Michigan @ #10 Ohio State

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Two hypothetical scenarios automatically invoke giggles of free-radical schadenfreude molecules collecting in the lungs and brain: Michigan somehow beating Ohio State this week, and Alabama somehow losing to Auburn next week.

We really don’t care who wins in either one, but the complete explosive disaster of either scenario is just brilliantly compelling to someone fascinated with crashes and explosions of all kinds. Ohio State can avoid this by playing offense against Michigan’s defense, who will give up long spectacular yards passing to a freelancing Terrelle Pryor.

HOLLY, HATEFUL BUT RATIONAL: This matchup might actually be interesting in a couple years when RichRod and Pryor are fully gestated in their new homes. Not this season, though. And not just because it’s being played in Columbus (although that doesn’t help). What does help: Michigan having a worse record than Tennessee. Hee.

Tennessee @ Vanderbilt

HOLLY, WAITING FOR DEATH: I’m sorry, the above should read “Michigan has a worse record than Tennessee until Tennessee loses to Vanderbilt, which they will. Lose. To Vanderbilt.” Except that Michigan kicks off a half hour earlier, so by the time we’re 3-8, they’ll be 3-9. This one thought will be all that sustains me tomorrow.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Vanderbilt, big against a Tennessee team in complete tattershambles. Saying anything else would spoil the delight of typing those words with a certainty approaching geological fact.


Citadel @ #4 Florida

HOLLY, INCREDULOUS: [derisive giggle]

ORSON, COMPLETELY CREDULOUS. Don’t laugh. They’ve been pointing and cameras and booming the soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean for months, dog. They ready.

Washington @ Washington State

ORSON, AVERTING EYES. Washington is a dynamic state in the Northwestern part of the United States. It has [clears throat, looks at girl he likes in back of room] the Cascade Mountains. It has the strait of Juan de Fuca. They grow lots of ap-ap-ap-ap-apples there. It is named for our nation’s first President. [realizes he has erection in front of entire class.] The capital is Ta-coma. [considers crying]

Teacher: Young anachronistic Orson, did you just copy this from Wikipedia?

Young anachronistic Orson: Um, no. I wouldn’t do that. I can tell you something…um…that idn’t in there.

Teacher: Go ahead.

Orson: They have two college football teams in division one. Washington State and Washington. [erection instantly disappears]

[END SCENE]

HOLLY, STILL STUCK ON THE CITADEL THING: I mean, there’s a point where it’s not even funny to watch for schadenfreude’s sake, am I right?

OK. Washington. What you’re going to need to do: Locate a sizable gold nugget in a tranquil Colorado stream. Book a flight to Florence, where descendants of Benvenuto Cellini still operate a goldsmith in the Ponte Vecchio. Have the oldest man there hammer your nugget into a disc, and etch “La Douleur Exquise” onto one side and “The Old Man and the Sea” onto the other. Flip that coin, and go with God. (The Old Man and the Sea represents the Huskies, natch; something tells me Ty Willingham’s pretty fucking handy with a harpoon.)

#15 Michigan State @ #8 Penn State

HOLLY, SICK TO DEATH OF NITTY KITTY BITCHING AND IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK: Christ Almighty, Penn State, put a hardtack biscuit in it already. You poor bastards with your Rose Bowl berth, how do you find the strength to go on? I could cry. Really, I could—look! Look there! A tiny tear of sympathy, winding its way—no. No, I’m sorry, that’s liquid contempt. My sincere apologies.

ORSON, TEMPERAMENTALLY BIASED. There’s something great about a tightass like Mark Dantonio gritting his teeth through a loss while his Ohio State discount clone of a team butts its head pointlessly against the wall of Penn State’s defense. When the game has concluded and MSU loses to Penn State, perhaps he will consider making them wear ties on the field, as well, just to drive the need for doing the little things perfectly a bit further into their message-bludgeoned skulls.

(If there were some way of having Michigan State face Mike Leach in a bowl game, we would pay the necessary criminal prices for this ticket. The contrast would be worth it.)

Illinois @ Northwestern

ORSON, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. Better ingredients! Inferior execution! [NAME REDACTED] fails to grab the cock of victory as he continues to run his own version of an all-local, all-organic gastropub with a palsied cook who refuses to admit both his lack of vision in one eye or inability to chop even garlic without chopping off the tips of his fingers. This is an elaborate metaphor indicating an inability to process and develop talent, but an ability to recognize the produce. It refers to [NAME REDACTED]. Pat Fitzgerald, the better coach, wins at home.

