EDSBS THE MAGAZINE | VOL. 2 ISSUE 3
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September 20, 2009
August 27, 2009
NEW COLLEGE GAMEDAY SONG TO BE LITTLE BIT COUNTRY, LITTLE BIT OH GOD KILL ME
Kenny Chesney, your midget ass. Our troupe of unstoppable pit bulls. A dark plain in West Texas borded by a river, and us in a monster truck with hunting lights and a shotgun. Let’s roll, shorty.
Award-winning country music star Kenny Chesney, known for his high-energy stadium concerts, has written a song exclusively for ESPN’s college football game and studio telecasts during Dick’s Sporting Goods Kickoff Week (Sept. 3-7) and Championship Saturday (Dec. 5) as well as select contests throughout the season and bowl games. ESPN will have the exclusive premiere of the song during its pregame show Thursday, Sept. 3, at 7 p.m.
Needs editing. One moment please. [Sound of screaming, fire, steel clanging, tendons ripping.] Okay, here you go. (more…)
July 29, 2009
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/29/09
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A bunch of brain-damaged, sub-moronic idiots. Baby. Baby. Baby. Please start football. Those in the heartland are clearly getting into the ergot-contaminated grain, and thought it has its benefits, like this video, it does not bode well for the long-term health of K-State fans. (Neither did Ron Prince, but that threat has been eliminated.) (HT: Corn Nation.) The inspiration for the video is Make the Girl Dance’s “Baby Baby Baby,” a video shot in one take on a Parisian street. Please notice the women are not completely barefoot, which is a very good decision on their part. (Yes. We’ve watched it enough times to notice their footwear. You will too, so don’t judge us.) No comment. I wouldn’t want to say he’s a total dick. So no comment. On that dickhead. Gene Chizik left Iowa State stronger than it was when he came in, forged lifelong relationships with players, and led Iowa State to a new level of football excellence during his time at Iowa State. You would write all of these things if you liked typing things that weren’t true, per this DMR piece. This is not, for the record, not a “no comment.” “No comment,” Frere said. “Between workouts, coach Rhoads will come into the locker room and hang out with us, watch TV and sometimes talk about things other than football… “We kind of got burned on the last deal,” Frere said of Chizik’s surprising December departure. “When (Chizik) says that he’s staying for sure, and then you find out through the media that he took a trip to see another school about another job, and then having to hear about it through the media that he accepted it … and then he calls a team meeting after the fact … “There was a lot of emotion in that room. There was a lot of anger.” Pretty sure that’s a comment. We’re going to try that same trick in a bar. Hey, “no punch in the face!” POW! This year’s Richt: “Sleepy” Richt. Evil Richt was followed by last year’s Nanny Richt, the one who admittedly took it too easy on his team in practice and thus paved the way for a season of being bullied off the line by Florida and Alabama. This year’s model: “Sleepy Richt.” On the question of what he did to relax this summer: Richt: Sleep. I actually took a couple naps this summer. Highly unusual for me. Anywhere from 30 minutes to, I might have maxed out at an hour and a half, here and there. It was during vacation. Even during vacation I usually don’t do that. It was good. Feel better about it by referring to them as “power naps,” like the kind we like to take in the park. Our our eight hours long and use an empty bottle of Mad Dog Banana Red for a pillow, but they’re basically the same thing. Blandishments. Player returning. Anticipates positive performance despite obstacles of schedule and roster turnover due to graduation. Detail from player’s upbringing. Supporting quotes from coaches, opposing players, and experts. Review of stats from prior year. Wrap with quote. Free appetizer with charred couch spring. Former WV running back Amos Zeroue has his own French-influenced West African restaurant in New York. The kedjenou looks particularly good, and even better, Mountaineer fans: DRINKS HALF OFF FROM 5-7 pm. |
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June 24, 2009
THIS WHOLE MARLON BROWN THING?
It’s probably not real, as spectacular as it would be. Marvel as the gymnastics of a blogger using a Dawgvent editor’s refutation of an online hoax! Boggle at the layer upon layer of pseudofactuality!
We’re inclined both to believe that it’s fake and that the chances of the impostor being caught are exactly 1 in nofuckingwayleventymillion. (HT: Georgia Sports.)
May 8, 2009
LEARNING THROUGH REPETITION: OBSTINATE JOURNO EDITION
Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.Blogging is not reporting. Blogging doesn’t do just one thing. Blogging is not reporting. Blogging is what you make it.
