Part two of “What Bloggers Do” is over at the SB with Mottram and Shanoff kicking in, as well. Tipsters, ripsters, and zipsters: it’s the new tripartite catchphrase.

Remember one thing. If we learned anything from all of this, it is that angry words only hurt. Angry dancing, though, heals us all.

Shantih to you all.

Buzz Bissinger just ripped on bloggers, including Will Leitch, who had to sit there and take it because, once angered, no amount of reason would get through to the guy who wrote Friday Night Lights.

Bissinger has no idea what blogs are about, though he may claim to. So in short, for the record, we thought we might state for the record a.) who a blogger might be, and b.) what blogging does. Ready? We’ll keep this short.(For an epic poem or Supreme Court ruling–ed.)

A. Who a Blogger Might Be, or in this case, me.

My desk: taste the glamour.

DURR-HURR! GUY WHO LIVES IN MOM’S BASEMENT DURR!!! Untrue. We know of only one one blogger who lives in Mom’s basement, and that makes him just like Mike Lupica, doesn’t it? (Mom! Meatloaf and the Mets game on in five! MOM!) The bloggers we know best do the following;

1. Will Leitch. Full-time writer. Lots of people read him. Not mom’s basement on the address.

2. Matt Ufford. Ditto, and ditto. Has roommates, I think, but still. Oh, and COMMANDED A FUCKING TANK UNIT IN IRAQ. Buzz Bissinger went to Phillips Academy, a very dangerous place in its own right. They ride English saddles there! There’s not even a horn on it for stability!

3. Big Daddy Drew. Likewise, successful before becoming a sports blogger, and would be even if the medium didn’t come around.

4. The guys from Fire Joe Morgan. No idea what these men do, because they cover American Cricket, and I therefore don’t obsess enough about them to follow up. Fortunately, neither do mainstream journos, none of whom have inquired into blogger’s backgrounds before accusing them of living in Mom’s basement. I assume, judging from the brawny machinations of their writing, that they could presumably do other jobs quite successfully without going on the maternal dole.

5. Lawyers. Most post under pseudonyms, but these people make up the rank and file of the blogging world. Why? Because they are bored to tears by their jobs despite being creative, articulate, argumentative, and passionate people. Give a dam an outlet, and it’ll crack mountains into silt. That’s what lawyers are to the blogosphere. None of them live with their mothers, and many make more than the sportswriters who accuse them of living–yes–with Mom.

6. Me. Yep, I’ll go there. (more…)

An ode to ADD-stricken, vagabond coaches over at the SN: that’s the latest column over at the office, where we extol the virtues of those coaches who, for one reason or another, can’t stay stationary.

Just like one old bandito we know:

Schnell-dogg, he runnin’ this shit.

In our discussion of important offseason questions, we have a special guest today: Tulip, the Komodo Dragon. Enjoy.

Dear EDSBS: What are the chances Auburn will get Kodi Burns up to speed in a year in the new “spread eagle” offense?

Orson: Very good, as they’ve already had the offense in place since the bowl game, where it looked creaky, half-assed, and pretty much as one might expect an offense installed just before a bowl game would look. Fortunately for Auburn, creaky and half-assed offense in spread formations represented a refreshing change from the moldy West Coast formations Auburn sputtered out of all season long.

The operative words for this spring: repetitive motion injuries. Or the possibility thereof, at least: new offensive coordinator and Hal Mumme acolyte Tony Franklin’s attack passed 517 times in 2007 at Troy and ran 462 times, averaged 81 plays a game, and will take their espresso topped with crystal meth-infused whipped cream, please. They’re throwing zillions of passes in practice, as opposed to the fifteen soft tosses a game required by the Borges offense. (Brandon Cox: “I got that, brah. No worries.”)

