We…we still don’t know what the hell that shit was, Les.

Drink:

This hat was made from the beer consumed between 10:14 a.m. and 10:46 a.m. From an ode to Busch Light.

IF: 24 pack of Busch light: THEN: Ohio State. We’ve never seen people drink more shitty beer with greater voracity than Ohio State fans. Never. Not at LSU, not at Alabama, not at Georgia, not at Florida (where beer, liquor, and “whatever your friends from Miami had in a dropper” get thrown into a single vomitous swirl.) Nowhere is there a greater thirst for building a solid fellatio cabana from lowgrade hops and barley than in Columbus. If your happiness comes in a flimsy box with a convenient pulltab corner for machine-gun disbursal, you pull for the Buckeyes here.

IF: Bell’s Beer: THEN: Michigan.The craft beer thing was coming here and you knew it, but for posterity’s sake let’s get it right and say that like good beer snobs, Michiganders go local and pimp local brands like Bell’s Brewery.

Music

IF: Morrissey/Smiths: THEN: Michigan. That joke isn’t funny anymore, especially if it involves losing a sixth straight game to Ohio State.

IF: Nickelback: THEN: Ohio State. It’s less a specific prescription than an overall vibe. Arena rock never died, it just moved to Ohio, where it still sells like flyswatters in a refugee camp. Deny it if you like, but Nickelback will get the blood pumping, especially their live stuff. We’re especially fond of this one.

Philosophical School:

IF: Chuck Palahniuk:

“It’s easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.”

THEN: Michigan.

IF: Red Foreman:

Well, it’s a tough world, Eric, and people don’t always get what they want. Especially you.

THEN: Ohio State.

The 1950s:

IF:“Thesis: The 1950s were a simmering cauldron of social change, an underexamined pressure cooker of cultural tension, political realignment, and economic expansion whose momentum was not merely a factor in the great upheaval of the 1960s, but a continuation of it. In this paper we will examine these changes as reflected in the music of Bob Seger, whose own compositions reflect this dichotomous sense/memory of the two decades: one held sacrosanct in the common memory for its alleged innocence (see “Night Moves” or “Down on Main Street,”), and another lauded for its freewheeling excesses and exotic leanings (see “Kathmandu.”) Through the eyes of one of America’s most neglected cultural icons, we will illustrate how music can form a tight emotional bond between a historical era and even the most inaccurate representations of its realities (and, indeed, its falsehoods.)

THEN: Michigan.

IF: “‘ ‘the fuck, dude?”

THEN: Ohio State.

The reason you have a goatee.

IF: “That’s an odd question…because it does give off a certain “don’t touch me” vibe, and because the beard isn’t growing in so well, and the goatee–prior to its appropriation by the middle classes as a sign of rebellion in the late 1980s and its subsequent slide into its current status as the mustache of the 2000s (not to be confused with the ironic mustache of the 2000s–what was I saying? Oh, my girlfriend likes it, and it gives me something to stroke when I’m thinking, that’s all. That’s the simple answer.”

THEN: Michigan.

IF: “Because it owns, pussy.”

THEN: Ohio State.

It’s like that now. Because it is Friday, and it is Atlanta, and you need to get the hump out of your back now:

They’re not often quotable, but when they are d-linemen are the most quotatious. Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma defensive line behemoth, has the ideal solution for Texas Tech’s habit of throwing tortillas on the field during games.

“They throw tortillas?” McCoy said. “They better not throw me one. I’ll be hungry. I’ll eat it.”

“They need to throw chicken,” he said. “Hey, if they threw fried chicken — shoot, I’ll provoke ‘em on purpose. Aaahhh! Chomp!”

Figuring out the exact spelling of this and whether it complied with the AP Stylebook had to consume at least three minutes of human existence they will never, ever get back. We would judge, but we have to go blow 45 minutes playing Miami Shark now. That is a glorious waste of time, much like watching OK State’s third-string qb Brandon Weeden come off the bench and shred Colorado in the second half of a 31-28 victory in Stillwater. Colorado lead 21-10, but they are Colorado under Dan Hawkins, and thus refunded the lead promptly and efficiently without Mike Gundy having to get all ornery and demanding to see a manager.

