It’s Wednesday. Time for Girl Talk. We always thought Chicago and the Quad City DJs were a natural match.

Notre Dame announces their new AD today, and he is no one. Okay, he exists, and is some one, but he is a first-time AD who’s never managed an athletic program before, which seems to go with Notre Dame’s overall “hey, you wanna try something here, guy?” approach to hiring as of late. John “Jack” Swarbrick is a lawyer and is partly responsible for the Super Bowl coming to Indianapolis, and is therefore a favorite of every sportswriter three and a half years in advance due to his creation of easy “Indianapolis sucks” columns for Super Bowl week.

Hiring an inexperienced AD usually means they get to play the part of compliant asphalt to some steamroller; whether that’s Weis, the administration, or both remains to be seen.

Little Ball of Hate: ROCK. Trey Blackmon has the finest nickname in contemporary college football: “Little Ball of Hate.” Frankly, only two names could top this: one, whoever “Big Ball of Hate” is, and two, our proposed nickname for the position Jasper Brinkley plays at South Carolina, the “Thundercock Linebacker” position. We really just want that to be spoken on air by an ESPN personality just to watch the sweat stain their collar.

698 slots available; market value, $10,651 each. Care to quantify expectations for Georgia fans? Exactly 698 slots opened up for season tickets thanks to the usual attrition (death or tightened budgets, we guess,) and the going price shot up to over ten grand for each one for 2008. Ah, angsty teeth-gnashing over the toxic mixture of cash and college athletics! Wait, we’re sorry, this is the SEC. ROCK OUR TICKETS DONE COST MORE THAN URS WOOOOOO!!!! Get money!

Further online defections. Alert the authorities. Chip Brown of the Dallas Morning-News is headed to Rivals, per our golden “sources.” Brown’s departure, along with that of Wendell Barnhouse to the Big 12’s website, takes two of the biggest names in Big 12 sportswriting to the dark side of these mean internets. [/finger tent, quiet laughing.]

We likes our stupidity viscous and vicious. Oh, hell. Who let the old prospector out of the summer kitchen?

Stop reading this as you are committing a crime at this very moment by doing so. The breathtaking conflation of a single idiotic act by one message boarder with the entire vibrant, thriving, and shockingly self-policed community of message boards is precisely what we should expect from Gus Chiggins there, who likely only uses the internets to purchase new skillets for the camp vittles-makin’, and is by paycheck invested in seeing the online world as one rolling ball of masked vipers heading downhill in his direction.

Which it is, by the way, so eat fang, australopithecene. Them snakes got momentum on their side. While you’re at it, review your understanding of community, personal agency, and self-policed communities–the biggest suckers for the hoax came not in the online community, which tends to sniff out hoaxes with IP trackers and years of experience, but from the talk radio community who picked up the story and ran with it in Texas.

Damn you Marconi! Your insidious machine is nothing but an anonymous machine for blah blah blah blah Luddite crap from someone being ground to pieces in its gears. We think you don’t understand your subject, Gus, and should stop before you sound any more stroke-addled than you do. Sincerely, Spencer Hall, who writes as Orson Swindle on EDSBS.com, who would be happy to explain this to you while still calling you wrong and bullshittedly so to your face.

Michael Lemon has been dismissed from UGA following his amateur orthopedic work on the eye socket of a fellow student. It’s very sad, both because Lemon’s mother was murdered last year, and we’re sure the anger must be unbearable, and also because a hapless student received a broken face thanks to Lemon’s inability to control his emotions. Remember: the least a university can do is guarantee that student athletes will not break the faces of other students when on campus.(HT: Paul.)

Now taking applications. Must be fast, unable to defend simple pass patterns. The Florida secondary should be taking open casting calls now that Dorian Munroe is out for the season, leaving Florida with incoming superfrosh (whizbang rakrootingspeak!) Will Hill as the likely starting safety paired with Major Wright in the defensive backfield. (Dave Curtis thinks other permutations of the Gator secondary are more likely, but don’t tell that to Gator fans who are firmly in HALLO NEW GUY THX mode with Hill.) Jerimy Finch, but for patience the starting spot would be yours.

Defensive back John Curtis also blew out his knee, presumably out of sympathy with Munroe, and will “have to evaluate his future,” according to Meyer. This means nothing in the department of good news for him.

For more info on ACLs and why they don’t come with a warranty, see Conquest Chronicles’ excellent piece on the injury. Warning: contains lots of shots of human bone splayed open and looking surprisingly like bisected pieces of rotisserie chicken.

Louisville’s Trent Guy was released from the hospital on Friday, and appears to be recovering brilliantly from the holes put in his body during a shooting incident outside a Louisville nightclub. If he plays this season at all, he gets the Curtis James Jackson III award, a.k.a. the “Street Rasputin Trophy,” for Excellence in the Field of Shaking Off Gunshot Wounds.

Coach is drunk. This is SDSU. We’d be drunk, too. Have a drink, coach. Tom Craft, allegedly drunk before games at SDSU? We’ve said it before and will say it again: one of the most discriminated against groups in this nation of our is the legion of functional alcoholics who have made our nation great: Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Thomas Jefferson, Gumby, W.C. Fields, Mickey Rourke…really, a list of immortals to behold.