In short, um: short passes, concept football, and a good smattering of freedom to run for the quarterback. In goal line situations, you’ll even see a variation of the Tebow Smash play with Burns, who is a better runner than Omar Haugabrook was for Franklin at Troy. All in all, it sounds like a fine idea after the offensive Sargasso Auburn’s slogged through for the past two years, though Tuberville could have saved the school some coin in the hire: for only $3,000, you too can have THE TONY FRANKLIN SYSTEM!!!111

KOMODO DRAGON: KHHHHRRGGGKDSSSSS worked out the last time they broke in a new OC GHGHRRGGKKKKSSWSSS!!! HRRGKKSSSSKSKSDFHDJSKK!!!!

Dear guest columnist: What are some realistic expectations for Bo Pelini in year one at Nebraska?

Orson: Let’s just go ahead and say that last year, each Nebraska defender wore a wrist band with five options on each play, all terms exclusive to what we’ll call the KEVIN COSGROVE SYSTEM of football defense. (more…)

Apologies, podnas. Swindle and PB’s travel schedules have made radio-showing a mite impossible this evening. They’ve got the new NowLive platform firmly under their rugged thumbs, though, so fear not—the blatantly irresponsible offseason speculation will return. In the meantime, we offer Cooking With Coolio. See y’all tomorrow.

Pay attention. This is very serious.

My friends and fellow Americans,

We come here today to transcend the awards of old and move to that shining city on the hill we all want to live in: the College Football Blog Awards 2008, where no good blog goes unrecognized, where we all feel the prosperity of hundreds–yes, hundreds!–of dollars of Google AdSense income.

The CFBA would like to thank you for submitting nominations for this years awards. No one person reads them all, and it takes a village to bring this effort along. We would also like to thank Joel, our fearless leader, who brought the whole endeavor together as only he could. He deserves your applause for his fine work, coding, list-keeping, and his amazing ability to help those who have difficulty keeping their pants on straight put on an award process despite the issues with the pants, and the straightness thereof. Kudos and applause.

The Cabal met via chat and, after the hard deliberation and decisions that deciders have to make, a final list of nominees emerged. Cabal members used reader nominations and pared down from there as objectively as they could. Human weakness did emerge: the topic of Stewart Mandel incited some passions, as did Orson’s opinion of one blogger he would, on meeting in person, punch in the uterus. (No, it’s not who you think it is, and no, it’s not a woman, but a feminizing joke.)

Any time nomination posts mentioned or the gizmo spat out one of our own names, we either abstained or argued against ourselves and in favor of someone else. Committee members also attempted to balance bringing the true, echt best of the 2007 to the forefront while also highlighting new but lesser-known blogs.

So in short: while all nominations were considered, not all nominations were included in the end, because there’s no way to include every nominee.

Oh, and while not eliminating anyone, open campaigning for votes by bloggers was considered “in poor taste” by the Cabal, and “aggressively whorish” by Orson. Please refrain from it in gentlemanly fashion, twiddle your handlebar mustache with style, and join us at the bar for a Pimm’s Cup and some strawberries with creme fraiche while we wait for center court to open up for a match, will you? Right-o.

The schedule:

Nominations announced today, beginning at EDSBS at 10:00, then at MGoBlog at 11:00, Dawg Sports at 12:00, Burnt Orange Nation at 1:00, and Rocky Top Talk at 2:00. All times EST. After that, come back to EDSBS for voting instructions.

Reminder! Last year’s winner in any particular category is ineligible to win that category this year, with the exception of awards for individual posts (as opposed to entire blogs), so hold your criticism on that. Send all other complaints to myscrotumismadeoffruitrollupsbiteitandsee@yahoo.com.

Okay, so send in the clowns.

Orson:

Head over to MGoBlog at 11:00-ish EST for the official nominees for Best National Blog, People’s Champ Award, Funniest Blog, and Best YouTube.

Hard dudes. Quick deaths. Few words.

First person plural: off. Blame this on cold medicine.

I should mention that my Dad is the oddest person I’ve ever met. He is and has always been a quantum person: blip! he’s here, joking, laughing, fully engaged and charismatic in the way men who claim membership in the “Smiling Irish Bastard Hall of Fame” can be. (I have next to no idea where my family actually hails from, it’s just the phrase and the similarity that matter most here, not the documented truth.)

