#11 Ohio State @ Toledo

Holly: Aaron Opelt IS The Brave Little Toaster IN The Brave Little Toaster. The toast (sorry) of the MAC brings his flingin’ arm up against its first real defensive test of the year. Will the Buckeyes rebound from last week’s debacle when faced with a team that should by all rights be an easy target? Hayll, no. Toledo will cover that unconscionable 20.5 line at the very least, and in fact, let’s pick them to win outright, because they’re named “Rockets” and because if I picked against them, Toledo fans wouldn’t send me poorly veiled and spellchecked death threats. Got a long car trip this afteroon, and I’ll need the entertainment.

Can that guy play linebacker? (And does the Brave Little Toaster die at the end? I forget.

Tennessee @ #1 Florida

Orson: Brandon Spikes IS the County Assessor in DON’T EVER FUCK WITH THE COUNTY ASSESSOR BITCH. You know who’s been teeny eeny weeny mouse quiet? THE COUNTY ASSESSOR BITCH. Brandon Spikes hasn’t said anything all week, but his presence in shutting down the Tennessee run game will mean mo’ Crompton, and mo’ Crompton means mo’ interceptions, since he has thrown many more interceptions than one should as a college quarterback. The County Assessor will decide what real estate you can afford, Mr. Crompton. Considering your credit rating, it looks like you can afford nothing in the ZIP code of 32601.

Holly: Lane Kiffin IS Chuck Barris IN Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Is any of it true? Who cares; we’re just here for the spectacle and the stories. Giant motherfucking catfish rains down the sky, Nick Reveiz racks up thirty tackles, Boo Berry breaks the NCAA career interception yardage record on the road in Gainesville and Tennessee returns to the Motherland victorious by a score of a billionteen to six. (What the hell were you expecting?)

#3 USC @ Washington

Holly: Steve Sarkisian IS Luke Skywalker IN A New Hope. Bratty early Luke who just wants to pick up some power converters. Yoda’s coming to YOUR swamp now, Sarky, and he likes your moves but you’re still Washington. Trojans, but a close enough game to send the Huskies to the locker room with the cuddly moral victory.

Orson: USC IS Martin Blank IN Gross Pointe Blank. It’s not me, says Pete Carroll, as he plugs three in the head of Washington at close range. Even friends get it if the name’s on the contract, Steve BLAM! /picksupdiscovermagazine /readsidly

Tulsa @ #12 Oklahoma

Todd Graham IS Patrick Bateman IN American Psycho . Up the coaching ladder no matter the cost, even if he had to stab people to get an incremental jump from Rice to Tulsa (the equivalent of strangling a co-worker for a promotion from assistant general manager to senior assistant general manager.) Now looking around and noticing the subtle bone-white of other people’s business cards, and sensing the sudden hollow cheapness of his world. I’m not saying he flexes in the mirror while filming his own sexual encounters. I’m saying he flexes in the mirror and screams “Yeah, Todd!” while filming his own sexual encounters. Two entirely different things. (This means Tulsa loses, btw.)

Holly: Bob Stoops IS Dana Marschz IN Hamlet 2. Completely and cheerfully divorced from reality. Look, it’s entirely beyond possible that I’m not coming back from this weekend alive, so let’s really live and call the upset here as well. Is it really an upset without Sam Bradford? Vegas seems to think so, setting the line at 17.5. Is that even going to be an issue with the departure of Gus Malzahn? What the hell, we’re about to find out. The Golden Hurricane (oooh, singular MLS-style name, edgy!) has torn up two previous (and bad) opponents by a combined score of 81-23. This is only slightly larger than Oklahoma’s last margin of victory at their previous meeting.

#19 Nebraska @ #13 Virginia Tech

Holly: Urban Meyer IS Rosie Perez IN Do The Right Thing. With a gun to my head and Diamonique Cold Meyer at the other end of it, I could not come up with a game I have less interest in watching than this one. Can I pick the West Virginia game instead? Because speaking of Malzahn, he’s about to bitchmake Bill Stewart at Auburn in primetime like the bitch Bill Stewart is.

Orson: Bo Pelini IS Alex Baldwin IN The Bear. The Bear’s antagonist–a bear–all too perfectly sums up what it’s like to play Virginia Tech, a huge, mean animal that, if you have one or two well-aimed bullets, can be killed nine times out of ten. Nebraska has a few of those in the form of an actual offense, something Virginia Tech continues to innovatively play football without. Close, as BEAMERBALL (TM) tends to be, but ultimately leaning towards the Cornhuskers.

Michigan State @ Notre Dame

Orson: Golden Tate IS Pele IN Victory. Notre Dame will go down early to the Spartans. Defeat will be in the air. Doom will tunnel up through the locker room at halftime and beckon the Irish to follow them to a season of bailing right nastily on Weis, but then everyone will remember that no one can cover Golden Tate, and that Charlie Weis should just go back to the four play “Toss-Draw-Deep ball-crossing pattern” offense they’ve been running since halfway through last year, and then it’s Dantonio Face time for the entire second half. Victoire! Victoire! Victoire! It will be just like the end of Victory, except for the raunchy sex with the locals, since that will get you kicked out of school if you do it in the wrong places in South Bend.

