No, he’s not going to eat the goat. But the ever-accurate titles and graphics deserve as much compliment as the fine puppeteering.

Via: The House Rock Built.

Tommy West fired at Memphis, but never fear Tiger fans, we have your replacement:

National title rings! A perfectly smooth bald head that can be used in a pinch as a whiteboard during meetings to save money on office supplies! 24 or so points of offense guaranteed per game, including the best offense between the twenty yard lines that money can buy! Success is spelled A-D-D-A-Z-I-O, Memphis. Call him soon. Hell, call him now oh please god won’t you. He’s just waiting by the phone for your offer, eating pieces of paper covered in diagrams of dive plays and planned sacks on third and goal.

We think they may have actually gotten Drake to do this song.

(HT: Card Chronicle via TSB. ) The execution and composition really are stunning: a 90% accurate Drake imitation complete with autotune, high production values, and the fluid dropping of the phrase “Bet the Kroger ads will miiiiisss you” in the verse. We mean this: this is extremely well done, so much so you have to actively listen to remember it is a parody urging the firing of a coach with a IKEA furniture label for a last name. (Unlike the entire Iowa team, who really do all have fine Swedish gibberish for last names.)

It’s only fair at this point to say that when Kragthorpe was hired, we actually thought this would work out for the best. Hey, young coach. Hey, youngish program with offense to burn. Hey, young football coach setting that burning talent on fire and pushing it down a hill before it goes off a bridge and into a barge made of papier mache soaked in gasoline. Hey, the screaming and horror.

If you want a coach who can slide right into that Kroger slot then Tuberville would be your man. He pitched Kroger with great aplomb while at Auburn, raising his nose to the sky and, in reaction to the smell of hot dogs, recited the deathless line “Smells like…victory.” Jurich should get on the stick, though: the early running in the coaching coup-stakes for this offseason looks like a race for the Golden Flake pitchman extraordinaire, who if he really used potato chips as bait would get more of a response from his players than Kragthorpe gets from his. Tuberville coached at A&M, and will certainly hear a call when coach/walking bologna sandwich Mike Sherman gets fired.

Then it’s Jimmy Sexton, two fully charged cellphones, and you bending over and taking it for three days of solid negotiating Barbary Coast-style. Bring a good attitude, lube, and a cushion to lay over the barrel, because as savage as it will be, it’s better than the current madness going on at either school.

Conditions may be perfect for a good old fashioned Kragthorpe’ing involving none other than the Supreme Kragthorpe-r himself. According to ANONYMOUS INTERNET REPORT he’s been asked to resign, meaning Louisville Sports Buzz is gonna earn some cred, or look like a snitchin’ ass liar when Kragthorpe gets his ten-year extension on Saturday.

You know what we’re thinking? Encore performance, Herr Schnellenberger! Encore, we say!

(The most beautiful thing in the world came to us via the Something Awful forums and Twitter user @hasorey)

…they would come out to this version of “Thus Spake Zarathustra.”

Meanwhile, the Monolith leading Alabama to the next step in evolution, Nick Saban, was given a contract extension through January 31st, 2018. If Saban is still the head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide at that point, he inherits the rights to all public land in the state of Alabama and all citizens dwelling therein, turning the state government and its lands nto his private fiefdom to rule as he sees fit. It won’t happen, but the lawyer just liked the sound of it, and once they get rolling withe the clauses and codicils, it’s hard to stop them. If that clause kicks in, all State Capital employees are to report to the conference room for the morning beatings and mat drills. Sorry. It’s in the contract.

The contract could pay Saban a total of $4.7 mil annually, or possibly more if/when another school goes bananapants and shells out more for a coach. From Chris Low’s report:

The contract guarantees Saban will be among the nation’s five highest-paid football coaches or the three highest in the Southeastern Conference, whichever is higher. His pay cannot fall below those averages.