Emmanuel Moody out for inconsequential blowout. Moody is out for the FIU game, which would matter if it weren’t Florida International, the cheese-eating multilateralists who claim to represent Florida to the world. When Florida invades Cuba without consulting the United States first in 2013, let’s see where your “diplomacy” is then, eh? < ----seriously Brandon Spikes and Channing Crowder are going down there with a boat full of beer, flare guns, and toilet paper. Should take four days before they are crowned co-consuls of the island.

Present dick turns out to be past dick. Mark Mangino almost got fired 20 years ago from his job coaching high school ball in Pennsylvania for being a profane, abrasive dick, just as he’s being pushed out at Kansas for being a profane, abrasive dick. Rock Chalk Talk thinks it’s merely a matter of time for Mangino’s departure, while Scipio Tex reminds you that “winning is always a sweet cologne on the nastiest funk. Or, in short: he’s fired unless they beat Texas this weekend, and then we’ll think about taking you back, Ike. Um, Mark.

The week, summarized in ALL CAPS: Sports Meme Rankings are up at SBNation. Read them. Love them.

Condolences. Stefanie Spielman, RIP. Donate in her memory here.

Exclusive footage of the scene has been obtained by EDSBS.com. Uga is seen here in the lower portion of the picture on the side of the table closest to the viewer, and appears to have an ace clamped in his toes under the table.

Details are still forthcoming, but eyewitnesses say an argument broke out over accusations of cheating during a regular lunchtime poker game between Uga and several local players he knew and played with frequently. Georgia fans were stunned at the announcement this afternoon. Speaking on conditions of anonymity, one source close to the program offered the following verdict:

“How we can lose a damn good dawg like this and still have Willie Martinez is…it’s just…it’s just not right.”

Burial details have not been finalized, but an investigation is underway. If you recognize the St. Bernard in the far right corner, please contact the Clarke County Sherriff’s Department. There are no suspects yet, but he looks like he’s staring daggers through Uga, doesn’t he?

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Colorado has lost ten games in a row on the road, a streak surpassed only by Washington Generic and Washington State With Vibrating Rings For Your Pleasure and Most Definitely Not Theirs. They rank last or next to last in passing efficiency, punt returns, fumbles lost, rushing offense, scoring defense, scoring offense, total offense, turnovers lost, and turnover margin. This team allowed Toledo to score over fifty points on them. This team attempted to stop for a busy crosswalk, hit the gas, and is now wondering why there is a screaming old woman embedded in their windshield. This team is horrible beyond any concept words can convey, and thus we resort to song. Terrible, excruciating Chinese song:

Dan Hawkins’ recruiting is Chinese karaoke howl bad, and it is coming back for an encore thanks to the university being too broke to buy him out, meaning they’ll be sending out the Weber State Men’s Water Polo Team for another year of savage beatings at the hands of the Big 12, but without prize recruit Darrell Scott. He overcame a two year delusion that he was a white water polo player, and transferred him to a school that would allow him to play football.

Oklahoma State, in contrast, is not Colorado.

Advantage: Oklahoma State.

Oklahoma State, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot: Oklahoma’s Pistol Pete falls into the category of mascot only describable as “accidental grotesquerie.” Is he going to awkwardly ask a young girl if she’s had the menses yet? Did he hear tell of a mysterious half-cougar, half warlock creature that lived in the old abandoned mineshaft out yonder guarding a pile ‘o Confederate gold, and is he going to tell you about it while staring at you just a bit too intensely? Is he second away from gunning your family down with a cold glint in his eye for no reason whatsoever? Didn’t you last see his face bobbing down the street in a Spanish religious festival’s procession that ended with dozens of spectators being burned alive by a collapsing bonfire?

You datin’ yet, sweetie? You’re twelve. That’s about right.

Ralphie is an ornery Buffalo she-bitch who tramples her own trainers and once threatened to charge Tom Osborne and the entire Nebraska team in the tunnel in a prior incarnation. Additionally, her meat when cooked would be low in fat, high in protein, and wouldn’t taste like spoiled muscadine wine and cigarettes like Pete’s would.

Advantage: Colorado.

Colorado, You’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura. The passionate OSU fanbase will be on top of the Buffaloes tonight in Stillwater, a place constructed for maximum noise and proximity to the crowd, an important factor if you’re going to be making enthusiastic fellatio gestures at the opposing team indicating their deep degree of suck.

Also, we remind you that Colorado is terrible and slow.

Advantage: Oklahoma State.

Oklahoma State, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names.

