Via: The House Rock Built.

National title rings! A perfectly smooth bald head that can be used in a pinch as a whiteboard during meetings to save money on office supplies! 24 or so points of offense guaranteed per game, including the best offense between the twenty yard lines that money can buy! Success is spelled A-D-D-A-Z-I-O, Memphis. Call him soon. Hell, call him now oh please god won’t you. He’s just waiting by the phone for your offer, eating pieces of paper covered in diagrams of dive plays and planned sacks on third and goal.

(HT: Card Chronicle via TSB. ) The execution and composition really are stunning: a 90% accurate Drake imitation complete with autotune, high production values, and the fluid dropping of the phrase “Bet the Kroger ads will miiiiisss you” in the verse. We mean this: this is extremely well done, so much so you have to actively listen to remember it is a parody urging the firing of a coach with a IKEA furniture label for a last name. (Unlike the entire Iowa team, who really do all have fine Swedish gibberish for last names.)

It’s only fair at this point to say that when Kragthorpe was hired, we actually thought this would work out for the best. Hey, young coach. Hey, youngish program with offense to burn. Hey, young football coach setting that burning talent on fire and pushing it down a hill before it goes off a bridge and into a barge made of papier mache soaked in gasoline. Hey, the screaming and horror.

If you want a coach who can slide right into that Kroger slot then Tuberville would be your man. He pitched Kroger with great aplomb while at Auburn, raising his nose to the sky and, in reaction to the smell of hot dogs, recited the deathless line “Smells like…victory.” Jurich should get on the stick, though: the early running in the coaching coup-stakes for this offseason looks like a race for the Golden Flake pitchman extraordinaire, who if he really used potato chips as bait would get more of a response from his players than Kragthorpe gets from his. Tuberville coached at A&M, and will certainly hear a call when coach/walking bologna sandwich Mike Sherman gets fired.

Then it’s Jimmy Sexton, two fully charged cellphones, and you bending over and taking it for three days of solid negotiating Barbary Coast-style. Bring a good attitude, lube, and a cushion to lay over the barrel, because as savage as it will be, it’s better than the current madness going on at either school.

You know what we’re thinking? Encore performance, Herr Schnellenberger! Encore, we say!

(The most beautiful thing in the world came to us via the Something Awful forums and Twitter user @hasorey)

Meanwhile, the Monolith leading Alabama to the next step in evolution, Nick Saban, was given a contract extension through January 31st, 2018. If Saban is still the head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide at that point, he inherits the rights to all public land in the state of Alabama and all citizens dwelling therein, turning the state government and its lands nto his private fiefdom to rule as he sees fit. It won’t happen, but the lawyer just liked the sound of it, and once they get rolling withe the clauses and codicils, it’s hard to stop them. If that clause kicks in, all State Capital employees are to report to the conference room for the morning beatings and mat drills. Sorry. It’s in the contract.

The contract could pay Saban a total of $4.7 mil annually, or possibly more if/when another school goes bananapants and shells out more for a coach. From Chris Low’s report:

The contract guarantees Saban will be among the nation’s five highest-paid football coaches or the three highest in the Southeastern Conference, whichever is higher. His pay cannot fall below those averages.

Ball on, Coach Ahab. The contract has been in the works for a while, so it’s nice to see Alabama settle the man down for the long haul and make a commitment to a coach clearly harassed and pressured by Alabama fans’ refusal to accept only ten wins a year. He can finally start to get comfortable, especially now that they’re paying him a living wage at last.

One reason some schools are terrified of hiring black coaches: they’re terrified of alienating the all-important demographic of racist recruits. Another: the fear the black coach will make fun of them when they’re dancing at the holiday party. (They will, though.)

And still another: the fear of looking like racists if they fire the head coach, or worse still the resulting expensive litigation blossoming after the firing? That fear may be semi-rational, but it is a bit less rational after the dismissal of the verdict in the Jerry Baldwin case this week. Baldwin was the inept coach at UL-Lafayette, and led the Ragin’ Cajuns directly into the hole with a 6-27 record before his firing after three seasons in 2001.

Reading between the lines, the main reason for the overturn seems to be that the trial happened in Louisiana, and went about as well as most Louisiana jury trials go: disastrously for Teams Logic and Fairness. Pay attention and laugh along, Category 5:

The appeals court also found Johnson wrongly granted “expert witness” status to a man who testified about how being fired might make it difficult for Baldwin to obtain another coaching job.