HOLLY, CRITTER-RATIONAL: I can’t ever see Arrelious Benn on the field without picturing his curious otter spirit guide flanking him. Numbers, right: The Illini are a top-20 squad in both passing yards and total yards, and they’re 5-6. Northwestern’s red zone defense is a reliable one. Benn is going home a sad otter.

#14 Brigham Young @ #7 Utah

HOLLY, NONCOMMITAL AND UNCARING: Cougars victorious = possibility of a 3-way MWC tie! Utes victorious = Boise State has some competition in the BCS Scrappiness sideshow! Either way, after Saturday we’re probably going to have to leave off mocking one team from Utah. Sorry, internet.

ORSON, GAY-ISH. We find the marriage of BYU and success in this game distasteful, and seek to redefine them as a losing team for the week because…well, if they win, then you can marry a turtle? (WTF?)

#20 Pittsburgh @ #19 Cincinnati

ORSON, CASTING PIXIE STICKS TO THE WIND AND READING THEM FOR CLUES IN THE WIND. We’ve become a convert to two notions: that Dave Wannstedt might not completely suck as a college football coach and may, yes, indeed be approaching the boundary of “good for 2008,” and that LeSean McCoy’s programming may not allow him to come off the field at any point. Both have us leaning Pitt. Throw in Brian Kelly flashing his garters at Tennessee, and the distractions only tip us further towards–gaaahhhhhggghhhh—picking Pitt here.

HOLLY, CLEARLY MAKING NO PRETENSE AT RATIONALITY AT ALL THIS WEEK: Here’s the thing about the Wannstache. He always looks furiously miserable, no matter the action on the field. It had escaped my attention that the Panthers are 7-2 because every time you lay eyes on the guy the safe assumption seems to be that something’s going dreadfully wrong.

Florida State @ #25 Maryland

HOLLY, THIS IS THE ACC-RATIONAL: No matter what we pick here, it’s going to be wrong. Even if we pick different teams, we will both be wrong. Please accept the following hand turkey as my scientific assessment of this fine ACC matchup.

ORSON, FLIPPING COIN AGAIN. Maryland won last week. This means they lose this week. The ACC is easy!

#2 Texas Tech @ #5 Oklahoma

ORSON, BEREFT OF ANY REASONS TO DIFFERENTIATE HERE. The same game has been played three times now: Texas/OU, Texas/Texas Tech, and now Texas Tech/OU. In each case, you rush the passer, and get them to make one–nay, a half of one–mistake, and the other team holds serve and gets advantage on the other team.

We stand a point with Texas Tech where people have now, in watching them disintegrate all that lays before them, forgotten how they lose: by allowing gusting breezes of points, by getting their receivers hung up in disciplined physical schemes, and by losing at the point of attack. Oklahoma can do a few of these things, and it’s at home. Otherwise, this is Robot Jox: machinery flying out of control in all directions, stray ordnance going into the stands, and all three Big 12 powers left in the rubble afterwards wondering what just happened to the national championship scene.

Robot Jox: the only appropriate metaphor for two Big 12 teams playing each other in 2008.

HOLLY, FISHY-RATIONAL: “If Texas Tech can run now, too, that’s not really fair.” Hinton says it best, which is what he’s good at. You know that scene in Finding Nemo where the heroes slowly realize they’re surrounded on all sides by jellyfish? Watching Texas Tech the last month or so feels a lot like that.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Alabama	—
2	Texas Tech	—
3	Texas	2
4	Florida	—
5	Oklahoma	1
6	Southern Cal	2
7	Penn State	4
8	Ohio State	2
9	Utah	2
10	Boise State	3
11	Oklahoma State	4
12	Missouri	6
13	Pittsburgh	11
14	Georgia	—
15	Michigan State	1
16	North Carolina	10
17	Florida State	9
18	Brigham Young	8
19	Cincinnati	2
20	Virginia Tech	6
21	TCU	12
22	South Carolina	4
23	West Virginia	11
24	Ball State	1
25	Tulsa	—

Yes, it sucks. To be frank, we don’t even like our number one at this point. Alabama’s offense has spells of crapulence, and their signature wins against Georgia, Clemson, and LSU look less impressive with each passing week of 2008 Georgia/Clemson/LSU football. (Defense: optional!)

