Think of the most time consuming task you do for your job each week. Now multiply it times ten and imagine you don’t get paid for it and you’ll have some idea of what Joel goes through each week with his Animated Blog Poll.

So do him a favor and pay the man by clicking through to check out this week’s poll. No chainsaws this week, but there’s a delightful “I got that wood!” cameo.

Go on, now.

Notes and admissions of naked, inept error follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	1
2	Oregon	1
3	Oklahoma	2
4	Kansas	—
5	West Virginia	2
6	Missouri	—
7	Ohio State	6
8	Arizona State	1
9	Georgia	2
10	Virginia Tech	3
11	Texas	4
12	Southern Cal	—
13	Clemson	5
14	Florida	5
15	Illinois	11
16	Virginia	—
17	Boise State	4
18	Tennessee	8
19	Boston College	9
20	Cincinnati	6
21	Kentucky	5
22	Wisconsin	4
23	Connecticut	15
24	South Florida	—
25	Brigham Young	1

As usual, the readers are far smarter than we are. We claimed that Virginia Tech had won their game versus Chandoridicus Gailey the First while Clemson and Virginia had dropped their matchups. Untrue: Virginia won theirs 28-23, while Clemson did lose theirs. We blame the error on only ourselves and a futile attempt to intuit anything about college football from a win or loss to Georgia Tech. We bump down our irrational exuberance on Virginia substantially, while curbing our innate, undying SEC homerism by putting one-loss ASU over new-model villain-type UGA. Don’t forget that Tennessee shut them out for one half, as pointed out by commenters below, since Georgia eventually scored 14 points in that game. Corrected. That team’s still in there somewhere, Solja Boy or not.

Also: We bump Illinois. A stout run game, a good defense, and a well-managed, conservative play-action passing game will get you far in the Big Ten and elsewhere. Again, if they beat us in a bowl game, the site goes dark for a day with a picture of [NAME REDACTED] as the only content.

Arbitrary line call one: Oklahoma over Kansas. We’re David Hume-skeptical to the end on Kansas until they beat Missouri. Kansas right now feels like the Jason White-era Sooners teams: astonishing numbers, flashy play, and a sick feeling that they’ll cave in the last two games of the season under defensive pressure from a competent foe.

Arbitrary line call two: We’re not ranking Penn State because they’ve got three losses and are sluggish, uninteresting, and not keeping pace with the back of the pack in terms of trend. That’s why it’s just one ballot–because we could totally be wrong here, and are more than happy to admit it. However, they get no vote from us. There’s a moaning at the door here, hold on…JoePa! Why are you clutching at my scalp?…OHHHHH GOOOODDDDD NOOOOOOO!!!! (Num num num num num BRAAAAAINNNNS!!!)

With many clarifications thanks to reader input, as noted below.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	LSU	—
3	Oregon	—
4	Kansas	2
5	Oklahoma	—
6	Missouri	1
7	West Virginia	2
8	Connecticut	2
9	Arizona State	5
10	Boston College	2
11	Georgia	6
12	Southern Cal	14
13	Virginia Tech	7
14	Michigan	4
15	Texas	4
16	Virginia	7
17	Auburn	2
18	Clemson	5
19	Florida	7
20	Florida State	6
21	Boise State	5
22	Alabama	—
23	Penn State	3
24	South Florida	5
25	Arkansas	1

Examples of being taken to task properly:

The principal one from yesterday’s draft was the ranking of Penn State and Texas, pointed out innumerable times by readers. (Actually, that requires counting, something there’s obvious trouble with around here anyway.)

Seriously? How did Michigan drop a spot, while Penn State leapfrogs them from out of the top 25 to 17?

That’s just nonsense.–Bucktown Skins Fan.

You might want to rethink putting 7-3 Penn State over an 8-2 Michigan team that beat them earlier in the year.–Evan.

Fix it. Fix it now. For the love of god, fix it now.–Peter Pumpkinhead.

Pilloried is an overused word, but not in this case. Rightly done, too–the draft was a masterpiece of contradiction, illogic, and haste to rival Das Kapital for incoherence. It stands corrected now in all its beefy majesty. We’d add a Trogdor third arm to it, so beautiful is it.

Priority seating: We bow to our own obvious predjudices and put LSU at number two. Really, no other excuse remains considering Oregon and LSU are in many ways the same team: solid but not platinum OOC schedule, one very close loss to a conference team with three losses, a spread offense, and blitzing defensive schemes yielding largely good results across the board. If we have to go down the rabbit hole and pit the two teams together in the imagination, Oregon’s injuries at wideout probably put them a notch under LSU at this point. But that’s hypothetical valuation based on the injured list, not actual play, and that we do not like.