Plus imagine this scenario: getting your ass whipped by thirty points. Stands, devoid of people. Then, you look over and see…this.

We’d be pouring scotch into our eyeballs and shooting vodka into the jugular with an aerosol injector. For Craft to allegedly be merely “drunk” given the circumstances is a display of outstanding professionalism.

We shall stuff sandbags with cease and desist letters. The Des Moines Register, clearly not busy doing anything else like covering biblical flooding threatening to engulf the major population centers of the state, took time out of their day to send a cease and desist letter to Black Heart Gold Pants for using this video to show the severity of the Iowa flooding before asking their readers to donate to a flood relief fund.

We’ll take our c and d letter extra-spicy, Ms. Hickman! You know, with the fancy ketchup. BHGP has their story here, Peter explains some of the finer legal points here; Holly points out that the paper sent the c and d letter despite offering the embed code on its site. Revisiting the letter….

As the copyright owner of that video, The Des Moines Register has the exclusive right to its reproduction and distribution.

…unless you give the goddamn embed code to put the video on any blog anywhere on the internet on your site. Streisand effect, work your magic! Oh, and for Ms. Hickman’s bedside table we recommend Walter Benjamin’s seminal work The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction. Uh, we mean: we’re bloggers! Can’t read! Suck it, mainstream media type! YEAH! Baba-BOOOOIEEE RULZ!

A FAT raise! Get it! Phil Fulmer gets a fat raise, according to the Tennessean via the Wiz, and says he’s good for eight to ten years more as the head coach at Tennessee. Hear that? He’s good to go for eight to ten more years, meaning he’s telling you how long he wants to be there. Almost like Joe Paterno, really, if you multiplied the mass times eight and the national titles by two.

Jim Delany likes his coffee like he likes his women: bitter, cold, and expensive. Kevin over at Fanblogs says Delany and the Big Ten Network got heaping braised slices of their own ass handed to them by Comcast in the final negotiations surrounding their contentious, three-years-plus tussle over how many households would see the network at what price. The exact phrasing, though:

Now… I don’t know about you but where I come from, having left $8.5 million dollars per year on the table isn’t just losing on a deal, it’s getting your sweet pale @ss handed to you by a beast.

The bitter won’t bother Delany, though. He’ll keep his chin up as long as he’s got his standard lunch of infant bones and field greens waiting for him, followed up by the requisite administering of the afternoon paper cuts and lemon juice chasers for the interns. The small things keep one sane, you know.

Coming soon: geeks burning very nice sofas in a controlled fashion. The possible road jerseys for Michigan are carbon copies of West Virginia’s road jerseys. Michigan fans to burn couches in controlled fashion, drink eighty dollar bottles of aged whiskey with abandon, and to cheer for new sideline mascot in orange puffy hunting vest with high-powered deer rifle, “The U.P. Militiaman.” No similarities intended.

Resurgence; we can see it. If this is who Randy Shannon is recruiting, Da U may rise again:

Senior Zach Kane, 18, of Bay View Drive was at a party about 11 p.m. Saturday when he broke a bottle over the head of a fellow teen, causing serious injuries which required at least nine stitches, Police Chief Michael G. Mastronardy said.

That’s how you do it in the 305, son. One note though: a Miami player from Jersey? Is this a reverse Schiano dynamic in practice?

(Artist’s rendering of Orson Swindle, Esq. not to scale)

Even ESPN thinks “Football Championship Subdivision” is a stupid name. The WWL reports that Bill Curry, he of Georgia Tech, Alabama, Kentucky, and ESPN itself, will helm the incubating Georgia State football program and provides this giggly nugget: “The Atlanta school will begin play in 2010 in the division formerly known as I-AA and will play its home games in the Georgia Dome.” The next natural step is clearly the creation of an unpronounceable symbol to denote I-AA. Suggestions welcome, particularly those involving flightless birds.

Mis’sippy State’s off probation. Money quote: “Sherrill’s lawyer, Wayne Ferrell, didn’t return a message Wednesday. Neither did Sherrill.”

They’ll breed. You’ll die. Last year saw the emergence of the Northwestern band of brothers; this year’s new Miami hotness is a bumper crop of baby receivers out of St. Thomas Aquinas. The city continues to breed its football talent in convenient multi-pack form. Are they growing them in test tubes like Colquitts? Who knows, but [heavy-handed segue into joke about gerbils, which also multiply very quickly, in order to have an excuse to post this video containing that one gay bar song that appears by law at least four times a week on this site]:

(Not to pile on, but it’s the South Bend affiliate.) Anyone seen that episode of Sports Night where Danny gets emergency writer’s block and comes up with the sentence, “The Flyers played the Red Wings in a hockey game last night and they won 4-3″? OK, now read this. That is the gawkiest series of sentences I’ve ever seen on a professional media website, and not even because it’s about Eli Manning. Pepper The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin bows his sleek head in weariness.

Rest easy, Dawg. Four-year Georgia QB and CFB Hall of Famer John Rauch died yesterday at the age of 80. Our condolences and best wishes to his family.