Everyday Should Be Saturday

August 5, 2009

CURIOUS INDEX, 8/5/09


presidents_texas

Plus Vince Young’s roommate had the last name “McCoy,” and Colt McCoy’s roommate has the last name “Young”! OK, that’s completely false, but ESPN Big 12 blogger Tim Griffin has found some remarkable similarities between the Texas teams of 2005 and 2009. Leaving aside the irrelevant “Y-O-U-N-G and M-C-C-O-Y both have five letters!!!1!!1!” coinky-dinks, there are indeed a striking number of parallels here, not the least of which is the fact that if UT takes the BCS championship this season, they, like the ‘05 squad, likely will have notched a huge title-game upset over a team that had been shoved down our throats for months as the GREATEST DYNASTY EVAR. Those who forget history, doomed to repeat it, etc. etc. etc.

All right, everybody, time for backstroke drills! Practice has begun for teams across the country, and some had an easier time of it than others:

RALEIGH – N.C. State’s preseason practice is off to a stormy start.

The Wolfpack managed to get in about three-quarters of its first practice yesterday before lightning and a heavy downpour forced the coaches to call off the last 30 minutes of practice.

At one point, a sideline yard marker began floating in a stream of rainwater that had drained to the side of the field.

Not an auspicious beginning for a program that’s been touted for dark-horse status in the ACC this year, but when two of your first three games are against Murray State and Gardner-Webb, maybe you can afford to write off a preseason practice or two.

Neologism of the day. In other practice news, first-year Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, too, has begun fall practice on the Plains, which really isn’t that newsworthy in and of itself but is a good time to introduce a new word I’ve been meaning to get started. With Sylvester Croom gone, we need a new word to replace “Croomed,” so I propose that if a coach loses to a Chizik-coached Auburn team in such an embarrassing fashion that he gets fired, that coach will be said to have been “Chizzwhacked.” Go ahead, spread it around.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, an entirely different kind of whacking is going on. How did we miss this comment from Nick Saban at SEC Media Days?

“We appreciate our fans,” Alabama coach Nick Saban said at SEC Media Days. “They certainly give a lot of positive self-gratification to our players, which is the most important thing. . . . “

Further comment? None, thanks for asking.

First recorded instance of “pig sooey” in a rap song? We’re going to go with yes. Since we posted that ricockulous “Tim Tebow Song” video the other day, in the interest of equal time we’re now going to hear from one of Florida’s 2009 opponents: Arkansas, specifically wide receiver Reggie Fish. Behold: “I Ball.”

The title of “Next Barkevious Mingo” is not one we take lightly around here. SI.com’s Andy Staples scours the recruiting sites for the next great name in college football. God’s Power Offor retains a healthy lead in that race, but make no mistake, Indiana Faithful and Munchie Legaux will be mounting strong efforts down the stretch.

July 20, 2009

ALL-NAME TEAM: GOD’S POWER OFFER

The Miami Herald’s list of up and coming players for the 2011 high school football season includes a kid whose picture we can’t find anywhere on these fine internets. Thus, this photo of American High’s rising defensive end God’s Power Offer will have to do.

falcorDE

June 9, 2009

29 ALTERNATE NAMES FOR COLT MCCOY

You will get tired of hearing his name, especially when ABC begins to pump its Big 12 lineup starting in October and you start looking LIVE at Brent Musburger’s face-plant into the Big 12 South schedule. This won’t be Colt McCoy’s fault at all, because he’s quite good, and guilty only of that and playing for a high profile team and probable national title contender (along with perennial stiff-armed trophy candidate, if you care about that sort of thing.)

texas_tailgate_2
Ahhh, Colt McCoy, WHATTAPLAYA: Prepare for a Musburgering unseen since Maurice Clarett and his lint roller rolled through the dirty streets of Columbus.

To alleviate this problem ahead of time, we offer up 29 alternate names for Colt McCoy. See? You’ve heard the name so many times you don’t even realize how outrageously fake his name really is: part firearm, horse, and Scottish, with just a hint of prominent car dealership owner and porn star thrown in. You let it trip off your tongue like it doesn’t reek of Walker, Texas Ranger script without even noticing, so used to the absurdity of it are you.

It’s a shame repetition bleeds the novelty out of even the weirdest things, but it happens. Therefore, college football fans, we present the Official Alternative But Equivalent Names for Colt McCoy for 2009.

