Orson: I say we do this by order of MEDIOCRE THINGS, because it is a mediocre weekend of football in general.

Holly: Huzzah, Homecoming!

Orson: Northwestern@ Iowa. Mediocre thing to match: Push-ups. Insubstantial, cold, and frustrating because after all that pushing and licking, it’s really just z-grade corn syrup, carageenan, and fake citrus flavoring all jammed in semi-appealing package. Iowa will be the nub left at the end, the little useless plastic wheel you’re left with at the end. We know where this season is headed, and it is sad Push-Up territory.

Holly: That you can’t quite suck all the orange froth out of. Although, don’t get me wrong, a transitive loss to Syracuse would reverse my desire to burn Ricky Stanzi as a witch.

Orson: Right. Neither team wears orange, but that would wreck a barely passable metaphor. (more…)

After a prolonged absence, the Big Board returns, courtesy of boardmaster Brian. Who is hung. Like Reggie. Fucking. Nelson.

Details, notes, open guffawing and shameful admissions of laxity. All updates from the current processing station are entered, including UConn’s loss of points, MTSU’s spectacular stealing from roomates case and UL-Laf’s zesty, Cajun-style Crawtator theft incident.

In order:

MTSU: 12 points awarded for multiple felony charges. Unless MTSU does something else fairly serious, they’re likely not a serious player even with this bushelful of points thanks to this being the work of one diligent dumbass, and thus fall into Ellis T. Jones territory.

UL-Lafayette: 7 points awarded for burglary. Remember, it’s bur-glar-REE, with an accent on the end and two e’s. No bonus points awarded despite theft of precious XBox 360, a.k.a. a temporary cripple’s best friend.

Oklahoma: gets another point for ticket nonsense.

Syracuse: 4 points for burglary, though we almost gave a damning extra credit point for stealing someone’s XBox 360, you shitbag. (Thank god for the Orange Box. Orson_Swindle on TF2. I heart 2Fort.)

Southern Miss; two points for drankin’ and foolishnuss.

No points are awarded for Richard Goodman turning himself in re: the November brawl at the Campus Union, though we’re all still very impressed with your ability to hit girls in the face with thrown chairs. The brawl happened during the season, and is thus outside of the Fulmer Cup’s jurisdiction. Also no points for Marshall for this, though there’s more to discuss on that in a bit

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You can tell a lot about a website. For example, this one is loaded with ads, a hopelessly neglected blogroll, a homer-ish banner and colors, and profanities. This means it is probably run by a guy who is a bit greedy, profane, and devoted to his team past the point of rationality. This would be correct on all counts.

Look at Jeff Sagarin’s site, and just block out the words for an instant. The HTML HOTT style indicates the devoted efforts of someone who, in another life, would make the exact same site to tubthump about any of the following:

–Vaccine conspiracy theories

–Boundary theory and its implications on the global capitalist system

–Genital pumping FAQs

–The fixed earth theory.

The Sagarin site really is similar to the Fixed Earth site–scarily so. The Sagarin site also has the ACC as the second strongest conference right now. Could God have engineered something like that for the real Earth? WE THINK NOT FIXED EARTH NOW!!! Sagarin also has JMU above Notre Dame YES FIXED EARTH NOW IT IS NOT ROTATING BECAUSE THAT IDEA IS CRAZY.

Our blogpoll is after the jump, and it’s the usual fine mess minus the fine. It was late, as well, and therefore not included in the current tally. We blame repeated viewings of the Big Ten Nutwork video for the delay. (more…)

LSUFreek would like to point out that though Trindon Holliday didn’t qualify for the Olympics, LSU runner Richard Thompson did. He finished second running for Trinidad and Tobago, beating Walter Dix of Florida State, who celebrated winning bronze by losing by thirty points to Florida. Both would have performed much better had they removed their football helmets.

Next time: helmets off? Got it.

At SMQ’s new digs, much musing is laid on the quarterback situation in the ACC. The Big Ten’s not exactly impressive, either–your triple platinum name is “Todd Boeckman,” who had a season high of 253 yards against Penn State last year. We’ve never heard of him, but wish him luck handing off to Beanie Wells.

Arizona’s TE Rob Gronkowski is impressive and can eat footballs whole, if the picture included with this article is to be believed.

The opportunities for jokes if somehow the Michigan Wolverines had a miraculous season and pulled off a bowl matchup with Georgia would be endless. No pullout from excellence seems likely for WLA and their glorious gift to the people.

