Orson: I say we do this by order of MEDIOCRE THINGS, because it is a mediocre weekend of football in general.

Holly: Huzzah, Homecoming!

Orson: Northwestern@ Iowa. Mediocre thing to match: Push-ups. Insubstantial, cold, and frustrating because after all that pushing and licking, it’s really just z-grade corn syrup, carageenan, and fake citrus flavoring all jammed in semi-appealing package. Iowa will be the nub left at the end, the little useless plastic wheel you’re left with at the end. We know where this season is headed, and it is sad Push-Up territory.

Holly: That you can’t quite suck all the orange froth out of. Although, don’t get me wrong, a transitive loss to Syracuse would reverse my desire to burn Ricky Stanzi as a witch.

Orson: Right. Neither team wears orange, but that would wreck a barely passable metaphor. (more…)

The Subcommandante needs not appear on this blog anymore thanks to the Redneck Rocker. Gimme blood! Gimme blood pollution!!! Your favorite Mountain Dew-drinkin’, hell-raisin’ redneck is back, and it’s seven minutes plus of pure FYAH.

“I look at Daryl Clark and see the nightmares he can open for Ohio State. And if that happens, Penn State will win by 30.” For the Redneck Rocker, every game is a Hellraiser Box to be opened with someone being ripped apart by chains, usually you, you non-Buckeye bitch. If a hipster needs to have their soul crushed today, just play this entire video and wait for Justice’s “Genesis” to crank through. Yes, he probably got it from the Cadillac commercial, but it should still reduce them to a fine, shimmering cloud of dust in a matter of seconds.

Urban Meyer has been fined $30,000 for his comments about SEC officiating, the logical endpoint of the SEC backing itself so far into a corner re: officiating. As Holly suggests, the proper greeting to this (as it is for so many things) is a thoroughly lazy wanking motion in the direction of the SEC offices, but not so for Meyer. He still has to pay the $30K, but no one has defined form of payment.

We have suggestions.

–7 freshly circumsised and adoptable Filipino baby boys. (No questions asked.)

“Yeah, seven. But it’ll cost you. Bob Tebow Ministries doesn’t run on prayer and happy thoughts alone.

–600,000 nickels delivered in cheap garbage bags.

–1749 copies of this (ON SALE) classic by seven-time Pulitzer Prize Winner and astronaut Mike Freeman.

–Check written from his Cayman Islands account. (Takes days to clear, sure to draw IRS audit.)

–Three live Siberian Tigers. Black market prices, and surely available on a moment’s notice in Miami.

–Coupon for five favorable calls made by SEC referees in the game of their choice.

All are roughly equivalent to $30K or so, and should suffice in making Mike Slive feel more Roger Goodell-ish by the moment.

Wyoming plays BYU this weekend. This marks an important point in the season for Dave Christensen and the Cowboys, who can continue the upward trend in a rebuilding year by getting above .500 and defeating a powerful conference foe in BYU. There is historical resonance here, too: this game marks the 40th anniversary of the Black 14 game in 1969. 14 black members of the Cowboys squad were kicked off the team that year for planning to wear black armbands in protest of BYU’s policies of racial discrimination. (The official policy of discrimination was lifted in 1978.) Wyoming won anyway by a margin of 40-7, but the incident caused a national stir anyway, and led to further incidents like this one against Colorado State in 1970.

Most notably, when BYU’s basketball team played at Colorado State the following winter (1970), protestors threw raw eggs and a flaming molotov cocktail on the floor, and a piece of angle iron struck a newspaper photographer, drawing blood and knocking him unconscious. Approximately 50 blacks and whites charged onto the floor at halftime to disrupt a performance by BYU’s Cougarettes, and police were called in to quell the riot.

That’s how one properly storms the floor. Enough history: bring on the Cougar dong, please.

Ahh, that’s much better. (HT: The geniuses at Shaggy Bevo.) Nothing clears up a moment of solemn reflection like a poorly placed Cougar tail and one kid in an orange hat who looks reaaaaaaallllly psyched about his mascot packing furry womb wand the size of a Claymore in his holy undergarments.

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Virginia Tech at East Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, featuring the Virginia Tech Hokies versus the East Carolina Pirates. Tonight’s game will feature YARRRRRRRRRRR pirates, so someone is surrendering the booty tonight.

Bad. Ass.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Virginia Tech’s offense has been better than its dismal usual this year for two reasons: the improved run blocking of the Hokies offensive line and the emergence of Ryan Williams, the freshman running back who enters the game with 930 yards rushing and 10 TDs. (more…)

Nittany Lion Drawn By Tom of Finland: Here, Terrelle. Take a tissue. I know how hard it can be.

Terrelle Pryor: Thanks, I just…I just try so hard.

Nittany Lion Drawn by Tom of Finland: I know, I know. Hey, have you been working out?

TP: Oh, like you wouldn’t believe. I’m so…sore. I just need someone to touch me and tell me it’s all gonna be all right.

Nittany: Oh, let’s just give those sore shoulders a rub and see what happens… [CUE MUSIC}

(The shirt’s been recalled, of course. But the Tom of Finland Nittany Lion attempting to turn Terrelle Pryor lives on in your hearts and in your pants.)

Another cold day, he thought. His breath snapped in front of him like a frozen ghost. It disappeared as quickly as a married woman leaving your bed: suddenly, and sure to return in a few sad, empty seconds. He’d been breathing for years. It didn’t seem to help.

He thought about pouring a scotch. He poured a scotch. (more…)

Colorado once wore power blue uniforms without shame and with regularity. Correction: there probably was some shame involved since the team did it from 1981-84, a span including ten wins out of 44 games. If that sounds familiar, it should; it’s about three wins less than Dan Hawkins 13 win total in year in year four of his coaching tenure.

We swear this happened. Look:

Colorado fans have opened the first official act of nonviolent resistance this year by starting a Facebook group asking fans to wear powder blue to the game on Saturday against Texas A&M. It’s only fair, since Colorado’s football team has been engaged in an act of nonviolent resistance to opponents all year long.