It would take typing that a few hundred more times to drive home the point to Jason Whitlock that blogging is not journalism, and you don’t need that. (As you already understand, since you’re reading this, and likely naturally savvy to the notion that EDSBS will not bring you the verified truth, and will instead bring you mostly songs about Norm Chow singing in autotune about having sex with a dolphin.)
Whitlock and many older sports journalists fail to understand this point, so we will state it in clear English. It will be clear of the fancy parentheticals, interesting adjectives Orwell loved so much, or any of the sort of literary devices J-school seeks to beat out of you for no good whatsoever (besides cheap simile and hackneyed metaphor. Those are fine, apparently.)
1. A blog is a medium. A blogger is someone who uses it.
2. Bloggers can do very different things with that medium, and set their own goals. They are not, on the whole, journalists who want your salad fork. (Or pudding shovel, as it were. Damn you fancy parenthetical!)
3. Stop referring to them in a blanket sense without providing specifics. We would not do the same to journalists.
Example!
Sports reporters are lousy writers and worse thinkers.
Clearly unfair, and inaccurate writing based on evidence. This is much, much better:
Jay Mariotti is a lousy writer and can’t use think gland want candy.
There we are. Far more accurate, and very, very specific. We don’t care if Whitlock wants to reinvent sports journalism, because as he states to a degree of accuracy, we are not sports journalists. Repeating the oppositional canard that bloggers are sports reporters with frontal lobotomies and brimming bowls of Ritalin is tiresome and inaccurate. After all, if we wanted either of those we’d have a subscription to the AJC in its charming and burnable 20th century form, and none of us would be having this discussion in the first place.
May 6, 2009
HEART OF DARKNESS: DESTINATION AMES
This week, the Des Moines Register held a live chat, a sort of State of the State discussion. The topic: Iowa State football. Our crackerjack team of investigators has uncovered exclusive transcripts from the event. Excerpts follow. Some of it is actually taken verbatim from the chat.
Randy Peterson: I’m ready for your your questions, etc. How many games will Iowa State win? My over-under number is 6. Which, if last year tells us anything, is more than good enough for a bowl berth.
[Comment From Lance]Who are some people that could impress us both offense and defense that we have not heard of?
Randy Peterson: I heard some good things about receiver Lonzie Range while making my rounds in Ames earlier in the week. For one thing, he has two arms. What else do you need to catch a football? I mean this as an open question to you all, as I haven’t seen it done in several years by an Iowa State player.
Google Image Results for Ames, Iowa: Number One.
[Comment From Guest]It sounds like the Defense is going to attack and try to make plays as opposed to play bend-but-don’t-break. In your opinion, will this be a good move for their defense?
Randy Peterson: Anything will be an improvement from last season. The coaching staff have maintained their “just don’t break” philosophy throughout the spring, and are on schedule to start working on bending in fall camp. The reports as far as the number of players who have been able to walk off the field under their own power after plays have been really encouraging. (more…)
April 30, 2009
GET CAREER ADVICE FROM THE CAREER-LESS
Heeeeeeeyyyy kids! Have you ever wanted to get daggered? Well, if you come to BLOGS WITH BALLS in NYC, we personally guarantee that Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post will DAGGAH DAGGAH DAGGAH with you.* Also, you can hear bloggers dispense career advice, a presentation whose occurrence will officially retire the term and concept of irony to the rhetorical glue factory.
After our presentation, a speech by this man on night navigation in small planes.
Also, we’ll buy you a cocktail if you show up. We will not, however, DAGGER DAGGER DAGGER with you. But Dan Steinberg, king of island rhythms most fierce, will!
*He probably won’t, but you’ll never know unless you ask.
