Who says we never do anything for the ladies? Cheesecake’s on the way, but in the meantime, enjoy the only respectable beefcake a man can dole out to women: Charles Bronson in full lover mode in a Japanese ad for a cologne called, appropriately enough…Mandom.

A few observations:

One: Charles is doing what all cosmopolites do in their free time: leaning on a piano spouting bullshit lines without the need for obvious companionship. Because like all men, all he needs to be happy is a meandering piano tune, some cologne, and the sweet oblivion of the night.

Two: for a second, Chuck appears to be deciding whether to say goodnight to the blissed-out doorman or to shoot him with the revolver you know he has in his shoulder holster. In fact, we’re guessing the reason he tears ass out of the club in his huge Caddy is that he’s just had the same dilemma when bidding adieu to the piano player. Chuck totally shot him for being a punk and playing some mincing little Cole Porter number.

Three: Chuck does what we all do when we get home: pick out a pipe from the rack, take only our shirt off, and prance around while splashing a good three gallons of cologne on ourselves. It’s a veritable cologneakakke. The cologne also burns, but he’s Chuck Bronson. It merely tickles his calloused hide.

Four: Jesus, he’s ripped. Bronson, according to his bio, mined coal at the age of 11. Well, if the soul-crushing misery of coal-country penury can’t give you much, it can make you the buffest 50 year old ever to walk the planet. The gunshot noises and whinnying horse noises you hear? Those aren’t added in by a Foley artist. That’s actually what sounded each time Charles Bronson put on cologne. When we do the same, you can hear the noise of fey men slapping each other with white gloves and the sound of a guinea pig whooping in the background.

We don’t want to let USF get overshadowed this evening by giving you a paltry Cheesecake serving centered on West Virginia… To that end, we offer you Alesha Marie Oreskovich. Playboy pinup and former USF Bull. Be careful googling her. We did, however, find a few SFW shots.

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The Order of Business

1. Week Four at the Bunker. We’ll be watching this at the EDSBS Bunker in North Carolina, where a Gameplan package, ample wireless, and vodka tonics await. We may never emerge from this undisclosed location; if we don’t, assume it’s for your protection…and the nation’s, citizen.

2. Picking a Picker. We’ve gotten over 40 inquiries for a gambling columnist. We’ll think of some brilliant way to pick one this weekend.

3. Liveblogging as an Endurance Sport. We’ll likely have a laptop at arm’s reach at all times, meaning that we’ll open up a liveblog to note all of the extremely important things we notice during the day. (”HAI dOODz! Saban: hAilitez; his hair haz dem.”) Joining us will be the Glitter Twins of the Farm Belt, Jebus H. Christ and Oops Pow Surprise! of Black Heart, Gold Pants. Mysteriously hot farmgirls for everyone!

4. Cheesecake. Oh, we didn’t forget. Click the jump for pics of Adriana Cataño, Univision gal gone global. She’s the spokesperson for Rooms To Go in Latin America, which should stand as testimony that bunda and a militant body hair removal regimen can get one very, very far in life–nay, to the peak!

Because once you’ve done Rooms To Go, it’s really just shuffleboard/Ensure/Valhalla from there, really. (SFW, but not really, right? Because a woman wearing nothing but sand probably isn’t work-relevant, unless you’re a marketer for industrial sand or an ad guy trying out concepts for a new exfoliant, right?)

See you this weekend.

–O.

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A warning: this is the classy evening dress edition/intimate moments edition of Friday Cheesecake, so no complaints about the lack of ass. That’s what the rest of the internet is for, TRAMADOL VIAGRA BIGGER PORN ONLINE GAMBLING man. Google options; safe search. You do the rest, since if there’s one place short on latina ass cheeks, it’s the internet.

What you get here is a the most beautiful drug mule on the planet: Catalina Sandino Moreno of Maria, Full of Grace. The first pics are of her in classy evening gown. The sets after the jump are her looking extremely naughty in a SFW way.

Enjoy.

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When stuck for cheesecake, the Reef girls never fail.