Holly: Tate Forcier IS Pete IN Pete’s Dragon, with a special guest appearance by Rich Rodriguez as HOLY SHIT A DRAGON. If we were even keeping track of our scores week to week, I would be logic-bound to take the Irish. We are not, and I am not, and though that one Domer troll has mysteriously disappeared since The Recent Unpleasantness, this is kind of a fun habit. Dantonio over Weis in a surl-off, and Spartans over Irish out of uncut Colombian spite. (I’m sorry, Harrison Smith. Forgive me, Golden Tate. It’s Hate Week, and it’s leaking everywhere.)

Navy @ Pitt

Holly: Dave Wannstedt IS David Spritz IN The Weather Man. Navy and Miami were my ‘09 BCS sleeper picks. The Baby ‘Canes are acquitting themselves quite nicely, but Navy took a heartbreaker of a haymaker early in Columbus before righting the ship against a not-awful Louisiana Tech team. And if anyone’s prepared to deliver a loss when he shouldn’t, it’s the Wannstache. Make it happen, Pitt Kitties.

Orson: Ken Niumatololo IS The Wolf IN Pulp Fiction. I have a mess, Ken. A huge one, since I’m now in week three of Wannstache Upset Alert, and have zero to show for it save for this tripled-down bet on Dave Wannstedt doing what comes naturally to him: blowing a game against inferior competition. I’ll make you coffee, whatever you need, man. Just clean up the dead bodies a suddenly consistent Pitt team keeps leaving in my car. Buffalo’s brains are all over the backseat.

Florida State @ #7 BYU

Bronco Mendenhall IS Kirk Douglas IN Spartacus. Running from the hills to terrorize an old empire wearing nothing but a spear and a jock strap. Okay, more than that, since these are Mormons, but remember two key plot points:

1. Spartacus rips Rome a new one, and

2. He ends up dead in the end.

But but but but BYU is a BCS buster and beat Oklahoma and THAT’S JUST WHAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL WOULD WANT YOU TO THINK. The patron god of this sport is Loki, and he’s telling you that mischief would be a tattered, tottering FSU team rolling into Provo and beating BYU. Mischief, he will have.

Holly: Bobby Bowden IS Theoden IN LOTR: The Two Towers. Not a whisper of an upset here. With a defense that’s as somnambulant as Bowden The Elder himself, and Max Hall in his third year flashing 325 passing yards, this will be over fast, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be pretty.

#23 Georgia @ Arkansas

Holly: Mark Richt IS Edmond IN Edmond. Which is more to be feared? Evil Richt with a chip-shouldered, something-to-prove team or Bobby Petrino leading a squad of indeterminate quality? Depends, are we playing football? Georgia, but not without a few scares.

Orson: Bobby Petrino AS Willard IN Willard Actually, I just wanted to imagine Petrino as the king of Rats. (No reason! We swear!) Remember what happens when SEC East teams go to the West? Horrible, terrible, unpredictable things, for the most part, especially against an improving Arkansas squad. Holly says “scares;” we say “hordes of rats devouring Joe Cox.” Arkansas gets its first big scalp in the Petrino era in a shootout.

Texas Tech @ #2 Texas

Holly: Will Muschamp IS Ben Wade IN 3:10 to Yuma. Say, did you know these two teams have a history? Because it seemed very important last night in the midst of an actual football game being played on television at that moment that concerned neither Texas nor Texas Tech that we know Texas Tech and Texas have met before! I wonder how that turned out? Anybody hear? I’ll take a jittery McCoy over an unfinished Potts, though if he hadn’t gone and shaved his beard this would be a treacherous pick.

Orson: Taylor Potts IS Hudson IN Aliens. You want some Texas defense! (Discharges 5 TDs in a noble loss.) HUH BITCH? (Fires seventy passes constantly throwing until the final whistle.) Oh, now you want some? (Scanning for open receivers, sees none, tries to buy time.) IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? (Fires off fifteen yard completion as he his eaten and killed by Sergio Kindle.)

(Pre-emptive righteous-indignation stifling: McMackin’s free-speech rights aren’t being violated by any of this. The 1st Amendment prevents the federal government from prosecuting you for something you’ve said; it doesn’t bar your employers from fining you for making them look like a bunch of troglodytes. Thanks, carry on.)

With that out of the way, all that’s left is to sweep up the pieces. Can we expect an Obama-style “beer summit” between McMackin, the UH president, and Charlie Weis? Or would a “cosmo summit” with McMackin and the head of the Human Rights Campaign be more appropriate? We’re confident that any institution whose athletic teams were once nicknamed the “Rainbow Warriors” can be trusted to do the right thing here.

Play me off for 6-8 weeks, Keyboard Cat.

No permanent or lasting damage, as the piece of angry, disunited bones in my back aren’t load bearing. They do hurt like I swallowed a plugged-in soldering gun, which is why I’m waking up in a few hours to dust off some more delicious, nutritious Percocet.