Then, in a minute–blip! Gone. He still stands in front of you, or next to you, but in an instant his mind has gone somewhere completely alien and unreachable to you. Someone once wrote of Dean Martin that he must be either the deepest soul on the planet, so elusive was he, or that he was the shallowest. I’m never really sure of either, but the two do share an ethos of being phenomenally elusive people as hard to hit square on as Linnie Patrick coming through the hole. Years can pass without any real, substantive information being exchanged in conversation, and I have, on occasion, written down what I know about my dad using notebook pad. I don’t get past the second page. There is not enough information to fill the pages, thus saving the world from the 3,923,918th anguished daddy-issues bildungsroman.

(You all owe him a note of thanks. I forward them on for you happily.)

Linnie Patrick is a deliberate reference here: Linnie played for Alabama and was quicksilver in cleats when Bear Bryant coached at the University of Alabama. My father met Bryant once–possibly more, but again, information here is scarce–through the equally vaguely defined relationship my grandfather claimed with Bryant. All I know is my grandfather, a horse-trainer who shuttled around the country from track to track, knew Bryant in some degree and had enough of a connection to wangle a visit and (apocryphally) a scholarship offer for my aunt. I’d love to elaborate, but I can’t. That is all I know, leading to the endless stream of qualifiers, parentheses, and limiting modifiers. I don’t know much, and like 99.9 percent of history, it has evaporated into an oblivion of forgetting, half-memory, or denial.
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Addictions are funny if you really think about it. It’s been my experience that people get addicted to things they’re really bad at. This is where I come in. Today, I’m going to help the gambling degenerates out there. I don’t want you to stop. I don’t want to make you a better person. I just want you to be a better gambler. This is for the college kid who maxed out his first Capital One card (awwww…..), the guy who lives in his Chevy Malibu but has to stay on the move so the repo man doesn’t take it, and for the n00bs who always wanted to gamble but didn’t know how. There’s something for everyone. It’s so simple, you’ll love it!

Illinois @ Ohio State (-15)

This is the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Illinois has the nation’s 6th best rush offense and tOSU has the nation’s top defense. That might look like a lot of points, but it’s not. You’ve got the Zooker, in Columbus, with Juice Williams at the helm against the #1 team in the country. Now that the Buckeyes have the offense rolling, this is a lock. This is a low risk way to wet your appetite and make you feel like a gangster. I’m giving it a “throw you up against the wall in an alley next to a dumpster” rating - this game’s for everyone, even the kids. Put a dime on the Buckeyes, collect your cash, and you’re gamblin’! It’s so simple.

Alabama @ Mississippi State (+5)

Saban will not be Croomed. I know, Mississippi State is nearly bowl eligible, but take a hard look at them and they’re a picture mediocrity - offense, defense, special teams, and coaching. Gambling is about numbers and the (mildly) important number on this game is 21 — it’s (not even close to) the most points the Bulldogs have scored all season and it’s the least amount of points the Tide have scored. In just his first year, ‘Lil Napolean is already working his dark magic on the Tide. This is a “bat to the knee” game. It’s ugly but you can recover from it. Put half your weekly salary on ‘Bama to cover.

Florida @ South Carolina (+6.5)

What good is genius if you can’t help others understand it? Steve Spurrier is arguably the best offensive mind in college sports but he appears to have come to a point in his life when he’s completely unable to communicate his vision to his players. If you’ve watched the ‘Cocks you know what I’m talking about. A play isn’t brilliant when it’s drawn up; it’s brilliant when it’s been executed on the field. I haven’t seen any brilliance out of South Carolina for weeks. They won early this season playing good defense and scoring however many points they needed to win. All of that appears to be lost now. This team is a fucking mess and the Gators are not the team you want to see at a time like this. If USC can’t figure out that you have to put 10 guys in the box to stop Arkansas, how are they going to stop Tebow? You might think Tebow is out of the Heisman race, after this game, you would be wrong. I’d rate this a solid “two-thumber”. You might get your thumbs broken, but if you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks. Do you want to be a gambler or not? Find the seediest bar you can, ask for a bookie, and put your girlfriend/life partner/roommate’s coffee can cash on Florida.

