EDSBS » ahhhspiders!

September 28, 2008

ALPHABETICAL UP. WOUNDS, SCARRING UP NICELY.

The Alphabetical, our grand attempt to summarize the week’s action in 26 pieces, is up at the Sporting Blog. it’s a lovely day: the sun is shining, the birds are really and literally singing outside the window, and the Dane is lying comfortably in the grass. What more could one ask for, really?

Besides a yard? ONE DAMN YARD, DAMMIT.

This house is going to be spotless by the time we’re done with this. Like, Joan Crawford spotless.

Clean up THIS MEEEEEESSSSS!

Our only consolation is that across the state of Georgia there will be thousands of other spotless homes by the end of the day, too. Nifty thing: our cleaning makes them feel better, too, via the endless loop of mutually reinforced schadenfreude.

Meanwhile, Ole Miss, don’t lift a thing today. You should spend the day drinking, and drinking heavily and eating on the reddest and velvetiest of red velvet cake. Ragin’ Cajun Rebel texted us at 1:30 in the morning last night with the question: “Does it still sting?” Yes, which means your football team did somethin’ right, son. Giggitys all around.

Enjoy your Sunday. We’ll see you tomorrow.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Houston Nutt, Southeastern Conference, ahhhspiders!, will giggity your season up by Orson Swindle

[ 29 Replies ]

September 27, 2008

SURPRISE!

Filed under: "Georgia is supplying the butt", ALL THAT YOU KNOW IS AT AN END, ahhhspiders!, bat country by Holly

[ 63 Replies ]

September 23, 2008

MIKE PATRICK’S CABINET OF WONDERS

Mike Patrick shares his thoughts in his semi-regular feature, Mike Patrick’s Cabinet of Wonders.

Fall is here! Now we get to carve pumpkins, which probably don’t have any nerves. If they did, though, they probably would only feel the first cut, and then they would go into shock until they died. And then, even if that didn’t do it, then pulling out their guts would probably finish them off. I love Halloween! (more…)

Filed under: ahhhspiders!, bizarro superman says you're welcome by Orson Swindle

[ 24 Replies ]

September 16, 2008

AUBURN VS. MISSISSIPPI STATE: LIVE TO WIN

The highlight video is complete. We only have one thing to say: if you have trouble waking up this morning, finding meaning, and feel like ending it all, just watch this highlight of the finest football game ever played: Auburn 3, Mississippi State 2. And remember the inspirational words of Paul Stanley:

Live to win, ’till you die, ’till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting ’till you fall
Day by day, kickin’ all the way, I’m not cavin’ in
Let another round begin, live to win
Live to win
Live to win
Yeah, live, yeah, win!!

9/13/08: Never. Forget.

Filed under: ahhhspiders!, push it to the limit!, see: hell, we demand a recount!, your worst nightmares by Orson Swindle

[ 70 Replies ]

August 14, 2008

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU JOCK ITCH, MAKE JOCKITCHADE

The Trojans are suffering through both the injury of their starting quarterback and an epidemic of some former Russian Military jock itch let loose upon their blue chip ladystands. Our take is over at the Sporting Blog, but here and only here can you purchase the shirt that, Trojans fans, you must be wearing when USC takes the field with a burning desire to compete and scratch away the memories of losing to Stanford.

Rubbing our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring USC comes down with an outbreak of jock itch so crippling it actually sidelines players? Jim Harbaugh bows to no man or bacterium. Let the conspiracy theories begin.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, ahhhspiders!, no touching!, wtf, you had a bad day, your worst nightmares by Orson Swindle

[ 12 Replies ]

July 17, 2008

A FAREWELL TO AMOROUS BIG CATS

Orgeron. Perrilloux. SLOCUM? One by one, our best material has gone gently into that good night of jucos and position coaching, and today we hear rumblings that an EDSBS Most Favored Son is an academic casualty and a Wolverine no more.

In his own words, we give you Marques Slocum, remixed in sonnet-ish form. Read, remember, and mourn.

got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
i hope my wife know ima be man! fuck dat spider
I like 2 licky licky licky licky
My mom CARLA i think she da realest bitch alive

im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
come on now! what type of question is dat?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview

shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday
opera- no, musical- no, play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes

i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones

Filed under: ALL THAT YOU KNOW IS AT AN END, Big 10 Conference, People we love, ahhhspiders!, alas, crying like a bitch, horribly sad, imaginary mascots, pain pain pain by Holly

[ 40 Replies ]

July 16, 2008

HEY NOW, THAT’S WEATHER CHANNEL MUSIC THERE

On the podcast with Kenny Smith over at Al.com, we mention (among many, many other things) the extravagances of going to SEC Media Days next week, the least of these being the fact that satellite trucks are going to be there to broadcast “yup-good-not injured-excited” quotes around the world for all to see.