Thanks to all the well-wishers on Twitter and Facebook. (Our phone doesn’t work, as the iPhone battery died last night, too.) It’s pill and sleep time, and we’ll see what “we” feel like tomorrow.

Reads are important on this play, which we’ll call CAREER JET BANDIT X FLY D-BO OVER 2. We’re expecting good protection through a solid zone scheme of a middle class upbringing and lack of obvious physical or mental defect. We’re running four routes on the play. You’ll note the slot receiver is not accounted for in the playbook; this is by design, since you need one career option to forget, and then mourn as your lost ideal once it’s too late to choose it in the progression.

Let’s go through the reads, son.

First read: ASTRONAUT. The quarterback (you) takes the ball in the shotgun and surveys the defense. On this play, your first option is the X receiver, on this play known as ASTRONAUT.

ASTRONAUT is double covered by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE. (Also, you find out you don’t like enclosed places when you go to Mammoth Cave as a nine year old.) It’s important to recognize this early and not force this ball prematurely, as you may end up in the military not flying jets, but instead handing out fresh underwear for hours at a time to new recruits as a logistics man. This throw is off the table, especially with a potential tip from COLORBLIND pressuring from the weakside. You must go to your next option.

(COLORBLIND plays havoc on his play as the 3-4 hybrid end: you can’t tell if he’s dropping to further cover ASTRONAUT, or rushing the qb. He’s a menace confusing the entire left side of the play for the qb. Better to let the running back chip and then go to the flat as an outlet receiver, which we’ll cover here in a bit.)

Second read: Your Z receiver, a.k.a. The Z receiver is referred to here as ADULT FILM STAR.

A quick frantic look and progression through your footwork reveals that Z is not an option due to A LACK OF SIZE against the cornerback of DON’T WANNA BE THAT AVERAGE GUY IN THE ORGY SCENE, M’KAY? Again, recognize this quickly, shuffle forward in the pocket, and move to your next option.

Third read: The Y receiver, or the Tight End, or what we call VET in this scheme. Shifting your feet a third time somewhere around your first semester in college, you eye your third read: VET. It says math is required in the major description, but you don’t believe it, because they’re just animals, right? And animals can’t hire lawyers or complain when your ignorance of basic chemistry puts them in a three day coma. How hard can this be?

Unfortunately, VET is running a short drag round underneath the ROBBER position of HAYFEVER. This throw is also affected by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE, a corner whose locktight coverage indeed affects the entire field. (A good corner is just that valuable to a sound defensive scheme.) It might look open, but it’s not, and a forced throw risks a turnover and valuable time lost to getting all those prerequisites only to find out you don’t savor the special warmth you feel with your arm stuck two feet into a cow’s rectum.

You move to your fourth read, who because of the double coverage on ASTRONAUT should be wide open: the running back, shown here in our terminology as CELEBRITY CHEF.

This option is interrupted both by your lack of any real restaurant experience and THE SHRIMP INCIDENT. This option is blocked, and if you should force this throw twice you will have to rely once again on the kindness of strangers with EpiPens to spare.

The net result on the play will be an incomplete pass, and a PUNT

There are a few more loaded up and ready to go here, but if you have a situation you’d like to see metaphorically represented in football terms, please send it to us at harumphharumph of the gmail or yahoo variety type email address.

Or, to concatenate that bit of praise and turn this into Connections with James Burke for football: did any single performance which led to a singular defeat that then led to the even bigger upset of undefeated Texas? Without Orakpo disintegrating the Oklahoma line and Colt McCoy being devilishly accurate, there is no undefeated Texas rolling into this game, where Michael Crabtree spontaneously generated the one moment this year that had us springing to our feet.

Musberger’s bellowing call–so enthused he fucks up the pronunciation a bit, blurting out something that sounds like “CROBB-TRAAAAAAYYY”–is all you need. We don’t even hear Herbstreit after that; the delirium of the moment still lingers and obliterates all commentary. There is a moment in each season you remember with a clarity bordering on the surreal , as if a South American writer had gotten a hold of the script and written floating women and feathered angels speaking odd tongues into the background. There’s more than a little Marquez in Crabtree’s catch, and not just in its mythical content; the tragic side kept Texas from the national title game, and put Bob Stoops’ toes in the surf of Biscayne Bay.

*Also, feel very free to leave all manner of well-meaning but overbearing advice for new homeowners in the comments for Swindle to find. He’ll like that.

What you will be receiving in exchange for a large paycheck payable to one Dan Mullen: a man who wrote so many plays on index cards as an assistant at Syracuse that he developed a strange fungal infection on his hand, forcing him to wear a glove for the remainder of the season. He’s obsessed, naturally caffeinated, and his offenses really do adjust to the personnel they have, a claim every coach with an offensive “system” makes but few actually live up to once they get going.

He is a superb hire who may do this strange and potentially frightening thing called “scoring points.” Be not afraid, People of the Cowbell. This is permitted under NCAA by-laws.

Will this be a distraction before the national title game? OF COURSE NOT. Look! A BABY SEAL AWWWWW!!!!!

This seal says there’s nothing to see here. Move along.