It’s good being Chris Rainey, avowed white girl man, in his natural milieu.

Jordan Steffy will again be given the privilege of losing the starting job a second time to Chris Turner, something the gentlemen at Hell in a Red Shell are just bouncy giggle happy-thrilled about:

Yes, that same Steffy who sucked so badly that we were all happy to have Turner under center, and made everyone assume that Turner was the presumptive favorite to be the starter this fall. And since, we’re here to ask the hard questions, we’ll do just that:

What. The. Fuck?

Josh Portis will play in spots, something his mother is just enraged about, frankly.

The Wiz is moving to his very own site. Be advised.

Neither of them were such supple, funky dancers. OMG MISSOURI LOST ITS BEST LINEMEN. Blutarsky addresses the question of overreacting to Trinton Sturdivant’s season-ending knee injury, and why this isn’t affecting Missouri’s buoyancy in the polls.

Holly and I had a lengthy discussion of the preseason top 25. Covered: Tommy Tuberville’s Contra-knowledge, the craving for an Eric Berry-like substance at Florida, the refusal to purchase Clemson or Clemson-related goods, the bizarre buoyancy of Texas in the polls, and our growing concern over the health and well-being of Rudy Carpenter. Enjoy?

Matt Stafford. Why Holly dislikes such a bon vivant is beyond us.

OS: Georgia at number one. The g stands for “Going down a slot to the winner of the Ohio State USC game.” They’ve got a built-in pressure valve right thurr, since they can slide down and therefore avoid the full heat of the bullseye for a bit.

Holly: And for (matt) Goddamn (stafford), My Pastor Heard Me Call You That. Who will be a factor in their one loss. Where “factor” = “crippling INT”

Orson: Ainge’d!

Holly: UNCALLED FOR

Orson: Reality is hurt that you’re ignoring him, and will be nursing his earl grey in the corner.

Holly: Yesterday’s news, short stack. Onward.

Orson: Any real problems with UGA being here? It’s as good as guess as one could make sober. Not that I’m making any of those.

Holly: Although for what it’s worth Ainge seemed to enjoy his last visit with Georgia very much. No real problems with them in the top spot, but I think Florida will have an easier path to Atlanta in December. And I really, really hate Matt Stafford. Just for the record. And it’s not the envy-hate of Percy Harvin.

Orson: No. We’re both on record as having a mutual envy-hate axis surrounding Harvin and Eric Berry.

Holly: Berry or Moreno. Pick one to steal. Although I’d give Berry the edge given your current…predicament. (See how I said that like a Victorian lady would talk about a baby out of wedlock?)

Orson: Berry. We need him so much more than we need a running back.

Holly: (Urban Meyer just signed 2 more babies out of wedlock to play DB in ‘09.) (more…)

This week’s admittedly static Fulmer Cupdate comes courtesy of Brian, who even on slow days is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Alabama remains atop the standings thanks to Jimmy Johns yayopalooza. With no charges dismissed and little on the horizon in the way of charge dismissals, the bar is set: Alabama is coming out of the Alps with a twenty minute lead and safely ensconced in the peloton, while everyone else is blood-doping and swigging liquid EPO trying to keep up. Missouri and West Virginia…well? We’re waiting, Danny.

Other than that, it’s naptime going into the stretch. Someone wake us when Rampage Jackson signs an LOI with UCLA and proceeds to drive his truck over the Bruins last remaining quarterback.

Phil. 8:30 p.m. EST. Get ready.

Listen here. We’re off to do lines of fish oil and Provigil just to keep up.

You can’t keep talent from being talent. It’s a lot like fungus in that respect, except that fungus can be killed with certain antibiotics and antifungals, and that talent doesn’t live in your skin, like ringworm or tinea versicolor. Also, talent doesn’t live in your skin. It lives in the pancreas, something most people don’t know. (Talent, in case you’re wondering, can be killed with bullets, electricity, or by sustained stays in Los Angeles county.)

What we’re trying to say is that we have talent, and his name is LSUFreek, and he has further submissions for ESPN’s “Face of the Program Series” as dreamed up by himself, ourselves, and with a contribution from Elder EDSBS Alderman Devil Grad, whose contribution should be fairly obviously spotted given his roots (Ohio) and fan affiliation (Miami Redhawks.)

North Carolina Tar Heels.

Dean Smith, a legend of basketball coaching, also saved the university money by doubling as its football coach for 36 years, as well, winning an amazing total of 83 games as a division one head football man. He also changed oil in golf carts for the ground crew on Sundays for extra dough.

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