We’ll just plead SEC homer at this point, since that’s what someone will think anyway when we say one team is perhaps slightly less awesome than another awesome team.

Michigan is valued over Texas, and who the hell knows what to do with Clemson? Auburn re-enters on the shoulders of the BOOM! MOTHERFUCKER Tigerplainseagle defense.

Dropped: Cal, hilariously overvalued and losers of 3 of their last 4; Wake Forest, targets of market correction of our obvious mind-crush on Jim Grobe’s ability to make a degustation from the paltry ingredients at Wake; Penn State, because they bore us, Klytus; Hawaii, for playing no one; Purdue, for being Purdue and racking up a huge record on fluff before losing in-conference; and Brigham Young, because we’re black and have a thing for Mormon girls. Actually, because we ran out of room and really love Boise State running at full steam over them and a few other teams, too.

This week’s blogpoll draft, put up to get the obvious mistakes charred out of the hide of this beast before submission. Preparation: it’s the new procrastination!

Errors, early apologies, and questions below.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oregon	1
3	LSU	1
4	Kansas	2
5	Oklahoma	—
6	Missouri	1
7	Connecticut	3
8	West Virginia	1
9	Arizona State	5
10	Boston College	2
11	Georgia	6
12	Southern Cal	14
13	Virginia	10
14	Virginia Tech	6
15	Texas	4
16	Tennessee	—
17	Penn State	9
18	Florida State	8
19	Michigan	1
20	Florida	6
21	Clemson	8
22	South Florida	3
23	Boise State	3
24	Alabama	2
25	Arkansas	1

Errors, queries, other minor tragedies.

Dropped: Wake? Unsure why the first draft doesn’t have them on, other than that we feel the marginal victor of choice in the ACC is not the Demon Deacons but the Virginia Cavaliers. Purdue and Hawaii get no apologies for lack of performance and lack of schedule strength, respectively. BYU gets bumped in the bustle, but Auburn’s the real question mark here. They have the best defense overall in the SEC, and are likely worthy of an edit for inclusion.

Added for dubious reasons: Arkansas, who may be in the poll as a nod to McFadden/Jones alone.

The muddle at the top: The Big 12 dominates the top ten, and we’re suspicious of that clump up there, especially Kansas, who now that everyone has universally acknowledged their goodness will immediately choke–because this is 2007, and we trust no team given a compliment to not let it go to their head and immediately crash and burn the following week.

Oregon at 2 looks like a keeper, though. Their nod over LSU at this point is their snappy, clean offense and discipline, something LSU’s rollicking mess of an offense–talented beyond belief but prone to errors that make things far, far harder than they need be–does not have.

Critiques, invective, and comments below.

Heads had to roll, and roll they did in this week’s blogpoll. In fact, if this were detached head theatre, this would be like the battle scene from Detached Head Theatre Presents: Mean Girls, the Director’s Cut. (The movie ended with a spectacular battle scene with no fewer than 57 decaptitations. Dr. Strangelove originally ended with the world’s biggest pie fight. The editing room floor has claimed much greatness.)

Anyway, outright apologies, errors, and hapless defenses of our poll follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	5
2	LSU	1
3	Oregon	1
4	Arizona State	—
5	Oklahoma	2
6	Kansas	3
7	Missouri	2
8	Boston College	1
9	West Virginia	3
10	Connecticut	10
11	Texas	—
12	Wake Forest	14
13	Clemson	13
14	California	9
15	Auburn	11
16	Tennessee	10
17	Georgia	9
18	Michigan	8
19	South Florida	11
20	Virginia Tech	5
21	Purdue	5
22	Alabama	1
23	Virginia	4
24	Hawaii	—
25	Brigham Young	1

Please take our vote for tOSU at number one as a white flag of surrender. We ran out of reasons not to place them in the top spot this week.

Oregon and Arizona State will shake out soon enough, since they play this weekend in Eugene. (Rudy Carpenter’s banged up–advantage, Oregon.) Kansas and BC are more troublesome in terms of proofing; Kansas v. Missouri will be a pivotal game for both in the last week of the season, but even then you’ve got the confounder of the Big 12 game in there to boost/sink one team dramatically while others sit statically in the poll. Boston College looked shaky versus Virginia Tech, and when the ship starts to list they just keep throwing, throwing, and throwing with Matt Ryan. He attempted 52 passes in Blacksburg; do that enough against a Miami or Clemson through the home stretch, and any quarterback will make a critical mistake.

Clemson looks particularly nettlesome for BC: on the road in a difficult environment, clouds of bourbon wafting off the stands, a dominant run game to grind clock, and a decent enough defense to force Ryan into mistakes.

Florida, g0nz0rz. A defense with the give and tenacity of talc on the hardness chart gets you sent to poll purgatory. Pray for forgiveness and a final spot in the high teens.