Unfortunately for Kragthorpe-san, it’s hard to commit suicide when Davon Sharp and the rest of the Rutgers team is doing the job for you:

Louisville is standing by their man for now, but Louisville’s pile of hot fail is accumulating like so many yellowed toenails stuck in the shag carpet of mediocrity. They went 1-5 in the Big East, yielding one of those to newly-fired GERG and Syracuse. They suffered through a macabre series of injuries this year, yes–they only took 25 players to Rutgers, and presumably expected the worst–but their late collapse was well short of a Thermopylae-style last stand. The Cardinals have looked mediocre to awful at times under Kragthorpe, and your trend graph is flowing ever-downward at this rate for his overall performance at the school.

You know a game is bad when ESPN keeps showing shots of the Lincoln Tunnel on commercial outros. You also know your defense had no shot when you let Mike Teel throw for seven touchdowns in his last game as a Scarlet Knight. On the upside, the slack time in the second half allowed for Chris Fowler to admit he’d never been to a local greasy spoon before midnight or sober, basically, and that was almost worth the agony of watching the second half.

#11 Ohio St. at #24 Northwestern

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Relax your bedtime grip on your Glocks, America. Ohio State has two losses, and the universe can breathe easy, safe from the specter of a third-straight Buckeyes champblahblahblahBig10bashing. Statistically, these teams are surprisingly well-matched, but….look, we’d all love to pick Northwestern, adorably ranked after a victory over Minnesota, but if pluck guaranteed wins, we’d be celebrating the single-digit ranking of Texas Christian (HOW DARE YOU PUSH US TO ACCEPT UTAH AS A LEGIT TEAM, HORNED FROGS).

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. The force is strong in the young one…

…but this is episode five, and he loses his hand to the Dark Lord.

Baylor at #4 Texas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. If Baylor had the chops on defense to hold Colt McCoy in check, we’d happily tiptoe over to the pond of tribute bets and salute Art Briles and Robert Griffin for revivifying Baylor football. We would, really, it’s just that Texas just lost to Texas Tech, something they’re not accustomed to doing, and will not play the part of scalded dog two years in a row. Baylor gets inflame-u-lated by a frothing mad Texas team.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Robert Griffin, most impressive. Howevah! Texas is clinging to their top-five slot with all their considerable strength, with the added incentive of having Something To Prove after last week’s heartbreak in Lubbock. Despite their sub-subpar pass defense, the Longhorns have more than enough personnel to keep bodies on Griffin all afternoon.

#13 Georgia at Kentucky

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: You could call this game on intangibles–Georgia will be as surly and smashy as they’ve been all year and have presumably reconstructed their collective throats since their most recent Cocktail Party debacle, plus their last visit to Lexington didn’t go so well–but why bother? The Dawgs are an all-right football team on their worst days, and outclass Kentucky in every category that matters. The Wildcats are bowl-eligible, to be sure, but it comes on the backs of such vaunted opponents as Norfolk State, Western Kentucky, and Loovill. This one won’t be close.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Georgia is not the better team top to bottom; take THAT EXPECTED FOOTBALL CLICHE. Kentucky’s got the better defense, but too bad for them this is football, where sometimes one must score. Georgia can do that because they’ve got this offense, and do really well when they’re not giving up drives to opponents that start on their own one yard line. Kentucky fans prefer basketball ARP ARP ARP ARP.

Wyoming at Tennessee

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Joe Glenn’s market value peaked long ago, and in a five game stretch prior to breaking universal slump-buster San Diego State the Cowboys were outcored 207-30 by their opponents. We feel some FAIL comin’ on hyah, and would take at least 90 teams in division one over the Cowboys sight unseen. Holly will explain further reasons why taking the Cowboys borders on the tardbilly-ish.

HOLLY, ACTUALLY RATIONAL: If you managed to sit through Fulmer’s press conference on Monday without squirming yourselves completely underneath the couch cushions, you got a taste of the general tenor of the UT locker room. The players are bound to be out for blood, and to not particularly care whose blood. Tennessee by a hundred and fifty or so.

#1 Alabama at #16 LSU

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Instead of picking, let’s treat ourselves to a festive round of Nick Saban Projectile Bingo. Center square if he gets hit with an egg. Fill the rest of your card, in any order, with: bottles, batteries, dead bats, live snakes, pots of boiling peanut oil, actual shrunken heads, glowsticks, empty mace cans, and vials of plague strains. Oh, and here’s to an LSU win, because Alabama at number one is fucking awful, the end. Light ‘im up, Tigahs.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. John Parker Wilson has taken the Brandon Cox Mantle of “OH MY GOD WE LOST TO HIM” Qb for this year. Bama Bang’d, rag-armed, prone to taking sacks with audible feminine shrieks, and with his supporting cast totally unbeatable thus far. The shame of victory will sting even more as he attempts 20 passes, completes 12 of them for piddling yardage, and yet gets to trod from the bourbon-soaked sidelines of LSU clothed in glory…and LSU fans’ spit, of course.

#3 Penn State at Iowa

ORSON, LUDICROUSLY IRRATIONAL SHONN GREENE SHONN GREENE SHONN GREENE.