April 13, 2009
CURIOUS INDEX, 4/13/2009
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Does Jim Tressel Tweet? Does a green-blooded Commie smoke Tarryltons and love big fake American ta-tas? Of course they don’t, and Jim Tressel will tweet when you put a poodle skirt on him and make him dance the can-can at gunpoint for the pleasure of a drunken and cackling Lloyd Carr. Ohio State also had their unique kick scrimmage on Friday, which in Eleven Warriors’ description sounds like their spring game, actually: Both sides exchange punts until one is in field goal range and each half contains scripted punts and FG attempts. Should you think this sounds boring, please read further down and see that Ohio State’s off-field alumni special teams did superb work this weekend at Ted Ginn Jr’s birthday party in Cleveland, where a “near-riot” situation broke out resulting in the tasering of Donte Whitner. Once you taste voltage, you crave its spiky touch forever, and outside of Gainesville, Florida no student body is as frequently tased as the Ohio State peoplemass. FLOOOOOOOAAAAAT. Georgia got prime-time coverage from messrs. Nessler and Herbstreit for G-Day, but we’ll focus instead on this bit of analysis from the Senator on qb Joe Cox’s performance in the scrimmage: Joe Cox ain’t JT3, but he ain’t DJ Shockley, either. He really had to muscle up on the deep throws, and it showed. Mmmm, floaty marshmallows. Georgia’s defense did look like a slight upgrade on last year’s unit, though the Senator notices the holes in Willie Martinez’s zone, which like a fine cheese give it both its unique character and occasionally make it reek like a dead rat stuck in a wall. Highlights here indicate the base plays of the 2009 attack are going to be the flea-flicker and the qb throwback. Believe your eyes! If only we could get rid of this…Tee-bow. John Brantley had his best practice as a Gator, assuaging possible fears of a post-Tebow dropoff in offensive production at Florida because of his cannon/arm. Even the offensive line, functioning with several holes due to injury and maligned by Meyer throughout spring, performed well for both Tebow and Brantley. This includes Matt Patchan, a.k.a. Red from Pineapple Express, the defensive lineman turned o-lineman who has been shot, injured in a scooter accident, and who tore his pec in the weight room since arriving in Gainesville. He’s really sorry he tried to kill you, dude, but he was the only lineman to handle Jermaine Cunningham in Saturday’s scrimmage, and that should count for something. Use the Forcier AGGHHHKRRGHhstrangled. The headline is killing Brian, but two things from Dennis Dodd’s piece on Michigan bear mention: 1. A cold-blooded pun on the word “break:” His big break, literally, came when redshirt junior Nick Sheridan broke his right leg in practice last month. Sheridan is the only quarterback on the roster who has thrown a Division I pass. When he was injured, the thought running through Michigan fans’ minds had to be “Stay down, kid.” We’ll shock you by not being outraged here, because outrage is cheap, and we’ve thought the same thing about players before, going so far as to spray friction-reducing industrial polymers on apartment steps to hasten the “accidental” injury of players we were convinced were waiting like sleeper cells of FAIL-qaeda in our team’s rosters. Someone’s going to email Dennis Dodd about this and call him heartless, and they’re wrong. He’s just being honest, and trying heartless on for size casually. 2. The only teams worse than Michigan in turnovers last season were…Washington State and South Carolina. When someone can explain to us what degenerative disease the Palmetto State gives to coaches’ ability to score points, please send us an email ASAP. Most other coaches would recruit faster people. Not Hedley, whose genius dictated that he take one of Texas’ premiere pocket passing talents and turn him into a battered option qb! What sort of person would do this instead of recruit? Dennis Franchione, the only EDSBS-certified “Total Fucking Idiot” ever. |
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March 4, 2009
TORREY DAVIS: STILL ALIVE, STILL ON ROSTER
Torrey Davis, the Florida defensive tackle knifing in on the fourth and goal stand there, is not dead, booted off the team, bolted at the ankle to a tutor, or any other such foolishness as you may have heard. According to Jeremy Fowler of the Orlando Sentinel, Florida is not giving up on Davis, even though he’s in some kind of unspecified trouble of the sprained cerebrum variety. We will now give you the fair and balanced evaluation of such a case as viewed through the complete spectrum of sports blogging.
Pro-Florida: Urban Meyer’s not just about scoring on the field. He wants to make sure his players cross the goal line in the classroom, too.
Anti-Florida: Urban Crier just cain’t stop cheatin’ ARP! Top one percenna one percent my ass!
We congratulate our program for boldly demonstrating love and patience with a powerfully built, shockingly agile young man with academic issues. S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!
February 11, 2009
A PROUD TASTE FOR ORANGE AND MINIVER
[hit play, then read on for maximum effect]
If you’re of orange-and-white extraction and a relative young’un like me, you’ve enjoyed respectable if not notable football success for most of your cognizant life. You are also threatened by change, and you may not know what to make of this young whippersnapper Kiffykins strolling the sacred halls of Neyland. He’s arrogant; he’s got a funny accent; he delivers his addresses like an under-prepared sixth-grader giving a book report, and oooohweeee, has he ever stirred up a hornets’ nest in the papers.
But here’s a fun little test. On one side of an argument are Paul Finebaum and Gregg “Greg” Doyel; on the other, Bruce Feldman and Matt Hinton. Who would you rather have in your corner?
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