Texas? Sure. Guesswork. It’s all just lunchmeat thrown on the asses of so many miserable groupies at this point. (PAPA ROACH YEAAAHHH!!!!) The randomized excellence of the Big 12 South right now forces us to put Texas above Oklahoma because they beat them. Otherwise Oklahoma score points like a mid-debate fired-up Christopher Hitchens on his second bottle of sherry on anyone they choose to annihilate.

The rest: hopeless. The easy crutches are all gone. Pittsburgh? Really? Michigan State? Don’t make us rank Virginia Tech, life; no please, do not make us rank them, or Minnesota, who has the thinnest 7-2 record in the nation. Michigan and Tennessee being decent made this 8 percent easier in the good old days, but now we’re left in the soup line ladling out Cincinnati and TCU gruel. Spare us a dime. This season has left us bereft of solid rankings, and a bailout is needed.

#21 Wake Forest @ Maryland

ORSON, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. Wake Forest will win because, like Indiana Jones in a fight, they will be punched, kicked, scratched, pushed face-first into something hot, and then the improbably pull victory out at the last second with a field goal, or by a safety, or by Maryland inept’ing there way out of sure victory. Jim Grobe will lose an eye, but his one-eyed visage will be the last thing you see.

HOLLY, ALSO IRRATIONAL BUT WITH CRITTERS. Let’s see, shut out last week by Al f’ing Groh…yep, they’re due. Maryland, recipient of this week’s ACC Roundelay Enjoy It While It Lasts Because It Won’t, Last That Is Tiara. FEAR THE TURTLE.

#22 Vanderbilt @ #10 Georgia

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Matt Stafford’s at 8/3 on the year, but WOOOO SIC ‘EM YOU AIN’T WILD YOU MILD: peep that 61.3% completion percentage, a barrier enormous fetus-hating hater-types said Matthew Stafford couldn’t broach. Broach this, assfaces, because if you’re looking for a handout, der Kegmeister’s not in the handout business, and after losing to the ‘Dores in Athens two years ago, neither are the ‘Dawgs. Apah-ca-leeeeeepse, Bow. (Wow.Wow.)

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. My SEC East season fantasy since about Week 4 involved Vanderbilt going undefeated until Tennessee came to town and left with what would be the Vols’ only conference win. How wrist-slashingly appropriate that would’ve been. Thanks a fuckin’ lot, Croom. Vandy collapses big against the first weapons-grade offense they’ve faced all year.

Ole Miss @ #2 Alabama
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. HammerFight of the Week: Alabama finally plays a team that can provide them with a mansome challenge on the lines, particularly on the defensive line where Peria Jerry, Greg Hardy, and shaved bear Jerrell Powe may actually make running for the Tide a challenge, thus putting John Parker Wilson into active passing mode, and thus tilting odds toward Ole Miss enough to make this interesting. Prepare crash pads around your couch to prevent injury, as you will fall off it when the Tide pass on first down. Taaaaahhhde, but close.

Portrait: Jerrell Powe.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Houston Nutt and his ragtag fleet knocked off Florida, sure, but a Florida team that was very much Not Themselves. I’m afraid Alabama will be quite operational when the Rebs arrive. Crimson Tide, and it won’t be pretty.

#16 Kansas @ #4 Oklahoma

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Oklahoma lost last weekend. Kansas has no run game to speak of and will attempt to mimic the surgical dissection of the zone Colt McCoy accomplished last week. This will not work two weeks in a row, because the Sooners are bent on obliteration. Get your disaster on, Kansas, because it’s coming whether you like it or not.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Quick, what’s scarier than Oklahoma’s offense? (No, besides Texas’ defense?) A cranky Oklahoma offense still very much in the Big XII title race thanks to the Longhorns’ strength of schedule. Our sincere condolences on your impending snackification, Jayhawks.

