HORNSBY BOOTED
Jamar Hornsby gets the boot from Florida. For once, Urban Meyer does not think the punishment is harsh.
“He is not part of our program,” Meyer said in a statement.
Bra-fucking-vo.
May 10, 2008
May 9, 2008
FULMER CUPDATE: THE DEAD FINANCE YOUR SUBWAY RUNS EDITION
When a teammate dies tragically in an accident, you mourn. You listen. You hold those around you close and share the unbearable pain of loss. You take one of the dead people’s credit card and use it to buy shit for six months. You get arrested for it when the parents notice their dead daughter has been buying stuff for six months despite being dead.
Jamar Hornsby: creative financing available.
Jamar Hornsby of Florida followed this unique plan for mourning the loss of a teammate and a Florida student closely enough: somehow, after the death of Florida walk-on Michael Guilford and Florida student Ashley Slonina in a motorcycle wreck in October 2007, Slonina’s credit card ended up in the hands of Hornsby, who then revered the memory of the young lady by purchasing goods on the credit card for six months. Slonina’s parents finally noticed recently, and an investigation led to the beyond-classy Hornsby.
OS: Extra icing, please thank you very much life?
Life: Three scoops coming up, sir.
The card abuse started Oct. 13, 2007, the day after the girl’s death, according to court records and involved a BP gas card.
Ah, thanks life. You never force us to make things up, instead just giving us real and improbably terrible things. Hornsby is charged with credit card theft and fraudulent use of a credit card, which we imagine are both felonies. That’s three points times two for each felony charge plus the bonus point for using a dead girl’s credit card the day after she died and with one bonus point for it being a Florida Gator and therefore homer-shameful to us personally, and we take that to eight points for Florida, putting them on the big board in a fashion so tacky no amount of exponents can cover it.
Oh, and you there, we’ll say it for you “WAAAAAAHHHH you’re giving Florida points because you want to win.” Mr. Astoundinglystupidworth, if using a dead girl’s credit card the day after she died only gets two bonus points we should consider ourselves lucky for only getting eight points. Redux: you don’t want to win this thing. It’s not good. Perhaps that’s a point worth repeating from time to time: it’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. It’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. By the way, it’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. For further reference, see: “Fulmer Cup: not good,” or the Wikipedia entry “Fulmer Cup: Bad.”
Extra fun update! How did Hornsby get the card? Simple. He took it when he was helping clean out the apartment with Joe Haden the day after the card owner died. Ashley Slonina. Joe Haden’s girlfriend. The dead one. Oh, Jebus this is sad.
THE CORRECTIONS, 05/08/2008
Monday’s profile of Alabama athletic director Mal Moore listed online roleplaying games among his many hobbies and described him as a “tenth level Elf-Dragon”. Mr. Moore is actually an extremely accomplished paladin, and there is also no such thing as an Elf-Dragon. We regret the error.
Roll Tide!
On Tuesday, we reported that the University of Tennessee had, following the firing of Johnny Majors, considered attempting to hire Florida coach Steve Spurrier to replace the longtime Vol coach. This was inaccurate; Tennessee made no such attempt, a point clarified to us at great length in a phone call from Tennessee officials earlier this week. The candidate Tennessee wanted most to replace Johnny Majors was not Spurrier, but rather country music legend David Allen Coe. We regret the error.
Monday’s continuing series on the struggle to rebuild Columbus following last year’s Ohio State-Michigan victory celebrations misidentified an image as a neighborhood just south of campus. The photo in question is actually of a Beirut bomb crater. We regret the error.
O-H!
Monday’s “Where Are They Now?” segment featured a collection of inaccuracies we would like to address here. Purdue is located in West Lafayette, Indiana, not Louisiana. The Heisman Trophy was, until 2001, awarded annually not at Radio City Music Hall, but at the Downtown Athletic Club. And finally, Eric Crouch played at Nebraska, not at Iowa State, and at no point in his adult life fought a crippling addiction to drinking window cleaner he consumed to quiet the voices of relentless murder in his head. We regret the error.
He does, however, have unusually silky dark brown hair and particularly delicate, almost feminine eyelashes his female friends just can’t stop gushing over. His secret pride in this forces him to question his understanding of his own masculinity.