Oklahoma State: Ugo Chinasa, Daytawion Lowe, Patrick Hoog

Colorado: Zach Grossnickle, Maxwell Tuioti-Mariner, Douglas Rippy

Advantage: Colorado.

Colorado, You’ve been factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Does it matter? Colorado has every reason to be able to steal this game in the intangibles category, because Oklahoma State has to be overlooking them on an oddly scheduled Thursday night game in mid-November against a sludgy, thin, banged up Colorado team with a rolling atrocity of an offense and absolutely zero chance of competing head-to-head with the Cowboys at any position. So every gutty, hunch-driven bone in your body is telling you to pick an upset. This is the gambling equivalent of “listening to your body” when you’re hungry, because shockingly your body needs cupcakes, beer, and fried chicken, and not things that won’t clog its circulatory system and leave you waiting for someone to bust out a wall and snake a tube down your throat for six weeks of an emergency liquid diet. If you’re thinking this you are bored and belong nowhere near a bettin’ window. (We’re typing this as much for us as for you.)

Oklahoma State, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, Oklahoma State, You’ve Been Factor’d! This game will be horrible, but between Gundy and Hawkins the Rant Potential Factor is through the roof, so if anything tune into the postgame pressers out of morbid curiosity.*

*Please note that an earlier tally erroneously granted mascot to OSU. This was an error, because counting to five is really, really hard.

There is no need for a playoff OBEY.

We’ve already had some fun with them, and suggest you do the same without following them, because, you know…it would de-emphasize the already important daily updates and cheat the tradition of the bowl system or something like that.

If you’re looking for fun this weekend, this would be as good a time as any to go to Ole Miss, since the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan plans on showing up to the game to protest the removal of “From Dixie With Love” from the Rebels’ pregame.

“We aren’t coming there to cause problems or cause trouble,” Tate said. “Trouble has already been caused by a handful at Ole Miss, including the black student body president, who wants to shape Ole Miss into yet another liberal sodomite college.”

Now, take issue with the liberal portion of the description, but a college without sodomy is no college at all. Our own college experience was greatly enriched by hanging out with liberal black sodomites, since they taught us the joys of so many of the good things in life: expensive alcohol, fine clothing, half-price ecstasy cut with baking soda and methamphetamines, late night infomercial-watching, dancing with your hands over your head, and learning how to be white around black people without being the white-guy-trying-to-be-black. They’re also giving and tender lovers WHAAAA—

Anyway, if the Klan is going to show, they can’t half-step. We like our coffee hot, our homosexuals FLAMING, and our racists to be cartoonishly so. Sparkly whites, boys, and that includes the hem, which should be properly tailored so as not to drag on the ground. Foghorn Leghorn accents, please, and be quick with the festive Klan dancing.

RISK LEVEL 1: Watching the “awesometits.wmv” video your friend sent you on your work computer
Stanford -7.5 vs. California, 7:30 p.m.

What do you know: Turns out going full Costanza actually worked pretty well last week. OK, it didn’t work perfectly, but 3-2 still beats the 0-5s I was routinely putting up when I was going with my gut. (Stupid gut — it’s the one who told me AIG was “too big to fail” and that the guy who offered to sell me weed in a Vegas airport bathroom totally wasn’t a cop.) This week my gut’s been hinting that Stanford can’t possibly have a whole lot left in the tank after steamrolling Oregon and USC to the tune of 106 total points in back-to-back weeks, but if a major letdown was such a big risk for these guys, they probably would’ve lost to USC to begin with; as long as they’ve got Toby Gerhart (might some Heisman love be in line for this gentleman? Hello? Is this thing on?), they’ve got juice to spare. Maybe the one we should be asking those questions about is Cal — sure, they managed to come from behind to beat Arizona last week, but back-to-back big-game wins haven’t exactly been the forte of recent editions of the TedfordBot. (Don’t worry, though — when TedfordBot Vista comes out next year, all those problems will be solved. Really. We promise.)

RISK LEVEL 2: Peeing in front of a bunch of Georgia fans

Tennessee -16 vs. Vanderbilt, 7 p.m.

