoma receives little of the same treatment for their even worse performance record in big games, a bias reflected in this week’s polls and their inequal treatment of both teams.

But another national powerhouse deserves the same treatment. Another big-name has been just as disappointing in big games, if not worse. And yet that team continues to escape the hate. Meet the Oklahoma Sooners. They’re apparently made out of Teflon.

Untrue. This has nothing to do with anyone’s dislike of Tressel, or a curious anti-Buckeye slant to national coverage. As usual, this can be explained with some handy statistics and the visual scalpel wielded by truth itself on our planet, MS Paint. (Or as seen here, Mac Paintbrush. Same thing, more pompous platform.)

This is the United States. Most people live on the coasts, as indicated by the extremely scientific arrows.

There are more eyeballs toward the coasts, and thus more people to see your failures, document them, and mock you for them when they happen. Oklahoma has a far more impressive resume in the department of championship fail, and mimics OU’s pattern of winning their conference, getting to a BCS bowl, and then depositing a shovelful of ass vindaloo into their collective shorts on national television.

Why the especially harsh rhetoric towards Ohio State? (more…)

I have been stabbed by Texas, shot by Florida, poisoned by LSU, frozen by USC, hung, electrocuted, and burned by the media…and every morning I wake up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender… I am an immortal.

(See Chris’s post on Sweatervest at Doc Saturday. Jeremiad-y in its intensity, cold science in its accuracy.)