Holly: Huzzah, Homecoming!

Orson: Northwestern@ Iowa. Mediocre thing to match: Push-ups. Insubstantial, cold, and frustrating because after all that pushing and licking, it’s really just z-grade corn syrup, carageenan, and fake citrus flavoring all jammed in semi-appealing package. Iowa will be the nub left at the end, the little useless plastic wheel you’re left with at the end. We know where this season is headed, and it is sad Push-Up territory.

Holly: That you can’t quite suck all the orange froth out of. Although, don’t get me wrong, a transitive loss to Syracuse would reverse my desire to burn Ricky Stanzi as a witch.

Orson: Right. Neither team wears orange, but that would wreck a barely passable metaphor.

Holly: (I love push-ups. Sorry. Be grateful you left the parallelogram. They’re like currency here.) Virginia at Miami mediocre thing: Virginia football fans?

Orson: Or Al Groh, a mediocre coach for mediocre fans. Which came first? We have an ontological problem here.

Holly: Which came first? According to Miami fans, it’s…I’m sorry, this is just a drawing of an ibis calling me a fag.

Orson: They hand those out pretty liberally.

Holly: Wisconsin at Indiana.

Orson: Wisconsin is going to destroy Indiana. They beat Purdue 37-0 last week, and Indiana is so star-crossed this year they couldn’t win a game where Iowa handed them five turnovers just to amuse themselves. That is Crom laughing double hard at your ass.

Holly: What the hell does beating Purdue count for this year? I like Bill Lynch and his softshoe.

Holly: Speaking of which: Dancing with the Stars. Less talky, more spandex. America’s Best Dance Crew owns your filler-packed ass.

Orson: I pair this game with Wisconsin’s own Miller Lite. Miller Lite: you’ll probably drink it, because it’s beer.

Holly: Sakerlina at Arkansas.

Orson: Ooh, ooh! I’ve got it. Jimmy Dean Microwave Biscuits.

Holly: They make biscuits? (I guess that answers my question.)

Orson: They suck because even when you’re choking them down you can taste that they’re made of pork asshole and sawdust. Even that realization doesn’t keep them from being little miracles of prepackaged crack you can heat up in seconds in your microwave. (Food that requires this little effort has to make you die.)

Holly: So, the Hawgs are patty-fied, you’re saying. (Also, they make your hands greasy. Hope SC’s worked on ball control since they lost to Lane Kiffin.)

Orson: I’m saying that if you put Arkansas into a microwave for thirty seconds, something’s gonna die. And if you apply the heat of the South Carolina defense to them…same result.

Holly: You know what, we should’ve given each of these games a matching abomination, because now we have to cover Navy at Notre Dame, which reminds me of nothing so much as the impending Red Dawn remake.

Orson: Oh, it’s gonna suck. Just drop your pants and get ready for the cornholing of your happy childhood memories.

Holly: I’ll avenge you, Harry Dean Stanton. I’ll avenge you.

Orson: It will have CGI monsters and bad product placement by the bushel, like when the CGI bear cavalry drops from the sky, get distracted by the prominently placed Chipotle, and then emerge, gums coated with guacamole, to chase after a glistening new Ford Escape Hybrid.

Holly: Shivers. The bad kind.

Orson: Appropriate for this game, because with the return of Michael Floyd all Weis is going to do is call jump ball left, jump ball right all fucking day long

Holly: LSU at Bama. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD A FOOTBALL GAME.

Orson: This deserves a pairing with something allegedly mediocre which is not in fact mediocre at all.

Holly: Bubba Sparxxx?

Holly: (NO YOU SHUT UP)

Orson: I’ll take it. Bama wins this football game because Gary Crowton decides to run the Maryland I the entire game “Just because I can.”

Holly: Ohio State at Penn State is clearly Comedy Central’s new horrorshow The Jeff Dunham Show, because it’s patently terrifying and full of skeletons and lost art forms but there’s nothing else on.

Orson: I have nothing to add to that because this game between two REAL DEFENSES will be horrible to watch. I pair it with Jim Tressel’s handling of Terrelle Pryor, where mediocre is too kind a word to use here.