The appeals judge ruled that the man offered only a personal view unsupported by any “indicia of reliability.”

In addition to our lifelong dream of being convicted for practicing law without a license, we now have a new one: being an expert witness on something in a trial without having any expertise in the subject whatsoever. Available immediately, willing to travel, and will claim intimate knowledge of any discipline whatsoever. “So Professor Swindle, what made this mineshaft collapse?” “Pretty sure it was the foreman. Just my opinion, but I am an expert.” KA-CHING!

As long as this doesn’t interfere with the $45 million settlement we won in Louisiana in 2003 against the sun for “bein’ all up in my face all the time,” we’re fine with it. It also lessens the fear of suit being filed over the firing of a black coach by .001%, so that’s nice, too.

Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.

Kiffin: No problem

Tad: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Kiffin: Absolutely. I’m the coach.

Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.

Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is…

Wake my dad up (LIKE A COACH)

Play action bootleg (LIKE A COACH)

On every down (LIKE A COACH)

Remember birthdays (LIKE A COACH)

Eat some paste (LIKE A COACH)

My own whiteboard (LIKE A COACH)

Piss off Meyer (LIKE A COACH)

Nepotism (LIKE A COACH)

Feed the dog (LIKE A COACH)

Get my hand bit (LIKE A COACH)

Apply Bactine (LIKE A COACH)

Call Pahokee (LIKE A COACH)

Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)

Cry deeply (LIKE A COACH)

Hand’s infected (LIKE A COACH)

Recruit players (LIKE A COACH)

Take our shirts off (LIKE A COACH)

Dance suggestively (LIKE A COACH)

Harrassment lawsuit (LIKE A COACH)

Ask Coach O (LIKE A COACH)

For some dough (LIKE A COACH)

Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)

Shit on Coach O’s desk (LIKE A COACH)

Find my dad (LIKE A COACH)

BREAK

(Oh god did he wander off again and fall in the river… shiiiiiiiiit…)

Watch some Magnum! (LIKE A COACH)

With my dad (LIKE A COACH)

Wake him up (LIKE A COACH)

Puke on Coach O’s desk (LIKE A COACH)

Jump out the window (LIKE A COACH)

First-floor office (LIKE A COACH)

Lack of foresight (LIKE A COACH)

Awkward meetings (LIKE A COACH)

With the boosters (LIKE A COACH)

I don’t hunt or fish (LIKE A COACH)

Perk up the CV (LIKE A BOSS)

Cash some Raiderbucks (LIKE A COACH)

Name my son Knox (LIKE A COACH)

Make him hate me (LIKE A COACH)

Turn into a jet (LIKE A COACH)

Bomb the Gators (LIKE A CORCH)

Last three years at best (LIKE A COACH)

Go back to USC (LIKE A COACH)

Tad: Uh huh. So that’s an average day for you then?

Kiffin: No doubt

Tad: You turn into a jet and bomb Gainesville?

Kiffin: Hell yeah.

Tad: And I think at one point there you said something about naming your son Knox?

Kiffin: Nope.

Tad: Actually I’m pretty sure you did.

Kiffin: Nah, that ain’t me.

Tad: Okay, well this has been eye opening for me

Kiffin: Oh, just wait until the season starts. I’m the coach.

Tad: Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four hundred times.

Kiffin: Dad said that would help. I’m the coach.

Tad: Yeah, yeah I got it.

Kiffin: I’m the coach.

Tad: No I heard you. That’s the funniest part about this whole bit, actually.

LIKE A COACH.

There has been no picture of Kiffykins and Fulmer together, as the two have “missed each other” and haven’t had time to sit down and stare blankly at each other yet. (Awkward rating: somewhere above “discussing pregnancy with your wife’s real babydaddy in a legal setting, somewhere below “meeting the man who murdered your parents.”)

Promise me you’ll always love me best.

Oh, fine, just fine. Why?

_____
This late-afternoon dose of total plausibility brought to you by LSUFreek. Honor him.

Trent Richardson won’t announce for another half-hour or so, but do not let that stop us from surveying the landscape of smoking fax machines in that oh-so-original of ways, a cleverly coded winners/losers list.

