I win and I get…fruit? What the fuck is this shit?

We’re still a bit dazed from watching two teams labeled WARNING! DEFENSIVE CONTENT! last night. A snap pick and return on a lamely thrown curl route? A safety making a pick? Contested interior blocking? A combined over/under below fifty? We did not come screaming on fire to this planet to write a blog called Every Day Should Be Sunday, sirs and madams!

Fortunately, after a mid-game conversation with SMQ, our admiration/shock at the amount of defense played waned a bit as we also realized that neither offense in the game really offered any great shakes either. A few notes:

One: Virginia Tech’s traitorous offense. And has for a long time. We understand the pound the rock, kill the clock philosophy, and how well it meshes with the defense, the special teams blah blah blah…but with eleven minutes left in the game, down 24-14, and the ball in Sean Glennon’s hand, VT only had the defensive half of the formula needed to win the game. It felt like watching clear doom descend over the team–one could almost see it in the droop of shoulders and in the stance of the defense on the sidelines, the defense that for all intents and purposes only allowed seven points. They were waiting for the offense to sell them down the river the whole fourth quarter. They did.

Mmm, love that rodeo tacklin’. In the third quarter all of Virginia Tech’s defenders were glowing with video game bonus. At one point–we think this was Barry Booker–a massive DT grabbed hold of Todd Reesing and fucking German Suplexed him, spinning the qb across his hip and onto the back of his neck with a judo champ’s skill. Last night at one point the announcers debated whether they’d ever seen an academic All-American defensive tackle. We can’t think of one, but we do know one who can pull a wrestling move in the middle of a football play, and that’s kind of awesome, too.

Todd Reesing is plucky. Not overwhelmingly talented–as Mangino just went out and said about his team in the postgame–but plucky and just mobile, tough, and mean enough to keep chains moving and try throws that had NFL scouts breaking out the really, really red markers to write “HIGH RISK” across his profile. He had ten rushes for something like -6 yards, but many of those rushes were the crucial scrambles and keepers that kept chains moving. He looked like the world’s most badass high school QB playing at the college level, which on a defensive team is more than enough.

Two great tastes that taste great together: Sean Glennon’s pocket presents/ Kansas’ d-line. Glennon alternately scrambles his way out of and into trouble–more than any other qb we’ve seen he replicates video game AI qb perfectly, sometimes bouncing around for maddening escapes and first downs, and then just as often stepping directly into a forearm shiver. With Kansas’ line blowing through Tech’s all night, we got to see examples of this all night.

It was enough to make you a little ill.

The Gatorade Defense. There will not be a fat joke here. There will not be a fat joke here. There will…aw, fuck it. There’s totally a fat joke here. They didn’t douse Mangino with Gatorade because he’d swell, because he’d absorb it all, because it would boil off his 214 degree body with visible steam, searing bystanders, they didn’t do it because he’d eat the jug…whatever. It’s a testament both to his control-freaky, no Mr. Nice Guy personality and to his preparation that Mangino actually had some assistant ready to block the Gatorade. Then again, to drag Kansas from football purgatory and into the Orange Bowl, being a controlling dick is most likely a prerequisite for the job.

This post has a soundtrack. Click on it for the proper accompaniment to the story.


MP3 File

By Crom, Josh McNeil is a happy man.

Get this man an AXE body spray endorsement:

Several hours after the University of Tennessee football team thumped its opponent on the field Saturday, UT center Josh McNeil was quizzed by police about a broken window at his apartment and the three intoxicated women in his bed.

He celebrates like Conan the Barbarian, that Josh McNeil. We think the running for the Thighsman Award may be done, since McNeil just grabbed it by its brassy crotch and wrestled it back to his bed/animal husbandry lot/one man European sex club. Those trashy Euro orgy videos where everyone’s hooting on the participants? All filmed in Josh McNeil’s bed. Travis Henry just called him to urge him to wear a condom, and Colin Farrell wants to go to Dubai with him for the weekend just to watch him work a hotel room with eight escorts and twenty bottles of Cristal.

McNeil can’t be charged with anything in the incident, since banging three girls at once in a drunken victory celebration is only illegal in France and the Republic of Third-grade-gaysylvania. (Real, honest homosexuals, on the other hand, have no problem celebrating in multiples.)

McNeil cannot even be charged with sexual assault on an animal, since the “half bear, other half cat” formula for Tennessee women on Rocky Top means McNeil technically made love to 3/2 of a cat and 3/2 of a bear. Charging him with anything like this means lawyers in Tennessee would have to work with fractions, and no one wants to get into that shit. That’s why they went to law school and not med school, which requires math and a hunger for human blood.)

There’s details here, sure: a potted plant thrown through a window, an argument, several guns including rifles, shotguns, and a handgun found in apartment. Read the article if you actually care what happened, including the fact that the three women were charged with underage consumption of alcohol. (Note: consumption of Josh McNeil is totally legal and obviously in demand, ladies of the 865. And in plentiful supply, judging from this.)

