Urban Meyer has been fined $30,000 for his comments about SEC officiating, the logical endpoint of the SEC backing itself so far into a corner re: officiating. As Holly suggests, the proper greeting to this (as it is for so many things) is a thoroughly lazy wanking motion in the direction of the SEC offices, but not so for Meyer. He still has to pay the $30K, but no one has defined form of payment.

We have suggestions.

–7 freshly circumsised and adoptable Filipino baby boys. (No questions asked.)

“Yeah, seven. But it’ll cost you. Bob Tebow Ministries doesn’t run on prayer and happy thoughts alone.

–600,000 nickels delivered in cheap garbage bags.

–1749 copies of this (ON SALE) classic by seven-time Pulitzer Prize Winner and astronaut Mike Freeman.

–Check written from his Cayman Islands account. (Takes days to clear, sure to draw IRS audit.)

–Three live Siberian Tigers. Black market prices, and surely available on a moment’s notice in Miami.

–Coupon for five favorable calls made by SEC referees in the game of their choice.

All are roughly equivalent to $30K or so, and should suffice in making Mike Slive feel more Roger Goodell-ish by the moment.

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Virginia Tech at East Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, featuring the Virginia Tech Hokies versus the East Carolina Pirates. Tonight’s game will feature YARRRRRRRRRRR pirates, so someone is surrendering the booty tonight.

Bad. Ass.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Virginia Tech’s offense has been better than its dismal usual this year for two reasons: the improved run blocking of the Hokies offensive line and the emergence of Ryan Williams, the freshman running back who enters the game with 930 yards rushing and 10 TDs. (more…)

Another cold day, he thought. His breath snapped in front of him like a frozen ghost. It disappeared as quickly as a married woman leaving your bed: suddenly, and sure to return in a few sad, empty seconds. He’d been breathing for years. It didn’t seem to help.

He thought about pouring a scotch. He poured a scotch. (more…)

Ours could be any number of things:

–”STILL MORE MOBILE THAN CHRIS WEINKE”
–”THERE WERE FLOWERS HERE BUT PHIL FULMER ATE THEM”
–”YOU’RE AT THE WRONG TOMBSTONE MIAMI’S SWAGGER IS FOUR SPOTS DOWN AND DIED IN 2002″
–”IF TIM’S RIGHT I’M IN HELL RIGHT NOW GO GATORS.”
–”CANCER: NATURE’S ORIGINAL UNSTOPPABLE SPREAD OFFENSE.”
–”NOT DEAD–JUST HIDING FROM ED ORGERON.”

Please leave your own personalized epitaphs below, and salute Mr. Smith, an American hero, and JBoxt1, who found this brilliance.

That’s what Ole Miss students are chanting at the end of “From Dixie With Love.” Please note that these are Ole Miss students, not alumni, who are certainly trying on the phrase with the kind of naive pissiness you find in high school grafitti artists or a white elementary schooler saying the N-word just to see what happens.

The President of the University has threatened to ban the song altogether, which would work after a period of GRRRR OUTRAGE. Go ahead and do it. Like the Confederate flag flap here in Georgia, it will die off, and racists will latch onto something else because they’re not that smart and therefore easily distracted. In this case, you can distract outraged Ole Miss undergrads with a 12 pack of Miller Lite and a sundress. We suggest the administration subtly stack piles of both at the site of any demonstrations. If this fails, try sparkly pictures of Obama, as this combines both shiny things and the ultimate horror of a Democratic black president.

You could also make the argument that it’s not hateful to the black players who play for your football team, who see your white columned and fictional antebellum paradise as a labor camp filled with death, imprisonment, rape, and the endless annihilation of their families, freedom, dignity, and humanity. Try that. It would be fun! Getting punched by a 300 pound man is just like getting slapped, except that your face comes off and you shit your pants from shock. You’ll find your historical arguments to be, um, unpersuasive to say the least.

Shepard Smith says it better than we can, though, and he’s on Fox News. HE MUST BE RIGHT LISTEN TO HIS RUBBERY PEOPLEMASK SPEAK THE TRUTH. The alumni know better than to do this shit because they know their ass from a hole in the ground, and also because they are old, or because chanting stuff requires energy, and that’s hard to muster if you’ve already had five Jack and Cokes on the day. We like to think positively, so we’ll assume it’s the former and not the latter.

Mickey Andrews will be retiring from his position as Florida State’s defensive coordinator at season’s end, ending an illustrious career spanning five decades and including two national championship defenses for the Seminoles.

An emotional Andrews made the announcement at the Orthopedic and Sports Surgery Convention of North Florida and Southern Alabama, where the longtime defensive stalwart and coaching icon was scheduled to receive a lifetime achievement award in Knee Surgery generation. Andrews was known not only for his hard hitting defenses, but for his defenses’ ability to move the field of reconstructive surgery forward with new and ever-evolving variations of knee damage.

“I can’t tell you how many different knees we had roll through here, but I could always tell which one’s had Mickey’s name all over it,” said reconstructive surgery legend Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham. “They didn’t just tear. By the time they got to me, it looked the way a truck tire had blown up in there, treads flapping and flying all over the place. I owe him a lake house or two, that’s for sure.”

Andrews’ can claim a long list of NFL draftees developed under his supervision, including NFL legends Deion Sanders and Derek Brooks. (more…)

(more…)

Yeah, we wished we’d thought of that. Though SEC officials have performed on-field abortions on no fewer than three occasions this year, so this story flies in the face of established evidence.

Penn Wagers, seen here preparing to counsel unwed mother Andre Woodson.