Having given UConn the respect they deserve, we now fully expect them to cough up a home loss to Rutgers in return. MAO! Ditto for sentimental fave Wake Forest, who we’ve undoubtedly got too high, but that Jim Grobe just seduces us each time with his pluck and spunk. Plus they can beat anyone in their conference–that helps,too.

The rest, of course, is a total weeping mess. Especially the SEC knots with Auburn, Georgia, and Tennessee, and whatever the hell we’re going to do with South Florida. They’ve become the oversized dinner table of poll: they don’t fit in the living room, but you can’t fit them in the dining room, but it’s too nice to leave out in the garage…it’s a mess. But we admit that, and for our brave ignorance we demand cookies. Shortbread, preferably.

Guest columnist and recently fired sports journalist Ted Sheehan joins us for his commentary on this week’s poll.

Ted Sheehan, guest columnist.

You know, this polling thing isn’t that hard, people. It’s just not! It’s all part of something I can slam into a series of sentences I call a column like I slam riblets into my mouth at my favorite local watering holes. Riblets! I’d eat ‘em for breakfast.

You see: just put the undefeated teams at the top.

Why?

Because undefeated teams haven’t lost, and this means they’re good.

Good teams don’t lose? See, it’s simple like that. You only get to the top if you play like a champion every week, and that’s why I’m making it easy for you.

For example: Kansas is undefeated. But so is Ohio State, and so is Hawaii. You see a problem, I see a solution. (That’s why I get paid to write this, people!)

Just put them in order of the number of times they’ve been on television. Ohio State? They’re on television all the time, so they must be good. Put them first. Hawaii? They’re always the late game, so they’re number two.

Kansas? Please! They don’t have a football team. Ha! I know they do. But I couldn’t pick them out of a lineup. So put them at 23, because that’s where teams with undefeated records I’ve never seen go in my poll. Keeps them happy.

But really, not doing this is like trying to decide what good music is without looking at the charts or what good television is like without looking at the ratings. Because people in large numbers? They’re always right.

Perfect example: CSI. It’s number one because it’s the best. I love it. Sometimes, my third wife gets upset at the gore, but that’s ok–I tell her that if she doesn’t like it, I’ll just divorce her and get another wife! Then she cries and leaves the room.

Life’s funny sometimes! (more…)

The Blogpoll goes wacky and unapologetic this week. Given a season with a total lack of reason, we commit ourselves to the asylum of just trying to put the best teams based on what we’ve seen–a mad idea given the nostrums of “the tyranny of the undefeated” that rules most polling, including many of our own ballots. (It’s like that damned “tyranny of the outrageously attractive and well-hung” that keeps us manning the blender at orgies instead of grunt-getting in style with our fifty year old neighbors!)

Anyway–the ballot for this week, which you already hate nearly as much as we do.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	3
2	Oregon	12
3	Oklahoma	1
4	Arizona State	5
5	Missouri	7
6	Ohio State	5
7	Boston College	1
8	South Florida	5
9	Kansas	1
10	Florida	6
11	Texas	—
12	West Virginia	8
13	Southern Cal	2
14	Penn State	3
15	Virginia Tech	8
16	Kentucky	9
17	Texas Tech	2
18	UCLA	8
19	Virginia	7
20	Connecticut	6
21	Alabama	5
22	Cincinnati	14
23	California	10
24	Hawaii	—
25	Illinois	3

Notes, apologies, and upraised middle fingers in defense of the indefensible.

LSU’s the best team in the country, and they’re number one by margins based on what we’ve seen on the field versus quality competition. Their only defeat came in triple overtime to the best quarterback in the country. They’ve got two quarterbacks capable of wrecking defenses. Their defensive line is now so dangerous opponents have resorted to chop-blocking them, albeit in completely unintentional ways. (cough) Early Doucet has returned to the wideout corps, they’ve got a power back, a neutrino-fast speed back, and two combo running backs who can destroy games singlehandedly. The defense is vulnerable only in the sense that they’re too aggressive, and thus exploitable on the boots, screens, and quick stuff Auburn and Florida got them on, but that’s a fault you’ll take–especially in a prospective title matchup with lead-footed Todd Boeckman and Ohio State.

We can’t sell you on it if you aren’t already sold, since this seems to be an article of faith, not an evidence-based decision for most. But just imagine if, in 2007 alone, you had this bag of exploding hammers at your disposal and the call comes down to who’ll put the game on the line in the ballsiest way imaginable. We think we’ve come up with the magic bullet to describe Les Miles thus far: he’s got the tools to back up his balls at this point at LSU, and the right Dr. Weird-type in the booth (Gary Crowton) to pull it off this season if the offense needs to score to win. The will is his, and the design is Crowton’s. It’s a better match than we could have imagined.

