Plus Vince Young’s roommate had the last name “McCoy,” and Colt McCoy’s roommate has the last name “Young”! OK, that’s completely false, but ESPN Big 12 blogger Tim Griffin has found some remarkable similarities between the Texas teams of 2005 and 2009. Leaving aside the irrelevant “Y-O-U-N-G and M-C-C-O-Y both have five letters!!!1!!1!” coinky-dinks, there are indeed a striking number of parallels here, not the least of which is the fact that if UT takes the BCS championship this season, they, like the ‘05 squad, likely will have notched a huge title-game upset over a team that had been shoved down our throats for months as the GREATEST DYNASTY EVAR. Those who forget history, doomed to repeat it, etc. etc. etc.

All right, everybody, time for backstroke drills! Practice has begun for teams across the country, and some had an easier time of it than others:

RALEIGH – N.C. State’s preseason practice is off to a stormy start.

At one point, a sideline yard marker began floating in a stream of rainwater that had drained to the side of the field.

Not an auspicious beginning for a program that’s been touted for dark-horse status in the ACC this year, but when two of your first three games are against Murray State and Gardner-Webb, maybe you can afford to write off a preseason practice or two.

Neologism of the day. In other practice news, first-year Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, too, has begun fall practice on the Plains, which really isn’t that newsworthy in and of itself but is a good time to introduce a new word I’ve been meaning to get started. With Sylvester Croom gone, we need a new word to replace “Croomed,” so I propose that if a coach loses to a Chizik-coached Auburn team in such an embarrassing fashion that he gets fired, that coach will be said to have been “Chizzwhacked.” Go ahead, spread it around.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, an entirely different kind of whacking is going on. How did we miss this comment from Nick Saban at SEC Media Days?

“We appreciate our fans,” Alabama coach Nick Saban said at SEC Media Days. “They certainly give a lot of positive self-gratification to our players, which is the most important thing. . . . “

Further comment? None, thanks for asking.

First recorded instance of “pig sooey” in a rap song? We’re going to go with yes. Since we posted that ricockulous “Tim Tebow Song” video the other day, in the interest of equal time we’re now going to hear from one of Florida’s 2009 opponents: Arkansas, specifically wide receiver Reggie Fish. Behold: “I Ball.”

The title of “Next Barkevious Mingo” is not one we take lightly around here. SI.com’s Andy Staples scours the recruiting sites for the next great name in college football. God’s Power Offor retains a healthy lead in that race, but make no mistake, Indiana Faithful and Munchie Legaux will be mounting strong efforts down the stretch.

Ahhh, Colt McCoy, WHATTAPLAYA: Prepare for a Musburgering unseen since Maurice Clarett and his lint roller rolled through the dirty streets of Columbus.

To alleviate this problem ahead of time, we offer up 29 alternate names for Colt McCoy. See? You’ve heard the name so many times you don’t even realize how outrageously fake his name really is: part firearm, horse, and Scottish, with just a hint of prominent car dealership owner and porn star thrown in. You let it trip off your tongue like it doesn’t reek of Walker, Texas Ranger script without even noticing, so used to the absurdity of it are you.

It’s a shame repetition bleeds the novelty out of even the weirdest things, but it happens. Therefore, college football fans, we present the Official Alternative But Equivalent Names for Colt McCoy for 2009.

Horse O’Shy
McClain Dudeflinch
Bear Canebreak
Python Smith
Hawk Cantanker
Magnum O’Reilly
Snake Triscuit
Patterson O’Buffalochickentender
Bacon McLean
Fizzbitch McLanahan
Prariedog Campbell
Kentigern Smithenwessen
Broncoface Fraser
Tavish McAwesomeblossom
Glockpheasant McGillicuddy
Armalite Kerr-Rattlesnake
Winchester Stewart
Remington Ponymaster
Mikel McArmistice Poplarfist
Bell Windraper
Thomas Alva Ladyflowerpuncher
Donnan Lambfister
Tek-9 Findley
Mingus Deathrattle
Tartan Hollowpointer
Deertick Docherty
Derringer Shinkick
Shybones O’Reilly

Use them well. (Inspired by this, of course.)

The very gates of Vienna are ahead of us, ripe for the taking! Let us show the Ottoman the proper way to storm a city; lend me thy steel, and stand for Mingovia and all she stands for in our final contest against Iris Macadangdang, the Filipina temptress brought to test Mingo’s resolve and well-known weakness for Adobo-scented females! Oh, they picked their bullets well, but the ordnance that can pierce the hide of a determined Mingovia has yet to be devised.

