We’re off to the airport for Miami with the speed of angels driving a MARTA train, hoping to witness something as cold…as ice [/puts on sunglasses YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!] in our beloved mythical national title game. With any luck, we’ll be waving a fistful of dollars at a cockfight by 1 a.m.

Matt Vasgersian all but audibly giggled at Luke Poehlmann’s hair last night. You may not know his name, but you will remember the fantastic WWF sex cowl he wore last night on the Texas sidelines at the Fiesta Bowl.

You say Colt McCoy won that game. We say Poehlmann’s oily, floppy coiffure and asskicking towel-waving did it. Fox’s cameramen made many an error last night, but the one who kept drifting back to that Tijuana Nightlife Helmet? He’s all right in our book.

The Orange Bowl drew the lowest ratings ever for a BCS game, proving that even Jim Grobe facing Bobby Petrino–known for eating cold baby salad on the sideline during games–presents a more charismatic matchup than anything involving Frank Beamer and Brian Kelly. The game pulled a 6.1 share, which means nothing if you’re not familiar with ratings.

Do you watch this show? Please turn yourself in for “voluntary retirement” immediately.

For some illuminating contrast, the Rose Bowl pulled a 12.6 even with an assured Penn State slaughter on the menu. For an even more illuminating and possibly life-altering contrast, consider the contrast with these television ratings, which show that more people watched your average episode of Two and a Half Men than took time out of their week to watch Cincy/Va. Tech. Also: if you were wondering the exact portion of the United States population who might serve the populace better as labor animals, meat, or as batteries to fuel the supercomputers of tomorrow…that number has been recalculated to mean exactly 12 percent of the television viewing audience.

Florida cornerback Joe Haden either does hair-taunting properly in a Saturday presser, or he’s a huge fan of obscure proteins:

Photo: Tricia Coyne, Gainesville Sun.

And yes, Brandon Spikes said this:

“They are a step slower. It will be different for them when they see the speed of our defense,” Spikes said.

Brandon Spikes is also the father of time, author of Tristram Shandy, an accomplished auto-gyro pilot, dandy man-about-town, and was the second president of the nation of East Timor. We question nothing the man says, does, or thinks as long as he keeps intercepting passes with his telescoping go-go-badass arms.

Hi. I’m an anonymous African American football player at the University of Utah. On the eve of this game you might wonder: why would a talented young black man such as myself go to a place that doesn’t have many of my people in it?

You’d be surprised as to the reasons why. First, Coach Whittingham has done a great job making sure everyone’s comfortable here. He has prayer groups for the Mormons so they feel comfortable. He makes sure we know about churches here in our community, too, and lets us know how welcome and valued we are.

Second, it’s a great community: clean, quiet, and with just enough things to do if you want to stay busy. The outdoor sports scene is great if you like it. There are clubs, and you can hang out with the Utah Jazz if you want to–it’s a big city, sure, but it’s got that small town vibe, too.

Third, it really is a great football program. I’ve learned so much here, and grown so much as a person. I owe the fans and the program so much, and will be a Ute for life.

You know why I really went here? (more…)

Football is so easy for Tim Tebow he has played the entire season under a different name for Cincinnati on the offensive line:

(HT: Kevin and William.) This is most likely some giggle-worthy prankdom by Fox staffers, though Samuel Huntington would say that this is actually the Muslim Tebow, and that the two must meet and clash to determine the path of the 21st century because, um…because he said so. Also, if Tebow has been playing offensive line for Cincy and qb for Florida, we know why: his undivided attention would result in a 12 men in the huddle penalty on every play even though there’s only 11 men on the field. It’s just a matter of necessity, really.

Rose Bowl, open thread, evening and onward. Zombies and angels, the field is yours.

UPDATE! There’s now way in fucking hell we’re doing anything for the Orange BLOL tonight, and we do not apologize. We will do anything for love, but we won’t do that. Fun note, though: from pregame footage, have safely ascertained that Macho Harris has the Mariah Carey effect going on, and could be of any ethnicity whatsoever. Paraguayan? Algerian? Mexican? Half-Maori Australian? Yes.

we are whispering because we bet you have a hangover and because lee corso is yelling about USC getting “screwed” out of the national championship game cool! you can say “screwed” on espn now well the outback bowl is on at 11 which is totally wrong and yet here we are and it is happening.

we recommend pedialyte and we recommend someone else get it for you . this is your open thread for the outback bowl. perhaps you should drink less next time hahaha you won’t but it’s a nice thought.

(image: steve spurrier seen five minutes before kickoff)

We just watched the end of what we thought was the first half of the Armed Forces Bowl: a time-saving pass-intensive four down sequence ending in a field goal, a kickoff, and…that’s the half.

Incorrect: the first quarter was ending with the score 17-7, meaning the Armed Forces Bowl has gone just as planned: two of the most aggressive and college-licious offenses running sluttily up and down the field unimpeded by your “defenses.” Air Force is currently holding our heart in its hands thanks to the repeated and vicious fullback running of Aaron Kirchoff Jared Tew, which is already priming us nicely for the fun of watching Jonathan Dwyer through LSU’s midfield tonight.

This game, btw, will last seven hours at this pace. We hope you packed provisions.

The Armed Forces Bowl is just getting started. Bring enough water.

This quote from Cincinnati offensive coordinator Jeff Quinn struck us as being really, really inaccurate:

“As I always said, you never underestimate the spirit of a human being,” Quinn said. “A lot of times you look at profile, height, weight and things of that nature. But you can never really see what’s in a kid’s chest, in his heart and what’s between his ears and his smarts.”

Rey Maualuga disagrees. You can see all of that if you hit someones hard enough in the sternum or skull. T.J. Ward also disagrees with your statement, as you can clearly see Zac Robinson’s amygdala fly from his ear on this hit, which we’re posting twice because it gives us a rage-boner like you wouldn’t believe.

Good lord: the Armed Forces Bowl is on. Consider the comments an open thread for the early game today, and please leave work. No one’s getting anything done thinking about the hot sex of Dave Wannstedt appearing on their television in two hours anyway.