America’s largest stadium belongs to Penn State now, thanks to litigious various-plegics. Now Michigan fans can finally point out to who was screaming “DOWN IN FRONT” all those years, though, so that much has been solved. (Oh, and if you have full use of your legs and arms and are still screaming this, we will personally smack the prints off our hands using your face for the abrasive surface.)

Wheelchair accessible seats, which take up 12 times as much room as normal seats, will be added as part of a plan adopted by Michigan officials in order to settle a lawsuit by the Michigan Paralyzed Veterans of America. The ramps and seating will be added as part of the contested $226 million dollar stadium expansion involving luxury box addition, etc, and will not therefore be too big of a deal in terms of construction.

Where it does bite: the title of America’s Most Bigassin-est Stadium. This honor, because of the reduction of seating, now belongs to Beaver Stadium at Penn State, which holds a 107,282 to 106,201 advantage over the Big House. Neyland Stadium in Tennessee would blow both of these out of the water if only officials would give up their quixotic attempt to prohibit the use of tree stands on the light poles at the stadium.

No, Rusty! Don’t shoot Tebow, you’ll only git him angry!

HT: In the Bleachers.

Guest editor Hannibal Montegna with the weekend in televised mayhem:

Southerns think the world revolves around SEC football every day of the week, and for once, they’re right. Saturday serves up three must-see SEC games that easily dominate their respective time slots: Tennessee-Alabama early, Florida-Kentucky in the afternoon, Auburn-LSU into the night. This is, literally, your long-awaited chance to spend twelve consecutive hours with half of the Southeastern Conference. Just remember: even if you make it through this most gruelling tour of the league, you’ll still be a full two teams behind Jenn Sterger’s half-day record.

Six teams from the same conference in one day? I signed up for a challenge!

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

LOUISVILLE at UCONN (8:00 • ESPN)
After losing 17-16 to Virginia last week, the Huskies are one point from a winning record. Louisville is only about sixblown assignments in the secondary away from 6-1. Watch For: Brian Brohm – for all the defensive woes, with his back against the wall at every turn all season, is still the best passer in the country.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM. FOR FUCKING FREE. DOWNLOAD THAT SHIT BEFORE…

Main Course (SEC Only): TENNESSEE at ALABAMA (12:30 • Lincoln Financial)
CBS apologizes, nation, but golf or kids’ shows or local infomercials or whatever it’s showing at noon Saturday (whatever it is, you won’t find it on the network’s primetime only schedule) is worth more to it than shuttling a pair of announcers down to Tuscaloosa for one of the best secondary rivalries in the SEC (that is, between teams with other primary rivalries, not between their respective defensive backfields. Not that that a slap fight between Simeon Castille and Jonathan Hefney wouldn’t be more interesting than Mr. Popiel or the ubiquitous Orange Clean guy). The immortal Daves get to flub their way through a non-snoozer for a change, their homespun, aggressively lo-def incompetence again enthralling a region; for the rest of the country, the joys of the SEC – that is, endless redneck jokes depressingly reinforced by crowd shots – are reserved for Gameplan subscribers only. Watch For: Spills! Chills! Impending medical bills! From the man who brought you Gainesville ‘05, Baton Rouge ‘05 and Gainesville ‘07: The Reckoning, it’s Erik Ainge on the road!

On the Other Channel…
PENN STATE at INDIANA (Noon • ESPN)
Indiana’s only national appearance will bring out the weepy angles for fallen coach Terry Hoeppner, only amped up by the 5-2 Hoosiers’ emotional quest for a bowl game and the sobering contrast of Zombie Joe across the way, who will never die. Watch For: Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis, a lankier, more accurate version of Juice Williams: he leads the Hoosiers in rushing while also sporting a 30:13 career TD:INT ratio, even if defenses of Penn State’s caliber have tended to leave him curled up in a defensive ball.

Kellen Lewis: vows to defend precious young brains of Indiana students against rampaging JoPa at all costs.

