The very gates of Vienna are ahead of us, ripe for the taking! Let us show the Ottoman the proper way to storm a city; lend me thy steel, and stand for Mingovia and all she stands for in our final contest against Iris Macadangdang, the Filipina temptress brought to test Mingo’s resolve and well-known weakness for Adobo-scented females! Oh, they picked their bullets well, but the ordnance that can pierce the hide of a determined Mingovia has yet to be devised.
Vote here. No link reloading. (COUGH COUGH Tennessee COUGH.) Mingo needs no cheating to win…only the love of his devoted charges as manifested in clicks of the bubble next to his exalted name.
THE STEAMPUNK EMPEROR WILL TRIUMPH. Mark these words. He will prevail, and then tour his newly conquered lands tossing the finest fruits and breads from his dirigible palacefort.
Mingovians! Crystal Metheney, having fought a valiant battle, finally ran out of Des Moines Disco Dust and lost her pep. ALL HAIL MINGO! I claimed her mechanical elephant in your name, Mingovians: the reflected glory of its ivory tusk and steam-powered trumpeting is both mine and yours. BUT MOSTLY MINE!
The voting for the Final Four has begun–vote, Mingovians, and support your Steampunk Emperor on his way to NOTY glory. Two more victories and we shall join the pantheon including Assumption Bulltron and God Shammgod!
Once more into the breach, for Mingovia is under attack! Vote early, vote often, and stave off the ravages of Crystal Metheny, who deserves neither your pity nor your vote! GO MINGOVIANS! THE WALLS OF OUR FAIR KINGDOM SHAKE WITH THE BRAVE SACRIFICES OF YOUR PRODUCTIVE TIME!!!
Your Steampunk Emperor needs your steel to fight another perilous battle against our common foes in the NOTY bracket. This time, the heinous CRYSTAL METHENY is attempting to place her jittery, filthy hands upon the fine lapels of our greatcoat. Who knows where those hands have been: strangling a bus driver for spare change, caressing the scabby flesh of one of her fellow laudanum fiends…EMBRACING A SPANIARD, EVEN? Keep our epaulets clean, and cast a vote for BARKEVIOUS MINGO, a.k.a. SHIFT-ALT-DELICIOUS, a.k.a. THE BARON OF RENT-TO-OWN, a.k.a. BILLY OCEAN!!!
Go now, and be spared the wrath of our scourging dirigible-palaces and their hail of man-killing incendiary shrapnel-eggs! GO FORTH AND VOTE FOR MINGO, AND FOR ALL OF MINGOVIA!
Your fearless leader is behind to the lowly but still colorfully named Taco Vandevelde in the Name of the Year Bracket! Support your leader, and let the greater glory of the Sovereign Republic of Mingovia be known to all!
Join us, and we shall watch our fearless leader Barkevious Mingo soar o’er all others in his mighty dirigiblegyrocopterlocomotiveship!
This post sponsored by Publix, who’d be honored to have a football player named after their fine chain of grocery stores.
Football players’ names that should exist: Produced in cooperation with the Great Barstoolio.
Clampett Rank
“Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell
Delisharious Sluts Barkin
Publix Euripedes Jelfry
Gas Station Montclair
Anklette Digiorno Jackson
Ford Taurus Explosion (more…)
The Republic of Mingovia needs your help, citizen. The Sovereign Lord and Paramount Leader of The Steampunk Republic (and erstwhile LSU linebacker) is up against formidable competition in The Name Of The Year bracket. Inferior competition, yes, but competition nonetheless: a cabbie named Chew Kok, Iona Knipl, and Attila Bucko.
Go support your leader and his majestic epaulets! Help him vanquish his inferiors, even though he obviously does not need your help, for he is MINGO!
When does having the name “Quinterrius Eatmon” put you on the second-string of your own high school’s all-name team? When Tremendous Campbell-Scott is up running this bitch, that’s when.
When having the star of Rodger Dodger’s entire name within your name is only the second most noteworthy thing about your name, you’ve truly got a moniker worthy of inscription on public granite. Tremendous Campbell-Scott is no Lemongello/Orangello urban myth: he is real and plays for Vigor High School, which unlike other schools goes to class without tiring for 12 periods straight before launching into a rigorous 2 hour PT session and subsequent nightly dance contest.
College Park brings the fire with Kowaski Kitchens, who should get a scholarship for the style points he brings with him alone.
Recruiting is still not over (it’s never over oh no it’s never over) as Orson Charles, who could have been so much for this site and for Florida, will decide at 3:45 p.m. between USC, Tennessee, and Georgia. At this point we’re rooting for him to go to Georgia or USC, if only to keep him from the clutches of Kiffykins. We’re not concerned about Kiffykins’ mounting threat blah blah blah…we just don’t want him to spout off about the clandestine methods they used to get Charles. “See, we had Ed Orgeron execute a HALO jump to escape radar, and he lived in the woods for three weeks outside Charles’ house without him knowing it. You know, just to keep an eye on him. Not a single living rattlesnake left in those woods now, by the way.
How magnificently skewed is the American South? We even have black dudes named “Cooter.” Who, ironically enough, hails from Mocksville, North Carolina. He joins other collegiate athletes from the pantheon of appropriately paired name/hometown combos like Phartric Windley of Gas Hollow, Kentucky and Dick Handler of Stainsheet, Mississippi.
You’ll never believe this, but this is the cleanest image Google has on page one that isn’t a woman’s vagina or Ben Jones for the search term “Cooter.”
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