Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Virginia Tech at East Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, featuring the Virginia Tech Hokies versus the East Carolina Pirates. Tonight’s game will feature YARRRRRRRRRRR pirates, so someone is surrendering the booty tonight.

Bad. Ass.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Virginia Tech’s offense has been better than its dismal usual this year for two reasons: the improved run blocking of the Hokies offensive line and the emergence of Ryan Williams, the freshman running back who enters the game with 930 yards rushing and 10 TDs. (more…)

Ours could be any number of things:

–”STILL MORE MOBILE THAN CHRIS WEINKE”
–”THERE WERE FLOWERS HERE BUT PHIL FULMER ATE THEM”
–”YOU’RE AT THE WRONG TOMBSTONE MIAMI’S SWAGGER IS FOUR SPOTS DOWN AND DIED IN 2002″
–”IF TIM’S RIGHT I’M IN HELL RIGHT NOW GO GATORS.”
–”CANCER: NATURE’S ORIGINAL UNSTOPPABLE SPREAD OFFENSE.”
–”NOT DEAD–JUST HIDING FROM ED ORGERON.”

Please leave your own personalized epitaphs below, and salute Mr. Smith, an American hero, and JBoxt1, who found this brilliance.

Mickey Andrews will be retiring from his position as Florida State’s defensive coordinator at season’s end, ending an illustrious career spanning five decades and including two national championship defenses for the Seminoles.

An emotional Andrews made the announcement at the Orthopedic and Sports Surgery Convention of North Florida and Southern Alabama, where the longtime defensive stalwart and coaching icon was scheduled to receive a lifetime achievement award in Knee Surgery generation. Andrews was known not only for his hard hitting defenses, but for his defenses’ ability to move the field of reconstructive surgery forward with new and ever-evolving variations of knee damage.

“I can’t tell you how many different knees we had roll through here, but I could always tell which one’s had Mickey’s name all over it,” said reconstructive surgery legend Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham. “They didn’t just tear. By the time they got to me, it looked the way a truck tire had blown up in there, treads flapping and flying all over the place. I owe him a lake house or two, that’s for sure.”

Andrews’ can claim a long list of NFL draftees developed under his supervision, including NFL legends Deion Sanders and Derek Brooks. (more…)

If Butch Davis is managing our team in an endgame scenario, we have a new addition to our living will. Please take the nearest well-maintained M40, load it with the asparagus spear-sized bullets they take, and then aim it carefully at our skull and fire using a well-calibrated scope. We’ll stay still for it, since the swift de-braining experienced would be faster and more pleasant than watching what will happen otherwise. No charges filed. We swear.

Instant reax here. By MVP, we mean real, literal value. Without Christian Ponder, Florida State would be Jacksonville State with much nicer stuff.

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Florida State at North Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, the chance for you to listen to Chris Fowler unleash his happy self on a broadcast as an underrated and exuberant play-by-play man before he has to return to the set to baby sit Captain Handsomepants and Grampa Stammers (DON’T LOOK AT US LIKE THAT HE WAS STAMMER-Y BEFORE THE STROKE.)

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. To properly illustrate the duel we have going on here, pardon a digression into the past of a geek: the Marvel Superheroes Advanced Game.

Marvel Superheroes was an idea time-killer for the ADD set because it didn’t require you to build characters, scream “lightning bolt!” while you hurled a 20-sided die, or do anything else that required work or possible contamination from the tights-wearing ren-fair crowd. No, what you could do was pick three cards at random, and put your characters down on a board representing a city block, and then start wrecking some virtual shit. I try to rip the Hulk’s balls off with my mind. That’s the proper way to have fun with Professor X, Hollywood screenwriters. Take note, and cash us our 10% royalty check when the movie’s made.

The parallels with FSU and UNC follow forthwith: more often than not, we picked our players at random. (more…)

At this point in the season we review each major conference team-by-team and ask what’s how the campaign’s faring thus far. We’re also doing the ACC.

