This week’s installment of “excellence in media guide typos” comes courtesy of UGA. You won’t like it, but as usual, the answer to everything is 42:

Photo: Mark Bradley, AJC.

The guide has the 45-42 Tech victory last year in Athens as a 42-42 tie. Please note that the Florida score is accurate, and still registers a full, sexy 39 point margin of victory. Mark Bradley also mentions the differing tallies between Tech and UGA in the series, and takes pains to mention Jasper Sanks’ fumble/non-fumble in the ‘99 game and thus double-Rochambeau Dawg fans. Remember this when you’re kicking Bradley in the balls in person, and feel justified.

In the next installment in the Miami rap tradition:

Best lyric: “You can’t block the kick, because it was a pass.” The men are clearly looking forward to Miami’s innovative new “fake punt pass on first down” offense, which would be an improvement on Patrick Nix’s collection of terribly shitty plays, now available as a free pamphlet available on request from Braindeath Publishing House (”Preserving terrible ideas for future generations: Braindeath Publishing.”) HT: The 7th Floor Crew, who also bring us this fine animated gif of COMPLETE FUCKING OWNAGE.

We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 20, North Carolina.

19. Florida State.

Companion Country: Iraq.

Ah, we kid. Iraq was never big boss like Florida State was for two decades, winning two national titles, 12 conference titles, and showing that even the mightiest of football machines can sputter to a halt if the kicker decides to throw a spanner in the works. Parts of the Florida State campus are perpetually on fire, true, but let’s not diminish the significant accomplishments of Seminole football or the job Bobby Bowden did in building it from scratch. That’s Bowden’s job, and since 2001 he’s done a better job of that than anyone.

The more comparable quantity in fact and tone is Egypt: dependent now on erecting statues of its rulers, watching its grand plans for domination crumble, and muddling along as an influential but by no means hegemonic power in its region. (Look, kids, the pyramids; look, kids, the 1999 National Title trophy.) (more…)

We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 20, North Carolina.

20. North Carolina.

Companion Country: Spain.

Do road flares come in Carolina blue? Because if so, that would be great, thanks.

Because they have a recent modest upswing going, and would still rather be playing basketball or soccer than college football; have produced luminary after luminary despite being a rather aggregate meh as a collective unit; do well enough despite being surrounded by and trampled upon by more aggressive regional rivals; because they border at least one third-world state, have a cultural passion for ham, are more well-off than you might think at first glance, and thrive despite hilly, often inhospitable terrain.

North Carolina has managed to produce Lawrence Taylor, Willie Parker, Julius Peppers, Dre Bly, and a sackful of NFL talent and famed collegians despite an overall program record just floating above .500 and a local interest base best described as “August and Septembertastic.” (more…)

THIS IS NINJA COMPLIANCE OFFICER. HE STRIKES AT ANY TIME. HIS SILENCE IS HIS WEAPON. HIS STEALTH IS HIS SHIELD. YOUR DEATH IS HIS FOOD. IF HE CANNOT GET FOOD, HE WILL TAKE YOUR REMAINING ELIGIBILITY AS AN APPETIZER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Balogun stopped Florida running back Chris Rainey for a 3-yard loss on a play early in the first half. As Fox commentators told the story about Balogun playing semi-professional football before his college career, it reminded Florida State officials of a similar case for them.

Ryan Balogun, senior Oklahoma linebacker, may lose his senior year due to his having played for the semi-pro NAFL, a penalty that struck Florida State in the case of Corey Surrency, who lost his eligibility thanks to a similar case.

So, while watching the game and listening to Brennaman and Charles Davis wholesale slaughter the concept of calling a football game with rusty machetes, the FSU compliance officials struck back and phoned in Oklahoma for the same deal. Florida State and Oklahoma play each other in a home and home next year. This is how you spell instant fun, and is further proof that the BCS on Fox (save for Vasgersian’s “beer truck” call) ruins everything.

Orlando Sentinel, August 11th:

” “But now I can — let me say this,” he continued with a smile, “if not for the prostate, I could sleep all night. But there’s this little voice (that wakes him up numerous times during the night) that says, ‘Bobby, it’s time.’ ”

Bowden-Tara, 3:30 a.m. Jeff Bowden, manservant, enters with the cup of warm pudding.