Holly: Washington at UCLA. Does this even rate a Locker appearance? If not I won’t even click over on commercial.

Orson: We can just pair this game with itself for a proper taste flavoring, like a bolognawich: bologna, with thicker slices of bologna to be used as bread.

Holly: And Miracle Whip. Goddamn Miracle Whip. Vandy at Florida. Counterpart: Paul Oakenfold, because it’s going to be sweaty and loud and repetitive and headlined by a perpetually annoying martyrish type.

Orson: Mackenzi Adams can be such a prima donna.

Holly: Oh, well struck.

Orson: We both grab Florida there, no? Because we’re breathing, yes?

Holly: Yeah, I know Vandy gives y’all fits, but this ain’t the year. They can’t even give themselves fits.

Orson: We didn’t make a pick for UW/UCL. I take mediocre thing Washington, because UCLA doesn’t even make it to Meady Oaker Territory.

Holly: Washington, because what UCLA’s doing as a favorite baffles and disgusts me. Holly: USC at Arizona State. Hoku!

Orson: I DO NOT LIKE THIS MEDIOCRE SONG GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES.

Holly: Because I once extemporized this entire song and changed all the lyrics to praise Vontaze Burfict, with dance moves, in my boyfriend’s kitchen and he didn’t murder me. That deserves recognition.

Orson: nothin’s standing in my waaaaaaayyyy

Holly: Dennis Erickson’s red hell-glasses figured prominently. BURFIIICT DAAAAAAY. That said, I’m not taking ASU.

Orson: USC’s not losing this game. Holy shit, I would wager a body part on it. Not an important one, but you know, like a quarter lobe of brain or my spleen or something.

Holly: They lost to GEORGIA.

Orson: Right, making them more Georgia-ish than Georgia. That’s a big ball of suck to lug around on the end of your suck-chain.

Holly: Plumbing the depths of absolute zero, Lord Kelvin.

Orson: Yeah, USC gets revenge on Oregon by beating the teeth out of ASU’s head.

Holly: We’ve all been there.

Orson: Not sure how that works, but the math is too complex to explain here.

Holly: BONUS MID MAJOR PICK: Houston at Tulsa. Houston can’t play defense but Tulsa can’t play offense without Malzahn, but their mascot is a resurrected and sponge-bathed Powdered Toast Man. What to do?

Orson: Ahem.

Orson: I think I just reminded all of us which way to go here thanks to GI, Shazam, and Dino.

Holly: And scene.

Details, notes, open guffawing and shameful admissions of laxity. All updates from the current processing station are entered, including UConn’s loss of points, MTSU’s spectacular stealing from roomates case and UL-Laf’s zesty, Cajun-style Crawtator theft incident.

In order:

MTSU: 12 points awarded for multiple felony charges. Unless MTSU does something else fairly serious, they’re likely not a serious player even with this bushelful of points thanks to this being the work of one diligent dumbass, and thus fall into Ellis T. Jones territory.

UL-Lafayette: 7 points awarded for burglary. Remember, it’s bur-glar-REE, with an accent on the end and two e’s. No bonus points awarded despite theft of precious XBox 360, a.k.a. a temporary cripple’s best friend.

Oklahoma: gets another point for ticket nonsense.

Syracuse: 4 points for burglary, though we almost gave a damning extra credit point for stealing someone’s XBox 360, you shitbag. (Thank god for the Orange Box. Orson_Swindle on TF2. I heart 2Fort.)

Southern Miss; two points for drankin’ and foolishnuss.

No points are awarded for Richard Goodman turning himself in re: the November brawl at the Campus Union, though we’re all still very impressed with your ability to hit girls in the face with thrown chairs. The brawl happened during the season, and is thus outside of the Fulmer Cup’s jurisdiction. Also no points for Marshall for this, though there’s more to discuss on that in a bit

Q: “What is Frank Beamer’s balanced breakfast?”

A:

Q: “What is Jonathan Crompton?”

