Clemson has a long and storied tradition of football excellence. This is not about any of it, and neither is the following story.

Fear not, fair citizens of Clemson. The scourge of drunk scooter driving has been eradicated for the moment thanks to the diligent work of local police and the blind stupidity of starting center Barry Humphries, arrested for a drunk driving charge on May 2nd when he was picked up at 4:59 a.m. by police. Even Dabo Swinney knows this is funny–um, yes, deadly serious:

Even though he was on a motor scooter, we take this charge seriously.

Of course you do: that’s why you suspended him two games, even if you were giggling when you did it. By the way, 4:59 is hellaciously late by anyone’s standards, and a time when unless you are waking up to lift weights and milk cows (or lift cows and milk weights, if you’re a real badass.) If you doubt this, consult the Swindle Nightlife Gazetteer’s “Hours/Activities Chart:”

12:00–1:00 a.m.: Dancing. Bar games executed at competent to excellent level. Mackin’. Mild nibbling of appetizers.

1:00–2:00 p.m. Demonstrating still confident yet ironic ability to “lean with it.” (more…)

The outstanding young thespian in that flick is senior BC linebacker Mark Herzlich. His obvious sense of humor may be more useful than any of his considerable football skills in the extremely unfair and daunting task he has to do next:beat cancer.

“This past week, I got some news nobody wants to hear. After undergoing some tests to determine the cause of some pain I had been experiencing in my leg, I learned that I have Ewing’s Sarcoma.

“Obviously, I was shocked. I had been extremely focused on preparing for my senior season at Boston College and for life beyond that. Now, I must channel all that energy into facing my toughest opponent yet, and that is exactly what I will do.

The Wiki entry on the particular cancer Herzlich has, a rare form known as Ewing’s Sarcoma, says the five-year survival rate for the disease is 70-80%. With early detection, his prognosis is very, very good, but all happy thoughts to Herzlich, who after all is nasty enough to kick something like cancer’s ass, but also nice enough to help nuns shovel snow (even if they have goatees.)

Headline!

ACC official and game-speed-retardant Ron Cherry begs to differ, as he’s givin’ the business more effectively than ever:

(more…)

According to David Whitley, you’re lucky you get any Florida State coverage at all:

It used to be the same in Tallahassee. Now when Bobby Bowden walks off the practice field, he is usually greeted by the Sentinel’s Andrew Carter, someone from the Tallahassee Democrat and maybe a couple of students working part-time for state papers.

Whitley then goes on to bemoan how this is a result of Florida moving the needle more than the Seminoles at the moment, and how this will lead to the end of democracy as we know it, dogs driving limousines over fields of innocent babies, and the sun turning purple and winking at all of us shortly before exploding and obliterating the entire universe.

It is surely it is all exactly this serious without exaggeration, but if you would like Florida State coverage, we have the perfect solution. Just go to Rivals.com or Scout, who are more than happy to share the evolving depth chart, complimentary team news, and bits of interesting but non-threatening team gossip, and then throw in random quotes from a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon. See, it works:

FSU’s quarterbacks performed well in the scrimmage, something coach Bobby Bowden said was a result of all the hard work the Seminoles had put in over the course of the spring.

Florida State’s spring game is on Saturday.

See? You’re missing nothing. It reads like every other article on Florida State football you’ve ever read. As for the accusation that Florida State fans won’t ever read anything honestly critical about their program, two points. One: fans typically don’t believe anything negative written about their program anyway. Two: anyone who thinks fans themselves aren’t critical of their teams and more than willing to traffic in rumor despite the best efforts of administration and media to quell those rumors missed the entire Houston Nutt debacle.

–The Dorsey Stretch

–Schnellenberger versus the World (World’s on its knees here)

–The Gailey Position (for Miami, that’s on the knees.)

–The Dade County Toothbrush

(HT: Dave and Orangebloods)

Maybe we’re just dodging you because we’re so scared of your big selves! That has to be it! Or because we’re gay! You know, like gay-tors, because gay people are such timid little people! Pass the cock sandwiches, please! WE’LL TAKE THREE!!!

With the entire rhetorical magazine of the Miami Hurricanes’ fan exhausted for them in one easy intro paragraph, we’ll move to the particulars. Florida does indeed have no plans to face the ‘Canes past the 2013 date, most likely because scheduling another home and away puts a dent in home ticket sales, and that’s not something Jeremy Foley wants to do in a recession economy he’s already said has forced spending constraints on the Florida program. (We’re now down to triple-ply woven silk toilet paper in Meyer’s lavatory. Savage, really, what this is doing to us.)

A better question: why you duckin’ FIU, bitches? We all know the answer. Three letters that contain more asskick than your entire team put together. N-E-D.

10/14/06: Never Forget.

If only we could breed him with SpaceBat and take the next step in human evolution…oh, then we’d be talking progress on a hot skillet, now.

This is pretty much our favorite Mottram photoshop ever. Percy got a 12 on his Wonderlic, which makes you wonder if he thought Urban was Urban, or a fly honey he wanted to smack up just to, you know, let her know he was there.

Neither Harvin nor even Hakeem Nicks descended into Darren Davis territory, which is good because Davis has been trapped in a South Dakota casino since September 2007, and despite numerous rescue attempts has not managed to find the door yet. (They are confusing places, and all the shiny things and casino booping and beeping can’t help.)

Presenting a matchup so retro one should be forced to watch it with a pair of hot-orange Oakleys on and while wearing a well-gelled mullet: Notre Dame and Miami are considering re-upping for their rivalry game, a series that has been on hiatus since a three-game stretch in 1987-1990 and was dubbed “Catholics versus Convicts,” an unfair accusation towards Miami in so many ways. (Probation is a totally different thing, and if you’d ever done anything fun enough in your life to get arrested for it, you’d know that.)

We’d watch it even if Miami in the 2000s has been less Miami, and more “Clemson With Skin Cancer” since joining the ACC. (Similarly put, Notre Dame would just have be “Notre Dame, but with a lingering bone cancer.)

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick shows off his flair for bland but simultaneously inaccurate rhetoric in describing the matchup on more than just a football level:

Playing Miami is appealing, Swarbrick said, because “they are two great academic institutions. We’re eager to play schools that share our values. There’s a lot of great history around the games.”

We weren’t aware of Notre Dame’s declared love for chunky asses and teetering donks, and was equally ignorant of Miami’s fondness for cold weather and overpaying coaches. There’s no set date on it yet, but talks will resume in April to figure out which slots in Notre Dame’s remaining contract with NBC–good through 2015!–can accommodate the game. If it features anything like converting 3rd and 43 from your own goalline, it will be worth any trouble you care to go through to make it happen.

Since we got in trouble the last time we posted realtor’s pictures, here is a photo of a burning house.

How much would you pay for a four bedroom house in rural South Carolina? Do we hear $1.35 million? No, we don’t, but that’s because you’re clearly not taking the true cash value of bitch mentality into account here. Tommy Bowden’s house on Lake Hartwell is for sale, and it not only comes with a heaping surplus of bitch mentality to spread around the place, but also four bathrooms, a boat dock, marble flooring, exercise room, guest quarters, pool, and Rod Spence just hanging around the place for the next year or so wondering if you need him to, you know, fix anything up or call a bubble screen or somethin’.

Randy Shannon isn’t short: he just spends a lot of time around really tall people. (HT: The 7th Floor.