One sentence entries annoy the shit out of me, too, but please accept this one because nothing else can really be added to a small but completely awesome moment like this.

Bobby Bowden: (has servant hold up rotary dial phone to ear:) Ah say they-yah, hello?

Joe Paterno: Hey, Bobby. How ya feelin’, buddy?

Bowden: Spry! Just chopped some wood, actually. On my way to do some brisk calisthenics and then expand my chest for a while. How’s your leg? Hurting right now? Like the wobbly inflamed knee of a horse just seconds from the glue factory, eh?

Joe Paterno: Nah, but thanks for asking. That’s very kind. It’s feeling good enough to walk around with no problem, actually. Gonna go for a walk to the stadium in a bit, maybe drop in on my son. Who’s still coaching with me. And not fired and sucking at the drained, sagging bosom of my university.

Bowden: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, Joe. I’m busy thumbing through these blue-chip propects to call. They’re all so fast, you just wouldn’t believe it, really. And they all want to come here. It’s warm down here, you know. That’s got to be hard on your joints, ain’t it Joe? They have to hurt you soooo in the mow-nin’, right?

Paterno: Nah, but I appreciate the concern, Bobby. Hey, look at me, I’m just talkin’ all over the place here. Just wanted to let you know that I’m real sorry to hear about the NCAA shooting down your appeal to vacate the wins. I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship, as would sit fifteen games behind me on the all-time wins list, and that’s with your wins from Samson College throw in there. (giggles)

Bowden: THAT’S SAM-FAHD, you dago sonofabitch! It’s one of the finest academic institutions in Buh-mingham, Alabama!

Paterno: I’m sure they gotta lot of ‘em. I’ll tell ‘em that when I go to my next Brown alumni meeting. Anyway, I gotta get crackin’ here. There’s stuff I gotta do, like take my vitamins, go for a walk, and enjoy the view from 15 wins ahead of you.

Bowden: I hope you trip on your momma’s dick, cripple. WE WILL RISE AGAIN!!!

Paterno: It sounded better when you said it at Gettysburg. You have a nice day, Bobby. Have 15 of them in a row, on me.

Bowden: Why I nevah!– [/click!]

Penn State is having their “PSU Fan Rap Contest,” meaning they want Penn State fans and students to submit their own original compositions honoring Nittany Lion football. If you’ve watched Snowman’s video embedded above, you know that the contest is a foregone conclusion. (Hot finger snappin’ death: he’s got enough to go ’round, h8ers. SNAP. DIE.)

The best two aren’t actually bad. There’s Kake, who tells you he’s a rapper by drinking grape soda on camera, and Intrepid, who has the best balance of being task-focused (raps about PSU and gets the theme) and says of Joe Paterno: “dude’s been in more bowls than a spoon,” which is a cocktail-worthy line in any work. Neither of them snap semi-rhythmically, though, and that’s what’s gonna cost them in the end.

No one has taken advantage of the obvious “Zombie” sample, yet, but we encourage those who would like to do this to go ahead and do it. If you dress up as Joe Paterno and eat people dressed up as Jim Tressel and Patrick Fitzgerald, we’ll throw the full weight of our voting bloc behind your submission. Doubt the electoral power of Mingovia at your own risk, auslander.

(HT: BSD)

We think if you name a child “Sal Fasano,” the infant just sort of comes with a mustache like this attached in a helpful carry-on bag for later use. (HT:
Happy Mustache Wednesday, Motherfuckers!

We were going to put new Purdue coach Danny Hope in here, who has continued the tradition of wearing a Cuban Soup Filter while coaching the Boilermakers, but we spaced on his name in the Sporcle “How effectively can you demonstrate your inability to properly remember names of Division 1 football coaches?” quiz. Without being a total dick and cheating, we got an 86; for further context, info-bot and acknowledged genius Hinton got a 102, but we blame the differential on us filling those data slots with more important things, like essential lines of dialogue from Buttman’s Wild Goose Chase. Joey Silvera never got enough credit for his fine performance in that work.