A:

Q: “What is the name of UConn coach Randy Edsall’s blue-ribbon winning Boston Terrier stud?”

(The judges would also accept “Carson Palmer’s favorite soda.”)

A:

Q: What are the current contents of Mike Patrick’s pockets?

A:

Q: “What was Les Miles’ only line of dialogue as an extra in Bob Guccione’s 1979 remake of Caligula?

A:

Q: “What is the answer to the classic MENSA test question ‘How much does a pound of feathers and a pound of lead and Charlie Weis weigh?’”

A:

Q: “What was Jim Tressel’s last shout before collapsing into unconsciousness on a Shreveport riverboat deck? (At a craps table, sadly)”

A:

Q: What is the one song that can make Tom O’Brien cry like a scalded baby?

A:

Q: “What is ‘Lou Holtz’s That Donkey Won’t Hunt’?”

A:

Q: “What are the contents of Howard Schnellenberger’s Disaster Readiness Kit?”

A:

Q: “What is painted in flip-flop glitter acrylic on the back of Ron Zook’s jetski?” Judges also would have accepted “What is the Robert Palmer song Steve Spurrier feels best describes him, even if he knows “Simply Irresistible” is probably everyone’s answer.”

A:

Q: “What is Jarrett Lee’s new job description?”

(Co-written with Holly, of course.)

Look at Jeff Sagarin’s site, and just block out the words for an instant. The HTML HOTT style indicates the devoted efforts of someone who, in another life, would make the exact same site to tubthump about any of the following:

–Vaccine conspiracy theories

–Boundary theory and its implications on the global capitalist system

–Genital pumping FAQs

–The fixed earth theory.

The Sagarin site really is similar to the Fixed Earth site–scarily so. The Sagarin site also has the ACC as the second strongest conference right now. Could God have engineered something like that for the real Earth? WE THINK NOT FIXED EARTH NOW!!! Sagarin also has JMU above Notre Dame YES FIXED EARTH NOW IT IS NOT ROTATING BECAUSE THAT IDEA IS CRAZY.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Georgia	25
2	Oklahoma	24
3	Southern Cal	23
4	Missouri	22
5	Florida	21
6	Ohio State	20
7	Auburn	19
8	West Virginia	18
9	Clemson	17
10	Texas Tech	16
11	LSU	15
12	Texas	14
13	South Florida	13
14	Wisconsin	12
15	Arizona State	11
16	Wake Forest	10
17	Oregon	9
18	Illinois	8
19	Tennessee	7
20	Kansas	6
21	Oregon State	5
22	Brigham Young	4
23	Alabama	3
24	Virginia Tech	2
25	Connecticut	1

No Penn State? A personal decision we all must make and respect. Or mock. Whatever–a two headed unicorn television-faced offense doesn’t inspire, and neither does the cumulative frustration of two years of wondering where in the hell to put a team that can beat Akron but won’t even sniff at its serious in-conference rivals. They’ll creep in, but they’ll have to earn it by beating someone besides a derelict Texas A&M in the Alamo Bowl, and that’s unfair, wack ballotish, and done.

Top ten rejiggering elucidated: Refuse to overreact on the Sturdivant injury for Georgia, since they are on balance as complete a team as Oklahoma in identity and personnel. Oklahoma could conceivably be right there at number one without much shame or equivocation.

Ohio State gets this low because, if the game comes down to Boeckman passing versus a quality defense, they lose, and also because their defense has gotten outschemed in their rare but prominent nationally televised debacles. USC’s injuries and downgrade to mere offensive “goodness” take them low for the moment, but we’re sure we’ll get overhyped on either them or Ohio State following the great USC/tOSU shakeout of 2008.

(It’s all part of an attempt to actually not just paste the same teams up there for the third year running due to bowl carryover/program mojo/vaguely conceived “buzz” and actually look at the personnel likely to take the field. We’ll get over this unfortunate virus soon enough, though.)

