Urban Meyer joins us for a quick interview.

Orson: Coach Meyer?

EDSBS: Thanks for joining us Coach Meyer. We want to start with a simple question: given the lackluster performance in the Tennessee game and the resulting ennui in the week after the game, and the shortcomings at receiver, and the mild panic over the offense’s lack of production… (more…)

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DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

It’s Tennessee/Florida, and therefore creeping death time. We’ll be all but useless for the next three hours at least, but feel free to make coherent and incoherent comments below.

So let it be written
So let it be done
I’m sent here by the chosen one
So let it be written
So let it be done
To kill the first born pharaoh’s son
I’m creeping death

Substitute “the defensive coordinator’s son” and it’s perfect. Inshallah, we shall see you covered in glory and the blood of the enemy on the other side.

#11 Ohio State @ Toledo
Ohio State IS Johnny Cash IN Walk the Line. Jim Tressel, you can’t just keep doing the same songs over and over? And you sure as hell can’t do it in front of a rabid crowd of people who’ve killed people? You are incorrect, record executive/football pundit. Sweatervest will trot out his shufflin’, two-note bass line lovin’ Tennessee Trio of an offense again and again until someone puts his head in the John Cooper memorial guillotine, confidently plowing ahead with convention in front of an audience condemned to imprisonment. (more…)

1. Catfish are wily. You know why some catfish grow to be a godzillion feet long under riverbanks, undisturbed for decades on end? Because they’re clever motherfuckers, that’s why. Won’t win any Academic All-American honors, but the catfish’s ability to quickly and accurately distinguish between friend and foe would prevent situations like, say, staring down and throwing directly to a UCLA cornerback when there’s a wide-open receiver ten goddamn yards away.

2. The physicality of a catfish is ideally suited to the Tennessee offense. We’re not asking for much this year. We have a stable of fine tailbacks, a depleted receiving corps, and a talented but overwhelmingly injured offensive line.   (more…)

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The weekend’s viewing agenda.

ORSON (Columbus):
USC at Ohio State. Somebody’s getting pooped on.

HOLLY (Knoxville):
UCLA at Tennessee, live in Stabbovision, preceded by a moonshine party (really) and followed by whatever’s on after we stagger back westside, so that leaves USC’s trip to the Buckeye cesspool and a rapid collapse into slumber. Prost!

Kenny Chesney: Some beach, somewhere, being eaten alive by scorpions. C’mon, Secret, make us believers.

Your own viewing intentions, beverages, and slanderous levellings at young master Chesney below. Saddle up, ramblers.

Syracuse @ #7 Penn State
Holly: Greg Paulus IS Number 5 IN Short Circuit. No, he really, really is. Goofy-looking, endearing yet annoying, probably struck by lightning at some point. Penn State beat Akron last week, which tells us precisely ZIP. (seewhatIdidthere) Syracuse lost in overtime to Minnesota, which…tells us more about Syracuse than we think they’d be comfortable with. No disassemble, JoePa! (Whether that refers to Coach Brontosaurus’ ailing joints or the job Penn State is about to do on the wee Orange, we leave to you to decide.)

Orson: Greg Paulus IS Ed Norton IN The Score. Maybe you don’t remember this movie, but you might remember the most memorable line from its turbulent making when Marlon Brando, his cheeks stuffed with raw ground beef and Fritos, told Frank Oz “I bet you wish I was a puppet so you could stick your hand up my ass and make me do what I want.” Doug Marrone certainly wishes this were true of Paulus, who will be starting his second game after fleeing his puppeteers and going disastrously freelance with an overtime pick against Minnesota. Marrone would even forgo the sterile sleeve and just shove his hand right up the old chow-slough–for that personal touch–if it meant a risk-averse performance from Paulus/Norton, but even that and another solid performance by Syracuse’s suddenly feisty defense can’t prevent Paterno/DeNiro from using the youngster’s worst instincts to his advantage. Like the movie, the old man hoodwinks Syracuse out of a close victory. The similarities don’t end there, either, as both movie and game will suck just a little bit to watch.

Fresno State @ Wisconsin

Holly: Bret Bielema IS Ray Nicolette IN Out of Sight. This game will feature, in no particular order: Offensive ineptitude, defensive ineptitude, fratty assholes in law enforcement shirts, and probably won’t end without somebody’s ass getting locked in a trunk. Wisconsin is favored by 8.5 here, which is awfully generous for a team that had to “rally” to “beat” “Northern Illinois”. Calling the upset today: Methheads West over Methheads Midwest. The real winner? Whoever’s showing a game on a competing network.

Orson: Pat Hill IS Clive Owen IN Closer. Oh, it may be ugly. You might go flirt with someone else for a while, victory, but ultimately you’ll outfox the younger, more privileged contender for your affections and bring you back on your knees, both because you don’t care how ugly it looks as long as you win. Now touch your toes to the floor, bitch, and do it in front of 70,000 blind-drunk Wisconsin fans. (more…)

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