Ohio State! Fuck you it’s Ohio State! It could be, provided they beat Penn State this weekend. To this point, though, we imagine LSU getting on the field carrying a spice rack and a turkey baster with Ohio State. The fricassee would be on like Donkey Kong.

And if this were Florida, Alabama, or Auburn in the same position, we’d do the same. See the fact we axed three SEC teams from the poll this week for sucking. Note: not for competing in “THE TOUGHEST CONFERENCE IN THE LAND” [/merrill hoge], but for s-u-c-k-i-n-g and l-o-s-i-n-g.

The remaining? Bafflement. Oregon’s an amazing football team with a stout resume. If he played in the Midwest or the South, Dennis Dixon would have children and bouncing happy babies named after him right now. Missouri is Gary Pinkel’s first team not wilting through the late season. Kansas has left the state once, and pays for it thusly. (It’s not an insult–it’s waiting for proof!) UCLA, now entering our poll again, will surely exit it with an inconsistent, strange, and eye-gouging loss this weekend. They’re the Iggy Pop of college football: rich and famous, then homeless in Haiti, then rich and famous, then homeless in Detroit, then rich and famous again.

Dropped: Auburn, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Wisconsin, all for being squirrelly, inconsistent, gifted and maddening. If they were people, we’d call them family! Being football teams, we just call them unranked.

Hawaii has started charging rent in the low twenties, and plans to flip it for a nicer spot in the high teens by the end of the season. You should see what they’ve done to the kitchen: butcher block countertops, recessed lighting, a huge new SubZero refrigerator. Even in this market, it’s a sure sell.

You lose points for lutefisk.

Polling is becoming like composing the UN’s HDI rankings: at the top, you’ve got indisputably happy football people quibbling over the tiniest and most subjective of details.

Norway: We have universal health care and the highest standards of living in the world.

Denmark: Oh yeah? Well, that is a valid point.

Then there’s the middlins, who have one glaring weakness they can’t possibly help, like South Korea’s situation with having a crazy, psychotic, and very well-armed brother just over the fence, or Florida’s dazzlingly talented yet immature youth movement. These are followed by the bottom dwellers of the rest of the top. Think of Hawaii as South Africa: Exotic! Exciting! Awesome relative to its neighbors, but still not punching G8 weight! But have you seen our lions and dazzling gold jewelry!

This week’s abomination is below. One clarification: our ballot below is the corrected ballot, which was not the hasty-as-usual ballot crapped into Brian’s inbox this a.m. that had–among other errors, a rise in Cincy after a loss, a few curious bunches of teams in the same conference, and a vote for ice cream at eight. Because we really, really wanted some ice cream this morning. Again, we remind you:

1. The arrows mean nothing.
2. We fucked up.
3. We’re clearly an ass. Asses. Damn plural first person…

Off with our heads, and on with the ballot…

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oklahoma	—
3	South Florida	—
4	LSU	—
5	South Carolina	—
6	Boston College	—
7	Kentucky	—
8	Arizona State	1
9	Kansas	1
10	Missouri	2
11	California	2
12	Oregon	2
13	Texas	2
14	Southern Cal	1
15	Florida	1
16	Penn State	1
17	Auburn	1
18	Cincinnati	10
19	Texas Tech	—
20	West Virginia	—
21	Tennessee	—
22	Illinois	—
23	Virginia Tech	—
24	Hawaii	—
25	Wisconsin	—

Clarifications, errata, and outright shames.

WHA OK? Yes, Oklahoma. If you wonder what the methodology is, it’s a hybrid of resume balloting and truthiness subject to coffee, mood, and whatever we saw in the intestines of our daily pigeon kill this morning. (Augury–it’s what’s for breakfast.)

Which means that at this point, it’s absolute value voting, and that’s the absolute value we see. Boston College helped this by not trouncing Notre Dame, or even scoring as many points as Purdue did against the Irish. And South Florida could prove us very wrong by running Rutgers over with their Charismatic Fiero of Tampa Bay Area triumph. But for the top ten, that’s our value, with two notable creepers…

The last midgets up the hill. Arizona State may have peaked on the year with this ballot, since they’re both going into the grinding end of their conference schedule. Kansas, though, could pop up a few more spots over the rest of their angel-soft schedule. Their real bid for top 5 comes with a defeat of resilient Missouri and an appearance in the Big 12 Championship game. For an instant, the picture of Kansas in the national title game just flashed across our consciousness. We saw the Eternal Footman hold our coat, and snicker, and in short, we were afraid.

