Everyday Should Be Saturday

October 26, 2009

MIKE LEACH BLAMES FAT TEXAS TECH COEDS FOR A&M LOSS

Really? Yeah, kinda, via some Fox Lubbock guy in a pink tie reporting from what appears to be an abandoned mall:

The players are stalwart enough after a game that was embarrassing even to watch, but Leach’s rapid whiplashing from “We didn’t coach well enough to beat A&M, and we didn’t play well enough to beat A&M” to “We’re not gonna listen to our fat little girlfriends” doesn’t speak to a steady hand on the tiller. Mike, Mike — don’t you know the plump ones make the best pirate lasses? And with still-ranked Kansas coming to town on Halloween, can you really afford to alienate the wench contingent of your student section?

September 4, 2009

LEGARRETTE BLOUNT WILL HAVE THE FULL-CALORIE INSANITY, PLZ

Legarrette Blount FALCON PUNCH!!!

Video after the jump. He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.

“They’re the shit.” BLA-DOW!!!

[/concussed fifth grader punched into fountain]

“No doubt. And with the immune blast? I gotta have my immune blast, dawg.” SPLA-KOW!!!

[/48 year old science teacher punched into Banana Republic plate glass window]

It’s terrible, but if Blount’s intent was to walk a-feared through this world like Mike Tyson and Ray Liotta forever, earning calls for the National Guard for routine traffic stops because this motherfucker is totally crazy, then yeah: mission accomplished, baby. That’s WWE heel script-reading portrayed perfectly.

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February 16, 2009

LONGHORN MESSAGE BOARD SWARM, INITIATE

It’s a national holiday and a drowsy news day besides—the kind of afternoon that makes you want to curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and the Monday Bourdain marathon on the Travel Channel, and watch a large, ardently devoted online fanbase absolutely lose their shit.

In marginally related news, please enjoy Tulsa World’s interview with Oklahoma linebacker Ryan Reynolds (emphasis ours):

Q: A lot of people thought your absence from the second half against Texas was the difference in the game. Even though you lost to Texas, you played in the Big 12 title game and the national championship game. Did it feel good to know that your knee wasn’t the difference in the entire season?
A:  Well, I don’t know about the Texas game, but as the season went on, I felt our team got a lot better. I felt if we were to play Texas later on in the season, or had a tie-breaker game or something like that, I think we would have won that game. I think we were a better team than Texas at the end of the year. I mean, I’m glad that loss to Texas didn’t have any effect on us going to the national championship. But I don’t feel like me coming out of the game was the reason why (Texas won).

Oh, where to begin? The implied statement that mid-October is too soon to evaluate the prowess of a team? After all, it’s only what, seven games into the season? The idea that losing the national title game (only the latest in an admirably solid streak of postseason choke-jobs) leaves one’s team somehow superior to a team it lost to by 10 on a neutral field, a team that went on to win its own BCS tilt? We just can’t decide. Angry Texas hordes, over to you. Arise, Army of the 45-35.

December 15, 2008

JOHN PARKER WILSON PASS INCOMPLETE: A BREAKDOWN

[click to enlarge]

jpw_incompletion.jpg

September 12, 2008

BUZZ BISSINGER IS COMING FOR OUR WAY OF LIFE.

Grab your bitch rifles, campers, and call up the local stations. BREAKING BREAKING MUST CREDIT NYTIMES OP-ED COLUMN:  Buzz Bissinger says college football fans are outlandish, and Nick Saban seems like an unpleasant fella on the sidelines!  And he leads with “I am watching the Alabama-Clemson football game. It’s a pretty good contest, actually”, so we know we’re in for a barrel a’giggles.  With apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, let’s cut this up a little:

I am just watching the crazy spectacle of it all — frenzy and bloodlust and the low rumble of moans and the high-pitch of screams. I wonder why we need any more studies showing our nation’s education system to be in the tank when all you have to do is attend a college football game.

This is still the guy who wrote Friday Night Lights, right?  How do you immerse yourself in, of all places, Texas football culture and come away with the capacity to be startled by the fervor of any fanbase, anywhere, ever?