Vote here. No link reloading. (COUGH COUGH Tennessee COUGH.) Mingo needs no cheating to win…only the love of his devoted charges as manifested in clicks of the bubble next to his exalted name.

THE STEAMPUNK EMPEROR WILL TRIUMPH. Mark these words. He will prevail, and then tour his newly conquered lands tossing the finest fruits and breads from his dirigible palacefort.

The voting for the Final Four has begun–vote, Mingovians, and support your Steampunk Emperor on his way to NOTY glory. Two more victories and we shall join the pantheon including Assumption Bulltron and God Shammgod!

Once more into the breach, for Mingovia is under attack! Vote early, vote often, and stave off the ravages of Crystal Metheny, who deserves neither your pity nor your vote! GO MINGOVIANS! THE WALLS OF OUR FAIR KINGDOM SHAKE WITH THE BRAVE SACRIFICES OF YOUR PRODUCTIVE TIME!!!

Your Steampunk Emperor needs your steel to fight another perilous battle against our common foes in the NOTY bracket. This time, the heinous CRYSTAL METHENY is attempting to place her jittery, filthy hands upon the fine lapels of our greatcoat. Who knows where those hands have been: strangling a bus driver for spare change, caressing the scabby flesh of one of her fellow laudanum fiends…EMBRACING A SPANIARD, EVEN? Keep our epaulets clean, and cast a vote for BARKEVIOUS MINGO, a.k.a. SHIFT-ALT-DELICIOUS, a.k.a. THE BARON OF RENT-TO-OWN, a.k.a. BILLY OCEAN!!!

Go now, and be spared the wrath of our scourging dirigible-palaces and their hail of man-killing incendiary shrapnel-eggs! GO FORTH AND VOTE FOR MINGO, AND FOR ALL OF MINGOVIA!

Join us, and we shall watch our fearless leader Barkevious Mingo soar o’er all others in his mighty dirigiblegyrocopterlocomotiveship!

Football players’ names that should exist: Produced in cooperation with the Great Barstoolio.

Clampett Rank

“Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell

Delisharious Sluts Barkin

Publix Euripedes Jelfry

Gas Station Montclair

Anklette Digiorno Jackson

Ford Taurus Explosion

Shrubbery Hopkins

Hobie Ray Jims

Jims Ray Hobie

Slimshot McGonnarray

Prevaricate Anthony Stingrae

Hammer Warren

Wave Nebuchanezzar (sp) Wilson

Peacedonkey Valtrex Murphy

Shelf Roger Petersonskins

51 Cent Evans

Google Hampton

Threepac Davey

Traenavarious Ishus

Hopalong Leggety

Shed McRabbity

Jonas Jonas Jonas

Tarranchulus Berry

Leech L’Avenueshus

Bicycling Treestump

D’D'Deadrick Simmons

Jester Esophagus

Tai’rant

Windowblinds Sears

Luc Barnnnnnns

Chicago Asiatic Sainsbury

Lo’Mayne Noodul

Cheyld Model

Perfectivus Flexor

Transporter Williams

Lyon Maine Luxurior

Jump Start Jones

Excalibur Melvin

Book Biinder Librarious

Exeter Nooseman Mooseberry

Mats Kurdpummler

Wilhelm Horsstryker

Wraythe Odyawantu

Telephone Koala

Xerxes McGruff

Liberty Mutuous

Contrariant Snyder

Johnny Birdshot Labrodeau’eax’or

Derek Snoofdgiver

Eaux D’licious

Dade Catgiver

Gater D. Wrestleheimer

Cousin Pregnacious

Zartan D’Litigate

Ozzy Turkoluxe

Markupp Oxenfeed

Jamacious Islander

Chow Chow

D’Tergent Tide

Ho Lo Ho

Agrebeyanu Effendi Rothstein

Tampain Assious

Unikorne Tradewinds

Beastious Elephante (with an accented e)

Saturday Next Weekly

Bizkit Seepage Cromartie

Geechat Wheel

Peptide Wilson

Facebook Holmes

% Rogers (pronounced percentage)