If the weather’s awful, consider the Iowa victory a done deal due to the inverse relationship between crappy weather and the performance of white athletes. (Only remaining fields of dominance: cross-country skiing, biathlon, and blizzard wrestling.) We just don’t want Penn State in the national title game, are open about this, and don’t think Mark Dantonio and all the properly worn neckties in the universe can get the Spartans to beat the Nittany Lions.

(Final note: an undefeated Penn State team belongs in the title game. Logic overcomes homerism…just barely, though. It was wrong when it happened to Auburn; it’s wrong here, too.)

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD: C’mon, Penn State. Drop a game you shouldn’t lose and lose the ranking you shouldn’t have. Nobody wants to deny old what’s-his-name a title shot based on sentimentality and your bullshit schedule, so give us an excuse to slot in a more deserving squad and you’ll be free to enjoy a pleasant berth in one of the remaining big four bowls. Let’s not cause a scene, now.

Kansas St. at #14 Missouri

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: We owe a debt of gratitude to Mizzou for dropping out of the top ten and saving us from the effort of shoring up our rapidly depleting stock of Chase-Daniel-is-old-and-delivers-pizzas-in-his-copious-spare-time jokes. For this, Tigers, and because KState is f’ing woeful, we ch-ch-choose you. Prevail, if you please.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. K-State is horrible, Missouri is not, grab a shovel as Mizzou makes a minced ass pie from the butt-end of the Ron Prince carcass.

#21 California at #7 USC

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Jeff Tedford, pre-season: icy genius, steely-visaged pro-style thinkbot waging cold warfare amidst the primitive ankylosauruses of the college football landscape, a technical scientist fighting against sloppy, emotive artists.

Jeff Tedford, mid-season: 6-2 and about to lose to Pete Carroll. Again.

HOLLY, QUASI-IRRATIONAL: Isn’t it entertaining, every November, to watch P-Car wax angry about how very number-one-y his team would be if they hadn’t dropped a cakewalk game for no reason? Like the return of the first robins of spring, only EVEN MORE REDDER AND AWESOME JACKED I’M LIKIN’ IT BRAH—yeah, whatever, USC’s complacent but they ain’t bad. Trojans.

#9 Oklahoma State at #2 Texas Tech

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: [Lazy-assed OOOOOH, TAKE TEH OVER Y'ALL LOLZ bit] Texas Tech. Texas Tech will win this game, depressing Mike Gundy just enough to accept a generous offer from the University of Tennessee to become the next head coach of the Volunteers. He will bring Trooper Taylor back to Rocky Top; recruiting cachet will soar, the new clock rules will be abolished, Rick Neuheisel will go rapidly and unattractively bald, and unicorns with lollipops for hooves will roam the sidelines of all D-I schools at will.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: When faced with good defenses, Oklahoma State has refrained politely from scoring points by the gross: 24 against Texas, 28 against Missouri…strike that. Mizzou’s defense is not good,and they still sputtered against them. When let loose by the secondary and unpressured upfront, OK State will disintegrate a defense. With some pressure, though, they become only excellent on offense, and “only excellent” against Texas Tech will get you tortilla’d in Lubbock.

#5 Florida at Vanderbilt

Orson, IRRATIONAL. We’ll be there, and need tickets, because what has two thumbs, applied too late for a press pass, and wants to see Florida train a few orbital death lasers on an overmatched and offense-challenged Vandy team? THIS GUY.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Vandy has a proud history of playing Florida tough when they have no business doing so. This, however, is no ordinary Florida team. Gators saunter through this one at a casual, deadly pace.

Georgia fan: Where’d I put my “You don’t need nObama if you got Knowshon” sticker?

Crazy Old Testament God: HELLO GEORGIA FAN. PUT DOWN YOUR DRINK AND QUAKE IN MY AWESOME PRESENCE. I HAVE A TEST FOR YOU.

GF: Damn! Are you the scary guy from the Oak Ridge Boys?

COTG: NO. I AM CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD, AND THE SCHEDULE’S CHANGED. I WORK ON WEDNESDAY NOW, AND THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU. I WILL SEND YOU TRAVELING THROUGH TIME TO SEE YOUR INNER SOUL REFLECTED IN THE EVENTS WHICH BROUGHT HUMANITY TO THIS POINT. YOU WILL DISAPPOINT ME, BUT I WILL DO THIS ANYWAY.

GF: Like that show, Centrum Leap? I HATED that show. It came on the same time as Hunter!

COTG: THAT WAS NO SHOW. SCOTT BAKULA IS CURRENTLY IN THE FIFTEEN CENTURY FIGHTING SPANISH CONQUISTADORS. HE HAS SMALLPOX, AND WILL DIE SHORTLY. HIS PAIN IS UNENDING.

GF: Whatever, man. When’s Hunter comin’ back on! That DeeDee was somethin’!

COTG: STEPFANIE KRAMER MAY BE SEEN IN 2006′S CUTTING EDGE 2: GOING FOR THE GOLD. YOUR JOURNEY BEGINS NOW.