#12 Ohio State @ #20 Michigan State

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL BUT PREJUDICIAL. They’re essentially the same team, the kind of well-disciplined, defense and field-position-oriented teams that, were they surrounded by festive fans oozing bourbon fumes, we’d celebrate in the SEC. Alas, Pam Ward calls many of your games and you play in the land of overcast suicide skies, so we dub you the Big Ten and mock your sluggish ways. The quasi-rational thing to say would be that in a push of teams, you take what you suspect to be the better defense and the team with the quarterback that could actually make something out of nothing. BUCKEYE!

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL BUT HUMANITARIAN. No matter your particular team or conference affiliation, all right-thinking American patriotic fans of the game should be pulling for the Spartans here. The USC loss was the double-shot to the chest, a mercy kill to spare the Buckeyes and a weary nation the irritation of a third straight title game massacre. They’re still hanging a little too close for comfort in the polls, though, so time to put one in the head. (So to speak, Columbus. So to speak.)

#23 Pittsburgh @ Navy

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Ride with the devil when you bet with Wannstedt: coming off an upset of South Florida and a long layoff spells “s-l-a-c-k” like nothing else, especially given the induplicable scrum of the Navy flexbone. Gouge away, Navy, and nix this sudden attack of competence the Wannstache and Pitt have going, thus restoring the universe to its proper axis.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Both teams have one win notched that might maybekinda mean something (Pitt over South Florida, Navy over Wake Forest). But only one of them lost to f’ing Bowling Green. The other has somehow racked up the #2 rushing game in the country. That team is Navy, and Sad Wannstache will be the order of the day.

Miami @ Duke

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Duke was absolutely muscled around the field by a larval Georgia Tech team made up of players who, though immensely talented, cannot blip around the field one-on-one like the players Miami can put two-deep at every position on the field. The pony trick with Miami is that once you remind them of this, they make unbelievably breathtaking mistakes at every turn. Oh, and Patrick Nix is their offensive coordinator, and thus expert in blunting a team’s chances no matter the situation. Duke to cover, but not to win.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL. With four ranked teams remaining on the schedule and three wins to their name, Duke needs all the help it can get as far as bowl eligibility. Picking them here because the idea of David Cutcliffe taking the Blue Devils to a bowl game while Phil Fulmer sits at home in January is morbidly delightful.

Mississippi State @ Tennessee

ORSON, IRRATIONAL.

Croomed. Learn the vocabulary of the people and speak their language when you address them. Time. Mar.Ches. ON ON ON ON.

HOLLY, SEC-RATIONAL. Appallingly similar stats aside, I think we survive this one, because Croomings fall to teams that might otherwise matter. It’s in the nature of Missy State to throw wrenches where they’ll do the most damage, so look for them to upset the Crimson Tide in November instead.

#11 Missouri @ #1 Texas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Missouri hasn’t been exposed, but they’ll have a different hole to plug this week: the porous defense not fully exploited by Oklahoma State last week. Colt McCoy carries the first half by keeping up with Chase Daniel’s pointsapalooza; the defense carries the second half when Muschamp dials in the adjustments and suffocates Daniel. Sergio Kindle is hungry for ribs, and will be dining on them in the backfield. (Meat supplied by 35 year old pizza delivery man bringing the beef.)

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL BUT WITH A REALLY GOOD POINT. Longhorns, you don’t know them very well, I know, but trust me—you don’t want to live in a world where Alabama is the top-ranked team in the country. Half of the actual state of Alabama concurs. Don’t fuck this up for the rest of us.

#13 LSU @ South Carolina

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL ELL-ESS-YOUUUUU, mostly because Les Miles will start with an onside kick EVEN IF LSU RECEIVES. How this can happen, we don’t know, but he’ll find a way.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL. Picking South Carolina to knock off LSU solely because Garcia’s slated to start would be just crazy, right? Crazy like an SEC school with a perennially drunken fanbase that employs a live tiger as a mascot!

Eric Moncur will not have the opportunity to “introduce himself” to Thaddeus Lewis. His surgically repaired sports hernia is still bothering him, meaning he won’t get to sack the ‘Cane-compatible Thaddeus Lewis on Saturday versus Duke. This is all just a roundabout way of justifying a video of Sean Glennon being elbowed in the head by Moncur, a move which is reprehensible, illegal, should have been called a penalty, and is still kind of awesome in its own thuggish right.

HT: The ever-tasteful Lt. Winslow.