All we want to say is that the Josh McNeil, the video game industry needs to make Intercourse Hero and set whatever you do as the Expert Level. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to you, sir.

(HT: Voluminous.)

8:00 PM Holly: This is what happens when you drink and Photoshop on the eve of a must-win game, campers. Let it be a warning lesson, but it does have a point: The SEC is Tiger and Gator country, and like it or not, for the most part the rest of the teams are flitting about them like so many pesky military helicopters. Tonight, we separate the chainsaw-endowed werewolves from the giant mutant lizards. (NB: The gorilla on the sidewalk was originally cast as Coach O, but the sinister elephant head was too perfect to pass up. And, really, who’s to say that’s not The Orgeron’s true form?)

Let’s dance.

8:08 PM Barstoolio: I’ve said this before on the radio, but it bears repeating on this occasion: nothing would have me put out faster than to hear “I bring you Jim Tressel’s nipples in a Target bag.” What!

8:11 PM Holly: What’s this? A nightcap of Domer despair! Dear Harrison Smith: Before kickoff, just want to let you know–you can still come home. We love you, and by the time you get on a standby flight we’ll surely lose another defender to injury or meth. Fly safe! XOXO, Knoxville.

8:17 PM Holly: How ADORABLE: a UCLA defender knocks Clausen into the air like a straw puppet, and another one basically takes him in his arms and tenderly slams him to the sideline. Mind the spikes, Bruins!

8:19 PM Barstoolio: I wonder if the abandoned husk of Notre Dame football can be bronzed. Like baby shoes!

8:23 PM J-Money: Someone call vaudeville…Gary Danielson has run away again. He looks exactly like a ventriloquist dummy. And by that, I mean he looks like he’d be OK with another man’s hand up his back. I’m not even kidding…totally wooden. I’m pretty sure his morning routine involves Pledge.

8:25 PM Holly: And away we go. Florida-LSU, kicking off…now. Team meteor!

8:32 PM J-Money: The team introductions are brought to us by Applebees. Great, now I’ll think about Tim Tebow the next time I eat a basket of riblets. And I’ll think about riblets the next… oh.

8:37 PM Holly: This game is sponsored in part by the DVD Release of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Oh, really?

8:38 PM J-Money: “Fantastic 4″ should be how they refer to any remaining Notre Dame fans.

8:40 PM J-Money: Sonic scares the shit out of me. I’m pretty sure their recipes are all written using the “I double dog dare you” technique.

8:47 PM Holly: TIMBER! Down goes Tebow. On the field.

8:47 PM J-Money: Holy shit! Not only did Tyson Jackson take Timmaaaay’s face off, he also has the names of two disgraced former icons!

8:48 PM Barstoolio: Every time I hear “Glenn Dorsey” my mind starts to hear “Ken Dorsey.” It’s a particularly harsh form of torture.

8:48 PM J-Money: Zenon? Isn’t that also on the periodic table?

8:49 PM Holly: And every time I hear HIS name, I flash to Zebo, the evil clown on Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid Of The Dark.

8:52 PM J-Money: Is “the charges were dropped” some kind of code for “the parking lot owner was just given a pair of diamond pants”?

8:53 PM Holly: *stifles related Perriloux joke*

8:56 PM J-Money: I hope to God we’ve just heard the one and only use of the phrase “he kind of squirts forward”.

9:02 PM Holly: I…um…a square dance just broke out midfield. I’m joking, but only because it would make more sense than whatever the FUCK kind of formation that was supposed to be.

9:03 PM Holly: CBS Interns + EDSBS 4EVA! This just popped up during a sideline report. Everything’s coming up Swindle, boys and girls.

9:10 PM Holly: Where’s your god now, LSU? Florida’s is on the 2 and driving…..yup. Touchdown Tebow, in not-unimpressive fashion.

9:19 PM J-Money: It bothers me when one of the defenders lines up directly in the Tiger’s pupil.

9:20 PM Holly: On an unrelated note, unless you’re a CBS copy editor: The headline “In Trouble Again: Police Site Perriloux” just flashed on the screen. Look for it to reappear in the spring as a hit hourlong drama about a riverboat gambling ring.

9:24 PM J-Money: You’re right. Anybody can beat anyone now. Except Notre Dame. At this point, I’m not even sure they could beat off. HEY OOOOOH!

9:28 PM J-Money: Nice pass, Perrillioux. Two more like that, and you’ll win yourself a stuffed SpongeBob.

9:29 PM Holly: I was supposed to be at the UCLA-Notre Dame game tonight, and I am overjoyed to be snickering at it from a safe distance instead. Bruins, you may not respect yourselves or your conference enough to show up for primetime, but you have to respect natural law: Notre Dame is wretched and must not prevail. World without end, amen.

9:30 PM J-Money: OK, I just got to see a horrid local commercial about finding a needle in a haystack. Know who looks for needles in a haystack? Junkies.

9:31 PM Barstoolio: 7-10 UF. I like that Florida’s in this game, but should LSU and USC eat it, that leaves a door open for Ohio State. And I’d rather meet Mangino in a dark alley with a bottle of baby oil than see that happen.