Following a world-class reaming from DEX-TAH MAH-CLUS-TAH and the Rebels, Tennessee returns home this weekend to lick their wounds, check in with their probation officers, and swat away a team who’s beaten them only once in their last 26 tries. Initial instinct was to say Tennessee’s defense was too banged-up to make a 16-point win a good bet, but then I remembered that only applies if the opponent has an offense, and Vandy doesn’t (100th or worse in every single major offensive category). The one thing Vandy has been able to do consistently this season is defend the pass, which means we could see the return of Bad Jonathan Crompton this week, but that’s only if Kiffin is dumb enough to put the game in his hands in the first place. Otherwise, he’ll simply wind up Montario Hardesty and Bryce Brown and send them at the SEC’s worst run defense (just a smidge under 200 yards allowed per game), in which case a 16-point drubbing becomes that much more likely. Not much you can do about it, Vandy fans — just lie back and think of Nashville, and stay away from the Pilot stations while you’re at it.

RISK LEVEL 3: Asking for directions from a provocatively dressed lady on Ponce de Leon Avenue after midnight
Clemson -20.5 vs. Virginia, 3:30 p.m.

Those tapping their feet and waiting for Dabo Swinney to continue Tommy Bowden’s tradition of late-season collapses have pretty much run out of time — the Tigers are riding a five-game winning streak and have already clinched the Atlantic Division’s berth in the ACC title game. So with the hard part done and Virginia’s WTF upset mojo apparently spent (they’ve lost four in a row, by an average of 19 points), there’s no reason to think Clemson won’t cap off their sterling ACC run with a beatdown in Death Valley. Virginia’s 86th-ranked run defense doesn’t have much hope of stopping C.J. Spiller, not when he’s got Heisman voters to impress, and even if they do, Clemson won’t need all that many points to cover the spread against a team that’s only scored four offensive touchdowns in its last five games (and got one of those on a 2-yard drive at the very end of the game against Maryland). Really, the riskier bet is how long after this game UVA finally puts Al Groh out of his misery; I’m putting the over/under at three days.

RISK LEVEL 4: Going for it on fourth-and-2 from your own 28 with a six-point lead over the Indianapolis Colts
LSU straight up at Ole Miss, 3:30 p.m.

I’ve gone back and forth on this one, but I’m deviating from the formula on this one and sticking with my initial gut feeling (hence the elevated risk level; proceed at your own peril) — Tigers in a straight upset in Oxford, for the simple reason that we’ve yet to see Houston Nutt win consecutive meaningful games this season. Actually, there are other reasons; for one, Dexter McCluster isn’t going to have as easy a time ripping the LSU linebackers as he did Tennessee’s ailing corps, and the Tigers get Jordan Jefferson back from the ankle injury that kept him out of the Louisiana Tech game. Jefferson has been a satisfactory as opposed to great passer this year, but he’s managed to keep the ball out of opposing DBs’ hands (with a 12:4 TD:INT ratio so far); the Rebel defense has been superb at containing QBs yardage-wise, but have only picked off seven passes all year and are languishing in the bottom half of DI-A in terms of efficiency. If Dexter McCluster goes wild again or if Jefferson’s ankle gets re-injured and Jarrett Lee gets brought in, all bets are off, but otherwise I’ll stick with my initial read, thanks.

RISK LEVEL 5: Cutting in front of Mark Mangino in line at KFC

Utah State +23 vs. Boise State, 9:30 p.m. Friday

Three more games for the Broncos, three more opportunities to prove they belong in a BCS bowl, three more near-certain victories. But that doesn’t mean they can’t get chased a little in the process, and that’s been a surprisingly frequent occurrence for them when they’ve played on the road (Fresno State trailed them by only seven into the fourth quarter; turned in a so-so offensive performance at Tulsa and only won by a TD; had to withstand a furious comeback attempt from Louisiana Tech). Utah State is no more of an upset risk than their 3-7 record would suggest, but they do know how to score some points, and that could be enough to keep this game out of massive-blowout territory, particularly if BSU is looking ahead to next Friday’s de facto WAC title game against Nevada. I’ll return to the Costanza strategy here and go against my initial instinct to take Boise and the juice.

Take a bow, Woody. From his comfortable, scarlet and gray bungalow in hell (”Heaven: too effeminate for my liking. Schembechler loves the place. Pansy.”) Woody Hayes gets the necessary salute this morning, both for dotting the I in a smashing pair of grey slacks, but also for helping to create Urban Meyer, blessed be his name and his chins. Mille gratz, Coach Hornrims.

