Monday’s profile of Alabama athletic director Mal Moore listed online roleplaying games among his many hobbies and described him as a “tenth level Elf-Dragon”. Mr. Moore is actually an extremely accomplished paladin, and there is also no such thing as an Elf-Dragon. We regret the error.

Roll Tide!

On Tuesday, we reported that the University of Tennessee had, following the firing of Johnny Majors, considered attempting to hire Florida coach Steve Spurrier to replace the longtime Vol coach. This was inaccurate; Tennessee made no such attempt, a point clarified to us at great length in a phone call from Tennessee officials earlier this week. The candidate Tennessee wanted most to replace Johnny Majors was not Spurrier, but rather country music legend David Allen Coe. We regret the error.

Monday’s continuing series on the struggle to rebuild Columbus following last year’s Ohio State-Michigan victory celebrations misidentified an image as a neighborhood just south of campus. The photo in question is actually of a Beirut bomb crater. We regret the error.

O-H!

Monday’s “Where Are They Now?” segment featured a collection of inaccuracies we would like to address here. Purdue is located in West Lafayette, Indiana, not Louisiana. The Heisman Trophy was, until 2001, awarded annually not at Radio City Music Hall, but at the Downtown Athletic Club. And finally, Eric Crouch played at Nebraska, not at Iowa State, and at no point in his adult life fought a crippling addiction to drinking window cleaner he consumed to quiet the voices of relentless murder in his head. We regret the error.

He does, however, have unusually silky dark brown hair and particularly delicate, almost feminine eyelashes his female friends just can’t stop gushing over. His secret pride in this forces him to question his understanding of his own masculinity.

The Tuesday Grid-Iron Crossword had an ambiguous clue under “14 letter word for former coach at Texas A&M and Mississippi State.” Both the words “Jackie Sherrill” and “Piglickingcheat” fit the slot in the puzzle, causing some consternation among our readers, especially as “piglickingcheat” contains more letters than “Jackie Sherrill.” We regret the error, and clearly have no place assembling crossword puzzles in the first place.

A Wednesday evening news flash reported that former Kentucky coach Hal Mumme was among a band of notorious pirates captured by peacekeeping troops in April off the coast of Mozambique. Mr. Mumme has since been located, and apparently serves as the head football coach at “New Mexico State University”. We regret the error.

The lead story “Sean McDonough: Announcer at Large” on Monday inaccurately described McDonough as being “three apples high.” This refers to the apocryphal height of smurfs, not McDonough. The announcer himself is easily five apples high, and will kick a fucking Smurf in the teeth without hesitation, especially if shirtless white-pant wearing punk suckas walk up on him and take him seven-on-one again like they did after the Continental Tire Bowl BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF PUNK SHIT YOU FRENCH SURRENDER MIDGETS PULL, DON’T YOU SMURFS? WHAT? HUH? YEAH! GARGAMEL AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS! BRANG YO BEST, LAWYA!

We regret the error.

Our lead post on Thursday stated that an EDSBS staffer was critically injured after being lured into an open rain gutter with promises of a shiny balloon. The report further named the assailant as Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt. The perpetrator has since been correctly identified as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. The Turtle cannot help us, and we regret the error.

A young recruit walks off the field from spring practice somewhere in the Sun Belt. Two men in black approach him.

Come with me, young man.

Man in black one: Son, please come with us. Coach Nick Saban of the Crimson Tide would like to not have a word with you, virtually speaking.

Man in black two: It will only not take fifteen minutes or so.

Recruit: Um, he can’t leave, right? That’s in the new rules. He’s not…

Fear creeps into his voice. He looks left, right, waiting for an unseen eavesdropper who never appears.

RECRUIT: He’s not…here, is he?

MIB1: Not in one way of speaking.

MIB2: And yes, in another way of speaking.

MIB1: He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. Remember this. (more…)

In light of recent events, we proudly present our line of Colorado-themed student section wear. In the case of The Majestic Buffalo vs. Man, there can be no neutrality. Who ya got?