9:39 PM J-Money: I want to know how many of the Gators wear Crocs.

9:40 PM Holly: I don’t care much one way or the other for Miles…but to see him defending that Highsmith hit? Gross.

9:42 PM J-Money: Also gross? Seeing his teeth in HD. Like a candy corn sandwich.

9:44 PM Holly: I flip over to ABC for a second and see such a clamoring UCLA celebration that I figure the game must be over–but no, they’ve kicked a field goal. To put them ahead 6-3. Excelsior!

9:46 PM Barstoolio: Ouch. Curtis Taylor just hit Percy Harvin like he was full of candy.

9:47 PM Holly: I will give Tebow this: He’s got the makings of a cham-peen hula hooper. Swivel those hips, cupcake….NO. SLOWLY.

9:48 PM J-Money: When Tebow sees man-to-man coverage, he thinks “scramble”. When Brady Quinn sees it, he thinks “snuggle”.

9:57 PM J-Money: I look forward to the day when Colt David’s parents tell him that he was actually named for the malt liquor. And when they ask that he not tell his brother Mad Dog.

9:59 PM J-Money: Is there ever a time when it’s not important to get points? I’m never sorrier to be a woman than I am when I see sideline reporters like her. Or when I see Bea Arthur.

10:01 PM Holly: Pssst….Trojans! Trooooojans…wake up, honey, it’s time to go to school. Yes! You’re on the teevee! I know, it IS exciting! You think maybe it’s time to play some foot-ball now? Won’t that be fun? Let’s find out! *twitch*

10:14 PM Holly: I know the answer, but I’d like to think I’m not the only one who sat through that “Go Gators” commercial waiting for an actual alligator to explode out of that reflecting pool and maul someone.

10:32 PM Holly: LSU fakes a field goal and skitters for a first down. And like the last time they ran this play, the casual viewer is left with the unshakable sense that Les Miles called this play entirely by accident.

10:33 PM J-Money: I like how all of the highlights involving LSU kicker Colt David show him doing things other than kicking the ball.

10:35 PM J-Money: Go away Sonic! I want a followup commercial where those two guys are so distracted by their Chili Fritos Steak Muffins that they pull out of the parking lot and directly into the path of an oncoming locomotive.

10:38 PM Holly: I have just been informed that USC is about to fall to Stanford, 24-23, after committing 5 turnovers in the second half. I don’t even have the strength to make a Lorax joke at the thought of this, but: Buckle your seatbelts, ducklings. Once EVERYONE loses, this whole carousel resets.

10:40 PM J-Money: That missed field goal is pretty important now, Colt. Don’t be surprised when you find you’ve been replaced by the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

10: 41 PM Holly: Tim Tebow’s idea of trash talk is “PAPER TIGERS!” There’s no joke here. Just slipping that in the zeitgeist.

10:41 PM J-money: It’s like something out of Highlights. Gallant is always respectful to his opponent. Goofus calls them paper tigers.

10:42 PM Holly: I just saw…I don’t even know what I just saw in the LSU stands. I’m really sorry I invoked the Lorax. If you saw it, you know what I’m talking about.

10:53 PM J-Money: She means this:

10:56 PM Holly: Hey y’all, the server’s getting a little slow. We assume this is caused by the retrograde spinning of Earth on its axis caused by the actions of USC and UCLA, but in case things grind to a complete halt, thanks for a lovely Saturday.

11:06 PM Barstoolio: It’s like Patrick Nix is coaching the server!

11:07 PM Holly: For real. Clearly, site not hosted within speedy confines of SEC.

11:12 PM J-Money: Colt David is worthless. He’s what Adam Sandler used to sing about.
Holly: Turkey?
J-Money: No, the lonesome kicker. The song about the special shoe and someone slamming his face into a hibachi. But Turkey works too.

11:24 PM Holly: Les Miles is using his last timeout to challenge a play that had already been reviewed. Thanks, Les! There’s nothing left for me to add. it is pret-a-porter. You’re a giver.

11:25 PM Barstoolio: Somewhere, Hayley LaFontaine smiles widely.

11:26 PM Holly: …..there is no order. Nothing is certain. What a goddamn day.

11:28 PM Barstoolio: I’m not sure I’m tall enough to ride this day.

11:30 PM Holly: Charlie Weis beating Karl Dorrell Should Not Count. It’s the CFB equivalent of giving a first grader a gold star for showing up to class with both shoes on the right feet.

11:33 PM J-Money: LSU trails Florida by Colt David should be eaten by scorpions. Three. I mean three.

11:36 PM J-Money: Holliday was jammed so hard he is now Holliday (Observed).
Holly: *rimshot*
J-Money: I’m getting punchy. I know. I need Paul Shaffer here in my living room just encouraging me.
Holly: That was TERRIB(ly awesome).
J-Money: I know. I’m actually embarrassed it was so bad. Like finding an old notebook that says “I heart Scott Grimes”.