Climbers: Pretty much anyone between the 11-20 spots, really. We think brand name bargains are a-plenty down here, since many are retooling in angry fashion. Texas has begun this process, and we think Florida will do the same. This is the point in the movie where the soft version of the heroic theme song is playing, and they’re working out in montage at the gym like a madman. Or puking their puppet guts up in an alley in a drunken wallow of self-pity (see: USC.)

Texas Tech is always the dark horse in the Big 12, but keep an eye on them for real now that their defense isn’t playing under some exotic curse.

The rest? A glorious mess, of course.

At some junction in the season, rank arbitrary judgment must peek its snout into the rankings and coexist with the scanty evidence of a half-season’s evidence. Nowhere is this more evident than in our poll this week, which we divide into:

The VIP. A velvet rope stretches across the poll around the seven or eight spot, depending on the week. Inside? A group of stone ballaz grippin’ and sippin’ only the finest promethazine and watching round mango rump maneuver in only the iciest of fashion. This is Prada, bitch. Don’t spill the Dom on it. Think Kanye West around right now: bloated, rolling in cash, and either poised to reign or fixing to plummet into a pit of self-indulgence.

9-19 :The madding crowd. People who either were in the VIP and lost their juice, or mad angry toughsters on the way in and gunning. The most unstable of the lot, they’re liable to get skunked in a bad street deal one week and then run savage game the next three matchups in a row. Darwinian competition and sheer ambiguity down here.

20-25: Just happy to be there, ceremonial invites. The odd paparazzi photo you see of Tony Robbins hanging out with 50 Cent, or perhaps old Studio 54 pics where Anwar Sadat is seen dancing with Bianca Jagger? That’s who these people are, the odd fits making an appearance either on the way to the madding crowd level or diving out to the nether-regions of middling college football. You’re name’s not on the list…but my, you’re flashing enough leg to get the bouncer’s attention. Come on in for a bit, mama.

Apologies, half-justifications, and capricious judgments admitted below. (more…)

Not a despicable effort on our part, especially given that we’re still in the process of college football’s collective roof caving in on us. Arguments, clarifications, and apologies follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	California	3
4	Ohio State	7
5	Oregon	2
6	Boston College	4
7	Wisconsin	1
8	South Florida	13
9	Kentucky	4
10	Oklahoma	7
11	Florida	6
12	West Virginia	8
13	South Carolina	3
14	Georgia	1
15	Cincinnati	2
16	Missouri	3
17	Texas	8
18	Rutgers	6
19	Hawaii	5
20	Arizona State	3
21	Purdue	5
22	Clemson	8
23	Virginia	2
24	Kansas	2
25	Kansas State	1

Rule 138, sporadically observed: Quality losses count. Florida, Rutgers, Alabama, and Penn State, and Texas all plummet based on losing to unranked, unheralded opponents. Rutgers should have actually fallen further, given that they lost to a Maryland team seemingly incapable of completing a pass longer than six yards earlier this season; however, we’ll reserve some additional plummeting pending the result of their game against Cincy for next week.

Oregon, however, is a damn good team who lost at the very last second to the third best team in the nation by our and many, many others’ estimates. Go ahead and let a bit of head-to-head hypotheticals leak into your brain: do you really, truly think Oregon doesn’t beat Boston College at this point, or USF, or even Florida, given the massive structural problems the Gators are having right now? A noble loss to a great team doesn’t knock you too far down, say our five brain cells.

Remaining knots:

Big Ten knot: Ohio State over Wisconsin. We’ve let logic rule here and just admitted to us and the heavens that the Buckeyes have looked impervious while Wisconsin has been one of the shakiest undefeated teams in the nation. It’s safe enough at this point to let Purdue sneak in there at the bottom, too, since we’re looking at a giants vs. midgets year for the Big Ten, with the tallest midget at the moment wearing a Boilermaker shirt. We know they’ll disappoint…but a bit of sunshine on the face is nice, even if you know you’re just going to fall right back into the well just as it touches your skin.

SEC knots: Florida could fall further pending a decent performance versus LSU. Kentucky and South Carolina will shake out Thursday, allowing us and other voters to properly pop one into the top ten with confidence while confidently shuffling the other into tweener teendom somewhere around 15. Georgia remains average in almost every category statistically save for scoring defense and punting, which may be enough for them in an unbalanced SEC East.

The eyes of Kansas are upon you. Two ranked teams from Kansas is admittedly too many. Again, real life could shake this out, or the two could somehow play badly enough against each other in their rivalry game to make us de-rank both for shame. As long as Ron Prince dances we can’t get too worked up about the whole thing, though if Mangino attempts a counter-move on his sideline, we’re dialing 9-1 and waiting for the inevitable.