Would you like to rephrase the question? And how do you think your ex-wife’s sex life is? Tommy Tuberville actually got this brilliant question posed to him by a reporter for the Palm Beach Post in his conference call:

Reporter from Palm Beach Post: “Hey coach, how are you today? Just wondering, what is your impression of the job Nick Saban has done at Alabama and what’s it been like for you guys being kind of passed by Alabama as the top team in the state?”

Tuberville: “Next question.”

Ask him about something less sensitive, like how his recent hernia surgery’s healing, or how excited he is to be looking at a freshman quarterback as a potential starter. Those are both more pleasant topics, we’re sure.

Texas A&M: Literal Bat Country. Texas A&M AD Bill Byrne is your dream AD in one respect: every week he goes online and writes a thorough, candid, and astonishingly detailed summary of how things are going in the universe of Aggie athletics. It’s tremendous work on the communications front, and addresses even the smallest details of fan concerns. Take the issue of bat shit: he’s on it, mostly because the official flying mammal of the state of Texas–the Mexican free-tailed bat–roosts at Kyle Field. (Texas has an official flying mammal. You’re welcome.)

These bats help us by eating a lot of bugs around the stadium, but unfortunately, what goes in also comes out. We have crews which spend hours each week power washing Kyle Field and the Zone Plaza specifically for bat residue.

Byrne also addresses the issue of ass-size-to-available-seat ratio, and includes this deathless sentence:

For those who have thought about bringing the seat from your bass boat, the answer is no, unless it’s less than 16-inches wide.

Smart Football does the splits. Another superb article from Smart Football, this time on offensive line splits and the impact they have on your health, wealth, and life in general.

Our favorite sportswriter next to “Hardcastle Womantamer?” This guy.

Rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. By all means, enjoy yourselves.

#5 Texas vs. #1 Oklahoma
HOLLY, BLATANTLY IRRATIONAL: The Red River Shootout is all about spite, so allow me to oblige:  Oklahoma is a barren wasteland whose women look like they were born on the backs of tractors.  Texas for the upset, and damn the torpedoes.
ORSON, RATIONAL: Oklahoma will see some oddball defensive formations unseen on film, because that’s how Muschamp do, but Bradford will still operate relatively unhindered behind the Loadholt Line, Oklahoma’s first greatest asset as a football team and still more evidence that quality beef garnered in recruiting is the first step toward whipping ass in 360 degrees. (The only other team pushing people around on the same level: Alabama, another team with abundant burl on the lines.)

TCU loaded the box on them, and Bradford went ballistic; sit back, and they’ll rack up 200 yards passing and 200 yards rushing on you. Brian Orakpo might get pressure off the edge, but otherwise the lack of a consistent running game from Texas outside of Colt McCoy doing his best Tebow ‘07 imitation keeps Oklahoma firmly in control from the start, leading to the eventual disappointment for Oklahoma of blowing a game (OK State?) late in the schedule to spoil undefeated happiness.

East Carolina @ Virginia
HOLLY,  IRRATIONAL: ECU.  Try diving into the tangle of ACC relative superiority (Virginia’s coming off a loss to Duke, who beat Navy but were shut out by Georgia Tech, and a win over Maryland, who handled Cal easily while barely scraping past ClemsonHEADEXPLODECLICKBOOM) is a futile exercise in migraine formation that can only lead to picking the school with the pirate for a mascot.
ORSON, IRRATIONAL: East Carolina, because Virginia had a really, really good game last week, which by university policy means they get this week off.

South Carolina @ Kentucky
HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Non-Kentuckians, kindly rack your brains to name a single offensive playmaker on the UK sideline.  No?  How about a single player, period?  Yes, Woodson’s gone.  Tamme too.  See where this is headed?  Gamecocks’ fledgling win streak rides, even sans EDSBS Mascot Garcia.
ORSON, IRRATIONAL: There’s every reason to believe South Carolina should come out and perform well in this game: a reinvigorated Chris Smelley, a defense ranked in the top ten nationally, and relatively little grumbling from Spurrier the White about his team’s performance. Kentucky cannot score–barring completely blown coverages–and South Carolina, while bipolar from week to week, has at least a chance of scoring. If defenses are a push, then South Carolina wins in a game whose box score should look like an approximation of last week’s Wildcat game against Alabama.