11:43 PM J-Money: Not only did LSU get a first down, they also kept Colt David off the field where, much like the potato famine, he can only cause sorrow and heartbreak.

11:44 PM J-Money: I like how the pronunciation of Perrilloux is now “Parallel”.
Holly: It’s degenerative. By OT it’ll be “Parasol.”
J-Money: Then “Paraffin”.

11:43 PM Holly: In between snipings, it bears pointing out that HOLY HELL this could get real dramatic real fast.

11:51 PM J-Money: There’s a horrible Hester-Flynn joke in there somewhere. That’s where I am. Nathaniel Hawthorne references.

11:53 PM Holly: ABC’s reporting that John David Booty broke the middle finger on his throwing hand in the first half. That whole clusterfuck is now infused with a tiny modicum of sense, but still… qu’est-ce que the hell c’est??

11:57 PM Holly: They finally cut in close to the faces of the Florida players on the bench, so I can tell that those are eye black strips with gator heads on them and not scarab beetles clinging to their cheekbones. While I’m grateful for the clarification, it was kinda cooler before.

11:59 PM J-Money: Five seconds until Colt David can go the rest of the week without worrying he’s going to wake up to find a severed leg in his bed…Success!

12:00 AM Holly: Well, girls?
J-Money: I don’t know if I’m flushed from excitement or from having my computer on my lap for 4 hours. Either way, it was a hell of a night.
Barstoolio: *throws up drunken shaky “U”*

LSU 28, Florida 24. Nebraska’s losing to Mizzou over on the WWL, but that’ll do it for us tonight. Quoth the Verne: “We’ll try to top this next week”, but I can’t see how.  Thanks to Swindle for the  keys to the castle, and to all y’all motherfuckers for keeping it lively and making us feel like the prettiest girls at the fair  realest bitches alive.  Sweet dreams, e’ybody.

3:30 PM Holly: The half-open eyes of a belligerently drunk nation turn now to Dallas and the Red River Shootout, to the Longhorns and the Land Thieves, but I only have eyes for Neyland. If the last week of football didn’t convince you that no one watching has a shred of a clue what’s going to happen tonight, turn back the clock to the last meeting of the Vols and Dawgs. Tennessee, down by ten at the half, scored thirty-seven points in two quarters to win 51-33, only the second team to hang more than fifty between the hedges. “Expect the unexpected” will be the rule. That, and “We’re giving up at least two punt returns for touchdowns.” Take it to the bank.

3:33 PM Holly: ohgod. ohnonono. Steve Beuerlein just pointed out that “Tennessee is always in the game with Erik Ainge at quarterback.” DO NOT TEMPT THE FOOTBALL GODS, BLAZER BOY. If Ainge goes down in this game I’m coming for your entrails.

3:44 PM Barstoolio: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Perhaps focusing on “finishing” over the last two weeks in practice could have included some “starting.” Miami’s 27-point second half wasn’t enough to overcome the flat first half and the loss of two starters to injury. Purdue and NC State, I trust that you understand the only thing that can salvage this day is the utter destruction of Tressel and Bowden, and should that not happen, I will burn your states to the ground. I want the ground spongy with their blood and their towns laid to waste. Time to drink the pain away.

3:46 PM Holly: TOUCHDOWN, ARIAN MOTHERFUCKING FOSTER. …and the glee is supplanted immediately by apprehension, because here comes our defense.

3:56 PM Holly: …and they appear to be both alert and here to play football. I know this isn’t how livebloggery works, but I’m a little hesitant to do anything but report the facts of this game and make fun of ugly Athens coeds in the stands, for fear of jinxing our chance at a conference win.

3:59 PM Holly: Whoa. Clicked over to Texas-OU to find John Chiles in at QB. Didn’t expect to see that this early.

4:01 PM Barstoolio: I am working with the options of NC State/FSU and Iowa/Penn State. Either way, the unmistakable odor of tapioca and mothballs is wafting from the television.

4:03 PM Holly: Arian Foster’s name means “water bearer” and “holder of knowledge”. Honey, you just hold on to the damn ball this week and leave the heavy thinking for Sundays.

4:04 PM Holly: …all right, that came out wrong. Arian, we love you. But you understand why were a little surprised to see you breaking tackles and with positive yards next to your name, right? Keep it up. You’re doing great. Text message from hetero lifemate at Neyland: “Arian, I only yell because THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.”

4:07 PM Holly: But as delightfully strange as that is, it can’t compare to seeing our defenders knocking down opposing players. That’s kinda like glancing around in traffic and glimpsing a duck driving a car.

4:09 PM Holly: Haven’t Texas and Oklahoma both suffered enough in the last seven days? What sins could they possibly have commmitted in the intervening week to deserve the dulcet tones of Paul Maguire?

4:13 PM Holly: Just a disgusting late hit on Colt McCoy. Lovely, Sooners. And here’s Maguire, trying to excuse it. McCoy follows up with a pretty pass to Sweed. Shake it off, kid.