ACC knot: Virginia–really? An ironic vote, yes–but blame Groh-mentum for our passion for Virginia Cavalier football! It’s irresistable! They are undefeated in the ACC, and have just a solid a chance at the title as anyone else due to the fact that the entire conference seems to politely regard an undefeated season in conference as being extremely rude to their conference mates.

Bit bullish on Hawaii, eh? On the mainland we don’t say Mahalo! We say fuck you, as in “fuck you, after what you saw Saturday, why the fuck couldn’t Hawaii get a BCS spot?”

Heyo! This week’s blogpoll has the strength of not being done ten minutes before deadline, so bring the hatredcopter, haters. It’s…it’s…almost competent.

Adamant refusals to apologize and open challenges to fight you in the Thunderdome follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Oklahoma	1
4	West Virginia	1
5	Florida	2
6	California	2
7	Oregon	1
8	Wisconsin	5
9	Texas	3
10	Boston College	1
11	Ohio State	4
12	Rutgers	2
13	Kentucky	6
14	Clemson	2
15	Georgia	3
16	South Carolina	2
17	Cincinnati	9
18	Alabama	6
19	Missouri	4
20	Penn State	11
21	South Florida	4
22	Kansas	4
23	Arizona State	—
24	Hawaii	2
25	Virginia	1

Open challenges to fight!

Poor-mouthing, my ass. Why WVU ahead of Florida? Because they’re pushes on offense and West Virginia, as far as we know, has at least one cornerback. That’s all. If Florida beats the huge, elephantine ears off Tuberville this weekend, then we’ll bounce them back up. Right now, a pass rush and ability to actually disrupt something the opposing offense differentiates the two, with Florida’s defense being a literal wall on the field: you can’t run into it, but you can certainly throw things over it at will. That’s going to asplode a-one of these games, and it may not the one you’re expecting at LSU, who hasn’t really thrown the ball at will…yet. Kentucky and Andre Woodson have us stocking up on the Bactine and aloe in advance, especially since Florida goes to Lexington.

Still gorilla/werewolf with chainsaw dick. USC’s a hair behind the Husqvarna-dicks in our mind. Cal gets the nod over Oregon pending this weekend’s result, since our readers have pointed out helpfully that Cal’s defense is actually stopping someone this year.

Respect Rutgers or die, motherfucker? When they beat someone of substance, they go into the top ten–as of now Mike Teel is second in the nation in passing efficiency, and he’s done this against harmless baby chick opponents. When he fights some bigass rooster of a team, they get in the henhouse. (Viva la agricultural metaphors!) Ditto for BC, who is just this close to getting in the top ten on Matt Ryan’s arm alone.

Other oddities, etc: Wisconsin has looked wobbly twice, but have actually beaten some people; Ohio State beat Washington, yes, but aside from being blinded by Jake Locker, the value of that and a Northwestern sacrifice lose out to Wisconsin’s more substantial conference win over Iowa. (Yes, even with palsied Balk-eye offense.)

More Big Ten revaluation with the rebirth of the Penn State absurdist offense and a huge plunge for them. Georgia bumps, Cocks droop, and we’re still unsure of how good Alabama is, so we hold a spot for them beneath awed-by-the-runway-and-lights Cincy. 20-24 is largely a muddle of high-scoring teams of dubious but sparkling record, and should be referred to as the 45 Point Block due to their habit of either scoring or giving up 45 points in every game.

Groh-mentum! We are not making this up. UVA gets the nod for being tied for the early lead in the ACC. Charisma, son, is for suckers and polygamists.

The simple task of putting 25 teams into order without committing logic fouls of murderous proportions is still confounding us four weeks into the season. GOOOOOOO BRUINS!!!

Notes, apologies, and outright errors of gross incompetence follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Florida	2
4	Oklahoma	1
5	West Virginia	1
6	Oregon	2
7	Ohio State	8
8	California	2
9	Penn State	2
10	Rutgers	—
11	Boston College	6
12	Texas	14
13	Wisconsin	2
14	South Carolina	2
15	Missouri	11
16	Clemson	3
17	South Florida	6
18	Georgia	4
19	Kentucky	7
20	Georgia Tech	11
21	Nebraska	7
22	UCLA	6
23	Arizona State	5
24	Alabama	2
25	Louisville	12

Notes, apologies, and outright errors of gross incompetence.

Your Chinese Jet Pilot Mistake of the Week. Leaving UCLA in anywhere near this poll, which we blame on incompetence, sheer incompetence, ma’am/sir. We’re considering self-probationing ourselves for next week based on our continued gaffes, especially towards the teams at the bottom of the poll. We apologize for the error, and ask you to anticipate further mistakes in the future.