The Tuesday Grid-Iron Crossword had an ambiguous clue under “14 letter word for former coach at Texas A&M and Mississippi State.” Both the words “Jackie Sherrill” and “Piglickingcheat” fit the slot in the puzzle, causing some consternation among our readers, especially as “piglickingcheat” contains more letters than “Jackie Sherrill.” We regret the error, and clearly have no place assembling crossword puzzles in the first place.
A Wednesday evening news flash reported that former Kentucky coach Hal Mumme was among a band of notorious pirates captured by peacekeeping troops in April off the coast of Mozambique. Mr. Mumme has since been located, and apparently serves as the head football coach at “New Mexico State University”. We regret the error.
The lead story “Sean McDonough: Announcer at Large” on Monday inaccurately described McDonough as being “three apples high.” This refers to the apocryphal height of smurfs, not McDonough. The announcer himself is easily five apples high, and will kick a fucking Smurf in the teeth without hesitation, especially if shirtless white-pant wearing punk suckas walk up on him and take him seven-on-one again like they did after the Continental Tire Bowl BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF PUNK SHIT YOU FRENCH SURRENDER MIDGETS PULL, DON’T YOU SMURFS? WHAT? HUH? YEAH! GARGAMEL AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS! BRANG YO BEST, LAWYA!
We regret the error.
Our lead post on Thursday stated that an EDSBS staffer was critically injured after being lured into an open rain gutter with promises of a shiny balloon. The report further named the assailant as Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt. The perpetrator has since been correctly identified as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. The Turtle cannot help us, and we regret the error.
CURIOUS INDEX, 5/9/08
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Never forget to twist the knife. Even in the article about his induction into the college football hall of fame, John Cooper gets this in his headlines in the Detroit Free Press. Ohio columnist: John Cooper, despite 2-10-1 record vs. Michigan, deserves Hall of Fame nod. Honey, love of my life, let us be buried together forever–even though that hot Cuban guy I slept with in Miami in college had a horsecock, and brought me pleasures you have never dreamed of giving me in bed. I really do love you best, Your Wife. Remember that one of the most savory points of fandom is never forgetting anything that happened ever unto death. Excuse us: as Florida fans, we have to work on taunting Miami fans about the only thing we can taunt them about, “The Flop.” Myopic’s the only way we do, baby. Hunglikehussain on our SN APR piece: Back to the subject at hand. Orson, it is easy to criticize and abase a statute. Instead of myopic ranting, double the height of your soapbox. Really, if we are in a “Hyde Park cyberspace”, what are your proposals/solutions? Welcome to one of the difficulties of column writing: at 700 words, you hit the ledge of formal limit and usually skitter some of your better stuff into the canyon below. The piece diagnoses the central problem of the APR, which is the eventual pruning of programs from Division One due to poor academic progress. (And to counter another comment, no, it’s not intentional. It’s the byproduct of many hands creating a compromise policy with unintended effects; see “no sinister volcano lair” qualifier in graf 10.) Solutions? We’re not into silly metrics like the APR, especially when unevenly applied. However, if you insist on having one, make sure the mechanism includes viable mechanisms for recovery from poor academic performance and the ability to re-enter D-1 following a period of “demonstrated improvement.” Otherwise, we’d be fine not having one at all, or even–gasp–having a non-quantitative review process not dependent on one silly, easily manipulated metric. This approach, however, requires both work and sense, commodities as rare as pickled unicorn eggs. Analysis is for the bluecoats. When it comes to a color announcer, Bobby Bowden wants a PR man first. “Your job is to be a PR man,” Bowden said. “You’re getting paid to boost FSU up. It’s not a high school offense. Some things, you don’t say.” We suspect that if he had his way, Bowden would have Terry Bowden still pulling the strings of what he would like an announcer to call “a sophisticated but hard-nosed offensive scheme that has yielded amazing results for the ‘Noles.” City Boyz, Inc.: gone, but not forgotten. We’ll mourn ya till we join ya, City Boyz, Inc: Iowa clamps down on Facebook and other social networking sites. Kevin of Fanblogs almost died. Lessons learned: always carry aspirin, don’t ignore chest pains, and make sure your wife is awesomely composed. All of these will help you survive a heart attack along with some judicious use of Google at the right time. (We’re not joking when we type that, nor when we say we’re all too happy you made it, Kevin.) |
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May 8, 2008
APR: CLUSTER-BOMBING WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES
Inadvertent or not, the winnowing down of D-1 football to a Premiere League begins with the APR. Columnage hyah at the SN.
