EDSBS » bea arthur

WE’RE TOO GOOD TO MAKE FUN…NO, NO WE’RE NOT.

Orson Swindle — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 21:05:34 +0000

Remember the final scene in Saving Private Ryan, where the old Ryan looks at his wife and asks her to “tell me I’ve been a good man.” We ask ourselves that question every single day, often over inane things like overuse of office paperclips, interactions with total strangers in traffic (was that a yield? And for me, or them?), and our treatment of animals. (“Definitely neglected the dog by walking them for only twenty minutes today.)

Most days, we’re pretty sure we come out on the high side of decent. However, once we saw this on Have You Met Tony? today, the ledger for February 28th, 2007 must lean into the “nay” category for our own daily Private Ryan rating. We blame society, and are entering rehab for finding glee in the following sports-related name.

Here goes:

Yourhighness Morgan is fortunate. Others…not.

ANOTHER RECRUITING LOSS YOU MUST MOURN

Orson Swindle — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 16:56:49 +0000

We have to thank reader and unofficial EDSBS staff member DevilGrad for being a friend and traveling round the world and back again to find us this recruiting name you should mourn not having on your team. Honestly, we thought the manliest name ever was Leslie Nielsen’s moniker in Spy Hard: Dick Steel. Thankfully we were nine degrees of wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen: Bearthur Johnson.

Starting defense: place at the table!!!

We couldn’t find a clip of the greatest Bea Arthur-related line ever for your increasingly inaccurately titled “Friday Youtube,” but we did find Jeffrey Ross at his most death-defying, doing Emmitt Smith’s roast. (That would be the line about Sandra Bernhard at Jerry Stiller’s roast where, after a Bernhard musical number, Ross says “I wouldn’t fuck her with Bea Arthur’s dick.” With Arthur spitting up her drink twenty feet away.)

He’s a tiny Jewish comedian in an almost entirely black crowd speaking nastiness you wouldn’t say about…well, we wouldn’t say about Bobby Bowden, actually. His two minutes on Shaquille O’Neal is comedy precision of a tactical nuke variety.

Is Jason Williams here? Well, fuck him.

CHAMPIONS.

Orson Swindle — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 05:33:22 +0000

Overwhelmed with emotion–simply overwhelmed. 41 out of 50 AP sportswriters can go choke themselves with a Twizzler right now. After five minutes, this game was out of reach. It’s not that Florida was merely good–they were flawless and magnificent like anyone who’s ever appeared on The Actor’s Studio with James Lipton. Chris Leak played a magnificent game-no Evil Chris, lurking in the shadows in the third quarter. No blocked punt, a la Auburn. No improbable decisions.

(Chris…we’re so sorry. We’re so, so sorry.)

And it’s not that Ohio State was bad–they were pathetic. Odious. Null. Reeking. Inert. They had no answer, no adjustments, no nothing. Alex Boone and Kirk Barton spent all night reaching backwards into the void where Derrick Harvey and Jarvis Moss should have been, and instead turning over to look at Troy Smith, eyes wide as dinner plates, turning away from one 270 lb. man attempting to kill him to find another 270 lb. beast running at him with 4.7 speed. His line becomes a paragraph unto itself:

Troy Smith: 4-14, 35 yards. 0 TDs, 1 INT. Sacks: 5

Heisman! UF outplayed them in every single facet of the game. No Ted Ginn excuses, no blown calls, nothing. Florida kicked ass until their toes fell off. It was like watching a small animal get crushed between two glaciers. It was like watching Roy Jones in his prime boxing an Olsen twin. It was like watching Clarence Darrow squaring off against Starr Jones in the courtroom. It was defeat, served rare, with a side of raw loss.

And for us: scoreboard, bitches. Scoreboard. We. Win.

ERICKSON TO ASU. DRINKS ON HIM!

Stranko Montana — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:06:57 +0000

So what if he went 4-8 as the head coach of the Idaho Vandals, he’s a hell of a great time at a party. Now that party is going on the road (so you may want to consider staying off them) to Tempe as Dennis Erickson is reportedly going to be the next coach of the Sun Devils.

A Vandal no more. I’ll drink to that!

STEWART MANDEL, MAN OF HIS WORD

Orson Swindle — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 20:00:40 +0000

Stewart Mandel claims Chan Gailey sux. Stewart Mandel gets screwed by the broken clock rule stating that even a mediocre coach can succeed by not firing his defensive coordinator, recruiting decently, and installing an irritable wee man at quarterback. Stewart writes:

“(he’s) still not convinced (Gailey) won’t find a way to screw it up, but if Tech wins its division, he’s off the list and a round of hot dogs are on me.”

On Saturday, Stewart’s buying hot dogs at the Varsity. He really could just wait and double down, going for the onion ring and frosted orange combo for everyone in ‘07 that Gailey will go 3-9 next year. Everyone knows that over time, Chan Gailey Equilibrium will win out.

Nonetheless, kudos and plaudits on being a man of your word, Stewart, in more than one way.

First you nut up to your bet, which we’ll make sure you do by being there on ~~Saturday~~ Friday ourselves. (HT: The 5.0 Guy)

Second, you identify yourself as being 30 on MySpace. This could mean two things:

1. You’re actually thirty, or…

2. Using MySpace mathematics, you’re really 90 years old cruising for ladies in their seventies who haven’t drained the 401-Ks yet and gotten into the catfood-eating stage of retirement. Either way, bravo on the integrity scale.

Mandel: has integrity, and potentially a thing for Bea Arthur types, too. This, btw, is not the Mustache of the Day.