Penn State isn’t staging full apartment invasions or threatening teammates with machetes as in past years, but Joe Paterno’s squad’s always been about the basics, and nothing is more basic to the fundamentals of the Fulmer Cup than a quality disorderly conduct charge. Isn’t that right, Joe?

GRRRRRRRRYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHBRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIINS

Yes, our thoughts exactly. Jared T. Odrick got into a sidewalk scuffle with some citizens, who then tracked down the Nittany Lion football player by his picture on Penn State’s website. The resulting disorderly conduct charge and one Fulmer Cup point are further proof that Joe Paterno’s decision to smash any computer he sees with a cane to buy a bit more time until the computers become self-aware and eliminate the scourge of humanity forever is a very sound one indeed. You call him a Luddite; he calls himself a freedom fighter for the fleshened ones. History will prove him right.

TALLAHASSEE, AP–Bobby Bowden appealed to the NCAA to include wins from his past before. He may have to do it again.

Florida State will appeal the NCAA ruling in an academic fraud case including the vacating of 14 wins, but should the University lose the appeal Bowden will likely try a new tack. Rather than refuse to honor the NCAA, Florida State will instead lobby for the inclusion of several victories he participated in as a major in the Confederate Army during the Civil War.

Bowden, seen here with Joe Paterno in happier times (i.e., the 1930s)

“Bowden wants that record badly enough to go that far,” said one administration source close to the situation who spoke to the AP anonymously. (more…)

This quote from Cincinnati offensive coordinator Jeff Quinn struck us as being really, really inaccurate:

“As I always said, you never underestimate the spirit of a human being,” Quinn said. “A lot of times you look at profile, height, weight and things of that nature. But you can never really see what’s in a kid’s chest, in his heart and what’s between his ears and his smarts.”

Rey Maualuga disagrees. You can see all of that if you hit someones hard enough in the sternum or skull. T.J. Ward also disagrees with your statement, as you can clearly see Zac Robinson’s amygdala fly from his ear on this hit, which we’re posting twice because it gives us a rage-boner like you wouldn’t believe.

Good lord: the Armed Forces Bowl is on. Consider the comments an open thread for the early game today, and please leave work. No one’s getting anything done thinking about the hot sex of Dave Wannstedt appearing on their television in two hours anyway.

Dear Joe,

Hello, friend! I haven’t dropped you a line in a month ah Sundays! Howza the ah-spaghetti, paisano!

I just fuhst wanted to congratulate you on yah recent contract extension. If you spent money on the good thangs in lahfe–the plantations, the civil wah books, and the 18 part “The Real Vietnam”, you’d undahstand what to do with it instead ah givin’ it back to that leech of an employah you have. What have they evah done fah you, Joe, besides sign a coupla checks? You gotta considah your interests, you gotta considah your interests, that’s all i’m saying.

(Obscured and sloppy scribbling where Bowden fell asleep drooling on the page.)

Whe-yuh was ah? I say, I say, ah just wanted to finally shayuh the secret of my success with youuuu. Ah know as rivals we often play it close to the ve-yust, but ah think aftah yeahs of competition ah can shayuh the key to mah longevity.

In a single wuhd:

CIGARETTES.

Ah’ve been smokin’ um fuh yeahs, and theyuh invigoratin’ flavah and stimulating effect on the mahnd and body have kept me younger than mah peeers for decades now. That little hip problem you have? 16-24 of these a day, and you’ll outlahst me fa sho, son! Affordable, safe, and healthy. Ah wouldn’t lie to ya!

Gonna go on mah daily 28 mile run befo a bit ah recruitin’, Joe. May our Lord and Savyah Jesus Christ look oveh yah, even if you are a disciple of the Whore of Babylon, the Catholic Church. You’re half right, at least.

Three behind ya!

Bobby

P.S. The delicious and healthful cigahhrettes are available at any local gas station or convenience store.

P.P.S. Ah have enclosed a photo of myself from my most recent daguerrotype. I’m definitely ahead of you on the handsome side ah things, if ah do say so mahself!
(more…)

We’re slowly approaching coherence on Penn State’s BCS status. Not quite there, but moving closer.

October 28th, 2008: Joe Paterno sports fetching paisley at his weekly news conference.

Photo by Pat Little, AP.