BEEN HAD MONEY: Michigan, who took Denard Robinson at “athlete,” which in the spread option usually means “quarterback,” and who picked up key pieces from points south. Rodriguez recruited AustralAmerica well, though they did lose out on Pearlie Graves, a name we would strangle a wilderbeest to have on our team.

ALSO BEEN HAD MONEY: UCLA, who may not have had USC’s class overall, but who scored crucial points by getting OL Xavier Su’a-Filo and a solid class in the heart of the Carroll Co-Prosperity Sphere.

BEEN HAD MONEY (AND BACON-FLAVORED POI): Notre Dame. Pulling Manti Te’o out of Hawaii is a feat of extraction the CIA at its best would envy, especially going head to head with Pete Carroll. Google does not lie:

Te’o will take a Mormon mission trip at one point, probably to someplace with warmer weather and better entertainment than South Bend. We’ve heard Moldova’s nice! (Or haven’t, but it qualifies.)

GOT BEEN DONE HAD MONEY AND SWAGGER: Alabama, according to Dre Kirkpatrick.

What has a pointing finger and doesn’t give a damn? This guy.

Tuberville seems to have just sauntered into the frame, fresh from skinning a catfish or finishing up a round of 18. We would not be shocked to see the carved wooden head of a rocking chair peek up from over his shoulder. Add the smooth in with the fact that he knows what he’s talking about, presents it in a fluid, folksy manner, and is still being paid by Auburn, and we’re smitten. In fact, go ahead and get him one, ESPNU, and let him whittle while the other guys are talking.

According to witnesses, Kiffin incorrectly used his dinner fork for both his salad and his entree, relinquishing it only when a server snapped up the fork shortly before the dessert course.

“I was just trying to help the guy out,” said the server, who did not wish to be named in this article.

“I don’t know if he knows where he is, but that’s not going to cut it here,” said Paul Finebaum, longtime SEC columnist and garden club tomato expert. “He put his elbows on the table, passed in an incorrect manner across the centerpiece of the table, failed to RSVP, and even used his fork to cut the butter. The fork he ate with. This won’t cut it here. Phil might eat half of the ham at the buffet, but he did it with the right fork, dangit. Pardon my language.”

The fork incident represents just the latest in a series of shocking breaches of SEC etiquette.

“When he was recruiting, he didn’t even call before he came,” said Coach Steve Spurrier. “Not a peep. Just knocked on my door to say hello. When he came in, he didn’t even have a gift with him. Normally you bring a nice casserole, a jello salad or something, anything. He called me ‘Steve’ before I even said he could.”

“And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”

All other coaches declined comment, telling this paper off the record that they found Kiffin’s table manners to be unladylike and unfitting for an SEC coach and Garden Club member. Only one other coach provided comment: Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, who described the question regarding Kiffin’s use of the dinner fork for all courses to be “bullshit.”

Kiffin replied to the ruffled feathers with nonchalance. “Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”

Steve Logan had a miserable year at Boston College post-Matt Ryan in 2008, but otherwise has a substantial track record as a coach and productive offensive coordinator at East Carolina. He was fired from East Carolina after one bad season, and has been replaced formally (after being overlooked by the BC uppers in favor of the codgery Frank Spaziani) by Gary Tranquill, whose track record as a coach mimics his name with lackluster stints at Michigan State and North Carolina.

Tranquill has retired not once, but twice already, and is 69 years old. Boston College: now sponsored by Touch of Grey!

It’s not one codger hiring another: it’s the summer of life, baby.

It’s taking a possible GA spot away from young talent, talent one could presumably develop and promote up into the staff to counter for attrition. It is clever, totally within the rules, and disingenuous, further evidence that Tennessee will counter any and all fears of inexperience at the head coaching spot by surrounding Lane Kiffin with nothing less than a battalion of experienced coaches. Other programs have done it, yes, but it bears mention especially with the mini-academy of coaches already flocking to Knoxville.

We expect them to move Johnny Majors next door to Kiffin “just to keep him company,” and install the reanimated brain of General Neyland in his car to give him advice through the voicebox of a Garmin. 5. Ball, oskie, cover, block, cut and slice, pursue and gang tackle… for this is the WINNING EDGE turn left in 100 meters your destination is on the right GAHHHHHH