IOWA at PURDUE (Noon • ESPN2)
Two weeks ago, these two teams’ stocks were rocketing in opposite directions, with the Hawkeyes getting waxed at home by Indiana and Purdue enduring the second half onslaught of Notre Dame’s lone competent offensive outburst of the season. I think that sentence speaks for itself. Watch For: Defenders in the trail position for three straight hours. Iowa looked terrific against Illinois’ option game, which presented little downfield passing threat and failed in the fine zook tradition to line up properly on the one instance it connected on the long ball, but Curtis Painter and Co. offer no such luxuries. On the other side, Purdue’s defense is Purdue’s defense. Also: Pam Ward, natch.

(Aside on Ward. I just want to note that this article from the Washington Post in March praises her dutiful trailblazing in the booth, then includes this line:

One of Ward’s biggest fans is Mike Patrick…

This explains so, so much.)

OKLAHOMA at IOWA STATE (12:30 • FSN)
OU transitions from Texas and Missouri to…Iowa State, which provided fodder for Texas’ second half comeback narrative in a 56-3 smashing in Ames last week. Only five more years to go until ISU celebrates a solid century since its last conference championship, a tie for the 1912 Missouri Valley title. As a grandson of a now-deceased alum who wasn’t even born then, I’ve already RSVP’d: washing my hair that night… Watch For: The best team in the Big 12 against the worst. What could be more exciting?

Provincialism:Texas at Baylor (12:30, Versus), Army at Georgia Tech (Noon, Lincoln Financial), North Dakota State at Minnesota (Noon, Big Ten Network), Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (Noon, Big Ten Network), Central Michigan at Clemson (Noon, ESPNU), Miami, Ohio at Temple (Noon, ESPN Regional/Sports NewYork), Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Noon, Altitude Sports and Entertainment), Wake Forest at Navy (1:00, CSTV), Grambling at Jackson State (1:00, ESPN Classic)

LATE AFTERNOON - BUSHY. WET. NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

Main Course: FLORIDA at KENTUCKY (3:30 • CBS)
Kentucky shouldn’t have to prove anything at this point, really, and even though it probably does for the stubborn minds who still think “Scoreboard: TILT” when they see the Wildcats, this is the worst time for it to do the provin’. Auburn, Florida and LSU can all attest this season: you don’t want a tough game in this league the week after playing in a tight, physical battle of wills. Especially when, like the Wildcats last week and UF Saturday, the opponent’s had extra days to rest/prepare. Watch For: Tebow vs. Woodson: thoroughbreds in the Bluegrass State. Get it? Seriously, Tebow took Show behind Street Sense in May. He would have won, but he was late out of the gates for anointing a wayward mare with oil after he converted her and delivered her healthy filly after a torturous labor. Little Off Tackle Left is gonna be a champion some day…

On the Other Channel…
MIAMI at FLORIDA STATE / MICHIGAN STATE at OHIO STATE / CALIFORNIA at UCLA / TEXAS TECH at MISSOURI (3:30 • ABC/ESPN2)
ABC’s regional option will send most of the country to Michigan State at Ohio State:

Gaze upon your fate.

…and thus will also bear witness to the flashing neon upset bid of the day, brought to you by Allstate and AFLAC, who remind viewers to ignore the other one. Watch For: Javon Ringer, DeSean Jackson, everything about Texas Tech (especially the outrageous line splits) and…and…for the first time in my life, I can’t think of a reason to watch FSU and Miami. The East Coast always gets screwed with the ACC matchup.

SOUTHERN CAL at NOTRE DAME (3:30 • NBC)
By all rights, USC should win this game by at least nine touchdowns on its worst day, in the rainiest, most unkempt field conditions, with any of its blue chip golden children playing quarterback. The fact that I don’t have any confidence in the Trojans to win this by more than, say, 17 points is an indictment to just how lackluster they’ve been. Watch For: Grass so tall, bushy and wet, USC’s entire team will wonder how Paris Hilton ever managed to get inside a Catholic facility. Also: I’m so legitimately down on SC, it feels like it’s time for one of those “Magical Afternoons” every bad team gets against a good one. That’s not a “winning afternoon,” mind you, but it is probably an interesting one. For a while, anyway.