(POP!)

GF: Big Bang? That ain’t nothin’ compared to Samford Stadium on Saturday WOOOO DOGS SIC ‘EM!!!

(POP!)

GF: KICKAAAASSS!! I’m at least four thousand years in the past!

(POP!)

GF: Whutcha mean you ain’t got Mu Shu Pork? What don’t you understand about “NUMBER EIGHT, EXTRA EGGROLL?” You don’t wanna RILE ME, WANG FOO!

(POP!)

GF: Awesome! My pastor’s gonna flip when I give him James Caviezel’s autograph. I’ll hide the beer in the picture, though.

(POP!)

GF: Lawdy, we did the same damn thing to LSU last week. Sic ‘em, Aztec! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF. And again: MEL GIBSON IS FULL OF SHIT, pardon mah language.

(POP!)

GF: You Yankees are crazy–for livin’ where it’s so cold. Man, I’m gonna stand over here by this fire. Something smells awesome, though.

(POP!)

GF: Always root for the team in red! SIC ‘EM WOOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!

(POP!)

GF: Topless and speakin’ French? Why you all following the LSU fan? She’s just lookin’ for a corn dog BECAUSE LSU FANS LIKE CORNDOGS ARP ARP ARP ARP!

GF: I’m in a car with Erk Russell and Hitler! THE Erk Russell! He makes them trains run ON TIME!

(POP!)

GF: I ain’t impressed. You ask Willie Martinez how to blow up Hawaii proper-like next time, Chinamen!

(POP!)

GF: I don’t even know what this is. It must be gay, though.

(POP!)

GF: TECH NERDZ! AHM IN UR MOVIE, KILLIN’ UR CAPTAIN KIRK!!! NERDS! ARP ARP ARP ARP ARP ARP—

(POP!)

GF: Hey, Crazy God. How’d I do, man?

COTG: (SIGH.) BETTER THAN THOSE KISSASSES TEBOW AND RICHT, ACTUALLY. YOUR STUPIDITY WAS REFRESHING. CARRY ON.

GF: Do what?

COTG: GIT WOO SIC EM WHATEVER YOU CRETINOUS WRETCH.

GF: You heard that? HE’S A DAWG FAN! SUCK ON THAT, GAYTURDS JORTS ARP ARP ARP ARP!!!

Really? Yes? This is happening? He saddles up: shoulder pads, kneebrace, helmet. He reviews his playbook, the script for the first fifteen plays, and takes a quiet knee to collect his thoughts and ask God for protection and the wisdom to make the right decisions on the field. He rises, and the click-clack of his cleats against the concrete floor are his metronome: the symphony is about to begin.

He takes the stand, a conductor in full possession of his powers. Assmann, ready to go.

Capital quarterback Marty Assmann and Ohio State backup quarterback Todd Boeckman are total strangers, but they should do lunch sometime. Chances are the conversation wouldn’t have to start with the weather.

The conversation would probably begin: “Holy shit! You’re name is ASSMANN? YES!!! (fistpump/awkwardmoment)” Because his name really is Assmann, and he plays quarterback for Capital University, a D-III Evangelical Lutheran school in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Assmann is the second-leading passer in the Ohio Athletic Conference, and is totally and completely actually named Assmann.

Capital University, if you make the jersey, we will buy it…so long as it’s made with the Original Assmann Quality we’ve come to expect from all things Assmann. You don’t want to ruin a fine name like that. Like Assmann. Assmann. (Giggle.)

The reason is simple. Everyone else in the room should make it, except for guys like Ty. They’re dead, irradiated by a critical dose of losing, bad timing, lackluster recruiting, fluctuating oil prices, whatever. Certain coaching regimes are on courteous flatline heading into the season; the final hammer of inevitable firing only awaits one last season of confirmation.

Fatal dosage may vary depending on exposure and victories over hated rivals.

It’s possible they would survive the does, of course. Anything’s possible. But given the numbers, it ain’t likely. And unless you’re a hopeless homer, all you have are the numbers. The only three guys we can think of that are 1000 percent completely irradiated by loss and in risk of seriously aggressive firing follow. If you’re looking for surprise idiocy, look elsewhere. (”Tressel! He only runs the second-best program in the nation and that’s UNACCEPTABLE!”)

Ty Willingham. It’s rare that a coach will give a single smoking gun, a clarion reason to go ahead, contact HR, and tell them they’re about to file a bunch of paperwork they won’t particularly enjoy. Willingham has helpfully provided no single smoking gun, unless you count 2, 5, and 4, or his victory totals from the past three years. Which we do. Assume the three year trigger-finger rule, and add one for the exceptional mess inherited by Willingham, and you’ve got a four-year trial period entering this year.

But even if the win totals can be fudged with “oooh progress player development system implementation,” then consider the anecdotal ugly: the weak recruiting thus far in 2008, the “calm demeanor” that can be mistaken for “asleep at the wheel,” and the fact that it’s been five years since Willingham’s had a winning season.

What’s that noise? Um…

FORE!

That doesn’t help either, btw.