Jeff: You really should sleep, sir.

Bowden: I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about ‘em.

Jeff: Suh, you really should–

Bowden: I’ve got to do something. They can’t just take my wins–

[Bobby Bowden's Prostate enters the room.] (more…)

We all have our limitations. We’re not ever going to have a clean shirt, because we’ve spilled something on it. Said shirt will also never be ironed, and matching pants for said shirt will be wrinkled or stained, because they just get that way after three seconds on our body. In the world of Mad Men, we’d be eating half-consumed hot dogs from a garbage can, completely unable in any way to contribute to society, since we hate jazz, look like hell in anything but a cartoonish suit, and have an attention span of OOH LOOKIE FUN QUOTE:

“I’m really not a disciplined running back,” Williams said. “I run my way. I’ve had coaches who have tried to teach me how to do this, do that. And I just can’t do it. At first, it didn’t sit well with Coach Hite at all. He’s constantly [saying], ‘Hammer the hole, hammer the hole. Hammer, hammer, hammer.’ He wants to see contact non-stop. I didn’t listen to him that much. I try not to make the contact. I try to make the people miss.

I’M YELLING FOR NO REASON BECAUSE YOU ARE UNCOACHABLE GOOD JOB.

At least Virginia Tech freshman Ryan Williams, the potential replacement for Darren Evans, recognizes his shortcomings and is open about it. “Frankly, coach, I’m uncoachable. Blitz pickup? You’ll want someone else in here for that, or Tyrod’s gonna be human marmalade smeared on the grass back there. Contact? Contact gets you hurt, coach, and I’m not entering this Maserati in a backwoods demolition derby anytime soon. Also, I only cut to the right. You may think this predictable, but it’s my style. Like a cat with its whiskers cut, my inner gyroscope only goes one direction. In fact, if I stand still long enough, I fall over like an imbalanced Weeble. You may want to move, actually. We’ve been standing here for a while.”

Williams was impressive in VT’s scrimmage, carrying 6 times for 27 yards and returning a punt 82 yards for a TD. Despite being able to only cut to the right and being completely uncoachable. (HT: Nathan.)

We have lots of embarrassing photos of us. There’s this, and the photo our attorney has on his refrigerator of us in a mini-skirt doing the “I’m a little teapot” dance, and of course, this. (At least we’re the ones who’ve been almost naked around Megan Fox, suckers.)

Then again, we’re not sure if there’s any excuse for [screeching record needle] HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL REEEEEEEEEEEEMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX. (Click for big. You’ll want to.)

They’re all in this together! (more…)

With just a shade under four weeks left to go before the 2009 season finally, mercifully kicks off, the coaches — or, rather, their poor, put-upon assistants, with the exception of Steve Spurrier’s, who isn’t even being allowed to call in the OBC’s take-out orders anymore after the Tim Tebow/All-SEC foofaraw — have issued their preseason Top 25. The rankings are as follows:

1. Florida (53 first-place votes)
2. Texas (4)
3. Oklahoma (1)
4. Southern California (1)
5. Alabama
6. Ohio State
7. Virginia Tech
8. Penn State
9. LSU
10. Ole Miss
11. Oklahoma State
12. California
13. Georgia
14. Oregon
15. Georgia Tech
16. Boise State
17. Texas Christian
18. Utah
19. Florida State
20. North Carolina
21. Iowa
22. Nebraska
23. Notre Dame
24. Brigham Young
25. Oregon State

Others receiving votes: Kansas, Michigan State, Texas Tech, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Rutgers, Miami (Florida), Missouri, Illinois, Clemson, South Carolina, UCLA, Auburn, Nevada, South Florida, Kentucky, North Carolina State, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Northwestern, Southern Miss, Wake Forest, Arizona, Boston College, Central Michigan, East Carolina, Colorado, Maryland, Navy, Tennessee, Houston, Michigan, Minnesota, Troy.

Curiosities, travesties, and other things that struck me after the jump — along with y’all’s chance to tear this thing up yourselves. (more…)