Really? Yeah, kinda, via some Fox Lubbock guy in a pink tie reporting from what appears to be an abandoned mall:

The players are stalwart enough after a game that was embarrassing even to watch, but Leach’s rapid whiplashing from “We didn’t coach well enough to beat A&M, and we didn’t play well enough to beat A&M” to “We’re not gonna listen to our fat little girlfriends” doesn’t speak to a steady hand on the tiller. Mike, Mike — don’t you know the plump ones make the best pirate lasses? And with still-ranked Kansas coming to town on Halloween, can you really afford to alienate the wench contingent of your student section?

Legarrette Blount FALCON PUNCH!!!

Video after the jump. He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.

“They’re the shit.” BLA-DOW!!!

[/concussed fifth grader punched into fountain]

“No doubt. And with the immune blast? I gotta have my immune blast, dawg.” SPLA-KOW!!!

[/48 year old science teacher punched into Banana Republic plate glass window]

It’s terrible, but if Blount’s intent was to walk a-feared through this world like Mike Tyson and Ray Liotta forever, earning calls for the National Guard for routine traffic stops because this motherfucker is totally crazy, then yeah: mission accomplished, baby. That’s WWE heel script-reading portrayed perfectly.

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It’s a national holiday and a drowsy news day besides—the kind of afternoon that makes you want to curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and the Monday Bourdain marathon on the Travel Channel, and watch a large, ardently devoted online fanbase absolutely lose their shit.

In marginally related news, please enjoy Tulsa World’s interview with Oklahoma linebacker Ryan Reynolds (emphasis ours):

Q: A lot of people thought your absence from the second half against Texas was the difference in the game. Even though you lost to Texas, you played in the Big 12 title game and the national championship game. Did it feel good to know that your knee wasn’t the difference in the entire season?
A:  Well, I don’t know about the Texas game, but as the season went on, I felt our team got a lot better. I felt if we were to play Texas later on in the season, or had a tie-breaker game or something like that, I think we would have won that game. I think we were a better team than Texas at the end of the year. I mean, I’m glad that loss to Texas didn’t have any effect on us going to the national championship. But I don’t feel like me coming out of the game was the reason why (Texas won).

Oh, where to begin? The implied statement that mid-October is too soon to evaluate the prowess of a team? After all, it’s only what, seven games into the season? The idea that losing the national title game (only the latest in an admirably solid streak of postseason choke-jobs) leaves one’s team somehow superior to a team it lost to by 10 on a neutral field, a team that went on to win its own BCS tilt? We just can’t decide. Angry Texas hordes, over to you. Arise, Army of the 45-35.

[click to enlarge]

Grab your bitch rifles, campers, and call up the local stations. BREAKING BREAKING MUST CREDIT NYTIMES OP-ED COLUMN:  Buzz Bissinger says college football fans are outlandish, and Nick Saban seems like an unpleasant fella on the sidelines!  And he leads with “I am watching the Alabama-Clemson football game. It’s a pretty good contest, actually”, so we know we’re in for a barrel a’giggles.  With apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, let’s cut this up a little:

I am just watching the crazy spectacle of it all — frenzy and bloodlust and the low rumble of moans and the high-pitch of screams. I wonder why we need any more studies showing our nation’s education system to be in the tank when all you have to do is attend a college football game.

This is still the guy who wrote Friday Night Lights, right?  How do you immerse yourself in, of all places, Texas football culture and come away with the capacity to be startled by the fervor of any fanbase, anywhere, ever?

Nick Saban is the head coach of Alabama. I don’t see much joy in Nick Saban as he coaches the Crimson Tide against Clemson, even though his team is playing rather well and will ultimately win, 34-10. I see a lot of determined marching back and forth by Nick Saban on the sidelines.

Ah, but therein lies his charm, sir.

Saban, in a rare unguarded moment of glee.

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So, yes, a Florida undergraduate posed on the cover of Playboy because, in her own words:

“There weren’t any girls from the Big Ten who were hot enough to be on the cover, so they had to pull someone from the SEC,” she quipped.

ZOWIE! It takes a special kind of person to be on the cover of Playboy: you have to be willing to be naked, airbrushed to within an inch of your life, stripped of all your personal hair through various heinous methods, and must have undergone a procedure to insert plastic bags of saline into your chest. (Gullible. Apes.)

You said titties? Please, go on.

Obviously, we have two points totally unrelated to the obvious “school poontangery supremacy” argument, one we find noxious for many, many tiresome reasons. (more…)

–Hello?

–Yes, I’m calling regarding job opening #828D. May I confirm that this position has been filled please?

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio.  Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats.  Do enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

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