I promise this isn’t a metaphor (and if it were, it wouldn’t be a particularly good one), but I had a nightmare last night involving not being able to open my eyes (and some small woodland creatures, but that’s neither here nor there). I was jarred out of the second one by my phone ringing off the hook, and here’s why:
Janzen Jackson, Michael Edwards and Nu’Keese Richardson, all 18, were charged this morning after an armed robbery attempt at a Pilot station on Cumberland Avenue, according to the Knoxville Police Department.
Each player faces three counts of attempted armed robbery.
Additionally, several news outlets are reporting that it was a semiautomatic PELLET GUN, which is apparently a real thing that exists. And here’s the money shot:
NARRATOR (V/O): You’re watching “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.” Percy Harvin was one of the most talented athletes in college football history: A five-foot, eleven-inch receiver out of Virginia Beach, he broke records as an all-purpose offensive player for the University of Florida, totaling 32 career touchdowns and helping to revolutionize the role of the wide receiver in the modern-day spread offense. He was drafted in the first round by the Minnesota Vikings and signed a five-year contract worth more than $14 million.
Scene: A classroom in a Florida high school. A dozen or so high-school football players are seated at the desks; PERCY HARVIN, flanked by the high-schoolers’ coaches as well as some of his own former coaches, stands behind a podium at the front of the room.
F$#@ Sooners, get money. Packing two of the last three national-title trophies and gunning for another one in ‘09, Urban Meyer is getting a raise that will jack his salary up to an even $4 million a year, meaning that not only Urban but entire future generations of Meyers will be makin’ it rain for the indeterminate future. Before you ask, yes, Les Miles has a clause in his contract that entitles him to make at least $1,000 more than any other conference coach, but apparently it only kicks in if Miles wins the national title this year — thereby saving LSU from having to give The Hat a quarter-million-dollar raise for going 3-5 in the SEC last season. (See, if they just gave Les the highest salary in the conference, they’d only be spoiling him; this way, he learns the value of money.)
You know how to start a car, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow. West Virginia wide receiver Jock Sanders, last seen propping up an unusually weak Fulmer Cup effort by the Mountaineers with a DUI charge, may be able to bring an end to his indefinite suspension from the team if he “handles a series of requirements.” This includes completing an alcohol-awareness course, speaking with high-school groups about the dangers of DUI, and our favorite, having a “test lock” device installed in his car that will basically require him to breathalyze himself and prove he’s sober before he can start his vehicle. This is probably gonna sound weird, but I’ve always wanted to try one of those things — though my gadgetary curiosity here is of the singular ride a Segway/use an ejection seat/get Tasered variety that involves trying it once just to see what it’s like and then never, ever having to do it again.
Cue the “It’s not your fault” scene from “Good Will Hunting.” Louisville running back Bilal Powell is trying to put his fumble in last year’s game against Kentucky behind him and look ahead to 2009. Is it just us, or does it seem like he’s taking it a bit too hard? His fumble accounted for only a fifth of UL’s turnovers in that game. Trust me, Bilal, there’s more than enough blame to go around for the FAILsplosion that was Louisville’s 2008 campaign, and they’ll be coming after Steve Kragthorpe with torches and pitchforks long before they get around to you.
I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured . . . Elsewhere in the Big East, Syracuse head coach Doug Marrone, charged with cleaning up the HAZMAT spill that is the Orange’s football program post-Greg Robinson, says he’s “been hearing good things” about the progress made by former Duke basketball player and not-ever college football player Greg Paulus, who allegedly is still in the running for SU’s starting-QB job, in summer conditioning. Be that as it may, signing Paulus period still strikes us as the kind of decision that will be very much in the running for inclusion in a Bad Idea Jeans commercial by the end of the season.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed GERG is king. Speaking of Robinson, the situation at Michigan is apparently so dire that the addition of Gerg as defensive coordinator is being seen as one of the team’s biggest bright spots heading into 2009. (Yes, we know Robinson was an exemplary D-coordinator with both the Longhorns and the Denver Broncos. But a 3-25 Big East record is the kind of failstank that wouldn’t be quickly forgotten even if he’d only been hired as the night manager at a 7-Eleven.)
What, by playing them within 30 points? Late entry in the race for saddest quote of the offseason: Washington State coach Paul Wulff’s insistence that his Cougars “have the opportunity to surprise some teams” this year. I’d like to believe that, Paul, I really would, but I’d also like to believe that Lacey Stockbauer is going to end up with two tickets to this year’s Texas-Oklahoma game and offer me her extra one. In other words: na ga happen.