Nick Saban is the head coach of Alabama. I don’t see much joy in Nick Saban as he coaches the Crimson Tide against Clemson, even though his team is playing rather well and will ultimately win, 34-10. I see a lot of determined marching back and forth by Nick Saban on the sidelines.

Ah, but therein lies his charm, sir.

Saban, in a rare unguarded moment of glee.

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September 10, 2008

EDSBS “WOMEN IN PANTS WITH LIQUOR” CALENDAR: COMING SOON

So, yes, a Florida undergraduate posed on the cover of Playboy because, in her own words:

“There weren’t any girls from the Big Ten who were hot enough to be on the cover, so they had to pull someone from the SEC,” she quipped.

ZOWIE! It takes a special kind of person to be on the cover of Playboy: you have to be willing to be naked, airbrushed to within an inch of your life, stripped of all your personal hair through various heinous methods, and must have undergone a procedure to insert plastic bags of saline into your chest. (Gullible. Apes.)


You said titties? Please, go on.

Obviously, we have two points totally unrelated to the obvious “school poontangery supremacy” argument, one we find noxious for many, many tiresome reasons. (more…)

August 12, 2008

MAY I SPEAK WITH HUMAN RESOURCES PLEASE THANK YOU

–Hello?

–Yes, I’m calling regarding job opening #828D. May I confirm that this position has been filled please?

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July 22, 2008

VISITING LECTURER: KENTUCKY

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio.  Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats.  Do enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.
brooks-paul-revere.jpg

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

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June 17, 2008

CURIOUS INDEX, 5/17/08

We shall stuff sandbags with cease and desist letters. The Des Moines Register, clearly not busy doing anything else like covering biblical flooding threatening to engulf the major population centers of the state, took time out of their day to send a cease and desist letter to Black Heart Gold Pants for using this video to show the severity of the Iowa flooding before asking their readers to donate to a flood relief fund.

We’ll take our c and d letter extra-spicy, Ms. Hickman! You know, with the fancy ketchup. BHGP has their story here, Peter explains some of the finer legal points here; Holly points out that the paper sent the c and d letter despite offering the embed code on its site. Revisiting the letter….

As the copyright owner of that video, The Des Moines Register has the exclusive right to its reproduction and distribution.

…unless you give the goddamn embed code to put the video on any blog anywhere on the internet on your site. Streisand effect, work your magic! Oh, and for Ms. Hickman’s bedside table we recommend Walter Benjamin’s seminal work The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction. Uh, we mean: we’re bloggers! Can’t read! Suck it, mainstream media type! YEAH! Baba-BOOOOIEEE RULZ!

A FAT raise! Get it! Phil Fulmer gets a fat raise, according to the Tennessean via the Wiz, and says he’s good for eight to ten years more as the head coach at Tennessee. Hear that? He’s good to go for eight to ten more years, meaning he’s telling you how long he wants to be there. Almost like Joe Paterno, really, if you multiplied the mass times eight and the national titles by two.

Jim Delany likes his coffee like he likes his women: bitter, cold, and expensive. Kevin over at Fanblogs says Delany and the Big Ten Network got heaping braised slices of their own ass handed to them by Comcast in the final negotiations surrounding their contentious, three-years-plus tussle over how many households would see the network at what price. The exact phrasing, though:

Now… I don’t know about you but where I come from, having left $8.5 million dollars per year on the table isn’t just losing on a deal, it’s getting your sweet pale @ss handed to you by a beast.

The bitter won’t bother Delany, though. He’ll keep his chin up as long as he’s got his standard lunch of infant bones and field greens waiting for him, followed up by the requisite administering of the afternoon paper cuts and lemon juice chasers for the interns. The small things keep one sane, you know.

Coming soon: geeks burning very nice sofas in a controlled fashion. The possible road jerseys for Michigan are carbon copies of West Virginia’s road jerseys. Michigan fans to burn couches in controlled fashion, drink eighty dollar bottles of aged whiskey with abandon, and to cheer for new sideline mascot in orange puffy hunting vest with high-powered deer rifle, “The U.P. Militiaman.” No similarities intended.