4:15 PM Holly: LUCAS TAYLOR (not our QB) to Coker for a 56 yard TD. I take it back. Seeing trick plays from this team? THAT’S like watching a duck driving a car. If you need me for the next few minutes, I’ll be blowing kisses in the general direction of Coach Cutcliffe.

4:21 PM Barstoolio: Happy Valley has got to be the dumbest location name in college football. How do they even get excited? It’s like trying to get pumped to play in Skippy Kid Ridge or Rainbow Fun Hill.

4:22 PM Holly: WE JUST BLOCKED A PUNT. We are Tennessee. Tennessee does not block punts. I clapped a hand over my mouth to muffle my shriek with such force that I cut my lip. Holy hell, this could be something. (Yes, followed with 30 yards in penalties, just so we know it’s still the Vols playing.)

4:26 PM Holly: A Georgia defender just streaked straight through the line to Ainge with terrifying speed. Too bad he’d already completed a bullet train of a pass to Austin Rogers for the first down.

4:27 PM Barstoolio: Holy shit. FSU’s kicker is like a giant sandy redneck bear. He’s terrifying.

4:26 PM Holly: I can’t believe this. Touchdown Hardesty. Extra point up and good, and our new kicker’s on the longest perfect start streak of any UT kicker, ever. 21-0 Vols. It feels like time has sped up. This isn’t easy to articulate or to snark about, but…they’re playing like Tennessee, all of a sudden. These are the boys we know. Just in time for the balance of our conference schedule. (Still: Caution. Remember last year, and remember last week. This is far, far from over.)

4:31 PM Holly: LOLZ!!1 There’s a little corner window over on ABC with Bob Stoops talking in it, but the angle’s distorted and his head looks like a perfect trapezoid.

4:40 PM Holly: Ainge took the guard off his broken finger for today’s game, and he’s back, baby. 110 yards passing in a quarter and a half, the latest to freshman WR Moore for 45 yards. Over on ABC, Texas leapfrogs ahead, 14-7.

4:43 PM Holly: Aaaand…touchdown. Arian Foster, all is forgiven. 22 yards, not a finger laid on him. Time to start drinking and Photoshopping. HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON, y’all.

4:43 PM Holly: Hypothetically, while I’ve got to the place to myself, how many different ways would Swindle come up with to kill me if I embedded a Rocky Top mp3 in this post? Discuss.

5:01 PM Holly: Giggly stat from CBS: In the last four quarters of meeting, Tennessee has scored 65 points to Georgia’s nine. And that’ll take us to halftime. Was it good for you? Me, I need a cigarette.

5:07 PM Holly: All right, halftime. Let’s review.

• Texas hanging in with OU, 14-14 at the half.

• Alabama, up a suspiciousy slight 16 points on Houston in the 3rd.
• Iowa, down 13-0 to Penn State at halftime, which ain’t that bad considering their season to date–that defense is still doing its thing and doing it well.
• ‘Noles tied with NC State, 10-10.
• South Florida…tied 7-7 with Florida Atlantic?
• Michigan manages to scrape a win against mighty Eastern Michigan, 33-22.
• West Fuckin’ By-God Virginia juices Syracuse, 55-14.
• [TEAM REDACTED] over Wisconsin, 31-26.
• Kansas and PeteJayHawk over KState, 30-24.
• Auburn over Vandy, 35-7.
• Wake over Duke, 41-36.
• DaCoachO over La Tech, 24-0
• Maryland defeats Georgia Tech 28-26. The Turtle can’t help you, Chan Gailey.

….and in Knoxville, the Tennessee Volunteers lead the Georgia Bulldogs, 28-0 with two quarters to play.

5:20 PM Barstoolio: Howard Schnellenberger is old (Seriously, I was under the assumption he was interred under the Orange Bowl at midfield or something) but has managed live long enough to be tied with USF at the half. The rabid Bulls fans in Tampa are preparing torches. Hose down your children!

5:23 PM Holly: We’re back, and Ainge is promptly sacked. That’s rare for this line, but two things we need to not not NOT do right now: Get lazy, and try to stuff the ball up the middle on every play. Let’s finish this thing. (And I mean “finish” in the Mortal Kombat sense, boyos–I wanna see some spinal columns.)

5:28 PM Barstoolio: I wonder if anyone’s tried to go over Niagara Falls in Joe Pa’s chest?

5:32 PM Holly: Touchdown, Georgia, on what you have to call a beautiful catch by Goodman. He basically snatched it right out of Vinson’s face. Vinson landed funny on his wrist but hops up fast enough. 28-7. Over in Dallas, Nate Jones just made a nifty catch for the Lonhorns. McCoy follows up with a pass to a TE whose number I didn’t catch–shades of last season. They’re in the red zone and driving. Still 14-14.

5:39 Holly: Seeing is believing–we’re throwing the damn ball. And it’s working. Ainge is being allowed to run this thing his way, and it’s a credit to our coaching staff (I know!) that they’re going with what works rather than shoving Foster into the middle of the line every play.