Auburn @ Georgia (-2)

This talk of Tubs going to A&M will fall on dear ears. Auburn is well aware of what happened last season when Brandon Cox threw 4 pics and they got hammered by Georgia. That’s not going to happen again. Georgia’s running game has looked great the last few weeks when Mark Richt remembered that 1 back is better than 3. Sadly, he’s facing the meanest motherfucking defensive line in all of the land on Saturday. Auburn is a bad match up for the Georgia so be prepared for a piss poor effort from the Dogs between the hedges this week. If you like to watch pretty girls cry, tune in to Athens around mid-point in the 4th quarter where there will be more ugly beautiful than you can imagine. Put a month’s bar tab on Dumbo to beat the Dogs outright. [no catchy rating for this game, apparently.—ed.]

Arkansas @ Tennessee

This game is not for the faint of heart. If you think you know what’s going to happen here, you’d be lying to yourself. These teams are both so inconsistent that it makes their fans physically ill to watch them. With Arkansas, you’ve got the jaw-dropping talent of Darren McFadden who may just win the Heisman based on his 321 yard output last week against South Carolina. Additionally, the Razorbacks have Felix Jones who’s also run for 1,000 yards, on exactly half the carries of McFadden. They may be the best tandem I’ve ever seen… and their team is 2-3 in the conference. This is the story of Houston Nutt. On the other side of the ball you’ve got Philip Fulmer and his band of merry men, who look alternately awesome [see: Georgia game], terrible [see: Florida game], and disinterested [see: Mississippi State game]. If you’re picking this game, you’re not taking the team to win, so much as you’re taking Neyland to be the difference here. Take Tennessee, but before you do, look at the next game, because we’re going with a parlay here.

Arizona State @ UCLA (+7)

Don’t ever bet on a Pac-10 game. Just don’t do it. It will only end in tears and shattered extremities. This is particularly true when you’re talking about a game featuring Karl Dorrell. He’s like an abusive father to Bruins Nation. Beat BYU! Get crushed by Utah. Then in an attempt to get back their love, he treated them to wins over Washington and Oregon State! Then he slipped and broke their heart by losing to Notre Dame. Such is the psychology of the abusive relationship. He then “bought Bruins Nation a new bike” by beating Cal and quickly backed over it in the driveway by losing to Washington State. They cried and he slapped them around for  it by losing to Arizona. UCLA’s remaining 3 games are against ASU, Oregon, and USC. I can promise you he will win one of them, in a last ditch effort to make them love him again… but not this week. The Sun Devils lost for the first time last week in a spirited tussle in Eugene but I think you go with them to cover the 7. This isn’t so much a vote of confidence to Dennis Erickson as it is a vote against Karl Dorrell. Now, here’s the fun part! Take whatever you can afford to lose, double it, and put it on Arizona State and Tennessee to win in a 2 team parlay. This is also cool, because just as the Pac-10 game starts, the SEC game will be ending. For 6 straight hours your heart will be racing. Nutt! Dorrell! Fulmer! Erickson! It will be like the longest game of Russian Roulette ever. Enjoy!

Guest editor Hannibal Montegna and Orson go through the buys and sells of the week.

HANNIBAL’S BUYS

You? You’re losing to Kentucky. Believe it, because it’s happening.

Kentucky. Almost a courtesy for doubting the Wildcats throughout the summer, into the preseason, through their two patsy wins, after their conquest of Louisville, up until Arkansas roughed the kicker Saturday night. Then I knew: UK, like all teams whose kickers are contacted illegally in a crucial situation, was destined for victory in Fayetteville.

Naturally, I doubt again after this week’s game with Florida Atlantic – first place in the Sun Belt! –with the trifecta of South Carolina, LSU and Florida on deck. Until then, though, fine: Andre Woodson is a myth, a machine, a man among men, a monocled minotaur maniacally marauding secondaries and sorority houses across the South. Admonishment nor chains will keep
your women from his musk. For now.