#13 Vanderbilt @ Mississippi State
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Vandy rolls, in the way that tire-flippers roll their charges:  haltingly and with unseemly exertion.  By the way, they’re going undefeated until the Vols come to Nashville and walk away with their only conference win of the year.  Put down the gilded letter opener; it makes perfect, morbid sense and you know it.
ORSON, RATIONAL: Vandy should avoid extended contact with Mississippi State’s offense, as two weeks of prolonged exposure to offense of a virally awful offense like the Bulldogs’ could lead to infection. We’re prepared to blame the overall downturn of offense in the SEC on patient zero, Croom, whose acquired allergy to offensive production has infected the entire conference. If nausea does take hold, we recommend Prochlorperazine. Vanderbilt in a near replay of the Auburn game, but with different color jerseys on the other side.

Nebraska @ #7 Texas Tech
HOLLY, RATIONAL: Each year since the inception of the Leach administration, we pray fervently for Tech to make a BCS run of it, that we may see Mike Leach on nationally televised interviews as frequently as possible.  This is not that year, with a backloaded conference slate that has the Red Raiders facing Texas, Oklahoma State, and Oklahoma back-to-back-to-back in November, but it’s the best chance they’ve had yet, and tomorrow’s just another tuneup.  TT victorious by scores, and by “scores”, read “multiples of twenty”.
ORSON, RATIONAL: Mizzou lit them up. Texas Tech will do the same in a manner so XTREME ONLY NU-METAL CAN CAPTURE IT.

Tennessee @ #10 Georgia
ORSON, RATIONAL:  It’s not just that Blutarsky has a bad feeling about this; it’s that Tennessee has Britton Colquitt back. That’s like giving Buford Pusser his whompin’ stick back; it’s like giving Lexington Steele his cock back; it’s like saying, “Oh, here Old Boy, take this hammer. I’m sure you won’t fight a hallway full of bodyguards with it.” The power of Colquitt compels you, because the punter is the centerpiece of any Tennessee offense. Tennessee to cover, but we’ll shy away from a win call because we are total and complete pussies.
HOLLY, RATIONAL: Dear Britton:  You’re late.  Every word of doubt from the Georgia faithful is reverse-sandbagging at best, condescending head-pattery at worst.  Colquitt and Nick Stephens represent the best hopes for a close one, but unless either of them can, respectively, provide his own punt coverage or pass to himself (or, hell, PLAY MONTARIO HARDESTY AND LENNON CREER FOR THE LOVE OF FRIED DOUGH), it won’t be enough.  Tennessee two weeks ago = Very bad football team.  Tennessee tomorrow = Very bad football team plus human field position apparatus and untested shades of legitimacy at quarterback.  The sum of their parts will not save us.   Count on: Another maul-y day from an appallingly talented Vol defense, Georgia playmakers soldiering through injuries, and thousands of heavy hearts trudging back to Knoxville after dark.

Notre Dame @ #22 UNC
HOLLY,  IRRATIONAL: UNC, if there’s a Football Jesus in heaven, because anything that allows pollsters to righteously strike Notre Dame and the dappled palomino named Rosebud Sense of Entitlement they rode in on from the rankings for the remainder of the year is indisputable evidence of the existence of a sovereign and benevolent God.
ORSON, RATIONAL: UNC hits really hard, and likes to take your ball and go the other way with it. Notre Dame likes to throw the ball a lot. Notre Dame football on NBC: TOUCHDOWN, OTHER GUYS. Rinse and repeat for the remainder of the game.

Arkansas @ #20 Auburn
HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Auburn, but only as long as we’re SURE we’ve explored every possibility that both teams could lose this game and come up empty.  Positive?
ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Covering our eyes, but Auburn, who will score rouges, safeties, and touchdowns off blocked kicks until the second half when, properly rewarded, Bobby Petrino crosses the sidelines and seizes the reins of the position of offensive coordinator for Auburn.

#17 Oklahoma State @ #3 Missouri
HOLLY,  QUASI-RATIONAL: Is Mizzou’s defense complacent or weak?  Does it matter?  Given the Gatling gun on the other side of the ball, they can be either for the remainder of the season, and the only two weeks it’ll matter are coming right up.  The catch is, they know that.  They’ll be ready enough.
ORSON, RATIONAL: Missouri’s going to have to sweat this game until the end because Oklahoma State, while swinging doors of compliant courtesy on defense, are monstrous on offense and facing a Missouri defense we still wouldn’t bet plug nickels on stopping anyone of consequence. There are flyweight boxing matches where, from the bell, two little Latinos come out swinging and don’t stop even after brain matter is flying in visible chunks from their ears. This will look exactly like that.