5:46 Holly: Daddy calls from the game to confirm that yes, in fact, that was Tennessee that just went for it on fourth and short…and converted. The sky has turned to sackcloth.

5:51 PM Holly: Foster’s THIRD touchdown of the night, once again inducing apparent narcolepsy in the Georgia front seven the second the ball’s in his grasp. 37-7 Tennessee.

6:02 PM Holly: Georgia gets off a 66-yard punt. Impressive…problem is, that means they just gave it back to Erik Ainge.

6:10 PM Holly: Young John Chavis’ hair FTW!

6:11 PM Holly: Texas and OU are all tied up as the 4th quarter begins, 21-21. Someone in the metro Chicago area kindly find Texy and PB, shoot them full of adrenaline, and set them loose in the nearest bar.

6:16 PM Barstoolio: FSU/NC State on lightning delay gets me to Dallas just in time to see Colonel Mustard sideline reporting with a shaky cam. That was…disconcerting.

6:16 PM Holly: At least you didn’t get the motherfucker in the boater hat.

6:26 PM Holly: Meanwhile in Dallas: OU’s up 28-21, and Colt McCoy just got picked off…right as Stafford’s intercepted in the endzone by Marsalous Johnson. There’s an exTREMEly suspicious pass interference call, and Georgia moved up to the 2. Touchdown to a wide open Tripp Chandler, made all the more loathsome by virtue of being named Tripp Chandler.

6:32 PM Holly: Text from brother at Neyland: “Dear sociopath in black shirt: I’m sorry your team sucks. Please sit down.” If I know him, he’s sneaking up behind the guy to get a look at his cell so he can send this message to him personally. If this turns out to be the last post, I had to go take care of his bail.

6:40 PM Holly: Matthew Stafford, intercepted out of his own endzone. Fulmer’s covered in Gatorade and capering about in a manner more suited to a man a third of his size. ROCKY TOP, BABY.

6:51 PM Holly: Your final score: Tennessee 35, Georgia 14. Fuck and yes. Now, to sweat out the last two minutes of the Red River Shootout. Texas down by seven with two minutes to play.

6:56 PM Holly: Update from LSUJoshua: “We were walking down to see the band and Mike the Tiger and caught these two girls peeing on bushes. We asked them how it was going, and they said “Pissalicious”. ” Hey, like Georgia’s pass defense!

6:57 PM J-Money: I’m back! I just turned on the Clemson-Virginia Tech game in time to hear one of Clemson’s players being referred to as “lightly used”, which is the same way a friend of mine refers to his former wife. I’m not making either piece of that up.

6:58 PM Holly: It’s not gonna happen for the Longhorns, and that’s so painful. Trash prevails: OU 28, Texas 21.

7:05 PM J-Money:  I didn’t expect Duke to play like that… most of the time, their games would have exactly the same outcome if none of their players had any arms.  It was 34-9 in the middle of the 3rd quarter.  Final score? Wake 41, Duke 36.  I cursed at a woman wearing a bonnet.

7:07 PM Holly:   And that’s naptime…see y’all back for the night games thread in an hour or so.  GOVAWLS!!

Morning, boys. Holly (of Ladies, Snarkastic….yes, and this), The Great Barstoolio, and Ladies… Photoshopper nonpareil J-Money have the run of the sandbox this weekend. Between the three of us, we carry loyalties to Tennessee, Miami, West Fuckin’ Virginia, Wake Forest, South Florida, Texas, and USC. At time of publication, two of us are already drunk and one’s still in her underwear. Should be a hell of a hoedown.

10:30 AM Holly: Oh, Loo’vl. Loo’vl, Loo’vl, Loo’vl. I’m not here to suggest you had a shred of a season left after losing to Syracuse (SYRACUSE!), but you know what’s even sadder than losing to Utah at home? The fact that you found the moxie to mount an honest, valid attempt at a comeback and STILL couldn’t close the deal.

10:49 AM Holly: The only mildly interesting sign I can make out on GameDay so far starts “Dear KU” and contains the word “guacamole”, but I can’t make out the rest. Anyone?

10:53 AM Holly: Brady Quinn endorsement alert! Something called “Gillette Game Face”, promising “face time” with BQ in New York for winners of some contest (gillettegameface.com! Go!). Face time….holy hell, do we get to SHAVE him? He always struck me as a waxer.

11:02 AM Barstoolio: The only thing that could make Kansas State’s purple uniforms even more awesome: if Prince were their mascot and he was kept on a leash on the sideline.

11:03 AM Holly: Liiiittle Jordy Nelson! Baby, he’s much too fast. For Texas. *quiet weeping*

11:05 AM Holly: According to Jebus, the sign apparently reads “Dear KU, Please enjoy 45 guacamole pop shots courtesy of KSU. Love, Wade Boggs.” Well, THAT explains EVERYTHING.

11:21 AM Holly: The upcoming segment on Notre Dame is titled, “Is Today The Day?”, but is accompanied by clips of Jimmy Clausen throwing INTs and being chased by burly defenders, so I’m going with “No.”