(more…)

The fun at Pitt we alluded to yesterday begins to emerge piece-by-piece. In fact, the facts are so sketchy at this point that the fact-ish types at The Pitt News can’t even confirm that Sherod Murdock, a redshirt freshman safety suspended from the football team indefinitely yesterday, was the player involved in the “incident.” Fortunately, we are strictly about “truthiness,” and one of our crack sources reports that the incident went something like this:

Murdock gets into a hellacious fight at the Delta Tau Delta frat house: him, some of the o-line versus frat guys. This goes as well as could be expected. We like to imagine it looked a lot like this, except with Mario wearing shower sandals and carrying a Coors Light in hand. (Pitt? Okay, an Imp ‘n Arn.)

Die, motherfucker, die!

So, primitive strength display concluded and Smash Brothers brawl concluded (frat boys kicked into bottomless pits everywhere yay!,) Murdock returns to dorms with gallons of surplus testosterone surging through his system, and decides that all should hear of his exploits, his intention to kill anyone who crosses his path, and demonstrate it in a clear fashion that everyone here could easily understand. From our source:

Murdock (Yoshi—ed.) was running through the halls wearing only his boxers wielding a three-foot machete screaming “I’ll kill all you motherfuckers”. He had blood all over his face and hands from the earlier fight at the Delta Tau Delta fraternity house. The Wannstache was woken up from his home and brought to the scene to talk the player down before they had to send in SWAT, which they did.

That is a pissed off shirtless turtle/dinosaur there. Maybe Pitt stands a chance in the Big East this year after all, if Murdoch’s this fired up after a simple frat fight. (And really, how much more opposition will Syracuse offer than Delta Tau Delta?) And even if the three-foot machete turns out to be a merely normal knife as it did in the case of Penn State’s Chris Bell, the question remains: just how distorted a picture of their own security do athletes have? You’re already one and a half times the size of most people around you and easily twice as strong in most cases. You live on heavily patrolled campuses, and usually travel in groups.

Do you somehow still feel threatened, campus athlete? If so, we have a bazooka with a bayonet and taser attachment we’d be happy to help you. It’s the balls.

Points to be awarded as soon charges of any sort are pressed. We would like you to know that we’re typing this covered in blood and wearing boxers, but only because we’re in the mood for love, not because we want to kill all you motherfuckers.

Don’t borrow, steal: an offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch we’ll be happy to do the pinching. We present a running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. Today’s episode deals with fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes, mind you, not black people and this guy. Worth noting, especially since there are no black people in Iowa.

Stuff Black and Gold People Like

Fried anything. Holy shit do we like frying things. It’s not that only Iowans fry everything, but Iowans only fry everything. Go to the Iowa State Fair, but do so only at your own risk and with polarized lenses on your sunglasses; direct eye contact with too many fried confections will clog your arteries with Oreo paste.

Not meth. Sorry, Orson, but that’s something that Red and Yellow people enjoy far more than Hawkeye fans, along with other mind-numbing substances like Oxycontin and Rep. Steve King (R-IA). On the other hand…

Hawkeye Vodka. This brand exists, it’s about $11 for a handle, and it’s every bit as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. Only the saddest, most pickled citizens can stomach shots of the Hawkeye, and consuming large portions in mixed drinks leads to complete loss of pants, motor control, and stomach contents, in that order, and in the span of about 15 minutes. It’s a great way to spend a weekend, even if you only remember the world-altering hangover. Actually, it’s unfair to Iowans to restrict us to Hawkeye. Let’s broaden this out a bit:

All alcohol. Go to a Hawkeye tailgate sometime. It’s similar to SEC tailgates in terms of volume (both sound and attendance), but there’s a marked difference: SEC tailgaters cook. They socialize. They have fun. We stand around in 40 degree weather silently forcing Natty Ice down our throats and thinking to ourselves, “there’s more dew than usual.” This is a necessary result of having all our football games start at 11 a.m. Eventually, after 7 hangover-delaying Keystones, some asshole turns on his car and puts in his tailgate CD, which by default has…
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We’re off to Vegas to cover the first weekend of the tournament for The Sporting News, and it promises to be Con Air awesome, minus the Nicholas Cage Skynrd locks. Follow our descent into madness–and really, the aim is to destroy this gig and never, ever let anyone come close to our rapid mad post rate ever again–one of several ways.

The Sporting Blog. Not only does it have our interview with Ric Flair, but it will have our posts on what Vegas during the first weekend of March Madness looks, feels, smells, and feels like, including the part where we wind up drinking $2000/bottle cognac from goatskins with the sheikhs of Dubai at a live man versus panther death match in the hills of Nevada.

Step One, this. Step Two, fire up laptop. Step three: MASSIVE PROFITS.