Everyone does that, sure. Mark Mangino can be rough, sure. This without context certainly qualified as “rough” talk to a player, with a possible toe across the line of baseline dignity infringement (even if Mangino were black, from a terrible upbringing, and saying this from a position of commonality.)

“Don’t yes sir me, or I will send you back to St. Louis so you can get shot with your homies,” Brown remembers Mangino saying.

What takes this quote from former Jayhawk Raymond Brown into the Asshole-o-sphere is that when Mangino said it, Brown’s brother was recuperating from being shot in St. Louis. Mangino also threatened coaches with their jobs in front of players and generally behaved like a complete asshole to everyone and anyone around him. Defend it by saying “it wins games,” and then look at 95% of all other coaches in the universe who do not act like complete assholes.

Partial assholes, cyborg performance evaluators without souls, hopeless charisma junkies (COUGH COUGH Houston Nutt,) fast-mumbling braheims, sparkle-eyed lunatics, outright con men, and earnest paternal types: they’re alll part of the coaching ranks, yes. But how many of them are sold for spare parts the instant they hit a rough patch?

He chose…poorly.Zach Collaros failed to attend a mandatory diversion program required by the court that heard his fake ID citation in May, and should appear in court today to explain why/how that little oversight occurred. Collaros received the citation while presenting a fake Tennessee ID at a bar called “The Holy Grail” in Cincinnati. Advice for facing the judge today and surviving with your head intact and without receiving a maximum (though unlikely) 180 day jail sentence? The penitent man kneels.

Football r dum. If you know a heel who insists on the stupidity of football, just show them this and encourage them to fuck themselves with a route tree. (HT: Smart Football, of course.)

Mmmm, a delicious fisk. Besides foiling potential hotlinkers with pictures of a man exposing a good stretch of his lower intestine, the internet’s oldest trick is the fisk, the line-by-line dismantling of a shoddy piece of rhetoric. It’s old, it can be done very, very poorly, but fortunately BHGP is very good at it, especially when hitting up Maisel, who normally borders on the unfiskable.

Bonus Dog Strangulation Anecdote. In response to yesterday’s post on how much harder Harvard/Yale used to be (you know, before tetanus shots, antibiotics, and padding ruined our fine sport,) Alasdair (a Harvardian himself) wrote in to let us know just how little of the hardness we really knew about. 1905 may have involved deaths, but 1908 got straight to pagan animal sacrifice. Jackie Sherrill, you ain’t shit:

I saw your post on Harvard football being gangsta, and I must say that any discussion of turn of the century Ivy League football would be woefully incomplete without mention of Harvard coach Percy Haughton’s motivation techniques before the 1908 game against the Yale Bulldogs. To wit:

Considering Yale’s other nickname is the Elis, I believe current Harvard coach Tim Murphy would probably have to choke a certain New York Giants quarterback before this week’s game to even compete with his predecessor.

Don’t answer the phone, Eli. Those Ivies are trixy, and you don’t want your bleached white skull to become a prop in a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony before it has to. (And it will, Eli. Oh, it will.)

(ps. Strangling a bulldog in front of a horrified crowd isn’t a big deal, as Florida does it in Jacksonville all the time.)

Not seen: fullback with shotgun, dog devouring middle linebacker.

The article’s mostly quotes, but it will make you thirst for a day when one could spin a fine carriage to a game with a syphilitic lassie, take a sip of sight-destroying Virginia rotgut, and soil one of the three pairs of pants you owned while watching the youth of America engage in the kind of bloodsport that made this nation strong.

Few players wore helmets, and a close observer declared that as Harvard and Yale pummeled each other, “It was the most magnificent sight … every lineman’s face was dripping with blood.”

Since this does concern a team from the Boston area, we can only assume this was the reddest, most poetic blood ever and that no other blood has been bled so painfully or nobly from an athlete in any sport ever. Additional quoted goodness comes from former Confederate general John Mosby, the “Grey Ghost” who summed up the sport thusly:

The old warrior called football a “barbarous amusement” that “develops the brute dormant in man’s nature and puts the player on a level with … a polar bear.”

BUT POLAR BEARS ARE SO CUTE. Just like Brandon Spikes, who like a polar bear attempts to rip the face off first, then go for the innards. Should you think Mosby was a killjoy still chapped at losing the war of Northern Aggression, he did understand one key element of the game that has endured:

“It is notorious that football teams are largely composed of professional mercenaries who are hired to advertise colleges. Gate money is the valuable consideration.”