Florida’s up there because even a marginal improvement in their pass defense takes them to potential top five talent. Bullish on Missouri and most especially Auburn, another team where marginal improvement on one side of the ball would yield a significant swing in the win total. Unbullish on WVU (scheme monkeying, defensive losses,) Clemson (irrational conviction Bowden will blow this, actual rational concerns on their offensive front,) and LSU (quarterback muddles.)

(Missouri will break our hearts, though. It’s only a matter of time before they drop a late-night Big 12 shootout that comes down to who scores last.)

The rest is more haphazard. Virginia Tech scares the daylights out of us: defensive losses, no receivers, and a run game threatening to take a second year off in a row to you know, get its head together, think about applying for law school, get its life together. Arizona State looks way high for a team with zero track record of protecting their quarterback. Kansas, Wisconsin, and Tennessee are all essentially the same quantity: good, but we have no idea of their absolute value until seen on the field due to offensive wrinkles for UW and Tenn. and Kansas actually playing a schedule.

Bullish on: Oregon State, who behind Maryland (DAMN SPASMODIC DYSLEXIA) was America’s second quietest nine victory team, and Connecticut, who never gets any respect whatsoever and is taking angry notes recording this lack of respect. They’re like the mini-Auburn of the Big East, winning games at the margins and doing so without any concern for stats. Oh, and like Auburn, just when you pay them the respect, they then take said credit and board the failboat in embarrassing fashion to a lesser team. As long as you’re prepared for this, feel free to endorse them heartily.

Next time: helmets off? Got it.

At SMQ’s new digs, much musing is laid on the quarterback situation in the ACC. The Big Ten’s not exactly impressive, either–your triple platinum name is “Todd Boeckman,” who had a season high of 253 yards against Penn State last year. We’ve never heard of him, but wish him luck handing off to Beanie Wells.

Arizona’s TE Rob Gronkowski is impressive and can eat footballs whole, if the picture included with this article is to be believed.

The opportunities for jokes if somehow the Michigan Wolverines had a miraculous season and pulled off a bowl matchup with Georgia would be endless. No pullout from excellence seems likely for WLA and their glorious gift to the people.

It’s good being Chris Rainey, avowed white girl man, in his natural milieu.

Jordan Steffy will again be given the privilege of losing the starting job a second time to Chris Turner, something the gentlemen at Hell in a Red Shell are just bouncy giggle happy-thrilled about:

Yes, that same Steffy who sucked so badly that we were all happy to have Turner under center, and made everyone assume that Turner was the presumptive favorite to be the starter this fall. And since, we’re here to ask the hard questions, we’ll do just that:

What. The. Fuck?

Josh Portis will play in spots, something his mother is just enraged about, frankly.

The Wiz is moving to his very own site. Be advised.

Neither of them were such supple, funky dancers. OMG MISSOURI LOST ITS BEST LINEMEN. Blutarsky addresses the question of overreacting to Trinton Sturdivant’s season-ending knee injury, and why this isn’t affecting Missouri’s buoyancy in the polls.

Matt Stafford. Why Holly dislikes such a bon vivant is beyond us.

OS: Georgia at number one. The g stands for “Going down a slot to the winner of the Ohio State USC game.” They’ve got a built-in pressure valve right thurr, since they can slide down and therefore avoid the full heat of the bullseye for a bit.

Holly: And for (matt) Goddamn (stafford), My Pastor Heard Me Call You That. Who will be a factor in their one loss. Where “factor” = “crippling INT”

Orson: Ainge’d!

Holly: UNCALLED FOR

Orson: Reality is hurt that you’re ignoring him, and will be nursing his earl grey in the corner.

Holly: Yesterday’s news, short stack. Onward.

Orson: Any real problems with UGA being here? It’s as good as guess as one could make sober. Not that I’m making any of those.

Holly: Although for what it’s worth Ainge seemed to enjoy his last visit with Georgia very much. No real problems with them in the top spot, but I think Florida will have an easier path to Atlanta in December. And I really, really hate Matt Stafford. Just for the record. And it’s not the envy-hate of Percy Harvin.

Orson: No. We’re both on record as having a mutual envy-hate axis surrounding Harvin and Eric Berry.