Flickr. I’ll be posting photos live from the fracas, as well, so keep up by following here.

Twitter. For those too ADDled to even get through this blog post, we’ll be posting on the EDSBS Twitter feed muy rapido all day and most of the night.

Your guest host will be Oops Pow Surprise from Black Heart, Gold Pants , a demented gent who promises to not only provide the Curious Index, but an installment of “Things Black and Gold People Like,” the latest in our series of fan profiles. We will usurp the Iowa jokes by saying the only one we know for sure: meth.

Godspeed. And wish the same to us. If we fail to come back from this mission, know that we went to bat country happily.

In our discussion of important offseason questions, we have a special guest today: Tulip, the Komodo Dragon. Enjoy.

Dear EDSBS: What are the chances Auburn will get Kodi Burns up to speed in a year in the new “spread eagle” offense?

Orson: Very good, as they’ve already had the offense in place since the bowl game, where it looked creaky, half-assed, and pretty much as one might expect an offense installed just before a bowl game would look. Fortunately for Auburn, creaky and half-assed offense in spread formations represented a refreshing change from the moldy West Coast formations Auburn sputtered out of all season long.

The operative words for this spring: repetitive motion injuries. Or the possibility thereof, at least: new offensive coordinator and Hal Mumme acolyte Tony Franklin’s attack passed 517 times in 2007 at Troy and ran 462 times, averaged 81 plays a game, and will take their espresso topped with crystal meth-infused whipped cream, please. They’re throwing zillions of passes in practice, as opposed to the fifteen soft tosses a game required by the Borges offense. (Brandon Cox: “I got that, brah. No worries.”)

In short, um: short passes, concept football, and a good smattering of freedom to run for the quarterback. In goal line situations, you’ll even see a variation of the Tebow Smash play with Burns, who is a better runner than Omar Haugabrook was for Franklin at Troy. All in all, it sounds like a fine idea after the offensive Sargasso Auburn’s slogged through for the past two years, though Tuberville could have saved the school some coin in the hire: for only $3,000, you too can have THE TONY FRANKLIN SYSTEM!!!111

KOMODO DRAGON: KHHHHRRGGGKDSSSSS worked out the last time they broke in a new OC GHGHRRGGKKKKSSWSSS!!! HRRGKKSSSSKSKSDFHDJSKK!!!!

Dear guest columnist: What are some realistic expectations for Bo Pelini in year one at Nebraska?

Orson: Let’s just go ahead and say that last year, each Nebraska defender wore a wrist band with five options on each play, all terms exclusive to what we’ll call the KEVIN COSGROVE SYSTEM of football defense. (more…)

The debate over replacing the retiring Reveille VII (that prounounced “vaiiiii”) at Texas A&M has gotten quite spirited for a place priding itself on military traditions like order and swift decision-making. To wit:

“I think Reveille VIII should be an American collie because it’s tradition, and isn’t that what A&M’s all about?” freshman general studies major Emily Hudson said.

“Reveille should be a mutt. [Collies] are really spastic and hard to train. And mutts, since they have a mixture of all different genes, they tend to be a lot smarter,” junior marketing major Kelley Baxter said.

Yeah, that’s right. Listen to the person who’s actually declared a major, Texas A&M, and back up because we ’bout to drop some policy:

EDSBS Policy: Texas A&M, you should get a mutt. First, it sets an exemplary standard for your community and for the rest of the world as a whole if you adopt a stray dog–just like the first Reveille–and take it back to campus to become the new, freshly dewormed mascot of your school. It would be timely, too, since stray dogs are the third-greatest threat to Americans in their homes, topped only by our natural enemy the sun and, of course, Kimbo Slice.

All they want is love, your garbage, and a soft place to lay down. Oh, and occasionally a child stolen from the neighbors’ yard to play with, but isn’t that what the road trip to Austin every other year is for? Exactly. Our bluetooth devices are communicating smoothly and processing nicely here.

Slow down your heart rate, man. He’s getting angry!