And that is how you said “C.R.E.A.M.” in 1905 terms.

*Similar to the Maryland Smokestack I, the Paddy McDuffin offense involved using a spinning fullback located just ahead of the quarterback. The fullback was equipped with a shotgun holding five shells, a blackjack, and a handful of lye mixed with sand, a concoction referred to as “Tiresias Powder” by the Crimson players on the 1904 squad. By rule, only rock salt was permitted as ammo, and headshots were frowned upon as “unsporting” and “Mexico-Spaniardlike in their ruthlessness.

The Paddy McDuffin was outlawed in 1905 along with the Flying Wedges, though its chop-blocking techniques are still employed my many college teams including Auburn, Navy, and Georgia Tech.

UPDATE TO UPDATE: Thanks to the gents at Duck Sports, it’s back up.

Yes, this happened:

Points awarded:

–Rhymed “Masoli” with “holy-moly,” “ravioli,” “Spicoli,” and “E. Coli.”
–Zoinked out beginning that wouldn’t be out of place in a Gnarls Barkley
–Ref’d the Yin Yang Twins, which is always acceptable HEEEENNNNNNNNGHHHHH
–Rapper one dances with a rubbery-legged gusto reminiscent of a young Ray Bolger.

Points deducted:

–Yanked drum beat straight from J-Kwon’s “Tipsy”

–”Wait ’till you see my O” is creepy, especially coming from a dude with a backwards baseball cap, since we naturally assume “guy with sports jersey on” and “guy talking in terms of strong sexual innuendo” equals “guy who is a rapist, and not the tender variety”

Dollar signs. He’s going to Venus. He’s leaving today (or at the end of the season.)

Now that Mark Mangino can now be mocked not for his weight but instead for his serious anger management problem, the digging into the “pattern of behavior” has begun and yielded the richest of all foods, the Time Mark Mangino Tore A New Asshole For A Student Parking Enforcement Officer At A Loading Dock.

I told him this wasn’t relevant to this ticket and he said “This job gives you power, doesn’t it? You feel real fucking powerful walking around like a big shot…He got back in his car eventually, “You just don’t like talking to me because I’m ethnic, just because I talk with my hands.” He then went on to tell me how important he was to this university and how he doesn’t have time to spend dealing with this crap.

The PDF is gripping reading, and more legibly and sensibly written than the column Jason Whitlock filed on the subject. (Mangino’ fatness is crushing his soul, which is heating up beneath the pressure and spilling out in volcanic bursts of rage. Geologically interesting. Logically specious.) The ESPN roundup mentions an incident sparking the player meeting where Mangino “is alleged to have grabbed, yelled at and put his finger in the chest of a player who had been laughing at a walkthrough or practice prior to the Colorado game on Oct. 17.” To be fair, that finger is the size of a ham. Poking it with force could snap a sternum if he wasn’t careful.

Your new pony is Mike Leach. Mike Leach’s mad flirtation of the year could be Louisville, though Dennis Dodd is saying it, and Dennis Dodd is wrong about everything forever. This likely means, on a white board in the offices of the Louisville Athletic Department, there sits a white board with “MIKE LEACH” listed under a big “NO,” but even erroneous rumors are fun to throw around, especially when you think about Leach’s offense cracking a hole in the roof of the Carrier Dome one hypothetical day.

HAHAHHAHAHHHAHHAHAAH. (inhales) BWAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA:

“Tell them to call me,” said Switzer, 72 years old and 12 years out of football. “Tell them I can beat Navy.”

Dunkin’ Donuts would sponsor part of the buyout, ND. We’re not saying think about it, but you know: think about it. Into the trees, into the trees, Irish.

This man.. ..will be shoveling free bullshit for the next two to five years. If you need bullshit, he’s your man, and he will shovel like a champ until your bullshit needs are more than met.

Strong. Rack ‘em. You may want to avoid the Word From Our Sponsors thread, because commenter Play Me A Song Mr. Neuheisel won the whole damn thing by himself with this comment.

Love the dynamic between the domestic beer drinker’s perceived slight versus the craft brew crowd’s need to mention their current drink of choice. As if anyone gives a fuck. Myself, well I’m a malt liquor man. Nothing quite says “I’m going to try to grab your wife’s sweet ass and steal your car while you watch the game” like the 40 OZ of Nightrain I bring to a tailgate. Hell yeah, motherfucker!

