The Alphabetical is taking its usual toll today, adorable beast that it is. Watch Jonathan Dwyer bitchmake a Virginia Cavalier and will be along in a bit.

Pop quiz! Which of the things below were things Paul Johnson actually said about Georgia Tech’s performance this past Thursday against Miami:

1. “We’re not really good at anything right now.”

2. “It was very poor technique. I don’t know what the guy was doing, really.”

3. “It’s not legal for me to choke a player to death with his own intestines. I couldn’t do it, anyway, considering how gutless we are as a team.”

4. “If you can’t go on the snap count — the other team doesn’t have anything to do with that. That’s you.”

5. “For a bunch of engineers, we suck at counting to three.” *

6. “We had too much in. Anytime you can’t do what you’re supposed to be doing, you’ve got too much in.”

7. “I shot every tenth man after practice and donated their bodies to science, but had them rejected by the morgue due to lack of spine.”

8. Of coordinator’s Dave Wommack’s assertion that his defenders will switch to a 4-5-2 alignment for Saturday’s game against North Carolina: “We could play a 4-12-9, but it won’t matter what we play if we don’t get our face on somebody and our eyes where they should be.”

9. Of coordinator’s Dave Wommack’s assertion that he deserved to live another five minutes without being thrown into a giant aquarium filled with rats and bees: “When you assume you make an ass out of ‘you’ and me. You also get thrown into a giant aquarium filled with rats and bees for sassin’, too.”

If you answered “all of the above,” you’d be correct, though Paul Johnson actually only said 1, 2, 4, 6, and 8 in a press conference we’ll go ahead and describe as “honest, and profoundly uncomfortable. ” We’re sorry we disappointed Coach Johnson, and we’re sitting five miles away, cannot play football, and had nothing to do with the Miami debacle.

*Reggie Ball Reggie Ball Reggie Ball Reggie Ball Reggie Ball.

So I’m here to discuss the Florida Georgia game with you. That game in Jacksonville, yes. So you want it moved? Right? Because it’s…hot. Oh, you mean in this room, too? Yes, it’s somewhere around 75 degrees in here. You require an exact temperature of 74 degrees in order to not wilt? Really? Well, sure I guess we can do something about that. There, adjusted it for you. Gonna make it? Sure?

Okay! Let’s talk. You want to move the game to Atlanta because it’s hotter in Jacksonville, and because going to Jacksonville isn’t really playing at a neutral spot. Right. Does that mean Georgia might win with a greater frequency than once every six years if you move it to the Georgia Dome–

The tea? Too…what? Warm? Yes? It burned your mouth? Would you like–

Water with lemon. Of course. No ice, right? Somehow I knew that would be the case.

There you are.

So somehow moving the game from a place where the entire stadium is divided evenly, and both teams regularly fill their allotment of seats in perfect balance, and then play a game in extremely pleasant conditions in front of said balanced crowd after both teams spend a night in a hotel before the game, that this has something to do with losing 16 of 19 games since 1990 in this rivalry…even after your university ran through similar nasty streaks in similar fashion in the year leading up to this reversal?

That somehow, after 75 years of competition, this arrangement suddenly became a problem in 1990? Like this is the product of some kind of Wilson Phillips “Hold On”-influenced curse? Like, pre-1990, no problem, we’re rolling along nicely, and then BAM OH SHIT THE TOP SONG OF 1990 WE’RE DOOMED–

I know, you love that song. It’s inspirational. I sing it when things get hard, too. But if you’re telling me that pre-Wilson Phillips=Jacksonville RULZ, and post-Wilson Phillips Jacksonville KILLZ BULLDAWGZ DED, I’ll be happy to believe it, because nothing else explains it. Ray Goff can’t quite be blamed for the whole thing. Neither can Jim Donnan. You know what you’re doing and even you still can’t win with any consistency in this series–and you were the one propping FSU up in the late 90s while Bowden began to rust through his floorboards. So I know what you’re going to have to do.

The sandwiches too spicy? They’re just cucumber and white bread with a bit of mustard, but–why, yes, Coach. I imagine mustard is too spicy for some people.

Anyway, you may be a Christian, and that’s great. Because you’re going to have to kill Wilson Phillips, Coach Richt. All of them. I know, not doing that is part of the charter ten. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know they all live somewhere in California. If you’re looking for the big one, she’ll be sitting by the Grand Canyon behind a piano. I’m fairly certain she’s chained to it at all times. Otherwise, move the game to Athens on an away and away series for Florida if you like, for all Florida cares. As long as Wilson Phillips breathes in the third rate concert halls of this nation, you stand no chance to break free break free from the chaaaaaaiiiin.

Tuesday’s editorial, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist” contained a typographical error in the headline, which should have read, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist, Bitches and Bitchfisters.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Jumpstart Previews included this quote from Paul Johnson recounting his early days at Georgia Tech:

Later on that same waitress told Johnson that she had heard that the new Georgia Tech head coach was in the restaurant.

“She pointed to a guy in the corner who looked like he was about 70,” said Johnson. “I figured and wasn’t as big a deal as I thought I was.”

This was in fact Paul Johnson, only in his doppleganger form, a seventy year old goldpanner named “Liftbottom Stipplecock.” He currently serves as Georgia Tech’s offensive coordinator and lives on a spacious mat in the pedestrian tunnel under I-75 between Georgia Tech and Midtown. We regret the error.

Photo Correction: This actually is Texas Strength and conditioning coach Jeff Madden catching a cab, but it is in Minsk, not Moscow. We regret the error.

In Thursday’s “Better Know An SEC Home Remedy”, we reported that the sheen of Tim Tebow’s forehead will “soothe and smooth even the unruliest of split ends.” We should have clarified this to indicate the cure is intended for hard-to-manage human hair, not quarrelsome X receivers. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we published a report that Rod Gilmore had submitted an extensive personals application to the website “J-Date.com” even though Gilmore himself is not Jewish. This was in accurate: the website in question was in fact ConjugalVisit.com, a service for men who volunteer to service incarcerated women. “I’m a giver, and I like ‘em rough,” said Gilmore in an interview on Friday morning. “Nothing to apologize for there.” We regret the error.

In Wedenesday’s “Legal Beagle” column, we mistakenly reported that Howard Schnellenberger had settled his copyright suit with Williams Street Productions for their use of a nightly Schnellenberger household ritual in an episode of the show Sealab 2021:

The FAU coach has not withdrawn his lawsuit, and plans to “Sue the bastards ’till they bleed from their flopholes.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s Curious Index reported that Illinois’ Ron Zook ate a handful of live bees as a motivational tactic during last week’s final practice. Coach Zook’s attention-grabbing snacks of choice are digger wasps. Further allegations that he then donned a bear costume and punched a female trainer in the face were accurate, however. We regret the error.

Friday’s Curious Index did not report the news that Dan Hawkins had closed Colorado practice due to too many strategic tweaks being leaked on line. This was clearly an error, as it will make Colorado’s inability to win ten games even funnier in retrospect in December. We regret the error.

In last Friday’s  “Ask A Texas Fan: Why Oklahoma Ruins Everything”, our guest columnist reported that Sooner quarterback Sam Bradford kills the popular character Hurley on a forthcoming episode of ABC’s LOST. Bradford’s shadow contract with ABC does not extend to scripted programming appearances and he has no plans to appear on the show. We regret the error, apologize to any fans fearing the show’s season finale had been spoiled, and hope you will enjoy next week’s column, “Ask An Auburn Fan: It’s 4:45 PM And Bear Bryant Is Still Dead.”