11:27 AM Holly: Kirk would like you to know that “UCLA is for REAL” and that they have the athletic ability to make it to the bowl season with one loss. I’m a couple days behind in my RSS reader…they’re still coached by Karl Dorrell, right?

11:30 AM Barstoolio: I would like Kirk to know his eyebrows look like carpet remnants.

11:42 AM Holly: Huh. If the Gators “haven’t forgotten what they learned last season” in Jordan-Hare, what the hell were they doing again last week?

11:47 AM Holly: I’m a little disappointed in the GameDay crowd turnout and disposition, but I’m trusting that the first-string hooligans are still passed out in alleys and will be ready to roll by sunset.

11:52 AM Barstoolio: I’ve abandoned GameDay for The ACC Show. Is this what it feels like to wake up 45 and single?

11:53 AM Holly: Erin Andrews just….painted some guy’s nose orange in the student section. Too many jokes. Circuit overload.

11:55 AM Holly: Five minutes from West Fuckin’ Virginia kickoff… J-Money’s at the Wake Forest game, but she left us a present:

mmmm, breakfast.

12:00 PM Holly: Corso picks the Tigers. Well, Florida, you’ve got that going for you.

12:02 PM Holly: I just got off the phone with Orson, who would like to let y’all know that as of 11:00 AM Central time, he has been “called a faggot twice and told to fuck off in some fashion five times” on the LSU campus. Oh, bright college days.

12:06 PM Barstoolio: Miami has lost 5 of its last six road games. If you think I haven’t just done an exorcism dance to 2 Live Crew, you don’t know me at all.

12:14 PM Barstoolio: Touchdown, UNC. Is this an indictment of my dancing?

12:17 PM Holly: [NAME REDACTED]’s shirt has these orange flashes on the sleeves that make it look like he’s wearing floaties. My kingdom for a screencap, it’s that adorable.

12:22 PM Holly: Rashard Mendenhall just strolled 32 yards into Wisconsin’s endzone untouched. Everyone’s seen the Badgers eke out wins by the barest of margins all season, but that total lapse of defense so early in them.

12:34 PM Holly: ….of course, it will match their offensive woes nicely, as they proceed to their first missed field goal of the season. C’mon, Bieilelelma.

12:49 PM Barstoolio: The Hurricanes are UNC’s bitches at the end of the first quarter, down 13-0 and flailing about in a sea of powder blue. They have never beaten the Tar Heels in Chapel Hill. Commence the wailing and the gnashing of grills.

12:55 PM Holly: Great moment just now in Champaign: Arrelious Benn, freezing for a split second in a circle of about five Badgers, all of whom look honestly scared to get near him before he dives forward for an extra yard or so.

1:03 PM Barstoolio: I … this game is taking away my joviality, but I’m a soldier.

1:03 PM Holly: …of fortune.

1:07 PM Barstoolio: 20-0. This must be the Curse of The Rock.

1:07 PM Holly: I am totally comfortable blaming Miami’s play on The Scorpion King (the movie, not the actual Scorpion King, who totally exists and would show these Tar Heels what the fuck is what).

1:12 PM Holly: While I’m pulling for Wisconsin in this match, I’m really enjoying the Illini’s success because it enables me to type “Rashard Mendenhall” over and over again. Oh, and he just hit the endzone again. 17-0, Illinois.

1:24 PM Barstoolio: Interception UNC.

THEREISNOCRYINGINFOOTBALL THEREISNOCRYINGINFOOTBALL

1:27 PM Holly: I just caught the replay of that. There’s a shot of a Miami defender missing a tackle and falling on his facemask in such exaggerated fashion that I can’t believe it’s not a cartoon.

1:30 PM Barstoolio: You mock my pain! (Football is pain, highness.)

1:35 PM Holly: Swann being helped off the field. Chin up, Wisconsin, it’s not like he was the only one out there making pl…oh.

1:41 Barstoolio: Kyle Wright manages to squeeze in another INT before the half, enabling Miami to stay down by 27 points. Looks like we might see Kirby Freeman. I’ve begun cutting.

1:44 PM Holly: Halftime scores of interest (”interest” = “games I can’t see with shady Los Angeles cable”): Kansas-KState tied at 14…Maryland 21 GTech 3….Auburn 21 Vandy 0.

1:51 PM Holly: DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND TURN TO ESPN THEY ARE RE-AIRING THE LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK WHERE HE DOES MAGIC TRICKS GO GO GO .

2:10 PM Holly: Touchdown Badgers! Nice of you to show up. Sleep well?

2:16 PM Holly: You know, I was disappointed to see that Notre Dame was scheduled for a night game. That early-morning cup of perfect Domer misery has made for a merry start to every Saturday this season…but a(nother!) Michigan choke job would be just as delicious. The Wolverines are currently clinging to a 23-14 lead over…Eastern Michigan.

2:25 PM Barstoolio: Sam Shields catches Miami’s second TD of the half in as many possessions (I think - I ran out at the half for more booze and a salad) as Miami finally realizes there’s a game going on. Never doubt the U, son - or the hellfire halftime stare of Randy Shannon.