Jimmy Johns of Alabama, arrested for powder cocaine distribution for Alabama. Remember, it’s gotta be powdered, because them rock boys just roll while you slang the snow. Also, because crack is for poor people. You must never forget this.
Asked for the specific charges, Kosloff said he believed the Brookhaven, Miss., native was arrested and charged with seven “drug-related” charges, including selling.
Police allege cocaine and marijuana are involved, Kosloff said.
Johns had moved from running back to “linebacker,” a term with numerous double entendres in light of the alleged charges. More to come, but we won’t use this as an excuse to post Dr. Rockso videos no we won’t we I DO COCAAAAAAAAAINE!!!! GONNA MAKE YOU A BALLOOOOOOON ANIMAAAAAAL!!!!
Seriously, he does a lot of cocaine.
Update: Mug shot with fierce beard. Worse news still: we’re going to have to have Brian rework the board again, because Alabama may have just taken a huge leap forward in the Fulmer Cup standings. (Five felony possession charges alone= FIFTEEN points. Digits, baby!)
Thematically Appropriate Song of the Day: “Who Let These Hoes In My Room,” in honor of Elliot Spitzer.
Be sure to stick around for the appearance of Bill O’Reilly at the end.
Hey, Joe…this “friend” of mine is considering retirement. Per the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Joe Paterno’s friend “Moe” is considering figuring out eventually how to kind of do this retirement thing he’s been hearing about…we mean, um, that “Moe” has been hearing about.
“He was asking me ‘Why?’ and ‘Who?’ and ‘How?’ ” Tiller said during a telephone interview. “He didn’t really tip his hand. But he did ask me ‘Who’s this guy?’ and ‘Why did I like him?’ and ‘Why now?’ and those types of things.
“He didn’t say, ‘I’m thinking about this or I’ve got to do this.’ But, after it had been announced, he seemed to be curious.”
That Moe is a sly one! Meaning “Moe” is for the first time in a while seriously considering retirement, if Tiller’s not just reaching down into his big bag of crazy and oatmeal and pulling this out of it. (HT: Fanblogs.)
Condolences to Howard Schnellenberger, whose 48 year old son Stephen died of endocrine cancer. Read the Miami Herald article on Steven to get a picture of someone who sounds like an extremely tough person.
The Comcast/Big Ten Network War is Over. Kiss any dame in the street you care to, sailors! Huzzah, your boys are coming home from the great Comcast/ Big Ten Network War at last, clothed in victory and teeming with foreign microbes! Remember their valiant struggles in the editorial pages of the Fort Wayne Gazette, or their solemn sacrifices in the great memo tiff of 2007! Oh, happy day! Rhubarb pies and chocolate malts for everyone, except daddy who gets to guzzle scotch and cry because he had flat feet and had to stay behind and endure the shame of banging everyone else’s deserted wives! HUZZAH!
Les Miles still doesn’t know exactly how much he’s going to get paid, but everyone else in Louisiana has been waiting for checks of undisclosed sums and arrival date for years now, so he’s in good company. (Except for Lil Wayne, who’s already “Got his check from FEMA, time to buy some co-cay-ee-nah.”)
Our extremely cursory and simple look over the options for this year’s fantasy draft in college football. Dibs!
One: Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech WR. Oh, sure, you say don’t draft him because he’s going pro, but here’s a surprise for you: HE PLAYS FOOTBALL, ASSHOLE. That’s right, and he plays it too well for even Mike Leach’s buttoned-down attack to hold his talent under wraps, friend. Crabtree’s line for last year looked like entire wide receiving corps’ numbers for theyear: 134 receptions, 1962 yards, and 22 TDs. Now let’s see if Mike Leach will trust him and stop throwing the ball only ten times a game. What is this, the Single Wing?
Two: Knowshon Moreno, UGA RB (Stands for “Rampaging Bastard”) Oh, no particular reason. FACT: This statement is a lie. If we just blew the head off your logic robot, then good: now you may free yourself from its clutches and draft Knowshon Moreno, who averaged 5.4 yards a carry last season and beat the bloody hell out of Florida in the worst Cocktail Party of my lifetime as a Florida fan. Give him the ball twice, and it’s a first down! Math is easy kids. Also, taking Knowshon allows you to take Matt Stafford, who may brilliantly audible to “run left/right/middle” when the defense does all that confusing jumpy stuff at the line.
Three: Jeremiah Johnson, Oregon RB. Could be the focal point for the Oregon offense next year, meaning he’ll get plenty of screens and zone read handoffs. Sadly, does not possess mountain man beard or pet bear, though someone could (hint hint) do something about both of these things before the season begins. We’ve always thought the bear was the next frontier for domesticated animals, especially home security bears. So cuddly!