Homey Benz

Evolusia Benson

Roald Chain Samson

Globe Evans

Never Scared Anderson

Statue Of Liberty Nelson

Mandible Hoschauer

Babaghanoush Treereaper

Dirk Dirk Mahoney

Glubnuk Giggety

Ewok Bentley

Jeeves Jeeves

Rajiv Patmanutsak

Pornjib Thaiporn

Little Girl Gerald

Kingly Ransom

Old Testament Turner

Revalations Nook

Federal Hogg

Roger Tableau

Weevil Benders

Pee Pee Beaxjangles

Deeveedee Barnes

Molehill Skerrit

Nash Bridges

Optimator Cranderson

Plains Artshoop

Workable Littleton

Hardmon Hardman

Trayne Tracks

Eissfloe Amundsen

Independence Hall

Dadabase Manson

Javanese Oarman

Picasoh Sanders

Puerto Rico McNally

Ram Page

Church Bell Landiso

Go support your leader and his majestic epaulets! Help him vanquish his inferiors, even though he obviously does not need your help, for he is MINGO!

When having the star of Rodger Dodger’s entire name within your name is only the second most noteworthy thing about your name, you’ve truly got a moniker worthy of inscription on public granite. Tremendous Campbell-Scott is no Lemongello/Orangello urban myth: he is real and plays for Vigor High School, which unlike other schools goes to class without tiring for 12 periods straight before launching into a rigorous 2 hour PT session and subsequent nightly dance contest.

Recruiting is still not over (it’s never over oh no it’s never over) as Orson Charles, who could have been so much for this site and for Florida, will decide at 3:45 p.m. between USC, Tennessee, and Georgia. At this point we’re rooting for him to go to Georgia or USC, if only to keep him from the clutches of Kiffykins. We’re not concerned about Kiffykins’ mounting threat blah blah blah…we just don’t want him to spout off about the clandestine methods they used to get Charles. “See, we had Ed Orgeron execute a HALO jump to escape radar, and he lived in the woods for three weeks outside Charles’ house without him knowing it. You know, just to keep an eye on him. Not a single living rattlesnake left in those woods now, by the way.

You’ll never believe this, but this is the cleanest image Google has on page one that isn’t a woman’s vagina or Ben Jones for the search term “Cooter.”

Our first all-star team comes from the Big East, who sets the bar high with a roster of names so colorful they belong in a Tom Robbins’ novel.

The Big East All-Name Team, 2008.

QB: Jabu Lovelace, Rutgers. Just waiting to freak all of you with his sensual moves and tender, loving body, assembled ladies of the Big East. All game, all night. Love, Jabu.

Business time has a new name: Jabu o’clock, ladies.

RB: LaRod Stephens-Howling. “LaRod Stephens-Howling, noted art critic, botanist, adventurer, MP, important member of the Oxford Footlights Theatrical Troupe, memoirist, discoverer of no fewer than three lost tribes of the lower Okavango River Delta, and outstanding running back for the University of Pittsburgh.” We feel classier just typing his name. Little known fact: wears a cravat at all times, even under his uniform.

Honorable mention, RB: Isiah Pead, Cincinnati. Juvenile, yes; effective, yes.

WR: Dontavia Bogan, USF. The fusion of a faux-Latinate synth-name and the Aussie word for “chav” is simply irresistable. A more Americanized version of the name would be “Expelvia Cracker.”

WR: Marshwan Gilyard, Cincinnati. The kind of name born to be announced during a Thursday night ESPN contest. Also give the announcer the chance to make satisfying “Schwa” noise in the middle of the name, and if that keep Mike Patrick stable enough to not kill six men a night in barfights after the game, we’ll encourage ESPN to schedule as many Bearcat games as possible this year.

WR: Tiquan Underwood, Rutgers. Pronounced “Tai-kwan,” and coupled with a name synonymous with quality canned deviled ham. Doubt the validity of the phrase “quality canned deviled ham,” but do not deny the deep awesome of this name.

TE: Rock Keys, Louisville. Porn star, tight end…whatever. The only way this name could ooze more testosterone is if his coach adopted him, and he became “Rock Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large.” We’re not saying Steve Kragthorpe’s whole name is “Steve Kragthorpe, Commando-at-large;” however, if your name is as ballsy as “Rock Kragthorpe,” it should naturally have a title like “commando-at-large” following it.

OL: Selvish Capers, West Virginia. Dastardly 18th century villain and child labor enthusiast!

OL: Alex LaMagdelaine, UConn. Author of several of the most moving romances your wife will read this year.

OL: Tucker Baumbach, Syracuse. In his spare time directs affecting family dramas.