2:34 PM Barstoolio: DARNELL JENKINS 97 YARDS THROW UP YOUR U!

2:34 PM Holly: That doesn’t mean “uterus”, right?

2:34 PM Barstoolio: I did that in the first half.

2:46 PM Barstoolio: So, I can’t watch USF (I’m IN. FLORIDA.), but I have the option of UW-Eau Claire vs UW-Whitewater. *blank look*

2:56 PM Holly: Northwestern and Michigan State are tied 27-27 in the 4th. The play-by-play announcer for one of these teams once sent me pictures of his calves in an effort to win my affections. I am absolutely not making this up.

3:15 PM Holly: Rapidly losing interest in Wisconsin’s demise by way of creeping dread re: Tennessee-Georgia. I fear the next post will not be half as coherent, spilling over with such entries as “CATCH THE GODDAMN BALL!!!!!111″, and for this I ask your forgiveness in advance.

3:19 PM Barstoolio: Meanwhile, in downtown Miami, the Orange Bowl begins to tear herself down early in shame.

3:21 Holly: Update from Baton Rouge: LSUJoshua has managed to fry two turkeys, killing neither himself nor any bystanders. Orson has racked up Three “FAGGOT!”s, Five “FUCK YEEEEW”s, and one “HEEEY GILLIGAN! THASSA TERRIBLE HAT, MAN!”. And that’ll about do it for this round. Afternoon thread up shortly; we’ll see you there.

The Curious Index will be along in a minute. However, rent’s due, and someone’s check most definitely did not bounce. Holly, valiant Vol fan and sports bloggette from Ladies… and Snarkastic made a bet with us: if Florida won their matchup against Tennessee, then she would have to write a certain phrase on her boobs for our perusal and the rest of the universe’s, as well. If Florida lost to Tennessee, we would have had to sing Rocky Top and record it for posterity’s sake.

(This may sound lopsided. However, we hate Rocky Top like nothing else. Seriously. We might rather voluntarily dive into an Olympic pool filled with sulfuric acid than sing the song.)

This happened on Saturday, among other events:

RHINO RHINO RHINO!!!

…meaning Holly had to pay up. And being the honorable, courageous fan she is, she paid up. Given that Tennessee has given up over 40 points to two opponents already this season, she’ll need all the courage she can muster. And a shirt, evidently

Click the jump to see the fine artwork of victory drawn onto her rack. Salut! to Holly.

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If you wonder what happy looks and sounds like…this is it.

59-20. All your boobz are belong to Mr. Tebow. 100 COCKTAILS TO YOU, LIFE!!! (HT: Awful Announcing, whose site name in no way applies to Verne “Captain Nuclear Awesomepantsface” Lundquist.)

Boobs, or the worst song ever recorded: choose the right, reader.

Agenda:

1. Drive to Gainesville

2. DRINK. KILL. GLORY.

3. Come home in time for EDSBS Live on Sunday.

Enjoy your weekend and root for Florida. The choice is yours: root for the Gators, and you root for boobs on the internet. Root for Tennessee, and you get us singing “Rocky Top.” And no one wins there.

See below for details.

me: I, Orson Swindle, being of mind and body, do promise to record a version of “Rocky Top” upon the event of a loss to the Tennessee Volunteers for the Florida Gators football team on Saturday.

The resulting carnage will be photographed, and made available to the internets, within three days of the game. (more…)

I’ve known señor Swindle since around 1992. I like the guy. Really, I do. But sometimes he needs a little tweaking now and again. On that score, we bring you Orson’s least favorite cheesecake option of all time to celebrate the end of the offseason when we desperately need the weekly distractions. Without further ado, EDSBS’s Friday Cheesecake is the distinctly non-latin, silicon-filled, college football lovin’, Bobby Bowden worshiping Jen Sterger.

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Although the title of Ms. Universe went to Ms. Japan (which I thought was a travesty), we here at EDSBS believe that there are no losers in this wonderful competition. I mean, are you going to call Ms. Brazil as loser???? We sure won’t:

Miss Brazil Natalia Guimaraes

More worthy cheesecakery after the jump (more…)

It was pointed out to us that, although we have featured Ms. Agustina’s (not her real name) posterior before, she was never officially a Friday Cheesecake entry. So here we go. We give you, Keyra Augustina of Argentina.

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Brought to you by the Latin Billboard Awards in sunny Coral Gables, Florida.

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This Friday’s Latin-themed Cheesecake of the day comes via Kanu, who answered our call for an OMG Shirtless! cheesecake recruit from Brazil with speed, skill, and precision.

Bianca Rinaldi, a paulista from Sao Paulo . Foi um prazer te conhecer, bonito.

Bianca Rinaldi. Proof that living in Brazil might be worth the exaggerated risk of being shot.

A cure for the case of the Mondays.

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Orson requested cheesecake, so, in honor of Betty La Fea’s big win, we give you a Golden Globe sampling:

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