Kiffykins rides again!

It’s now a running bet that he has a whole stack of Archie comics under his bed, and that he’d beat off any number of men to protect them.

UPDATE: Ole Miss has a correction in the Fulmer Cup. Jamar Hornsby, as noted in the updated Fulmer Cup post below, was not enrolled and will not earn Ole Miss any points. Andre Sterling, however, was very much enrolled at Ole Miss for football, and very much drunk when he was arrested last weekend for DUI. That’s a point correction to two points total for Ole Miss. GIGGITAH.

We have an anonymous account of the poor, wretched sorority girl who beshat herself at the national title game, and we found it intriguing both for its clinical description of the situation, its veracity, and its sympathy for the poor girl involved–whose picture may no longer appear on Georgia Sports, but whose image is still burned into our forebrain.

Our own commentary is interlaced in between the italicized account. Remember: drinking is an adventure. Some adventures end with you holding the Crystal Skull and riding into the sunset on horseback victorious. Some adventures end with you hopeless and broken on the rocks with vultures pecking at your insides while you look on in mute horror. (See: Carrion Death, one of the most unintentionally funny Tales from the Crypt episodes ever. Kyle Maclachlan can act!)

Image result one for “alcoholic adventures,” and a much kinder image that the one we could have used here.

The account:

My buddies and I were tailgating when one of us noticed this girl popping a squat and peeing — or so we thought. The worst thing about it? She was 15 feet from two toilets.

We will state for the record that the toilet situation outside Dolphins Stadium was bad, but not abominable. (more…)

The yearly tweaking of the rules is now on the docket, and let us humbly propose one rule in sore need of tweakage: the transfer rule, a bit of earth-salting schools may use on recruits who transfer out of programs. Robert Marve received an especially poxy variant of the treatment, with Miami refusing to allow Marve to transfer to an ACC school, in-state, or even to an SEC school. Now, it’s USC transfer Vidal Hazelton’s turn for a dose:

Vidal Hazelton, the former USC wide receiver from Staten Island, has been barred from talking to any Pac-10 teams and Notre Dame in his search for a new school, the Torrance Daily Breeze reported on Thursday.

Well, transferring to Idaho is still on the table.

Hazelton’s from Staten Island, NY, so declaring West Coast verboten likely isn’t that big a deal for someone wanting to transfer closer to home. That’s not the point: Hazelton should have the right to transfer wherever he can get an offer, and USC shouldn’t be allowed to hold him once he’s made the decision to transfer. The year penalty–or some variation thereof–makes sense to discourage transfers, but restricting where a player goes after the transfer makes not using the word “chattel” very, very difficult when talking about players’ relationship with schools in the NCAA.

In sum, it is a crappy situation. (Hey, at least Florida crapped itself in an individual case, as opposed to 22 players doing it all at once on the field at home against Alabama and in Jacksonville.)

He is clearly allergic to Brandon Spikes, but most football players on the offensive side of the ball share this medical condition. Now what we’ve found yet another way to express our undying love for Brandon Spikes, it might help you to know that the offensive lineman featured in that video, Andre Smith, is an All-American pedigreed badass who eats whole pieces of chainlink fence for snacks and has anchored the left tackle spot for Bama since he was a freshman.

He is also suspended for the bowl game for unspecified violations of team rules. No ideA, aGain, whEther aNyone will geT to the bottom of why, but we’re sure some anonymous internet rumor will suffice for truth in the meantime.

(Also: the Papa Johns.com Occluded Artery StrokeFeed Bowl just got off to a crazygonuts start with a fake FG for a Rutgers TD and then a missed XP. Keep Shaun King away from the breadsticks; his jowls are getting to be positively Swindle-sized.)

Troy is good, Troy is good, Troy is good. Get that out of the way before we begin denigrating LSU’s 41-30 victory over Troy Saturday night, a skillfully played game between two Division One (FBS stands for Feminine Body Spray) teams Saturday night. Much contesting and effortization. Sweat and persistence and grunty heroism all around. Yes.

Hey! That was…um…fun?