Holly: Berry or Moreno. Pick one to steal. Although I’d give Berry the edge given your current…predicament. (See how I said that like a Victorian lady would talk about a baby out of wedlock?)

Orson: Berry. We need him so much more than we need a running back.

Holly: (Urban Meyer just signed 2 more babies out of wedlock to play DB in ‘09.)

Orson: We know you’re not used to living like we do at Brideshead. Give me Eric Berry and a million gallons of gasoline and the angry corpse George Patton and I will see you in Moscow.

Holly: Knowshon graces the top of my steal list, and then punches big holes in it with his widdle fists.
He’s like a cannonball that can dance.

Orson: Rennie Curran’s the cannonball that can dance, and then wear your ribs as a set of heavy metal angel wings.

Holly: Does your “need” for a ribcage really outweigh his desire for accessories? Rennie thinks not.

Orson: If you ask a UGA fan…no. Okay, USC gets the Ohio State suite at 2.

Holly: LOLercopter. Again, no real argument. I don’t see them getting caught napping this year.

Orson: Stanford does not qualify as napping. That’s something deeper, like watching the early Big Ten game on ESPN2 with Pam Ward. That level of somnambulance. EDSBS: unique because unlike 99% of other blogs, we don’t hate her because she has a uterus!

Holly: Like being so sleepy you leave your QB1 in a booster seat on the roof of the car, Raising Arizona-steezy but without the happy ending.

Orson: She just makes me sleepy. Pam Ward: Brought to you by Drank.

Holly: She will slow your roll. Pam Ward once mixed up kickers and punters and called helmets “football hats” in a single game. We need a meth ad: not Even Once. And then run the car right over it like she’s killing a possum.

Orson: Ohio State has to move downstairs for 3–if/when they lose to USC, do they crawl above the four spot for the rest of the season?

Holly: If they lose to USC, they won’t lose again until the national championship game.

Orson: Natch. The Big Ten continues to ignore our advice about using the slendertone ab belt as a core element of training.

Other exclusive training footage included below.

Holly: Honestly, you start to feel bad for them at some point. Not colt brennan sugar bowl bad, but like you’re laughing at a 3-legged cat. Funny! Sad.

Orson: Like Don Knotts in the Amazing Mr. Limpet before he turns into a fish.

Holly: Look at it hobble around and beat Michigan! Awww, Dorsey, PUT HIM DOWN.

Orson: I will pity Ohio State when their fans stop mocking injured players.

Holly: I said almost!

Orson: I am a Florida fan, and know classless when I see it because I can see it whenever I look in the mirror. That was classless in the extreme. Run up the score! Run up the score!

Orson: The next three can appear in any order, right? Oklahoma, Florida, LSU?

Holly: Oklahoma and FLorida maybe interchangeable, but I dunno about them Tigers. Top ten, fine, but I’d kick them down a few notches. Loss of personnel + sooner or later Miles’ d20 is going to come up with the wrong 4th down call = new year’s day bowl.

Orson: Whatever. Who dares wins.

Holly: “I cast a spell!”

Orson: Or is turned into boudin by an angry mob in two years. Either way, someone wins.

Holly: I will until my death refuse to ascribe responsibility for those calls to him. I think he’s got sheeps’ entrails stuffed up under that chapeau and they’re doing the talking.

Orson: I think it’s a tiny rat riding around underneath his hat with a passion for haute cuisine. And, er, football.

Holly: Scrying, whatever. The luck that abandoned USC at Stanford, Michigan against App State? Voodoo Expressed, right into his noggin.

Orson: He received the karmic dividend check last year.

Holly: Yes. And it’s bled dry. (please?)

Orson: He must make deposits into the general fund this year. Mizzou…Pinkel… Pinkel.

Holly: Dangerouser than LSU, for sure.

Orson: That’s a burly comparative adjective there. Re: Mizzou: trepidation, I has it.

Holly: Individually, at least. Making it out of the Big 12 scathe-free, I dunno.

Orson: Actually, the whole ass end of the top ten is dodgy as rusty rifles to me. WVU? Clemson?