Resurgence; we can see it. If this is who Randy Shannon is recruiting, Da U may rise again:

Senior Zach Kane, 18, of Bay View Drive was at a party about 11 p.m. Saturday when he broke a bottle over the head of a fellow teen, causing serious injuries which required at least nine stitches, Police Chief Michael G. Mastronardy said.

That’s how you do it in the 305, son. One note though: a Miami player from Jersey? Is this a reverse Schiano dynamic in practice?

June 10, 2008

CURIOUS INDEX, 6/10/2008

Jim Delany opens his mouth, stuff flies out. That stuff is the kind of puffery and agitprop lawyers who can’t stop lawyering produce constantly, like so much useless excreta from a huge, expensive gland in $400 shoes. (See Clinton, Hillary.)

From Pete Thamel’s entry on The Quad re: the question of if the retirement of Tom Hansen, Pac-10 commish, would affect the possibility of having a playoff. We’ve added contextual accents to properly clarify Delany’s thoughts.

“I don’t really think so, and I speak for all humanity and several species of beetle,” Delany said when asking if change was imminent. “I know some people have written or thought that it’s a personal agenda and when the people change the direction changes. I would say, I can’t speak for Kevin and his replacement but watch I will! but for Tom and for me, it takes a face to be associated with a position. We’re the face and the voice of our conferences and as I have mentioned previously for humanity and those neglected but important species of beetle. But you couldn’t articulate the consistent approach we’ve articulated, nay dictated, plebes! if it wasn’t shared fairly widely. It not unanimous, but, I’m saying fairly widely, and by that I mean you football-mad red state mongoloids who think dinosaur fossils are tricks the devil is playing on you. I know that’s true in the Big Ten, because I told them it was true.
We wouldn’t be able to assert the positions we’ve asserted over time if it weren’t for a lot of support for a lot of constituents, especially the beetles, who live exclusively off the rotting carcasses of Rose Bowl floats, and pay me to keep those sweet insect buffets coming every year.

Jim “D-money” Delany, everyone! Give it up! This post sponsored by EDSBS Attorney Phoenix Wright, who has an objection to something you’re thinking right now.

Addicted to Quack is thrilled at Hansen’s retirement, especially since it might free up the Pac-10 from its lame-ish television contract with FSN. ATQ hopes out loud for ESPN, but with the crowded schedule on ESPN during the season, WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR BELOVED 12:30 a.m. WAC GAMES?
You bastards, you don’t even realize you’re hypothetically taking away our San Jose State/Fresno State games, do you? Don’t make us call our local cable provider and suggest ESPNU. We have five threads of dignity left, and we’re doing our damndest to cling to them.

Thank you for flying Liberian Airways; please help us push the plane to the ramp. Lincoln Pilot Raycom, you’ll always be Jefferson Pilot to us, but the future is here now in stunning fashion: they’re going HD this fall. College football television’s own version of the Nigerian Space Program will ditch their old camera equipment–formerly used in the filming of Wild Goose Chase and other adult film classics–and go full HD. Clay is beyond stunned.

Granted, in live action it looked like ESPN Classic had just discovered the raw footage after eight years at the bottom of a pig trough, but it was there. What are the odds Raycom HD is a blank screen for the first month of the season? The answer is high, my friends, very high.

The cutaway shots of Vanderbilt Stadium’s turf during game action will look more dazzling than ever!

Bigger. Meaner. Oranger. Inventing a new comparative adjective for a website? Oregon State is capable of anything. Taunting is not advised.

Goddamned discount cadavers bit us in the ass again. Mizzou wideout Danario Alexander will be out until October with a torn ligament in his knee, and not just any ligament: it’s the zombie ligament he had grafted onto the joint in an earlier surgery.

An MRI showed that a graft taken from a human cadaver had retorn.

Two things. We’re against the use of cadaver ligaments since that’s one of the ways the global zombie invasion happens, and we want you all to know we stand one hundred percent against the undead threat to our civilization and way of life. Second, if you must use zombie ligaments, be sure to pay top price for solid gear, or this is what happens. China provides good strong ones, but the toxicity is off the charts; South America’s decent, but relentless all-night dance parties means tensile fatigue could be an issue. Don’t even sniff at the Russian market–they could be selling you rehydrated beef jerky in formalin, for all we know.

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