Ball on, Coach Ahab. The contract has been in the works for a while, so it’s nice to see Alabama settle the man down for the long haul and make a commitment to a coach clearly harassed and pressured by Alabama fans’ refusal to accept only ten wins a year. He can finally start to get comfortable, especially now that they’re paying him a living wage at last.

This post brought to you by Hutz and Hutz, your firm for racial discrimination and sun-harassment suits.

One reason some schools are terrified of hiring black coaches: they’re terrified of alienating the all-important demographic of racist recruits. Another: the fear the black coach will make fun of them when they’re dancing at the holiday party. (They will, though.)

And still another: the fear of looking like racists if they fire the head coach, or worse still the resulting expensive litigation blossoming after the firing? That fear may be semi-rational, but it is a bit less rational after the dismissal of the verdict in the Jerry Baldwin case this week. Baldwin was the inept coach at UL-Lafayette, and led the Ragin’ Cajuns directly into the hole with a 6-27 record before his firing after three seasons in 2001.

Reading between the lines, the main reason for the overturn seems to be that the trial happened in Louisiana, and went about as well as most Louisiana jury trials go: disastrously for Teams Logic and Fairness. Pay attention and laugh along, Category 5:

The appeals court also found Johnson wrongly granted “expert witness” status to a man who testified about how being fired might make it difficult for Baldwin to obtain another coaching job.

The appeals judge ruled that the man offered only a personal view unsupported by any “indicia of reliability.”

In addition to our lifelong dream of being convicted for practicing law without a license, we now have a new one: being an expert witness on something in a trial without having any expertise in the subject whatsoever. Available immediately, willing to travel, and will claim intimate knowledge of any discipline whatsoever. “So Professor Swindle, what made this mineshaft collapse?” “Pretty sure it was the foreman. Just my opinion, but I am an expert.” KA-CHING!

As long as this doesn’t interfere with the $45 million settlement we won in Louisiana in 2003 against the sun for “bein’ all up in my face all the time,” we’re fine with it. It also lessens the fear of suit being filed over the firing of a black coach by .001%, so that’s nice, too.

Scene: a gray office in the Tennessee. LANE KIFFIN sits down with business consultant TAD SMITH.

Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.

Kiffin: No problem

Tad: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Kiffin: Absolutely. I’m the coach.

Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.

Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is… (more…)

Peyton Manning finally met Lane Kiffin. As Clay points out in his dialogue between the two, the meeting appeared to take place in one of Saddam’s palaces, or perhaps in David Bowman’s final room at the end of the universe from 2001.

There has been no picture of Kiffykins and Fulmer together, as the two have “missed each other” and haven’t had time to sit down and stare blankly at each other yet. (Awkward rating: somewhere above “discussing pregnancy with your wife’s real babydaddy in a legal setting, somewhere below “meeting the man who murdered your parents.”)

We all remember with delight how Jim Leavitt reacted to one of his underlings so much as expressing interest in an open position not affiliated with South Florida. So how do you suppose he’s coping with losing that guy plus two more assistants inside a month?

Promise me you’ll always love me best.

Oh, fine, just fine. Why?

_____
This late-afternoon dose of total plausibility brought to you by LSUFreek. Honor him.

We would like to announce that in addition to signing Drinky Crow, we also have received a fax from promising billiards athlete Been Had Money.

Trent Richardson won’t announce for another half-hour or so, but do not let that stop us from surveying the landscape of smoking fax machines in that oh-so-original of ways, a cleverly coded winners/losers list.

BEEN HAD MONEY: Michigan, who took Denard Robinson at “athlete,” which in the spread option usually means “quarterback,” and who picked up key pieces from points south. Rodriguez recruited AustralAmerica well, though they did lose out on Pearlie Graves, a name we would strangle a wilderbeest to have on our team.

ALSO BEEN HAD MONEY: UCLA, who may not have had USC’s class overall, but who scored crucial points by getting OL Xavier Su’a-Filo and a solid class in the heart of the Carroll Co-Prosperity Sphere.

BEEN HAD MONEY (AND BACON-FLAVORED POI): Notre Dame. (more…)