Hell yeah, sir. We raise a glass of Thunderbird to you in honor of your fine commenting skills.

Luchini fever has clearly broken out among the Vols, who have both engaged in heistin’ merchandise and gunnin’ (of the pellet variety) this week.

Next up in the revival: the heistin’ merchandise portion.

Freshman safety Nyshier Oliver was arrested on November 7 and charged with shoplifting at a department store in West Town Mall.

The police report says Oliver was spotted putting a brown shirt worth approximately $110 in a Dillard’s bag. He was arrested around 1:45 that Saturday.

…the Saturday of homecoming about six hours before the Memphis game, to be precise. We welcome the Vols back to the land of the competitive SEC East teams, and now up their possibility of winning an SEC East title next year thanks to the increased verve and hunger of the youngsters clearly energized by the new regime in Knoxville. DA COACHO HE BE SIPPIN’ ARMAREDDA! DA LANEKIFFUH HE BE SIPPIN ARMAREDDA!

Mark Mangino is the subject of an internal review by the athletic director at Kansas. This does not mean a literal survey, as in a miniature submarine deployed into his bloodstream to properly assess his health, anatomy, and the actual size of Mangino himself. There is no need for a miniature submarine to do this. An ultralight would do for the purposes of this study, albeit one with an expanded gas tank to cover the expansive territory under study. (If it works for African wildlife research, it will work for Mangino studies.)

From KUSports.com:

Kansas University athletic director Lew Perkins met Monday night with the school’s football players to discuss concerns about football coach Mark Mangino brought to his attention by one of the current players and others with ties to the football program, the Journal-World has learned.

Mangino is legendarily dickish with his behavior, and not just with his players. (With the exception of his more tender, confessional moments.) He probably has had to be this way to get anything done at Kansas, but the logic goes, as Pete says: when you’re winning, dickhead is fine, and when you’re not and bleeding out in the midst of a four game losing streak, it’s not.

The idea of him being in serious trouble due to player unhappiness seems absurd, especially since it takes a real peoplesuit like John Mackovic to make a player insurrection a real possibility. Absurdity is also the key in which life is written like a fine Spike Jones number, so yeah, it’s entirely possible.

A few observations on tailgating in Athens:

–Athens happens to be a bit more eclectic and hipster-friendly than most college football tailgates period. Pop open a cooler and you will see foofy craft beers. Open an ear and you will hear something other than lite-country and pop-hop, like the fantastic Commodores/Ministry/Run DMC combo we heard across from us in Tent City. Unlike many SEC burgs, football seems to pull in the townie crew in Athens. They refuse to wear the red pants sure, but they still show out in their own way.

–Everything across the board in the Classic City seems to be at a B-plus or B across the board. The food, while not up to the Roman Orgy standards of Baton Rouge, is excellent across the board. The gear, while not on the mobile dining room standards of the Grove or Alabama, is nevertheless acceptably extravagant. (Quoth Paul Westerdawg: “If you can put it on wheels, we’ll do it.) While they don’t splash out on alcohol quite like Florida fans do (and note that this is the only thing Florida fans really go balls-out on, the booze, booze, booze,) the brands are mid to top range and poured with a shamelessly liberal touch, especially the brown stuff.

Like a well-managed NFL salary cap team, Athens’ tailgating necessities are all economically chosen to maximize potential enjoyment, making the scene the king of no single category but the master of the total array. Across the board Dawg fans are the most well-rounded tailgaters we’ve seen, quick with a bottle opener, adept with rapid satellite television array setup, and just menacing enough when you reveal your status as an opposing fan to be amusing.

–Scenery. We’re not just talking about the lascivious kind, either. It’s a beautiful campus with splendid weather, pleasant architecture, and proximity to bars. Trees surround the stadium. Attractive people of both genders are everywhere, so it’s not just the one-sided gawkfest every SEC lady has been through when visiting a place like Alabama. It’s a hair thing, mostly. Ladies can stand a lot of things, but bad hair will throw a woman on the hunt off the scent of even the most majestic mantelope. Like we say in the video: at least Athens offers a lot of different kinds of bad haircuts for one to choose from. As for the women, they are stunning. That is all we can say without sounding like a creepy old bastard any more than we already do.

PS. Check out the Alphabetical comments for the best Cincy/Chick-Fil-A logo illo EVAR.