Second, do not just get any mutt that comes along. No, Aggies, you must select a hoodtastic mix of some of nature’s gnarliest dog breeds all force-humped into a single physical vessel through a genetic lineage so convoluted Mormon polygamists would weep at its complexities. Chow, pit bull, Rottweilers, Cane Corsos, Doberman Pinschers, Anatolian Shephereds, German Pit Chows, Dogo de Argentinas, Brazilian Mastiffs, the rare but powerful Scythian Rape Terrier…all of them need to be present in one form or another here. The final product should look something like Cerebrus, the three headed dog guarding the gates of hell, but only after the bad ass middle head decided it was tired of all the other heads’ yapping and ate them in a 35 second display of horrifying, impressive ferocity.

Take care to raise it with humans and socialize it early and often. And never, ever, leave it with fewer than three people at once, and try to keep it away from flashing lights and loud yells. For football games, sedate with 200 mg Seconal, or whatever amount will get it to a manageable level of fury. It all sounds like trouble, but if you want the Hound of the Baskervilles as envisioned by a Russian bioweapons lab, then you pay the price, amigos.

Oh, and if the Brazos Animal Shelter doesn’t have one of those lying around, you might consider contacting a Russian bioweapons lab. Those people do great work. For an example, just look at Terrence Cody. He cost Saban a pretty pony (no typo–Saban has to feed him one each day), but 900 pound defensive tackles don’t grow all by themselves.

By Holly, who reminds you that when the zombie war comes, machetes do NOT need reloading.

Their names were shouted in exultation or bellowed in impotent rage across the SEC in 2007. You know their stats by heart, lived and died with their triumphs and tears. But in this age of bioweapons and nuclear experiments gone horribly awry, there are more important matters to ponder; namely, how each of these college football notables will aid your survival when the wrong red button is pressed and the zombie hordes rise to enslave us all. You’ll need the best of the best (SEC speed = fast zombies). The essential personnel:

Rich Brooks thinks the undead hordes are bullshit. This will not save him.

The Buffoon Who Got You Into This Mess: Michael Henig, QB, Mississippi State
How He’ll Save The Day: When jumping from rooftop to rooftop to reach the river/gun store/barricades, will carry the season to its logical conclusion by mistiming the flinging of his own form and being intercepted, so to speak, by a less than sturdy awning. As he is tugged with agonizing slowness from the canvas, the undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.

The Decoy: Blake Mitchell, QB, South Carolina
How He’ll Save The Day: Will be assigned as lookout while the rest of the party stocks up on ammunition/canned goods/fuel, and upon seeing an approaching zombie attack party, will inexplicably fancy himself a hero and run outside, waving his arms and capering about to distract them long enough for our heroes to lock and load and hop into an appropriately sized truck. The undead hordes are not amused by dancing, and will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.

The Cloyingly Self-Effacing Hero: Erik Ainge, QB, Tennessee
How He’ll Save The Day: Sneaking past the gibbering masses in the dead of night, will slip on a discarded shotgun shell and break both legs in the fall. Will implacably insist on not being carried because He’ll Only Slow You Down, and will accept no comfort—but does gather all remaining grenades. After the explosion, the hordes will fall upon his flesh and the flesh of their shredded comrades, allowing you to escape.

The Hothead: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
How He’ll Save The Day: With tears in his eyes and an unearthly battle howl in his throat, by completely losing his shit and barreling into the penultimate wave of zombies at full force, ripping and tearing their limbs with his bare hands. A valiant effort, but the thing about zombies is there’s always Just Too Many. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.

The Shrewish Love Interest: Colt David, K, LSU
How He’ll Save The Day: After spending the entire ordeal displaying gradually more obvious signs of crumbling and generally slowing everyone down, will drop to his knees shortly into the sprint over open ground to safety, wailing that It’s Hopeless and We’ll Never Make It. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.

The Cheap Shot You Don’t See Coming: Kyle Jackson, S, Florida
How He’ll Save The Day: As you stagger over the final hill between your sleepy little borough and the haven of the convenient nearby military base/open sea/arms of Orgeron, will burst inexplicably into flames and fall in a shrieking, ineffectual heap at the crest of the ridge. Cold and raw or sizzling in the skull—brains is brains is brains to a zombie. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape. Fade to black.

T-Tubb, if he can get his boys to aim those chop blocks at the neck, might stand a chance.

While the iron was still lukewarm, we elected to award our own college football Oscars, enlisting Holly for the local assist from a Hollywood type. Sadly, not even Dan Hawkins’ bowl cut could challenge the haircut of Anton Chigurh, but there’s much to laud and statuettes to hand out.