We present Karina Munoz, Ms. Reef 2005

More Reef-er madness after the jump. And don’t forget EDSBS Live, now on Sundays. Okay, now click through to the ass, which again is SFW, but not precisely advisable for work. And with all seriousness, if you don’t want to look at lots and lots o’ buttocks, then don’t look.

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I’ve known señor Swindle since around 1992. I like the guy. Really, I do. But sometimes he needs a little tweaking now and again. On that score, we bring you Orson’s least favorite cheesecake option of all time to celebrate the end of the offseason when we desperately need the weekly distractions. Without further ado, EDSBS’s Friday Cheesecake is the distinctly non-latin, silicon-filled, college football lovin’, Bobby Bowden worshiping Jen Sterger.

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If you’re looking for well-rounded, complete cheesecake…go elsewhere, because we’ve called a specialist. The problem? Bunda. The solution? Janine Salles.

(All photos from the invincible bunda reserve Sereias, which was revealed to us by reader Tony. Thank you times billionfinity, sir.)

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From Venezuela, we cull the finest of cheesecake not yet nationalized by Hugo Chavez as part of the state. We had to hurry, though–Gaby Espino is a definite natural resource of the country, and will surely be nationalized soon as a “beer-toting, bunda-tastic national treasure the people must share and share equally.”

For now, though, we share her with the Republic of EDSBS alone. Enjoy.

That’s just a warm-up. If you do not think beer goes with cheesecake, you are horribly, horribly wrong. Check after the jump for proof.

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Today’s a bit of an academic exercise in cheesecake, but we’re sure it’s a class where your attention won’t wander too much. In order to flesh out (hah) the EDSBS Cheesecake map, we now stick a virtual pin in Uruguay, who according to the CIA Factbook exports “meat, rice, leather products, wool, fish, dairy products”…a type of which could be cheesecake, we suppose.

We present: Barbara Mori, Uruguay. (Found by cheesecake majordomo Kleph, who as a single guy in Peru is a certified expert.)

First our dream shot of any woman, really:

Tight clothing! Hot! Tits! Making coffee!!! PERFECTO!!!

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If you are a fan of Telemundo, you know who she is…. Mexican Actress and star of Zorro, Marlene Favela.

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Argentina’s answer to Pamela Anderson, we present Roxana Martinez… she is known as the Tetanic (a pun apparently mixing Tetas and Titanic). Not our type really, but neither is Pam Anderson so we don’t judge.

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We’re extremely literate, hard-working, degreed and responsible people here. We do not wear Axe Body Spray. We have never gotten a DUI. We do not wear necklaces made of dull gray metal shaped into mock-chain link. We accept our eventual mini-vanned fates with glee. We love our wives and go to bed at responsible times only after sorting the recycling, making sure our BillPay account is in order, and taking the dog out for a walk.

And yet….CHEESECAKE STRIKES!!!

Andrea Rincon, a Colombiana, we think. This is the safest picture we could find for the front pagina. The rest are technically safe for work, but again, probably not a great idea to have on the front page, as they feature extremely distracting amounts of bunda. (Seriously–if you have an ounce of hesitation, don’t click more.)

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Back to the continent below, today’s offering explores the interior of the continent and one of only two land locked countries in Latin America. From Paraguay, we give you a former Miss Universe contestant, Yanina Gonzalez.

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We’ve deviated from what made Friday Cheesecake great: bunda. You like the bunda, we like the bunda…the whole world loves the bunda.

We return in force with a fresh crop this week, especially necessary for Stranko since he did attend a Morissey concert last night, and likely needs a dose of raw heterosexuality to counterbalance the bi/curious vibe from the show.

First, Ms. Reef, whoever that is:

And second, bunda that’s work-safe, but likely not work advisable after the jump.

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By popular request, this Friday we go back to where it all began. A country that, after bringing the new world small pox, decided to get busy with the remaining locals and repopulate our hemisphere. For that, we thank you Spain. So today, we give you peace… or at least Paz.

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