Provincialism: Wyoming at Air Force (2:00, Mtn), Mississippi State at West Virginia (3:30, Sports New York/ESPN Regional), Georgia Southern at Appalachian State (4:00, Mid-Atlantic Sports Network), Buffalo at Syracuse (3:30, ESPNU), NC State at East Carolina (4:30, CSTV), Stephen F. Austin at Texas State (4:30, FSN Southwest)

The Wild Card. KANSAS at COLORADO (5:45 • ESPN)
South Florida’s demise from the realm of the unbeaten leaves Kansas as the only true ‘Cinderella’ in the field, but that’s only because five of its six wins have come courtesy of Central Michigan, Southeast Louisian, Toledo, Florida International and Baylor. Colorado beat Oklahoma. This is DIVISION I FOOTBALL, BROTHER! We don’t play Baylor! Actually, Colorado does play Baylor – CU won last week in Waco, 43-23 – but you know what I’m saying: when it comes to Kansas, Mark Mangino is fat. Watch For: The off chance, however infinitismal, that Dan Hawkins challenges Mangino to join him on or in training for his half marathon, or better yet, to race around Folsom Field in lieu of overtime. If soccer can scrap its entire game to launch penalty kicks to decide a winner, college football can send morbidly obese coaches on wind sprints. Makes as much sense as putting the ball on the fucking twenty-five.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT – NO REST FOR THE WEARY.

Miles lunges for the patented “grip ‘n gnaw.” He likes ear.

Main Course: AUBURN at LSU (9:00 • ESPN)
Just like Kentucky, LSU has to be completely spent coming in here, off two straight emotional, draining finishes in consecutive weeks, and just four weeks removed from playing South Carolina in another “Game of the Week” atmosphere – this is the fourth time in five weeks the national spotlight is on Les Miles’ Tigers. Tommy Tuberville has a fantastic record against teams ranked this high, but since winning big in Baton Rouge in 1999 against Gerry DiNardo’s last team, he was 0-2 in Tiger Stadium against Nick Saban’s teams and lost to Les Miles’ first squad in overtime in 2005. Only the latter required a team gynecologist to accompany the quarterback on the trip. Watch For: It’s Auburn-LSU, legislatively mandated in both states to end – with all due controversy, where applicable, pursuant to Amendment 7-3-e, aka the “Hodson Clause” – via the most over-the-top melodrama possible. This is usually one of the five or six best games of the season: the last three have been decided by a combined eight points.

Calling this game: Mike Patrick, who’s a big fan of Pam Ward. And Britney Spears, but mainly Pam Ward.

On the Other Channel…
MICHIGAN at ILLINOIS (8:00 • ABC)
Michigan thinks it’s back after thwacking Purdue in the Wolverines’ venerable Purdue-thwacking tradition, but we don’t really know until we see the allegedly rehabbed M defense get back in the water against the athletic, spread option scheme that’s plagued it for years and drove this season to the brink of oblivion in the first two weeks. And I don’t mean just sticking a couple toes in – that’s what Northwestern and Eastern Michigan were for. Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall are real. It’s time to break out the cannonball on that shit. Watch For: It’s one of your last chances to see super hobbit Mike Hart as a collegiate. Appreciate his unstoppable piston leg drive while you still can.

VIRGINIA at MARYLAND (8:00 • ESPN2)
Did you know these two teams are a combined 10-3 with wins over Rutgers and otherwise unbeaten UConn? And they’re 4-1 in the ACC after each hung on to beat Georgia Tech in the game’s dying seconds? And the offenses are ranked 108th and 90th in total yards? You didn’t? Would you like to trade lives? I saw it in a Judge Reinhold movie. Watch For: Both teams appear to be committed to a low-risk, ground-based, defense-and-field position sort of offenses, so, you know, there’s always a chance of cutaways to the cheerleaders.