That said: if you have any illusions that the SEC is in a down cycle from stem to stern, here is further proof. Troy Had LSU down 31-10 going into the fourth quarter, a fourth quarter where LSU had to pull off the mathematically improbable feat of scoring 30 points in 15 minutes to win. Feat accomplished, but not before 45 minutes of football that had LSU fans dropping oaths like “Curly Hallman,” “Gerry Dinardo,” and “Mike Goddamn Archer.”

Add in Georgia’s struggles against the blip-bloop-ERROR UNIVAC offense of Auburn–the one run at random by feeding punch cards into a 1954 computer located in the bowels of Jordan-Hare Stadium–and the continued mediocrity of South Carolina, Arkansas’s year one transition hiccups with Arkansas…it all accrues into the somewhat heretical notion that the SEC is weak this year as a conference.

LSU makes the most baffling case, one likely attributable to HR issues in Baton Rouge. HR questions the decision to not bring in one defensive coordinator to rule them all, instead splitting the responsibilities between Doug Mallory and Bradley Dale Peveto. Sometimes this works–MattiStrong at Florida won a national title this way–and sometimes it doesn’t. By the numbers, they’re not bad, but filter for results against D-1 teams with a winning record things go pear-shaped: 40.2 points per game allowed, with twin fifty point tallies for Georgia and Florida.

Combine that with Jarrett Lee’s ability to score for both teams with equanimity, and the ESPN Insider blue ribbon preview of the Tigers proves to be surprisingly accurate if read in the negative on the “If”:

The foundation is strong, especially on both lines, and the talent at the skill positions is impressive. If the Tigers find and develop the right quarterbacks and cornerbacks, they’ll be hard to beat once again this season.

If is a dangerous and powerful word. It’s further proof, too, that the snarling SEC of 2007 that went 7-2 in bowl games is short a few thousand megawatts of power this year. Let’s not get into the inanity of trying to compare conference (he says, sipping sherry from a glass and pondering the daylilies,) but admit this much: it’s down in terms of overall performance in-conference, and that is as undeniable and clear as the look of bemused and shamed relief on Jarrett Lee’s face in that photo.

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. (more…)

Please, Alabama fan: don’t shoot.

Please, people of Alabama: have mercy upon the endangered elephant. As we speak, you or one of your brethren is crouched in the bed of a safari truck, aiming a high-caliber weapon at the oblong skull of a bull elephant somewhere in the wilds of Africa.

Though you may be tempted to shoot it, sell its hide, and then immediately place its knee ligaments in a transplant cooler bound via air freight for Tuscaloosa, do not: Terrence Cody’s timing belt-sized MCL, sprained though it may be, requires no replacing, per ESPN reports:

Alabama coach Nick Saban is supposed to update Cody’s situation later today. He’s expected to miss the next week or two, but should be back in time for the LSU game on Nov. 8.

This is good news for the elephant, since you will not be taking the ligaments from its knee to put in Terrence Cody’s knee, a joint of similar size and load-bearing strength. This is also good news for Alabama, who have taken advantage of Cody’s mutant size to play a 4.5-3 defense and take the Tide to the fourth spot in rushing defense nationally. The Cody Effect was just as prominent in his absence Saturday: Hinton points out that Ole Miss scored on the drive Cody left the game and took five of the next six drives into Bama territory.

If you have already pulled the trigger and shot the elephant, however: give your guides ten percent, sell the meat as “jumbo buffalo” in the markets of Dar Es Salaam, and see our close personal friend Amir Massoud at the docks in Zanzibar for assistance with the rest of your “luggage.” He’s good people.

From COED magazine, brah, the finest publication for dyslexic code freaks and fans of HOT COLLEGE BABES WHO WOULDN’T FUCK YOU WITH A GUN TO THEIR HEADS, an attractive woman from the LSU/Florida game:

And then, after the jump, another hot piece of tail from the weekend.

(more…)

You might wonder: how does an overeducated Volunteer fan feel about the game? How does “hallucinating in the key of Wim Wenders sound?” to you? If the answer is “too bizarre for digestion,” then read no further; if not, then please, venture into the dark caverns of Holly’s subconscious 24 hours prior to the Gators coming to Knoxville.

Sie sehen uns nicht. Sie chompen uns nicht. (more…)