#4 LSU @ #11 Florida
HOLLY, RATIONAL: If this was a Death Valley game looming, I’d pick LSU.  That’s how creepy-bachelor-uncle close this is going to get.  Gators by a claw, by virtue of Swamp nightgame advantage and the [g-adjective of your choice (gritty, gutty, gutsy, gunslingy)] efforts of the Tebow Child alone.
ORSON, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IRRATIONAL:

HT: Scott.

Florida. There’s no other reason for us to say this other than the fact that Florida has been dodgy all year despite leading the league in scoring offense and posting the 19th best total defense stats in the nation. At one point, this thing has to go off, and at home at night against LSU is as close to zero hour as you could want. Plus, LSU brings out a certain snaky little punk streak in Tebow, who’s been tighter than a test pilot’s asshole at 7Gs this entire year.

It’s not a blowout. It’s not even a comfortable win, mind you: but it’s a win over an LSU team that to this point has not been tested as it will be against Florida. Even stuttering as they are, the Florida offense is much, much more of a test than Miss. State, Auburn, and North Texas have presented. The team that makes two mistakes leaves with cold corn dogs and soggy, pee-stained jorts as consolation prizes–not one, but two, because both teams are as error-prone as they are talented.

There were signs–this article and complaints about his effort in general–but on the whole it would still be shocking that someone as talented as a potential first-rounder would let a latent streak of jackass cost him NFL money.

Cover boy to booted in two weeks?

If you actually know something about us, harumphharumph of either the gmail or yahoo variety is ready when you are.

UPDATE: To say that he remains on the team, and other than that there’s nothing doing here besides weird rumblings.

The above article was followed shortly by a chaser of nightmare fuel.  He’s determined!  Good morning, sunshine!  Sleep well?  Did the football being  played around you last week and the week before disturb your nappytime in the pocket?  If there’s a delicious deep-fried lining to this clusterfuck, it’s that the Cromptonites, bottom-feeders in action and in onomatopoeia, are at last shaken free of their delusions of any modicum of competence on the part of their carp-faced idol.  Say what you will about Ainge, but the Bad Erik label wouldn’t have been necessary had there not been Good Erik to mirror it.  Occasionally, shit got done.  That is painfully and entirely no longer the case.

“I’m still gonna be the guy.”  Damn right you are.  The guy with three touchdowns and four INTs in four games.

Which brings me to this:  You’re late, Tennessee. “It’s easy to point fingers at somebody else,” Fulmer said. “I know we didn’t make every perfect call as coaches.” Here’s the question:  Why didn’t you?  Auburn didn’t show you anything we didn’t all see shades of against Missy State.  They couldn’t get past the 50 in the second half except by punting.  There was a conference opponent on the other sideline who played eminently beatable football on Saturday, and Crompton didn’t complete a pass in the 4th quarter.  Most troubling of all, there are trained football professionals who still thought as late as Saturday evening that having this kid pass on third and fourth down is a legitimate method of moving the football.  Here’s Jonathan Crompton against Florida, passing on third down: 2 of 7.  Here he is against Auburn: 3 of 9.  Three of his four interceptions have come on third downs.  That clutch is busted, son. These are grown men who gave their lives to the game of football, who looked at all available data and made a conscious decision to hang in there with Ol’ Faithful(ly Flatfoot). I’m not a pitchfork-and-torcher hollering FIRE FULMER…but everyone who is has yet to be logically rebutted.

So here we are.  Crompton in one corner, utterly untried sophomore Nick Stephens in the other, with all-purpose scramblebot Gerald Jones lurking.  This is Tennessee.  We are frightened by change, and brightly colored birds.   But Crompton isn’t clawing his way up the learning curve like an SEC first-stringer ought.   If this is even going to be salvaged as a rebuilding season, it’s going to have to be constructed around somebody else.  We’re starting from the bottom of a well either way.

Big ups to LSUFreek.  Oh, ‘Freek.  You’re the ‘freekest.