Oh, and in unrelated news, Chile knows how to throw a death-party:
Either that’s a volcano and thunderstorm going off simultaneously, or we’ve just found exclusive pictures of Nick Saban’s new office. More photos here.
DAN HAWKINS TO DEFEAT APARTHEID IN COLORADO
Hawkins needs this outfit–especially the stick.We really, really like Dan Hawkins, though it’s the kind of like you have for your daffiest professor or most energetic neighbor who, after completing their 5:00 a.m. run and eating their carefully measured breakfast of berries, whole grains, and egg whites, comes over to your house to bring you a perfectly carved Chinese dragon he whittled out of some driftwood he just had laying around the workshop, you know.
Hawkins spoke with the John Lynch Foundation in Denver on Wednesday at a even referred to in the Rocky Mountain News as “Lynchfest,” a name we guarantee you will never see for any event in Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and a number of other states. Hawkins announced not only that Colorado will win a national title, they will do it in holistic and non-apartheidish manner.
“One of my heroes is Nelson Mandela. He has a word, it’s called ubuntu. And ubuntu kind of embodies the whole mentality that we’re all in this thing together,” Hawkins told the group.
Wait, there’s this, too: Hawkins is into Linux! Internet libertarian Paultardian dorks, you have your football program chosen for you.
(HT: Matt.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 5/8/08
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Brennan Carroll’s video being used in negative recruiting? Shocking. Who can stop such skullduggery in the increasingly contested LA recruiting wars between Pete Carroll and COACH Rick Neuheisel? Whoever harnesses the power of homeless James Bond–that’s our guess. Joe Hamilton, former Georgia Tech qb and coach this season for the Jackets, resigns following his arrest for hit-and-run and DUI. The article from the AP points out that Hamilton did excel even in his arrest, failing not one but “a series” of sobriety tests. Champions do what champions do: excel, even in their darkest moments. You want to live in Mike Leach’s world and you must admit it. Mark Schlabach gives you your offseason wacky profile of Leach, this time with new information about Leach’s fondness for expertly-wrought imitation art: After meeting Horn at his second-hand store, Leach persuaded the artist to paint a portrait of college football’s most unique coach. Last month, more than two years after the initial meeting, Horn showed up at a Texas Tech practice, carrying a portrait of Leach wearing a large straw hat one might wear in the French countryside. The painting is now the centerpiece of the Red Raiders’ war room. “I was hoping he’d cut my ear off,” Leach said, referring to a later self-portrait of van Gogh that included the painter’s bandaged left ear. We’re unsure whether Leach means “cut my ear off (in the painting)” or “(really with a sword) cut my ear off.” The fun part with Leach is that it could be both. Living to win, Thursday edition. Alabama State gets accused of 668 rules violations. Wait, wait: that doesn’t look right. Editing… Alabama gets accused of HOLY FUCKING SHIT 668 MOTHERFUCKING RULES VIOLATIONS. That looks much better. Somewhere, Barry Switzer’s dong just swelled with excitement. If you just became sickened by this thought, you’re normal, and good for you. if you just became aroused by this sentence, you’re either an Oklahoma fan or you like the rough, dangerous bad-Daddy type, and we can’t stop you from doing that or from thinking Gene Hackman is dreamy, you sick bastard, you. Nick Saban is surprisingly horn-free. Nick Saban is, shockingly, not an actual demon in person. Check out Troy Johnson’s lead, though, and nod along with us: I shook hands with Alabama football coach Nick Saban on Monday and am happy to report that his firm grip was not applied by a tentacle, a talon or a cloven hoof. Yep, five fingers per hand. Just like the rest of us. Tentacles in the lead? We like the cut of your jib, sir. You have your choice of Tussin cocktail or Sailor Jerry (the j is silent) shots on us. (Sailor Jerry: the downsized Captain Morgan, a recession rum for us all!) |
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A MOMENT, PLEASE
We’re finishing up a column for the SN, and need to make sure that the thing, you know, is fact-ish. The CI will be along in a moment or so.
In the meantime, please accept Noel Devine rabbit-hopping all over the field as a substitute for actual content.
HT: WBGV.
May 7, 2008
RETROTUBE: DERRICK RODGERS GOES BONKERS
Let us praise men who, like many of us, peaked in college. Step forward, Derrick Rodgers of Arizona State: your three tackles, seven assists, one sack and safety don’t tell the story of how insanely unblockable you were against Nebraska on September 21, 1996. Watch. Tip hats. Goggle your eyes at Nebraska giving up three safeties in one game.