Horse O’Shy
McClain Dudeflinch
Bear Canebreak
Python Smith
Hawk Cantanker
Magnum O’Reilly
Snake Triscuit
Patterson O’Buffalochickentender (more…)

April 20, 2009

ONCE MORE, MINGOVIANS

mingopoleon

The very gates of Vienna are ahead of us, ripe for the taking! Let us show the Ottoman the proper way to storm a city; lend me thy steel, and stand for Mingovia and all she stands for in our final contest against Iris Macadangdang, the Filipina temptress brought to test Mingo’s resolve and well-known weakness for Adobo-scented females! Oh, they picked their bullets well, but the ordnance that can pierce the hide of a determined Mingovia has yet to be devised.

Vote here. No link reloading. (COUGH COUGH Tennessee COUGH.) Mingo needs no cheating to win…only the love of his devoted charges as manifested in clicks of the bubble next to his exalted name.

THE STEAMPUNK EMPEROR WILL TRIUMPH. Mark these words. He will prevail, and then tour his newly conquered lands tossing the finest fruits and breads from his dirigible palacefort.

April 14, 2009

VICTORY IS IN SIGHT, MINGOVIANS

Mingovians! Crystal Metheney, having fought a valiant battle, finally ran out of Des Moines Disco Dust and lost her pep. ALL HAIL MINGO! I claimed her mechanical elephant in your name, Mingovians: the reflected glory of its ivory tusk and steam-powered trumpeting is both mine and yours. BUT MOSTLY MINE!

mingo_finalfour

The voting for the Final Four has begun–vote, Mingovians, and support your Steampunk Emperor on his way to NOTY glory. Two more victories and we shall join the pantheon including Assumption Bulltron and God Shammgod!

April 13, 2009

MINGOVIANS! TO THE FRONT!

Once more into the breach, for Mingovia is under attack! Vote early, vote often, and stave off the ravages of Crystal Metheny, who deserves neither your pity nor your vote! GO MINGOVIANS! THE WALLS OF OUR FAIR KINGDOM SHAKE WITH THE BRAVE SACRIFICES OF YOUR PRODUCTIVE TIME!!!

April 9, 2009

YOUR LEADER CALLS ON YOU AGAIN, MINGOVIANS

barkevious_drgbl

Your Steampunk Emperor needs your steel to fight another perilous battle against our common foes in the NOTY bracket. This time, the heinous CRYSTAL METHENY is attempting to place her jittery, filthy hands upon the fine lapels of our greatcoat. Who knows where those hands have been: strangling a bus driver for spare change, caressing the scabby flesh of one of her fellow laudanum fiends…EMBRACING A SPANIARD, EVEN? Keep our epaulets clean, and cast a vote for BARKEVIOUS MINGO, a.k.a. SHIFT-ALT-DELICIOUS, a.k.a. THE BARON OF RENT-TO-OWN, a.k.a. BILLY OCEAN!!!

Go now, and be spared the wrath of our scourging dirigible-palaces and their hail of man-killing incendiary shrapnel-eggs! GO FORTH AND VOTE FOR MINGO, AND FOR ALL OF MINGOVIA!

April 6, 2009

ATTENTION CITIZENS OF MINGOVIA!

Your fearless leader is behind to the lowly but still colorfully named Taco Vandevelde in the Name of the Year Bracket! Support your leader, and let the greater glory of the Sovereign Republic of Mingovia be known to all!

Join us, and we shall watch our fearless leader Barkevious Mingo soar o’er all others in his mighty dirigiblegyrocopterlocomotiveship!

March 18, 2009

FOOTBALL NAMES THAT SHOULD EXIST

This post sponsored by Publix, who’d be honored to have a football player named after their fine chain of grocery stores.

publix

Football players’ names that should exist: Produced in cooperation with the Great Barstoolio.

Clampett Rank

“Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell

Delisharious Sluts Barkin

Publix Euripedes Jelfry

Gas Station Montclair

Anklette Digiorno Jackson

Ford Taurus Explosion (more…)

BARKEVIOUS MINGO NEEDS YOUR HELP

The Republic of Mingovia needs your help, citizen. The Sovereign Lord and Paramount Leader of The Steampunk Republic (and erstwhile LSU linebacker) is up against formidable competition in The Name Of The Year bracket. Inferior competition, yes, but competition nonetheless: a cabbie named Chew Kok, Iona Knipl, and Attila Bucko.

steampunkmingo_ms

Go support your leader and his majestic epaulets
! Help him vanquish his inferiors, even though he obviously does not need your help, for he is MINGO!

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