Mike Stoops. Mike Stoops could bear the crown for diminishing returns on yelling vs. results. In fact, we won’t watch him without adequate safety gear on this season, since he looks, well…damn, does he look near-Jim-Leavitt-angry most of the time? And is that even advisable for people not named Jim Leavitt? He could save his job, but given the torsion his circulatory system appears to be under, is that even a medically optimal outcome here? The Wildcats season sponsored by Lipitor and Drank, who really, really advises you to slow your roll, Coach Stoops.

If you see Mike Stoops making this face for longer than one second, call 911. He is having a stroke.

Greg Robinson. “You breathe in vain.” It’s the best insult from Shakespeare, and it’s the best summary of whatever the hell goes on at Syracuse. We don’t doubt that people show up and work very hard, and put in lots of effort, ruin their stomachs with gallons of stale coffee, and toil long hours to help the Orangemen go 2-10. We just wonder…well, effort doesn’t necessarily equal smart effort, or effective effort. Someone worked really, really hard at Pets.com, too.

Pets.com. Syracuse football. Same thing, in a sense.

It’s theoretically possible for Willingham and Stoops to save their jobs. Gadzooks, it may even be probable that Stoops saves his given WSU, Stanford, and Washington’s slide into the carport gutter of the Pac-10. Imagining that the worst three-year period in Syracuse football history won’t end with Greg Robinson’s firing seems beyond even the realm of the theoretical. They might win ten games this year, and even then an incredulous administration might fire him, assuming that, after four months in a parallel universe where Syracuse wins ten games, they have returned to reality and must take care of the serious task of finding a new coach.

The summer has reached its All Star Break. We’re way way past the eternal hope of spring practice, we’re well into the dregs of voluntary workouts, early commits, and sweaty middle aged men taking bootleg photos of younger sweatier men at two a days is not that far around the corner. Hovering just around the 40 day mark, and we’re playing Noah. Its time to start building that Ark. Bring me two of every internet rumor! Bring me that ooey gooey mortar with which to build my caulk my flood faring vessel so I can storm the coming deluge of hysteria. Its time to start getting crazy. Its time to get pumped about football. 2009 has taken up its permanent home in the Xbox, and there’s nothing left to do but sit and wait.

HOWEVER! We can start throwing around some gentlemanly wagers, so let’s start laying the lines, collecting the vig, and keeping that book of mine all nice and tidy. In what I hope will be recurring as long as I’m allowed on the blogosphere’s cool kids table, I’ll be offering up the odds for a number of college football propositions. Starting things off on the right foot, right there at the tippy tippy top, Im going to set my aims on the CEOs, the Big Men, the head coaches of these fine programs of ours.

We’ve all been there. Hell, I’ve been there more times in the past 8 years than I care to fathom. The coaching search has taken on its own sort of biblical journey in my life, so much that I created my own freaking religion to celebrate the last one, but what I’m really trying to say to a good number of you breaking in the new top guys is that I’ve been there! I feel your pain, and I know exactly what it feels like to start out with so much uncertainty, so many expectatios, all the while worried that you’re teetering on the edge of the abyss and one man, ONE MAN, can pull you out of its gaping maw. The equally dark flip side to all of this is that little voice in the back of your head, a tiny tiny TINY needling voice somewhere in your subconscious that tells you that one day very soon, the honeymoon will be over.

A coach’s best friend, especially if they like being drawn and quartered.

This brings us to the first round of The Odds: Which fanbase sharpens the pitchforks first?

You know, SEC, I’m looking squarely at YOU, but its just not that simple is it? There’s plenty of guys out there who may not exactly have worn out their welcome, but maybe its time for that seat to start getting warm for the very first time. Logic and Reason be damned. We’re pricing in the overall insanity of a collected Team Nation when we set the lines, and let’s not forget the meat grinder that is going to be this season. It’s just bound to chew up and spit out those shiny new toys as fast as it shat them out at the end of last season. Its cold, its unforgiving, its merciless. I love it.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan 5:4

This is the only photo of him we should ever use.

It goes without saying that the big old spotlight is going shine firmly on Coach Buyout for a good long time while he’s at that University of Meeechigan of his. Karma is a bitch, sir. You may have that big old paycheck of yours, but with it comes the hordes of corn and blue that want you to paste Ohio State. They’d also like a trophy for it. Hell, its the Big Ten, every win is a trophy! Meanwhile, that offense is going to have some growing pains and 3-9 Notre Dame is not an automatic win. Here’s hoping you get the lead out by Week 2, or that smug sense of Midwestern entitlement is going to rear its ugly head real fast. It should also take that long for the Mountaineers to locate, travel to, and burn down your new house.

Charlie Weis, Notre Dame, Even

Now, I know what you’re going to say. Traitor. Heretic. Episcopalian. Let’s take a step back and realize that not every Irish fan is the most rational when it comes to their team. For every diehard posting all the news thats fit to print (as long as it says we’re improving), there’s scores of hand wringers ready to say the sky is falling. This will be the case until someone actually wins a bowl game and/or national title. These are really the only two (one?) concrete ways to end the unending Notre Dame Comeback Tour in my lifetime. Look. I’m not saying the Irish will be bad. I’m not saying Weis turns it around this year. What I am saying is that somehow, someway, EVERYBODY WILL PANIC at some point in the season. You can practically set your watch to it.

