Michigan @ #10 Ohio State
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Two hypothetical scenarios automatically invoke giggles of free-radical schadenfreude molecules collecting in the lungs and brain: Michigan somehow beating Ohio State this week, and Alabama somehow losing to Auburn next week.
We really don’t care who wins in either one, but the complete explosive disaster of either scenario is just brilliantly compelling to someone fascinated with crashes and explosions of all kinds. Ohio State can avoid this by playing offense against Michigan’s defense, who will give up long spectacular yards passing to a freelancing Terrelle Pryor.
HOLLY, HATEFUL BUT RATIONAL: This matchup might actually be interesting in a couple years when RichRod and Pryor are fully gestated in their new homes. Not this season, though. And not just because it’s being played in Columbus (although that doesn’t help). What does help: Michigan having a worse record than Tennessee. Hee.
Tennessee @ Vanderbilt
HOLLY, WAITING FOR DEATH: I’m sorry, the above should read “Michigan has a worse record than Tennessee until Tennessee loses to Vanderbilt, which they will. Lose. To Vanderbilt.” Except that Michigan kicks off a half hour earlier, so by the time we’re 3-8, they’ll be 3-9. This one thought will be all that sustains me tomorrow.
ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Vanderbilt, big against a Tennessee team in complete tattershambles. Saying anything else would spoil the delight of typing those words with a certainty approaching geological fact.
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The arrows may or may not be right–we’ve submitted multiple, angsty drafts at this point, and the deltas may be completely scrambled now–but the muddle is totally real. Sometime after 8 or 9, this goes to shit completely and totally.
Dropped Out: Georgia Tech (#15), Maryland (#17), Kansas (#19), LSU (#20), California (#22).
Yes, it sucks. To be frank, we don’t even like our number one at this point. Alabama’s offense has spells of crapulence, and their signature wins against Georgia, Clemson, and LSU look less impressive with each passing week of 2008 Georgia/Clemson/LSU football. (Defense: optional!)
Texas? Sure. Guesswork. It’s all just lunchmeat thrown on the asses of so many miserable groupies at this point. (PAPA ROACH YEAAAHHH!!!!) The randomized excellence of the Big 12 South right now forces us to put Texas above Oklahoma because they beat them. Otherwise Oklahoma score points like a mid-debate fired-up Christopher Hitchens on his second bottle of sherry on anyone they choose to annihilate.
The rest: hopeless. The easy crutches are all gone. Pittsburgh? Really? Michigan State? Don’t make us rank Virginia Tech, life; no please, do not make us rank them, or Minnesota, who has the thinnest 7-2 record in the nation. Michigan and Tennessee being decent made this 8 percent easier in the good old days, but now we’re left in the soup line ladling out Cincinnati and TCU gruel. Spare us a dime. This season has left us bereft of solid rankings, and a bailout is needed.
#21 Wake Forest @ Maryland
ORSON, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. Wake Forest will win because, like Indiana Jones in a fight, they will be punched, kicked, scratched, pushed face-first into something hot, and then the improbably pull victory out at the last second with a field goal, or by a safety, or by Maryland inept’ing there way out of sure victory. Jim Grobe will lose an eye, but his one-eyed visage will be the last thing you see.
HOLLY, ALSO IRRATIONAL BUT WITH CRITTERS. Let’s see, shut out last week by Al f’ing Groh…yep, they’re due. Maryland, recipient of this week’s ACC Roundelay Enjoy It While It Lasts Because It Won’t, Last That Is Tiara. FEAR THE TURTLE.
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The non-royal we are both viewing games with actual corporeal humans to-day, so y’all are on your own until our egos are through writing checks our bodies can’t cash.
Rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. By all means, enjoy yourselves.
#5 Texas vs. #1 Oklahoma
HOLLY, BLATANTLY IRRATIONAL: The Red River Shootout is all about spite, so allow me to oblige: Oklahoma is a barren wasteland whose women look like they were born on the backs of tractors. Texas for the upset, and damn the torpedoes.
ORSON, RATIONAL: Oklahoma will see some oddball defensive formations unseen on film, because that’s how Muschamp do, but Bradford will still operate relatively unhindered behind the Loadholt Line, Oklahoma’s first greatest asset as a football team and still more evidence that quality beef garnered in recruiting is the first step toward whipping ass in 360 degrees. (The only other team pushing people around on the same level: Alabama, another team with abundant burl on the lines.)
TCU loaded the box on them, and Bradford went ballistic; sit back, and they’ll rack up 200 yards passing and 200 yards rushing on you. Brian Orakpo might get pressure off the edge, but otherwise the lack of a consistent running game from Texas outside of Colt McCoy doing his best Tebow ‘07 imitation keeps Oklahoma firmly in control from the start, leading to the eventual disappointment for Oklahoma of blowing a game (OK State?) late in the schedule to spoil undefeated happiness.
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That’s a question: we’ve heard from at least three Ole Miss types this morning that just two weeks after making the cover of SI DE Greg Hardy is out at Ole Miss in theatrical fashion.
There were signs–this article and complaints about his effort in general–but on the whole it would still be shocking that someone as talented as a potential first-rounder would let a latent streak of jackass cost him NFL money.
Cover boy to booted in two weeks?
If you actually know something about us, harumphharumph of either the gmail or yahoo variety is ready when you are.
UPDATE: To say that he remains on the team, and other than that there’s nothing doing here besides weird rumblings.
Late last night, 1500 words on Jonathan Crompton Not Being The Guy were rendered hopefully irrelevant by this headline. (You’re welcome.) This is far, far from over—Tennessee does not promote young players lightly, easily, or without maddening deliberation at speeds too slow to deserve the term. But an entrenched veteran, deserving or no, even catching a glimpse of a hook is a welcome sight, no less so for being completely fucking overdue.
The above article was followed shortly by a chaser of nightmare fuel. He’s determined! Good morning, sunshine! Sleep well? Did the football being played around you last week and the week before disturb your nappytime in the pocket? If there’s a delicious deep-fried lining to this clusterfuck, it’s that the Cromptonites, bottom-feeders in action and in onomatopoeia, are at last shaken free of their delusions of any modicum of competence on the part of their carp-faced idol. Say what you will about Ainge, but the Bad Erik label wouldn’t have been necessary had there not been Good Erik to mirror it. Occasionally, shit got done. That is painfully and entirely no longer the case.
“I’m still gonna be the guy.” Damn right you are. The guy with three touchdowns and four INTs in four games.
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