Holly: Yeah, your favorite’s coming and then mine.

Orson: Even Texas?

Holly: Them too. Down, down, down. Auburn will sneak up, but you know that. But, as usual: Replace them with…who?

Orson: Coupon-cutting Tommy will hit up down up down left right left right ab ab select start in the third quarter, and five points will appear on the board for no reason.

Holly: [LSU/Contra joke]

Orson: Tuberville always gets the spread gun in the first board.

Tommy: familiar with Contra, sure…but what about Contra Bassoon, motherfucker?

Holly Anderson: And Tommy Bowden’s got a face like a Battletoad.

Orson: And just like Battletoads, my side cannot defeat Tuberville. Texas Tech will bump up. They always do. They’re like Purdue, but with style and less fiber per serving.

Holly: oh god, can Texas Tech finally go national? Please? People will love ‘em.

Orson: They will. Enough writers have caught pirate fever to bump them up past their due. However, they have to kick name brand ass like Oklahoma’s to get them into the VIP area.

Holly: Do Not Like, for no discernible reason. Just….No Sale. Not buying it.

Orson: We are in agreement that the only reason we do not like them is the Bowden Compact of High Expectations met with three to four inexplicable losses? Like losing to Chan Gailey’s final Georgia Tech squad?

Holly: Yes. I get one pass on this list, and I’m using it now: BOOO.

Holly: OK, back up. Care to restate your WFV hateration?

Orson: You mean my skeptical, reasoned OH GOD THE TORCHES—Sorry, had to run from my house.

Holly: There we go. [toasts marshmallow] Fanks! [around mouthful of delicious campfire snack] I’m higher on them than you are out of family indoctrination, but WHY WHY WHY are they fucking around with that offense?

Orson: Defense minus six starters plus Pat White being asked to throw more in new offense equals unacceptable margin of error for current ranking.

Holly: That scares the ’shine out of me. I’d love to see them keep this spot, but this is not their year, which I know because last year was their year. And an admirable finish, but they’re plateauing at best, and probably not even that.

Orson. And they blew it. Years from now this will stick in their collective craws.

Holly: On to Texas? Muschamp, holla, but it’s going to take at least half a season to kick in. See: Chow, UCLA.

Orson: Results also pending the offseason offensive tweaks, AKA the Colt McCoy Re-Education project.

Holly: I don’t know what they’re doing in the top 10. But I can’t think of anyone to put above them. Except Auburn. But I won’t, out of spite and the fact that we have to play them back to back with Florida.

Orson: See: winning national title in last five years for the reasoning behind Texas. As for playing Auburn and Florida back to back, enjoy that. Enjoy=choke on the burning, flesh-searing pain of those two weeks.

Holly: Like the bye week ever did us any good, but this is just mean-spirited.

Orson: Attention span waning. Let’s just look at the rest as a series of contrasts. What the fuck is Arizona State doing above Oregon?

Holly: Who in gay hell gave UCLA three votes? Where’s Spurrier’s sop to Duke, and can I take its absence as a compliment to Coach Cut?

Orson: ASU: No linemen, no ability to protect Carpenter, and a visit from Georgia opening the season?

Holly: It’s gonna be a birdbath, filled with blood.

Orson: DID THEY NOT SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO COLT BRENNAN, THE QUARTERBACK WITH ANOREXIA?

Holly: DYING TO BELONG.

Orson: Carbs wouldn’t have saved him in that game. I can’t lie.

Holly: I take my earlier puzzlement back. I’d replace Texas with Wisconsin.

Orson: Agreed. One of the few togetherish teams in the Big Ten.

Holly: This is my “irrational like” pick, converse to Clemson.

Orson: I’d also bump up Oregon.

Holly: And Texas Tech, out of hype. Hope. Whatevs.

Orson: Yarr. That’s why.

Orson: Can I interest you in a discussion of your eternal soul and its relation to BYU?

We’d like to discuss BYU football with you, ma’am.

Holly: Have you seen that one shot of their coaches looking rrrrill uncomfortable posing with showgirls and the Las Vegas Bowl trophy?