Michigan. It’s just a re-branding of Mike Hart, a healthy Brandon Graham and a couple conservative opposing offenses, but I’m buying, if for no other reasons than a) Mike Hart is so, so money, b) the Wolverines are still relatively cheap and c) the next six games are against Northwestern, Eastern Michigan, Purdue, Illinois, Minnesota and Michigan State.

Ohio State. For narrative purposes, it’s best to set up the traditional, climactic clashing of red and blue light sabres for the Big Ten title as early as possible. With Todd Boeckman looking exceedingly competent, the Buckeyes are the conference’s sweater-vested Vader (again) until further notice.

Orson’s Buys:

Oregon: A frightening indicator for LSU fans should be Dennis Dixon’s eye-popping performance for Oregon this year as the one qb to rule them all after Gary Crowton’s departure: four games, 932 yards passing with 11 tds and no picks, 432 yards rushing and four tds on the ground–including the Bip Kiplinger’s Backyard Football Play For Freedom-Loving American Youth Everywhere of the Year thus far:

Crowton over-tinkered with the offense during his Oregon tenure to Dixon’s benefit: unfettered by genius playcalling, Dixon’s thrived in Chip Kelly’s new system. (more…)

Witness a rout, and you will never forget it. It sears itself into the memory like walking in on your parents having sex, or seeing your dog hit by a car, or walking in on your parents having sex with your dog before all three are crushed by an 18-wheeler careening through the wall of the bedroom. (The last in that series only comes close to describing the 1996 Fiesta Bowl.)

Burnt Orange Nation reminds us to never forget these moments by commemorating the anniversary of “Rout 66,” the 66-3 taxidermy of the Mackovic-era Texas Longhorns by the UCLA Bruins in Austin. Texas committed eight turnovers that day in losing what might be the greatest beatdown ever between two major, respectable D-1 programs ever. It also induced instant allergic reactions to Skip Hicks’ name from Texas fans, showing that one man’s laughable NFL flop is another’s anthrax.

Now in jumboretropixelvision!

The game also should mark the hazard of prognostication from a single data point. (more…)

I’ve known señor Swindle since around 1992. I like the guy. Really, I do. But sometimes he needs a little tweaking now and again. On that score, we bring you Orson’s least favorite cheesecake option of all time to celebrate the end of the offseason when we desperately need the weekly distractions. Without further ado, EDSBS’s Friday Cheesecake is the distinctly non-latin, silicon-filled, college football lovin’, Bobby Bowden worshiping Jen Sterger.

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EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the earthquake edition. Screw you, uncertainty. We’re pegging the improbable in this edition, predicting college football’s earthquakes months ahead of time.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Earthquake Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. We’d love to talk to you, but remember to brace yourself under the nearest doorjamb before doing so.

Who: Hopefully, technology holding, we’ll talk to you and listener Kleph, who was in Peru for the 7.7 earthquake this week.

How excited are we? Star Blazers excited, motherfuckers. We’re leaving Mother Earth to save the human race.

Four Questions:

1. Pick this year’s earthquake in your neck of the woods. For us possum-eatin’ folks in the SEC, it’ll be Vanderbilt beating Tennessee, Florida, or Georgia. We’re busy praying to gods we don’t even believe in that it’s not Florida.

2. Pick the national earthquake. Whenever USC loses their first game.

3. Name the player out of nowhere who you’d like to see ascend from relative obscurity to greatness in a single stroke of genius. Jehuu Caulcrick, Michigan State running back who survived the war in Liberia and is now a running back for the Spartans. Anyone who survived Liberia and escaped a decent, sane person gets our vote.

4. What’s the most unpredictable thing that ever happened to you? Besides a 6.2 earthquake hitting while we were in a crowded Asian city? Someone dropped a cinderblock on our car from an overpass in Tampa at two in the morning, missing the windshield by two inches or so. If we hadn’t been speeding, we’d have met the cinderblock traveling at eighty miles an hour teeth-first. Viva Tampa!

We crossed the 5 million mark in visitors today. Much thanks to all. In honor of the event, of course: shitty photoshop.

Thanks to all for stopping by. We love every last single one of you.