Four: Colin Kaepernick, Nevada QB. If you have craved a gawky, discount version WAC version of Vince Young working out of the pistol, then Kaepernick’s your man.
Even if you apply the standard WAC to BCS conference conversion formula (divide roughly by 2/3, subtract five touchdowns), Kaepernick’s stats as a sophomore should improve from the 2175 yards passing and 573 yards rushing he piled up as afreshman in the eight games he started. Bonus! He works from the pistol, the formation that gets your qb disemboweled in NCAA Insert Year here but somehow chugs along nicely in real life.
5. Cam Newton, Florida QB. We’d bet a toe he’ll assume the Tim Tebow goal line battering ram role from Tim Tebow to take some of the hits off Tebow, meaning he’ll become the Mike Alstott of college football: a points vulture with an unnatural stat line skewed toward one yard TD plunges.
Brian presents the big board for the week. A smattering of notes on what was a quiet weekend follows.
Remember: Illinois and Mizzou are both victims of one player’s outstanding contributions. Depending on your semantics, then they’re not really winning as a team effort. That award would, at this point, go to the West Virginia Mountaineers and the nine points they earned last week for a large “intent to distribute” marijuana arrest. Tennessee is just a disorderly conduct or DUI charge away from nipping into the team lead, however, a move that would restore the earth to its proper axis, return to the king to his rightful place in Gondor, and get Arrested Development back on the air again.
Missing in action: A few obvious preseason faves miss the list completely, making them sleepers just waiting in the weeds to explode onto the board, or otherwise tranquil programs with shockingly little to worry about in the discipline department. Where’s former champ Marshall? Or heavy preseason favorite Arizona State? Or even Purdue, a team with consistently high scores throughout the short history of the cup? And whither Florida, Florida State, or Miami? Florida’s already got a point for a piddling underage drinking charge, but none of the big three has anything to show in the way of taserings, drinking while flying a blimp, discharging weapons in crowded daycares, or trafficking in exotic animals.
The Florida points are on the way in an update, so don’t bitch about it in the comments. This ensures one person at the least will bitch about it in the comments.
That’s one way to do it. Fernley High School lineman Kevin Hart announced this past week that he was going to play for Cal, a bold and innovative step in recruiting techniques since the Reno, Nevada resident may or may not have a scholarship offer from Cal. So just go out there, commit, and see if they bite. Live to win, son! LIVE! YEAH!
It is not that simple, of course: in fact, according to his football coach, it may be all part of something much, much bigger.
“This is involving law enforcement and may involve other departments, other than the NCAA, that are bigger than local,” Hodges, who has been in coaching for 20 years, said. “I would love to tell you everything I know, but I can’t at this time and I’m not even sure what I know.”
Treadstone, the Vatican, the CIA, Interpol, the Illuminati, the Bilateral Commission, the Elders of Zion, Comintern, S.P.E.C.T.R.E., and others could not be reached for comment. (HT: Dave.)
“We’re going to kick those guys butts across town!” If you want a glimpse at the master-race charisma of the Salesman himself in action, watch Rick Neuheisel pumping up the crowd at Pauley Pavillion during a UCLA basketball game. Please also note the look on Norm Chow’s face the whole time: wherever Chow is, it looks like he’s in complete knowing control, even if he’s completely and totally not (see: watching the Titans offense last year.)
Mess with the DickRod, get the DickRod! Rich Rodriguez has done the All-American thing in his ongoing spat with West Virginia: countersued them for, um…poor Outlook managers?
The university broke so many promises, Rodriguez’s lawyers wrote, and so slandered and even endangered Rodriguez, that the court should limit his potential damages to no more than $75,000, not the $4 million the university is seeking.
Endangered? As in put him and his family in danger of bodily harm, or made them a rare species worthy of protection? We’re going with the second, since most West Virginia fans seemed happily in favor of putting a radio collar on DickRod after his flirtation with Alabama. (This would have made the whole Michigan drama so much easier in the first place, since you could just have just tracked him as you would a rogue polar bear or dolphin.)
Duke is fat. At least according to David Cutcliffe, who will have the team running this spring to lean ‘em up, create team spirit, etc. Phil Fulmer doesn’t even know who you are anymore, David Cutcliffe. Running is for women and cheetahs, son.
Yes, there’s a Fulmer Cupdate coming this morning, as it was a busy weekend for many, including Tennessee, who are making a vintage effort here. (Can’t taunt, fear Gator player being caught for discharging RPG while smoking baseball bat spliff outside dorms.) In the meantime…you can’t handle Puppy Bowl! Don’t even try.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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