Orson: NOOOO.

Holly: Like they’re already scanning the forthcoming pamphlet hurricane in their heads? Penn State was much, much higher in many earlier preseason polls. Off-field funventures dragging down rankings? Or collective coming-to-senses? I mean, we’ve said it before, but sans Anthony Morelli, can’t they only improve?

Orson: I thank ESPN for edifying me on their shocking discipline problems, and for conducting a fair interview of Joe Paterno. [/vomitsonself] I think most people are making the cognitive shortcut that any offense that looks more like the option will be a better fit for Joe Paterno.

Holly: Addendum: I’d put Tennessee at 16, above AZ State and BYU, despite standard issue PreGameDreadPak [patent pending] coursing through my veins. I don’t feel comfy, but I feel better than a buncha desert heathens.

Orson: I have no idea what to do with the Vols. None. They’re a set of numerical values somewhere between the five spot and the numerical equivalent of falling down the stairs toward the crocodile pit in my basement. Until I see the Claw in action, I withhold any serious judgment.

Holly: Me either. Although I will say that were I not a Tennessee fan, I’d be pulling for them this year just to see the term “Clawfense” make its way into popular usage. I think we’ll have all the answers we need on Labor Day. Like, more than usual first game barometers.

Orson: Gerald Jones, if Clawson is truly Clawsome, will get the ball muchly.

Holly: I believe Hinton touched on this, but there’s just….nothing to know, and it’s maddening. Cutcliffe or Sanders-in-name have had that offense since the year I was BORN. Does not compute. This is completely new for me, and as a Tennessee fan I’m threatened by change. And brightly colored birds.

Orson: And librlz. Damn librlz.

Holly: And I hope that Fulmer does not share my fear, and yank the fancy new schemes at the first hint of trouble in the Rose Bowl.

Orson: He could.

Holly: He’s not used to change either

Orson: Any final additions?

Holly: I will guess that Fresno State has been ranked at #25 to start the season for seven of the last ten years.

Orson: They’re a schedule pick right now. Oklahoma State will creep in there. If only because T. Boone Pickens will buy USA Today and reserve a space for them.

Holly: We can’t really abandon this without talking about DickRod and how Charles Woodson is fat. I mean, Michigan players attempting to move in space. (Although Charles Woodson is very, very fat.)

Orson: Yes, I’ve heard that.

Holly: 12/13/97 NEVER FORGET. (I’m done.)

Orson: If we’re down to recycling Woodson/Peyton vitriol, then yes. We’re done.

Alabama remains atop the standings thanks to Jimmy Johns yayopalooza. With no charges dismissed and little on the horizon in the way of charge dismissals, the bar is set: Alabama is coming out of the Alps with a twenty minute lead and safely ensconced in the peloton, while everyone else is blood-doping and swigging liquid EPO trying to keep up. Missouri and West Virginia…well? We’re waiting, Danny.

Other than that, it’s naptime going into the stretch. Someone wake us when Rampage Jackson signs an LOI with UCLA and proceeds to drive his truck over the Bruins last remaining quarterback.

Listen here. We’re off to do lines of fish oil and Provigil just to keep up.

What we’re trying to say is that we have talent, and his name is LSUFreek, and he has further submissions for ESPN’s “Face of the Program Series” as dreamed up by himself, ourselves, and with a contribution from Elder EDSBS Alderman Devil Grad, whose contribution should be fairly obviously spotted given his roots (Ohio) and fan affiliation (Miami Redhawks.)

North Carolina Tar Heels.

Dean Smith, a legend of basketball coaching, also saved the university money by doubling as its football coach for 36 years, as well, winning an amazing total of 83 games as a division one head football man. He also changed oil in golf carts for the ground crew on Sundays for extra dough.

Ohio State:

Those concerned with a possible Maurice Clarett appearance in their own neighborhood should be advised that after hitting the Goose, his aim become quite erratic, and the safety of bystanders cannot be guaranteed. Ironically, this same verbiage comes directly from the AP’s article on Todd Boeckman’s performance in the BCS title game, which we would reprint in part here if we had $37.75 to spare. (As it stands, we may owe them some spare change for typing “AP”.)