Pat Tillman’s back there at linebacker as well, along with Mitchell “Fright Night” Freedman, who decided to live up to his name by pursuing a post-football career in sexual assault.
YOUR PROFANITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN TENNESSEE
Fuck you, Fulmer!Tennessee fans’ attitude toward Phil Fulmer is much like their unique body odor: a layered, complex aroma of pungent, angry deer musk, sweet cinnamon bun odors from breakfast, the smoky country ham odor from lunch, and the angry bite of moonshine on the breath from the liquid dinner. It’s hard to discern whether Tennessee fans are done with him and waiting for something better to come along, affectionate towards him because of the past, or stuck in a muddled, hammy mix of the two.
Except for this gentleman, of course.
A Signal Mountain man is facing an obscenity charge after displaying a sign on his car.
A sheriff’s deputy who made the arrest said Jeremy Boyd Eaker, 20, of 7717 Sawyer Pike, had a sign reading: “F— you, Fulmer.”
The newspaper, because they filter reality into soft little edgeless nuggets for the fire-god-fearing mouthbreathing mer-tards who make up 72% of humanity, could not type the word “Fuck.” That’s just a guess: we would not be surprised if “F—” would get you arrested in Tennessee. Either way, we’ll start a defense fund for the guy if you like us to. One paypal account against oppression at a time, internet soldiers. If a gentleman can’t put a crude, handpainted sign telling a football coach to go ride porkpole in his front yard, then what do we live and die for, dammit?
SCENE: AN ALABAMA VIDEOCONFERENCE
A young recruit walks off the field from spring practice somewhere in the Sun Belt. Two men in black approach him.
Come with me, young man.Man in black one: Son, please come with us. Coach Nick Saban of the Crimson Tide would like to not have a word with you, virtually speaking.
Man in black two: It will only not take fifteen minutes or so.
Recruit: Um, he can’t leave, right? That’s in the new rules. He’s not…
Fear creeps into his voice. He looks left, right, waiting for an unseen eavesdropper who never appears.
RECRUIT: He’s not…here, is he?
MIB1: Not in one way of speaking.
MIB2: And yes, in another way of speaking.
MIB1: He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. Remember this. (more…)
THE LIST OF SUPERB THINGS: THE ECONOMIST
Long have we yearned for the right measure of praise for the Economist, our favorite magazine in the universe. After all, they combine airtight prose with ruthless cold sense and snarkily captured pics: everything we aspire to be and will never, ever be. They also make covers like this, for which we love them and would willingly massage all of their black-socked feet:
Someone has beaten us to it. If that’s the price to pay for being well-informed, then too fucking bad. SIR–this rules. Thank you, Orson Swindle, Atlanta, GA USA.
WE DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE POWERS
We have a confession to make: inside our heart, there’s malice. And, hopefully, blood. And, if you look hard enough, a pang of regret because we made a bet this weekend that came back to haunt us. No, it did not involve gay sex, $137,329.93 in unmarked bills, and Marvin Harrison’s gun. No, we bet on a horse in the Kentucky Derby–and Kanu will be happy to corroborate this–and came damn close to picking the upset special.
Oh, look: here’s a picture of how that all turned out!
Yes, that was EDSBS’ horse.
We bet on Eight Belles to win, and our confidence in the horse and proxy bet of ten American dollars resulted in a horse getting aced on the track, a horrified throng of fans weeping openly, and NBC directors hanging themselves in the booth trying to balance the horror of a dying thousand pound animal on the track with the need to mention YUM! foods and you know, the really happy people who actually won the race.
In short: we have powers. We didn’t ask for them, but they’ve been given to us. Further evidence follows of our sadiM touch, the misfortune passing things we interact with casually, in list form.
Summer 1990: We go to our first concert: Stevie Ray Vaughn and Joe Cocker. In August of 1990, Vaughn dies in a helicopter crash. Shortly thereafter Cocker is found dead from an autoerotic asphyxiation.*
1999: We go to Nepal; shortly thereafter, the Prince goes nuts, kills the whole family, and the country is seized by a Maoist insurrection.
2008: We cover the SEC basketball championship. A tornado hits the Georgia Dome.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re not a scientist, but if that isn’t a trend we don’t know what is. Clearly, our very interest in something decrepifies it instantly. Therefore, we ask: how should we best focus our malicious energies this fall? A few suggestions we have pop into mind:
Wagering that Florida State will win the national title. And continuing to wish Bobby Bowden success in the glorious last victory through the ACC!