Florida bumps up. October 6th is the day at least two of the Forde’s “Fearsome Foursome” fall flailing feetfirst for firmer terra: Florida plays LSU at home, and Oklahoma plays Texas in the Red River Shootout, whose politically incorrect name we will use until the day we die. Until then, given no serious changes across the board to USC/LSU/Florida’s record, Oklahoma remains at four, having only played a weak Miami team at home and getting their first conference game against bird-flip-inducing Colorado.

Ohio State: no longer _hi_ State. Demonstrated offense gets them and their beareating defense into the top ten ahead of Wisconsin. Wisconsin should scare the shit out of pollsters: they allowed 31 points to the Citadel, struggled against UNLV, and are either shakier than anticipated or doing the greatest job of sandbagging going into their Big Ten scheduled evarrr.

Pac-10 Split Cometh. Three Pac-10 teams in the top ten is an indicator both of a.) conference strength at the moment, and b.) a sign of an impending split, with either Oregon or Cal moving into the mid to early teens in the next week or two. Cal would be the early suspect, as their victory over Tennessee looks much less impressive than it did earlier while its defense has given up substantial points to both the Vols and Colorado State.

The early returns, though, remain shiny: 13-3 in out of conference play is the Pac-10 in 2007.

Other oddities: Boston College is likely overvalued here, but Matt Ryan is the only sexy name in an otherwise grotty ACC following Tech’s wiltage at home (!) against BC; Texas is Wisconsin-shaky right now, even with their charming rhythmic dancing, and likely doesn’t deserve the continued faith; we and everyone else voting for them will live to regret the high estimation of Missouri…but not yet; Kentucky is a better team than Louisville by virtue of having a defense; and finally, goooooOOOOOO BRUINS!!!

Wait, they weren’t the 44 in the score? Oh, fuck-a-hammer. We quit.

Our Blogpoll ballot for week three. Of course we insulted your favorite team.

BTW: pay no attention to the arrows. They’re corrections of corrections. Onward!

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Oklahoma	—
4	West Virginia	—
5	California	1
6	Florida	1
7	Oregon	1
8	Texas	18
9	Penn State	2
10	Georgia Tech	1
11	Rutgers	1
12	Wisconsin	1
13	Louisville	—
14	Nebraska	—
15	South Carolina	3
16	Ohio State	1
17	Tennessee	4
18	Boston College	1
19	UCLA	3
20	Clemson	1
21	Arkansas	1
22	South Florida	1
23	Georgia	1
24	Arizona State	6
25	Washington	1

Notes, apologies, blatant admissions.

We fucked up. Again. What you see above is the slightly more thought out blogpoll ballot we resubmitted after our morning meeting, two cups of coffee, and done with a checklist next to us in a methodical fashion. What you will see under our ballot as tallied this morning is a neglectful piece of trash submitted a minute under the wire pre-coffee on our way to a meeting. Therefore: Texas, we apologize, having left you off completely in a hurry.

This means less to Texas than it might to other teams, since we all know how starving for attention and acknowledgment the Longhorn football program is. But if you see our blogpoll ballot and notice the mistake, save the comment and just call us imbeciles as we are. This would be a correct statement.

As seen on TigerDroppings: the Geauxrilla.

Fear the Geauxrilla. LSU is number one by proof this year. Offensively: they’ve demolished a decent MSU defense to begin, and then merc’d Virginia Tech’s defense in week two, allegedly among the best in the nation. Defensively: reduced Sean Glennon to cinders, which is easy enough, but also crushed VT’s run game from the onset. Weaknesses exist–watch their offensive tackles against decent competition for one–but right now they’ve cleaned the most impressive plate of anyone at the buffet.

South Carolina won, but……like all teams that live by the skin of their teeth, their climb will be slow and steady in the polls. We had them overvalued to begin with, so this market correction is less a matter of punishment, and more one of curbing irrational exuberance about their season.

Rutgers, babeee!!! We’ve undervalued them, especially in light of their actually playing defense in the Big East. (Even if they allegedly yell “YOU GOT FUCKED UP!” to Navy. Rutgers, have you ever considered replacing Vandy in the SEC? You’d fit right in.) South Florida nudges in following a win versus Auburn, who may or may not suck completely. Their quarterback literally chucks and ducks at this point waiting for the impact of oncoming rushers.

Bullish on the Pac-10, who erased a daunting slate of competition this past weekend. Cal may be too high, but we’ll happily hop Florida over them provided they beat Tennessee in fair to impressive fashion this weekend. Oregon earns points for properly euthanizing Michigan, who really was in a lot of pain.

The knot of the SEC: The absolute value of Georgia, Tennessee, and Arkansas are all difficult to calculate right now. For all intents and purposes, they’re treading water in this poll and either a.) about to swim, or b.) preparing to drown. If Florida trounces Tennessee, we have this crazy theory that Phil Fulmer will be in serious, malicious trouble. That Nutt guy, though–he could lose by fifty to Alabama and no one would care. Seriously. They love him up there with cuddles and fairy dust and everything.