Washington

Ty Willingham makes men. And blast sites. And that cool green glass they sell at atomic blast sites.

Oklahoma

You’re live in the situation room. If it’s before December 8th, you’re invincible. Fear no man, and walk boldly into stormy horizons. If it’s after December 8th in the football season, tremble, and listen to Jack Cafferty complain about the bastards, the gas prices, and the kids these days and their bastard gas prices.

The evil mind lurking somewhere in the otherwise benign person of the Great Barstoolio saw this and did what innovators do: they innovatatatatate. We may or may not have chipped in with a few of these, but let us just say they represent some of the most disturbing and funny football/meth-themed farkery we’ve ever seen. You might be saying: isn’t that a very small subset of work?

And we’d answer that we’ve been awake for 32 days, and have no idea what you just said.

Enjoy. Because if you can’t laugh at meth, what can you laugh at, we ask? Besides genocide, that is. We’ve included four of them below: click over to Barstoolio’s House of Romantic But Inevitably Fatal Tropical Evil for the rest.

Again: click here for the rest.

Not pictured on the board but making their debut: Boston College. BC doesn’t make it onto the board, but with the arrest of defensive end Brady Smith for on-campus sexual assault (is that somehow worse than off-campus sexual assault?) and breaking and entering, the Eagles earn six points for the double felony charges. Even in their shame, Boston College fans would lie to point out that the six point score is more than the Notre Dame Irish scored against Georgia Tech last year in their opener.

Like Lance Armstrong in an EPO fit raging up the Alpe d’Huez, Missouri continues to pull away from the peloton with expert timing. Austin Wuebbels less than composed traffic stop fumbling earned the Tigers another 4 points this week, proving that when the competition gets close, the Tigers go to the no-huddle and being piling on points daring you to keep up.

Still missing: Florida? Miami? AND FSU? The Sunshine State’s gone soft friends. Blame the kind and benevolent governance of our fabulous governor Charlie Crist, who’s got the economy flaming despite the entire state taking it in the ass in the real estate market. They’re all simply too happy and well-governed to get tasered! (Crossing fingers, looking at the Florida team and hoping everyone’s got their gun locks in the fixed position on their assault rifles.)

1. Michigan State at California

2. Illinois at Missouri

3. USC at Virginia

4. Alabama at Clemson

5. Tennessee at UCLA

And now, we drum.

The new poll question: which college football coach will be caught on-air saying the most profanities next season? Your choices:

1. Pete Carroll. If you wonder why, then fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

2. Will Muschamp, Texas DC. Boom Motherfucker gets to parade his stuff on those nice, big sensitive ABC Big 12 mikes.

3. Les Miles. A wordsmith who can’t resist dropping his Schembechler emphases in the most routine of press conferences.

4. Jim Leavitt. ANGRY WORDS MAN WANTS MR. FIST TALK TO YOU.

5. Nick Saban. The Dark Lord is capable of leaving dark scorch marks on the pants of your ears.

Vote early, vote often, and remember: snakes in the wild don’t want to be picked up–they simply crave the touch of humans in their very bones. Especially the drunk humans.

ps. Cookie monster is sadly ineligible for this post.

We talked to Matt Hayes yesterday to follow up on the clock rules, and got a few things clarified on the proposed clock rule changes.

One: The 40 second rule will likely pass. It’s popular, it will get asses hauling on the chain gang, and as SMQ justly pointed out, it’s about a wash on the time. (An eensy bit on the short side, but mostly a wash.) There’s nothing in the way of major opposition to the rule, so it’s probably gonna happen.

Two: The change where the clock continues to run when the ball goes out of bounds? The blogosphere’s hatred of this proposal is shared by defensive coaches, who are the biggest opponents to the rule because of the obvious added advantage offenses get in clock-murder situation.

Three: The committee doesn’t have to approve the rules as an omnibus; they can line-item the thing, so the rules aren’t married. YAY line-item.