Lane Kiffin sometimes goes on runs before games. He claims he gets lost…or does he go somewhere else entirely? (Around the 10:00 mark)

KIFFIN jogs down a wooded Tennessee lane in the morning mist.

Kiffin: I got that boom boom wow/ tan checks and plaid turnstiles/ I’m coaching them up wow/ boom boom boom boom boom how…boom boom BOOOOOOOM…

KIFFIN notices he is lost.

Kiffin: Uh-oh. This looks as unfamiliar to me as

A bright light explodes from the sky above him. A charismatic man with flowing hair appears above him. The smell of Stetson cologne and cigarettes is overpowering and intoxicating.

(more…)

A parallel universe. Star quarterback Mohammed Al-Tebayii approaches the stage.

Praise be to Allah and his only prophet Mohammed, and Go Gators. Madame, please cover your hair and go behind that screen. You are making me nervous with your chin and visible mouth. My religion does not approve.

Praise be to Allah that he has seen to give me so many talented teammates, the blocking to keep out infidel pass rushers, and my brother, Brandon Spikes, who crushes those who would oppose our jihad by even considering running up the middle. To Allah all praise is due.

The sword shall fall on Charleston Southern tomorrow. They stand in the way of our holy war against all that is evil in college football. May God mete out the punishment that is due to them, and let their blood water the grass of Florida Field so that its brilliant green may shine into the next week and forever.

We shall take their complex blitz packages seriously, or at least as seriously as you have to take a team that placed third in the Big South Conference last year.

They shall be destroyed, inshallah, before the second quarter’s close. Then I shall sit on the bench and wear a headset while jumping up and down enthusiastically. Let Allah be praised, and let us wreak fiery destruction upon the enemy unto our caliph Meyer’s satisfaction.

Praise to all Albert’s creation, and may God Bless You all, except the infidels here, who shall die in a fiery apocalypse of their own making. Apologies. That’s not really negotiable here.

Rich Rodriguez have press conference, make emotional statement, water get fall from eye.

Michigan football Rich Rodriguez appeared tear up as he talked about his program during his weekly news conference in Ann Arbor.

He sad. Say they follow rules. Not make player tow bus or work too hard. Go against everything RichRod teach and say. Rich Rod then discuss Western Michigan. Why you make Rich Rod sad, Freep? He appeared tear up! You feel shame Freepy. Man not made of stone. He made from man!

(Also, we have no video of the press conference yet, so the footage from Michigan’s practices will have to do.)

It’s not fair, but the resemblance to Fred Ward is stunning:

This is how you get Switzeriguez and Barwis running from rooftop to rooftop on campus, dodging huge, man-eating mutant worms Barwis shoots with an elephant gun. Also starring Reba McEntire, Michael Gross, and Lloyd Carr as “Grizzled Man with Golf Club Eaten in Opening Scene.” (HT: Keo)

Just watch Texas A&M’s synchronized beachball team and tell us you don’t think Tim Brando’s full of shit. Dancing like that comes from the heart, and this team clearly has it if that curtsying showmanship is to be believed. (more…)

Perhaps still miffed at being upstaged on GameDay by Puddles, the Harley-riding, ass-kicking mascot who works offseasons in full regalia as a Northwestern smokejumper, Kirk Herbstreit allegedly said this on College Football Live regarding the Oregon football program on Wednesday.

“Ducks are the college football version of Paris Hilton…they’re famous for no reason, they look pretty and they got a rich daddy.”

That’s a big alleged, since it comes off a “hey I heard that on College Football Live” bit no one has captured, and a nice orange man from Ohio really wouldn’t say that, would he? It is also inaccuarate. Oregon is 42-25 in the Pac-10 in this millennium, good for second in the Pac-10and has only been caught performing oral sex on tape once during the 2006 Las Vegas bowl in a humilating 38-8 loss to BYU. Oral may be moral, but not in a brutal, extramarital case like this, even if it was in Las Vegas.

Erk Russell is going to crawl his ass out from the grave and kick the frilly panties off of whomever thought this up. Seriously: start. Running. Now. If he’s inbound from Columbus where he’s buried, you have a day or two before he gets to Athens and starts beating your asses into fine pulps.

PS. We have Gatorade, and it has what plants crave. WIN.

The U.S. House of Representatives certainly has never had a shortage of complete nutcakes, but ever since former Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE) declined to run for re-election in 2006 (in favor of an ultimately unsuccessful run for governor), it has been regrettably short on former coaching legends. According to the Orlando Sentinel, though, next year the House may have a shot at bolstering its numbers in both categories: Former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN talking/babbling head Lou Holtz has been talking to national Republican leaders about the possibility of running against incumbent Rep. Suzanne Kosmas for the Congressional seat representing Florida’s 24th district. Granted, there’s probably a case to be made that Holtz couldn’t be that much worse than must of the fruit cups currently representing us on Capitol Hill, but the mere concept remains so intensely, willfully surreal on its face that there can only be one possible purpose for it: grooming a suitably bonkers running mate for Sarah Palin’s inevitable 2012 presidential campaign.

Palin/Holtz ‘12: In your heart, you know it’d be hilarious.

What kind of a representative/VP would Sweet Lou be? Well, we already know he’d be a big fat no on the Kyoto Protocols. If his continuing close relationship with Notre Dame is any indication, we can also assume he’d swing solidly to the right on all the hot-button social issues — abortion, euthanasia, the right of Michigan and Ohio State fans to intermarry, that sort of thing. As far as clues from his actual coaching career, we can assume he’d be dedicated to building a strong national defense, but that he’d also follow a fairly strict non-interventionist policy (unless you can find any evidence that his South Carolina teams mounted any offense whatsoever). As far as we’re concerned, the wild card here is health care: If he’s going to run as a Republican, the obvious assumption is that he’s against Obama’s health-care proposal, but you have take into account his unclear stance on drug benefits and his casual distribution of advice (as a “Doctor” on ESPN) that was, at best, quasi-solicited — there’s a possibility he’d be down for a lot more government involvement there than the GOP would like. (All together now: MAVERICK!)

As for potential appointments or staff members, it’s probably early to be speculating on those as well, but one name seems like a pretty safe bet: Beano Cook as assistant for national security affairs, the Scooter Libby to Lou’s Dick Cheney? Yeah, you laugh now. Just see if he doesn’t.

I’ve already had one request this morning for “Tim Tebow Song,” a YouTube music video posted by a couple of enterprising Florida fans and currently spreading like chlamydia, no doubt, through cyberspace. After consulting my What Would Orson Do bracelet, I’ve determined that he would post it, if for no other reason than to torture you all like the filthy beggars you are. Herewith: “Tim Tebow Song.”

(Hat tip/blame: Senator Blutarsky, gouging out his eyes as we speak.)

Good Idea: Their motto sucks, and Tree remains the kind of mascot you can have if your average attendee as a university is so wealthy the very act of having a mascot is an Illuminati thumbnose at the poor proles from other universities who will spend their lives bleeding money into Stanford graduates’ cash traps. Did we say Illuminati? We apologize. There is no such thing, you didn’t read that, and we’ll go type the rest of this from a constantly moving RV until things die down a little bit around here.

A good idea is expecting Stanford to take chunks out of several asses this year. (more…)