1. Virginia Tech. If the ACC were ancient Greece, Virginia Tech would be its Athens: a proud, functional state led by a charismatic enlightened leader which, from time to time, gets the plague, suffers damaging military defeats, and has long, punchless stretches on offense. This year’s model varies slightly from the usual grappler/asphyxiator model Frank Beamer likes to trot out each year. The variations: an actual number one running back of productive nature in Ryan Williams, who takes back some of the yards given up on the other side by a rush defense that by Bud Foster’s standards has spent as much time on her back as female British tourist on holiday.

The rogering has been harmless to this point, though. Tyrod Taylor has graduated from status as “ditzy, ADD-stricken scrambler of no effect” to “ditzy, sometimes fatally efficient ADD-stricken scrambler of note.” Nebraska fans, look away, and the rest of you enjoy the fan screaming “Get rid of the ball you stupid piece of shi–” just at Taylor unleashes the winning throw.

VT is second in the ACC in passing efficiency thanks to the forceful run game and low red-zone percentages being put up by the defense, which is why they’re lagging in total d, being (relatively) generous with yardage and stingy with points. (more…)

Excerpted from TK Wetherell’s statement regarding the coaching situation at FSU, discussed briefly here, and illustrated below.

Two years ago Coach Bowden and I and others stood together and announced that we were beginning a period of transition for the football program.

That plan is in place and will produce results, given the opportunity and support.

…I want to assure all fans, friends, supporters and alumni of Florida State University that that transition will be finalized. Jimbo Fisher will be Florida State University’s next Head Football Coach. (more…)

Miami’s effort to hijack the Sooner Schooner and turn it into a rolling bonfire will have to happen without starting safety Randy Phillips, who along with backup JoJo Nicolas will miss the OU game with injuries. This is one of the factual things one might need to know when prognosticating about the game. This is one of the factual things one might not need to know, but will appreciate hearing about in a world where good news is scarce:

• Coach Randy Shannon said quarterback Spencer Whipple — who transferred this week from Massachusetts and is the son of UM offensive coordinator Mark Whipple — has done a good job of running the scout team.

A well-leveraged life change, that. Hey, son. I’ve got this new gig in Miami. Care to abandon your sunless, freezing life among the Tawmmys of the world to run the scout team in Coral Gables, where your most serious injury might be a blown vas deferens due to overuse? Why, sure, dad. I think I’d like to improve my life about three thousand times in the span of a few pieces of paperwork and a single plane flight. Excellent work, Spencer Whipple. Your chance of being randomly killed in a spectacular and gory fashion just went through the roof, but opportunity costs are opportunity costs.

Oh, you’ve done it now: Sam Bradford will not start against Miami, yielding the way for Landry Jones to step forward, unleash mustache hell on the Hurricanes, and then triumphantly ride his President Camacho motortrike to South Beach for a case of Busch Light and a six pack of ladies to finish the night off right.

Wassup, ’scro. Don’t be a pussy and pass me a beer.

Every week Chris Brown from Smart Football takes your questions here about football and football-related game theory. This week, he explains precisely how Virginia Tech turned Miami 2009 into Miami 2008 for four quarters last weekend. Submit your questions for Chris at twitter.com/edsbs, your source for football chicanery and zombie law links since 2008. Enjoy.

I didn’t get to watch the Miami-Virginia Tech game until after I already knew the outcome — I had been at another game at the same time, and was as surprised as anyone that Virginia Tech could score thirty-one, and even more than Miami managed a meager seven. But I can honestly say that I had more fun watching this game on replay, already knowing the outcome, than anything I’ve watched this year.

That might come as a surprise considering I just did an extensive breakdown of Miami’s (previously) vaunted pass offense, have family members who are diehard Canes fans, and still think Jacory Harris is one of the most entertaining players in the country. But you have to love what Bud Foster and Frank Beamer were able to do with Virginia Tech. (more…)