Betting on Bobby Petrino to finish almost the entire season as head coach at Arkansas. Really, he’s like a tree now, roots and all.
Taking a fifteen dollar prop bet on Ohio State to get to the national title game versus a five loss SEC team and lose.
How else should we use these unintentionally harmful powers of ours? Besides betting on the Florida defense to definitely give up over 330 yards of passing a game again? Let us know in the comments. Seriously: we’ll take donations NOT to bet on your team to do anything substantial. The effect is real: just ask South Carolina, who got crazyfaced with last year before watching them wallow in mediocrity in an impressive second-half slide.
*Or is still alive. Who’s got time to look?
CURIOUS INDEX, 5/7/08
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The proletariat will rise, and you will beat the guts out of them at homecoming. San Jose State coach Dick Tomey called the APR “class warfare” on smaller schools like San Jose State, who will be docked nine scholarships and four hours of practice time weekly due to their struggling APR. “There’s such a difference between the B.C.S. schools and those who are not,” Tomey said. “I don’t think it’s an intended difference, but it highlights financial things like not being able to throw money at the problem and solve it very quickly.”
As part of college football’s Urban Haute Bourgeoisie, we light a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to get begging, urchins! Our carriage needs a lithe young rapscallion like yourself to clear the pigfilthy streets of this town for us, lest we get poor germs on our hansom! The little sweep-boy may have a point: of the 37 football programs hit with penalties by the NCAA, only two were from BCS conferences (Kansas and Washington State. The apt metaphor for this may not be class warfare, even if Moscow’s involved. The better analogy for this may be No Child Left Behind: schools performing badly are sanctioned, then sanctioned again, and given little recourse–and even less if they have no swing or political clout within the NCAA. The Wiz is all over the particulars, including more Entertaining Fun with Mike Stoops, who loses football games and whose team has the lowest APR among BCS teams. Pete Carroll thinks you’re lazy. Saban’s videoconferencing to get around the new recruiting rules, which Pete Carroll ascribes to sheer laziness rather than an interest in the recruits’ well-being: “I don’t want to sound like a jerk,” Carroll told The Sporting News, “but other coaches… they’re just lazy.” If Saban is videoconferencing, rest assured Pete Carroll is visiting recruits on the astral plane and bypassing this pesky technology. Welcome to UCLA. Physical therapy included. UCLA’s having a positively Iowa-esque injury plague this spring, and it’s not just with the returning starters at quarterback. Walk-on running back Craig Sheppard had surgery to replace the AC joint in his shoulder and will be out 4-6 months. In addition to this, starting qb Ben Olson just had a screw put in his foot, backup Patrick Cowan is out for the season, and JUCO Kevin Craft will have to have his head bolted back to his shoulders sometime around the end of September. Get in on the ground floor of UGA hype: Tony Barnhart has them at number one. No pressure! [/hurling cursing mindbolts with all our might and watching Knowshon Moreno dodge them effortlessly.] |
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May 6, 2008
IT’S APR DAY! GIT DOWN, SUCKA!
The NCAA released the APR today, the Academic Progress Report, the NCAA’s opportunity to seize the spotlight and do what it does best: issue press releases.
The NCAA’s Academic Performance Program (APP) is creating positive behavioral change among Division I institutions, according to new four-year data released May 6.
The multi-year Academic Progress Rate (APR) data – with four years of data collection available for the first time – show upward trends in several categories, especially from 2005-06 to 2006-07.
GET DOWN, PARTY PEOPLE! GET DOWN!
We’re still digging through the data for this year, made even more fun by the NCAA’s propensity for releasing a press release on one page, a commentary on another, a spreadsheet here, a comprehensive list hosted on a Russian Military server and only accessible via several hours of white-knuckle hackery. Fortunately, the Indy Star has them all compiled nicely for you so you can revel in the uproarious ironies of a system where the University of Florida’s football team is on par with the United States Military Academy’s team in academic performance, and where Eastern Kentucky pwnz them both.
In the meantime, the only penalties of any relevance to college football go to Kansas and Washington State, who will suffer scholarship losses due to underwhelming APR scores. NCAA, beware: Mark Mangino will have his real estate agent call you to voice his displeasure with your metrics!
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