Holly’s Picks, Ensured by Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bobby Petrino, in “Trust Me.”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Trooper Taylor, in “Baby Come Back.”

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jimmy Clausen’s turn as a frail starlet in “Ouchtown, Population: You, Brah” has critics calling him the next Nicole Kidman.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Britton Colquitt, in “Among the Injured Were…”

Best animated film of the year
Eric Berry’s “The Waterbug”

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Country lovin’ is fierce lovin’; hence the fierce emotions governing such things as NASCAR, loyalty to American car brands, and other things you can get the pitchfork and torch crowd riled up about. If you wonder what we mean by that: the people in the village who show up to kill Frankenstein with torches and pitchforks? Those people, who were told by the sensible people to go chase the monster to some place called “America.” That’s the torch and pitchfork crowd, and the last time we were a card-carrying member came with the last few weeks of the [NAME REDACTED] administration, when would have happily carried the rail so long as it had one very, very enthusiastic and energetic B-grade coach on it promising improvement the whole time.

Grrrr! Ahhhh!

West Virginia police are investigating death threats by the P ‘n T Krue (”Monster!”) against Rich Rodriguez.

According to the report by columnist Mitch Vingle, Monongalia County, W.Va., Sheriff Joseph C. Bartolo said his office is indeed investigating the situation.

Bartolo called the forwarded information “very vague” but said Lt. Walter Fumich would head an investigation.

Oh, Lord/Jebus/Cthulu/Buddha/Charles Bronson, please don’t let this lead back to a message board. Please, please, please not. Because what fan hasn’t, at one point threatened to drop a safe on a particular coach? An open safe filled with irradiated scorpions, each given their own tiny little scorpion handgun? We mean, come on. Who hasn’t made that exact threat on a Gator message board…sometime in the past….say, right around 2004 or so…

The Cincinnati Bearcats enter the Fulmer Cup by answering a question as old as the internet itself: can you break a bottle over someone’s head? And as the internet told us, lo so many years ago as we watched a flickery, jerky image over a dial-up line in a dorm, yes, Virginia, you can break a bottle over someone’s head. In fact, you can do it yourself, Johnny Methbelt.

We’ve used that video before, but it’s timeless, really. The bit where someone points and says, “Now that’s some redneck right there” should be recorded and placed in the Smithsonian. History needs not to forget accomplishments like that. Canfield’s incident remains mired in mystery, but let’s hope it was as colorful as the autobottling scene above.

UC offensive lineman Trevor Canfield, from Western Hills High School, was charged with felonious assault.

Canfield is accused of hitting Erik Monsen in the head with a glass bottle. UC coach Brian Kelly has suspended Canfield pending completion of the legal process and will have no further comment.

We’ve heard that Monsen, the bottle-ee, is the roommate of Canfield, and that Canfield did this not in the club, but in his room during an argument with his roommate after a night of festivity. If true, he might get the Dwayne Schintzius Award for Outstanding Roomie of the Year. 1990 Florida basketball reference what!

We review our email over at the Sporting News and discover that having a Spencer Hall attitude is not a good thing, especially when you tangle with the media monster that is Shreveport, Louisiana. We beg to differ, especially since we’re not voting for Hillary, but supporting our usual candidate for every public office: Big Red.

Bloodbath does not describe it: this year 12 coaches have been canned in all, leaving behind a trail of tears, moving vans, and discarded coffee makers and dry-erase boards unseen since the great de-coachening of 2002.

It brought to mind one scene and on scene only: a vision of violence and force so appalling it almost earned the now-retired X rating, a demonstration of primitive, pre-CGI prosthetic and blood hydraulics so obviously fake and awesome it set the bar for an entire generation of young gorehounds…a depiction of oiled Austrian rage bent on saving the only thing that really mattered to America, Alyssa Milano…yet another example that the only qualification for being a movie henchman is to shoot wildly from the hip and possess zero ability to react to your situation…

Yes, we’re thinking of the shed scene from Commando, the most awesome of awesome scenes from a movie packed to the gills with steroidal excellence. And right now, the demands of war-painted fanbases are speaking with ze thickest of akk-scents und doing ze keeehling, mah freund.

Standing ovation to LSUFreek, who put this together at our behest. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to you, sir.

Two months in the can, one to go, folks, before 2007 is a misremembered, revisionist fog. Get every bit you can while you can. That is an order (Nevada-New Mexico State optional):

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.