Dropped: Hawaii. Well, it was Louisiana Tech. Only Mike Dubose loses to La. Tech from big boy football. They didn’t lose, but they needed miracles, and that’s enough (along with TCU’s loss) to frighten us off the upstarts for a week or so. And Colt Brennan only threw for 400 548 yards? DOES HE HAVE CANCER WE WANT TO KNOW?!?!?!

Our blogpoll for week two. Now containing 10 percent less bullshit thanks to actual football.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Southern Cal	25
2	LSU	24
3	Oklahoma	23
4	West Virginia	22
5	Florida	21
6	California	20
7	Georgia	19
8	Wisconsin	18
9	Virginia Tech	17
10	Nebraska	16
11	Louisville	15
12	Georgia Tech	14
13	Texas	13
14	Oregon	12
15	Ohio State	11
16	Boston College	10
17	Missouri	9
18	Penn State	8
19	Tennessee	7
20	Texas A&M	6
21	Auburn	5
22	Texas Tech	4
23	Hawaii	3
24	Washington	2
25	Colorado	1

Notes. Clarifications. Horrid misjudgments.

Slaves to fashion. And reason, mind you: Michigan drops out completely and totally. They’ve surrendered to their fate for the moment, Space Emperor Zoltan and all.

Play someone, you get preference. Unless you’re USC and Florida. Who both may be horribly overrated in this poll, along with West Virginia. Yet we did the best we could to balance the prejudice of past success (Florida, USC) and hype (WVU and Louisville) with actually playing someone in week one. Cal receives the biggest bump, though their defense shows ominous generosity, for playing a frisky Tennessee team. Tennessee acquitted themselves well, so thus do not fall too far in the polls, either.

T. Boone only flies invisible platinum jets flown by Linda Carter. Even to road losses.

Ditto for Georgia, who didn’t get enough general huzzah-ing for their tidy disposal of Oklahoma State and the invisible platinum plane they flew in on piloted by D.B. Cooper and Wonder Woman. (T. Boone pays for nothing but the best.) Georgia Tech gets moderate huzzah-ing for playing in a potentially tough venue, though Notre Dame may be worse than anyone, anyone anticipated. While we’re covering our SEC homerism here, Auburn–who we had unranked–sneaks in the 20s for playing an erratic but potentially good Kansas State team.

The Aigggh’s of Texas are upon us. A 21-13 game against Arkansas State should send jitters through the voting populace. The linebackers really are a problem, and the one bailout factor Texas has relied on for the past two years, the unstoppable power spread they’ve been running since VY year two, stuttered with Colt McCoy mistakes. Rust or deep decay will be diagnosed over the next three weeks.

Honoraria, impending fluctuation, and hat tips. At this point in the season, build no foundations in a poll–the ground is practically liquid, as Michigan so aptly (or ineptly) demonstrated. So no griping about big swings, since we’re happy to be Mr. Manic Depressive at this point in the year.

Fluctuation will reign in the bottom half of the poll, too: Washington gets the nod for the new-look offense and the auspicious debut of Jake Locker (huge offensive line, too), Colorado played extremely well in a perpetually underrated rivalry game against CSU, and Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Hawaii, and Nebraska all get bumps of varying degree for laying waste to opponents and the cities they once called home, but may now carry in a small ziploc baggie. Again, events of this week have made the gimme games and the blowouts they spawn seem slightly more significant, since losing is now an evident option.

We spaced the agonizing process of putting this monstrosity together over several posts, and even then it still reeks of hackery, half-thought, and the ramblings and self-justifications of a desperate, overmatched man. In fact, we detest this ballot, repudiate its maker, and sincerely wish to kick his ass when we see him. We’re talking to you, Swindle.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Southern Cal	25
2	Michigan	24
3	West Virginia	23
4	Texas	22
5	LSU	21
6	South Carolina	20
7	Florida	19
8	Oklahoma	18
9	Virginia Tech	17
10	Louisville	16
11	Wisconsin	15
12	Georgia	14
13	Nebraska	13
14	Ohio State	12
15	Oregon	11
16	Penn State	10
17	Florida State	9
18	Oklahoma State	8
19	Wake Forest	7
20	Tennessee	6
21	California	5
22	Hawaii	4
23	Arkansas	3
24	Missouri	2
25	Duke	1

Instant disavowal and caveat: It’s crap. It’s crap, and we know it. Your blogpoll ballot and/or top 25 is crap, too. The guy who invented these called them crap himself. Hell, Leitch knows they’re crap, which means the secret is royally out of said bag in an official way.

Instant visual corollary when looking at this ballot: (more…)