OL: Jatavious Jackson, USF. An alliterative masterpiece, with the first name as an adjective of undefined value. We suggest this definition:

Jatavious: Ja-ta-vi-ous, adj. Sexually audacious in a devious way. Usage: “The way he kept multiple mistresses on hold for years at a time was positively jatavious.“

OL: Marlon Romulus, Rutgers. Mythic and astronomical in a single name. An offensive lineman’s name with girth and appropriate bulk.

K: San San Te, Rutgers. Continuing Rutgers “trend of two” of recruiting Asian kickers.

DT: Scooter Berry, WVU. Aw, look at him! His name’s “Scooter!” He’s just so cuuuuute AAHHHHH GOOOOODDDD GET HIM OFF OF ME THE PAIN AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

DT: Sampson Genus, USF. Having a defensive tackle named “Sampson Genus” should give you two points on the board already in every conference game.

DE: Jarriett Buie, USF. BUUUUUUUUIIIEEEEEE!!!!

DE: Rodney Gnat, Louisville. Pesky, agile defender. A bit undersized.

LB: Brouce Mompremier, USF. THE Brouce Mompremier? A name stuck somewhere between the regular nightclub singer at the Grand Cayman Hilton and Caribbean dictator.

LB: Andre Revels, Cincinnati. Further bonus points are given for names that are full sentences in their own right. “Andre revels? Well, good for him.”

LB: Ovid Goulbourne, WVU. The “master of love” himself will caress and hold down the weak side as only a true magister amoris can.

CB: Woodny Turenne, Louisville. If you agonize between naming your child “Woody” or “Rodney”, your solution is here at last.

CB: Guesly Dervil, WVU. A name deemed “too fake” by J.R.R. Tolkien for use in The Hobbit.

FS: Franchot “Boogie” Allen, WVU. Double winner for badass French first name and a mandatory nickname included in the roster.

SS: Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers. Saw them at SXSW. Amazing. To hell with Wolf Parade; these guys have the juice, man.

Punter: Teddy Dellaganna, Rutgers. A weak field means Teddy Dellaganna is our official all name punter for the Big East, forcing us to rely on lame Italian jokes re: Rutgers as usual. Pasta! Mamma mia! Organized crime-a! Basta!

Team Baby Entertainment is the company that has the rights to the “Baby (Insert Team Name Here)” series, and they must have sent out a ton of offseason press releases at once, because news crews starving for fluff stories everywhere picked them up like mad over the past few months, resulting in this spate of videos.

First, the Baby Gator. Hey! I’ll shoot the first motherfucker who makes a jorts joke! Because you know, that NEVER gets old or inaccurate!

(For those with Youtube blocked, try this. It might work.)

“We’ve tried to get him excited about the Gators…by having him watch Daddy watch the game.” In our experience, this will only confirm the child’s inborn suspicion that Daddy suspects the child of being the spawn of another man, and like a Siberian Tiger will devour him, since Daddy spends most of the game screaming in a blind rage and committing invisible homicides in his head. “I wish this pillow was a KNIFE!, Bobby Bowden!”

Yes, the video would be the only thing to get little Junior to “take part in the fun!”

There’s also the Notre Dame video, hawked by Regis on his show with the decorum you’ve come to expect from him.

If they really wanted to indoctrinate the kid, they’d teach him how to spell “Everyone’s out to get us!”, but we understand that’s a bit advanced for the pre-K set.

There’s the Longhorn/Sooner dueling baby tapes from the “Good Morning, Texas!” show, done with requisite cooing and ahhing from the female co-anchors.

It is so hard for me not to hear Peter in my head when watching the Oklahoma baby tape. “Meth! M-E-T-H!” We will not make another meth joke. We will not make another meth joke. But no, you can’t buy it with an EBT card. (Damn you, Peter!) Just kidding! We don’t mean that about Oklahoma at all. About South Carolina, perhaps; but not about the Sooners, coached by our close personal friend Bob Stoops.

In all fairness, the Texas tape includes a shock treatment section involving the words “Barry Switzer.” It all comes out in the wash, really.

The Arkansas tape’s segment amuses us endlessly. Mostly because of the anchor’s phrasing:

“Imagine that you could give your kids a head start in spelling and color recognition–you know, the important things in life–but with Razorback style.” We would like to suggest that no SEC fanbase (Florida included) brag about the importance of speling (sp?) or “color recognition.” That last bit, especially.