Bobby Petrino, Arkansas 3:1

Getting the belt: not always pretty.

WOOOOOOOOOOO! We’re saying that in the Ric Flair fashion and not the traditional Pig Sooey! The Hogs subtract one Humanity Advanced, drop a close one or two, and the crazy parents start rearing their gly heads again. I’m not going to put it past Mrs. Mustain to stop her handiwork until the entire state burns down, and there’s always the decent chance that Houston Nutt finds some way to win over at Ole Miss. That, my friends, would be a big ol’ beefy forearm to the bread basket. WOOOOOO!

Rick Neuheisel, UCLA 8:1

What kind of oddsmaker would I be if I didn’t bring up my favorite? I know its a long shot. The warming glow of Golden Boy out there in Westwood is sure to last a long time, especially coming out of the zealous Fire Dorell crusade. BUT, I have to say that shiny new coach or not, getting one’s ass kicked by Southern Cal sure has to grind one’s gears. The ridiculous mojo that was Karl is no more, so the Bruins are definitely mortal against the Trojans, and Pete Carroll is sure to want to exact sweet, loving revenge at the hands of his least favorite spoilers. Its going to be a lot like “300.” This will not be quick, and you will not enjoy it. Optimism fades real quick when the Humanitarian finds a way to hang 60 on you.

When we think “Southern California” and 300, we tend to think of other things, actually.—ed.

Your hoax-fu is weak, grasshopper. 36 year-old Nebraska fan James Conradt, next time you post an expertly crafted hoax about Sam Bradford and Landry Jones being arrested on cocaine possession that looks just like an article from the Daily Oklahoman, make sure you slip some detail letting everyone know it’s a hoax instead of writing a flat, deadpan account of two young football players getting busted for yayo. Say they did it right after Oklahoma’s victory in a recent BCS title game, for example. That should do it.

Landry Jones father on the legal options:

“I’m going to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law,” said Kevin Jones, Landry’s father. “I’ve got deep enough pockets to do it.”

Considering the story was reported as fact in Houston and Austin, we suggest Conradt seek protection in Texas, where there’s people who will actually pay him to do this all year.

We can only assume the original release date was January 7th. Order Jim Tressel’s inspirational read NOW to learn the secrets of success the Sweatervesty way. Save all Maurice Clarett jokes, please, and consider that the bulky pages of Tressel’s tome may be a less efficient method of feeling like a winner than the simple motivational guide Dennis Erickson uses every morning.

Print this out, place between the covers of a binder, and label it “OPEN IN CASE OF DOUBT.”

See? Cheaper, and it works for Cap’n Dennis every day. Your awesome.

He’s considering thinking about insulting you! We swear! You know what’s great about vindictiveness? It’s unproductive and unflattering at the same time! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have [NAME REDACTED] jokes to write. What contradiction?

Clock? Who fucking knows? At least we outscored Dodd, if only by one point: a 47 was our total, though we would point out that on any question that ended with “Clock?” we just hit “c” and moved on. The quiz is balls-out difficult, and proof that either football fans are far, far dumber when it comes to rules comprehension than previously thought, or that the rules are unnecessarily arcane and impossible to interpret correctly on the fly–a proposition we’re more likely to believe when SMQ gets a meager 55 on the thing.

(Take the test for yourself if you doubt its ferocity. See? This is why we didn’t go to law school. LOGIC FAIL.)

Pete Carroll is a fan of Pete Carroll. We saw it on Facebook. It must be true:

Carroll has also hit Facebook critical mass and has zero friend slots left, maxing out his 5000 person network. Social networking, your amazing capacities cannot hold the Humanitarian’s magnitude. It was a noble effort, though.

Arkansas faithful have been through the coaching equivalent of having your mom leave the meth lab proprietor for the traveling salesman with the clammy handshake, and as the sports beat carousel grinds into motion for fall, take a look between the lines at the coverage from Fayetteville, and the fine bouquet of “FAMILY!” and “TRADITION!” and “STABILITY!” wafting from every passage….with just a soupcon of “…RIGHT?”

Arkansas News Bureau: Bobby Petrino knows where he came from! Bobby Petrino respects his elders! Bobby Petrino’s one a’them faincy triple-option folks, but he’s not here to hurt you!

Arkansas Democrat Gazette: Bobby Petrino loves his kid! And has always given him a seven-minute warning to pack his things before beating a path out of town! His family is settling into the community nicely!

KTHV Little Rock: Bobby Petrino is looking forward to August! Look at his eyes flickering back and forth. Now, trust him. Just this once. Because this is the only time he’ll ever mean it when he says he’ll still be here in two months.

Sporting News: Casey Dick’s stock, a steady “buy”. Poor kid, finally. And he’s only got one more season, so if his coach cuts and runs, Dick will at least be safe in the warm embrace of the combine.

Yes, everything’s coming up Bobby. Um, except the Falcons. Ow.