Provincialism: San Jose State at Fresno State (2:00 PT, Cox Sports Northwest), Eastern Washington at BYU (3:30 MT, Mtn.), Stanford at Arizona (5:00 MT, FSN Arizona), Northern Iowa at Western Illinois (6:30 CT, FSN Midwest), Oregon at Washington (4:00 PT, FSN Northwest), Tulane at SMU(7:00 CT, FSN Southwest), New Mexico at San Diego State (5:30 PT, CSTV)

Florida starting safety Tony Joiner was arrested for attempting to steal his girlfriend’s car back from Watson’s Towing company at 4:59 a.m. this morning. We have exclusive quotes from the police report.

Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?

Joiner: No, man. It’s my girl’s. Got towed while I was hittin’ it at the pad.

Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?

Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin’ it somethin’ fierce.

Witness One: Man, you’re stealing a car for her?

Joiner: Stealin’ it back, yeah. She’s worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.

Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.

Joiner: She’s like that. It’s like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I’m done.

Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.

Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?

Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can’t sleep ’til two. Has to work it off with me.

Witness One: I’m his roommate. I call her “Jitterbuns.” She’s sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Joiner: (Laughs.) That’s tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that’s the police. I think I better drive this car back in, ’cause my ass is going to jail.

Witness two: That sucks. You know, we’re gonna have to tell ‘em about this. They see us.

Joiner: I know. Just tell ‘em I’m all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl’s car back from Watson’s Towing at 5 in the morning, man?

Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?

Joiner: ‘Bout to find out. I ain’t sharing evidence, though!

Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!

EDSBS LIVE! EDSBS LIVE! Now with fifty percent more quality content thanks to the gents at Now Live giving us thirty extra minutes. That means you start listening at 7:30 EST now instead of 8:00 EST. Di di mao! Di di mao!

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 7:30 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST More time! More calls! More sounds of our ice cubes tinkling in our glasses.

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: To entice you in a non-threatening way, we have a very special guest tonight on what we’re tentatively calling our Freak Show: the alpha beta male of the very beta-male blogosphere, Will Leitch of Deadspin.com. We will interrogate Will about why anyone would pay attention to Illinois football, the wonders of being on ESPN’s enemies list, and how he avoided being kissed by a randy A.J. Daulerio on what we imagine was a weekly basis.

Also joining us will be The Big Lead, fine sports gossipmeisters in their own right. We will ask them if A.J. Daulerio ever assaulted them, and also test their freak quotient by asking them our illustrious four questions, presented below for all to study:

1. Who’s your favorite sporting freak ever? Priority given to college football types like Hayden Fry or Woody Hayes. However, other answers will be considered.

2. Is it harder to be weird now? Than, say, the era when Lawrence Taylor’s bar-destroying rages wouldn’t end up captured on someone’s camera-phone and on the net in minutes.

3. Who’s the biggest oddball currently in action? Mike Leach, for example.

4. What would your eccentricity be in what sport? In college football, we would down the ball after scoring a td–gently, as one would lay an ostrich egg or ticking bomb on the turf. In golf, we’d strip and dive into the water hazard at the TPC.

See you tonight at 7:30.

As sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati’s investigation of the incident, though we’re sure others in student dorms will continue “investigating” the tapes for years to come. (heh.)

You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn’t you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn’t find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?

The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we’ll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.

Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.

Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.

Tonight, EDSBS Radio reappears…

…only this time with such innovations as sound quality, a moderator for callers, and interstitial music and commercials that won’t deafen you. We’ve moved the show to the Now! Network–check the preview page here–and will have someone manning the boards for us, controlling sound quality, and exterminating all of the bugs that bedeviled the initial installment of the show.

The details:

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 8:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you, like us, need to confess to the fact that you’re going to tailgate your spring practice game like the desperate, depraved person you truly are.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Warren St. John of the New York Times and the best book ever written about college football fandom, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.

The five questions from last time have been whittled down to four questions. To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below:

1. What do you know about your team going into spring practice?

2. Better still…what don’t you know about your team going into spring?

3. What’s your offseason coping mechanism?

4. What’s a badass death?

The final question has to do something with a long running debate between EDSBS attorney to the stars Weo Lee and ourselves as to what constitutes a badass death. His prime examples:

–Brad Pitt’s death in Legends of the Fall where he fights a bear.

–This eagle:

About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power Jan. 28 after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines.

The eagle “got a hold of a little bit more than he could handle,” Wood said.

–A hypothetical he’s been refining for years where he plays a guitar solo on top of a jet that’s just dropped a tactical nuclear weapon into a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Did we mention he’s wearing a speedo and a hockey mask, too?

These will be on the exam tonight. Prepare accordingly. And hey, they’re taking us on the network despite us bringing down the overall hotness of the operation considerably. After all, Adrianne Curry is one of the hosts on the network, and she married Peter Brady. That’s uber-hott.

We’re bringing the ass factor in the neighborhood down considerably.

How did she get to be the girl checking out of rehab and shaving her head, the proverbial 2-10 season of a celebrity?

(more…)

It’s almost unanimous: Pac-10 coaches support the rumored candidacy of USC coach Pete Carroll for the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching vacancy.

“There’s not a better candidate out there, and we’d be delighted to see him get the opportunity he so richly deserves,” said a buoyant Mike Bellotti, coach of conference rival Oregon. “He’s got the experience, the talent, and the perspective of someone who’s been in the league before but understands its limitations.”

Mike Bellotti: so happy about the potential of Carroll’s departure, he might grow his winning mustache back. Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers.

Bellotti’s teams are 1-5 against Carroll’s teams, and have been outscored in those games by a margin of 146-80.

“He might want to hurry up, though,” said the Ducks coach. “They’re just signing them younger and younger in the NFL these days at the coaching level. Time waits for no man, not even Pete.”

Bellotti smiled, then paused. “But we’d miss him. Yeah, we’d miss him.”

Reaction regarding the expected rumors of Carroll to the Chargers extended across the Pacific Coast. Jeff Tedford, Cal coach, seconded Bellotti’s sentiments in a phone interview early Wednesday.”

“Really? San Diego? Wow, that would be…um, a huge loss for the league, sure. (more…)

Boldly tossing aside the evidence he’s seen from the older product of the gene pool, Houston Nutt continues to chase Dicks.

Arkansas has secured a commitment from Nathan Dick, the younger brother of current starter Casey Dick, a Texas prep all-everything whose visits to Fayetteville convinced him of his place in Arkansas. Another factor may have been the imminent transfer/doghousing/creeping malaise surrounding Mitch Mustain, former all-everything Arkansas prep whose high school coach and former Arkansas offensive coordinator, Gus Malzahn, just ditched the Razorbacks for Tulsa.

We’re building a fake Rivals page just to attract the attention of Nutt and solicit some recruiting calls. Prospective names include:

–Peter Kokkenbalz, an outstanding signal caller from West Pennsylvania.

–Luang Dong, a Vietnamese-American scrambler from Galveston.

–Jonsen Poonhammer, a Norweigian CFL qb looking to break into the pros via the Chris Weinke route.

–Seaman Cannon, a Belle Glade hurler with an explosive arm who sprays the ball all over the field with authority.

All of these will pale in comparison to the glories of late, great, lost recruit Rusty Cocklord, but that’s life. For now, all we know is that if the name makes you think of penis, it must be an Arkansas Razorback qb recruit.

Now the proud coach with two–count ‘em–two Dicks.

When sitting at home, thinking about the most juvenile possible EDSBS headlines we could possibly write, it came down to one day dream.  We knew we couldn’t force South Carolina to play Southern Cal…, so our best bet was the USC/OSU match up.  But could Oregon State possibly be the team to end USC’s regular season and Pac 10 streaks??????

 

 Well, it happened and we couldn’t narrow down the headline choices to one.  I mean, “Trojans Busted, Beavers Responsible”  is good and all, but is it a clear winner over “Beavers Turn Back Trojans In The End”… or “Trojans Denied By Beavers”… or “Beavers Defense To Tight For Trojans”. … or ”Impotent Trojans Can’t Penatrate Beavers”.  How could we possibly choose?  Oh yea, and it was like totally the biggest upset of the season and could lead the BCS into controversy…. but its really all about the juvenile wise cracks for us.