We’ll ignore the coaches and look for the real star. You know who we’re talking about.

AIIIIIGGGGHHH!!!! They should play her scream over the speakers when Alabama scores. It would only be fitting. And yes, the music on the podcast sounds a little Weather Channelish. Not everyone has access to the cutting edge NowLive technology that we have, allowing for only four train wreck catastrophes per broadcast.

Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, ahhhspiders!, allons-y SEC by Orson Swindle

[ 10 Replies ]

July 14, 2008

CURIOUS INDEX, 7/14/2008

We likes our stupidity viscous and vicious. Oh, hell. Who let the old prospector out of the summer kitchen?

Stop reading this as you are committing a crime at this very moment by doing so. The breathtaking conflation of a single idiotic act by one message boarder with the entire vibrant, thriving, and shockingly self-policed community of message boards is precisely what we should expect from Gus Chiggins there, who likely only uses the internets to purchase new skillets for the camp vittles-makin’, and is by paycheck invested in seeing the online world as one rolling ball of masked vipers heading downhill in his direction.

Which it is, by the way, so eat fang, australopithecene. Them snakes got momentum on their side. While you’re at it, review your understanding of community, personal agency, and self-policed communities–the biggest suckers for the hoax came not in the online community, which tends to sniff out hoaxes with IP trackers and years of experience, but from the talk radio community who picked up the story and ran with it in Texas.

Damn you Marconi! Your insidious machine is nothing but an anonymous machine for blah blah blah blah Luddite crap from someone being ground to pieces in its gears. We think you don’t understand your subject, Gus, and should stop before you sound any more stroke-addled than you do. Sincerely, Spencer Hall, who writes as Orson Swindle on EDSBS.com, who would be happy to explain this to you while still calling you wrong and bullshittedly so to your face.

Michael Lemon has been dismissed from UGA following his amateur orthopedic work on the eye socket of a fellow student. It’s very sad, both because Lemon’s mother was murdered last year, and we’re sure the anger must be unbearable, and also because a hapless student received a broken face thanks to Lemon’s inability to control his emotions. Remember: the least a university can do is guarantee that student athletes will not break the faces of other students when on campus.(HT: Paul.)

Now taking applications. Must be fast, unable to defend simple pass patterns. The Florida secondary should be taking open casting calls now that Dorian Munroe is out for the season, leaving Florida with incoming superfrosh (whizbang rakrootingspeak!) Will Hill as the likely starting safety paired with Major Wright in the defensive backfield. (Dave Curtis thinks other permutations of the Gator secondary are more likely, but don’t tell that to Gator fans who are firmly in HALLO NEW GUY THX mode with Hill.) Jerimy Finch, but for patience the starting spot would be yours.

Defensive back John Curtis also blew out his knee, presumably out of sympathy with Munroe, and will “have to evaluate his future,” according to Meyer. This means nothing in the department of good news for him.

For more info on ACLs and why they don’t come with a warranty, see Conquest Chronicles’ excellent piece on the injury. Warning: contains lots of shots of human bone splayed open and looking surprisingly like bisected pieces of rotisserie chicken.

Louisville’s Trent Guy was released from the hospital on Friday, and appears to be recovering brilliantly from the holes put in his body during a shooting incident outside a Louisville nightclub. If he plays this season at all, he gets the Curtis James Jackson III award, a.k.a. the “Street Rasputin Trophy,” for Excellence in the Field of Shaking Off Gunshot Wounds.

Coach is drunk. This is SDSU. We’d be drunk, too. Have a drink, coach. Tom Craft, allegedly drunk before games at SDSU? We’ve said it before and will say it again: one of the most discriminated against groups in this nation of our is the legion of functional alcoholics who have made our nation great: Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Thomas Jefferson, Gumby, W.C. Fields, Mickey Rourke…really, a list of immortals to behold.

Plus imagine this scenario: getting your ass whipped by thirty points. Stands, devoid of people. Then, you look over and see…this.

We’d be pouring scotch into our eyeballs and shooting vodka into the jugular with an aerosol injector. For Craft to allegedly be merely “drunk” given the circumstances is a display of outstanding professionalism.

Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, ahhhspiders!, blog people be like this MSM people be like this, drankin' by Orson Swindle

[ 43 Replies ]

June 12, 2008

VISITING LECTURER: TENNESSEE

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the right honorable Joel of Rocky Top Talk to set us straight, or at least firmly crooked, on the prospects of the Tennessee Volunteers.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Opaque. Not exactly a color, I know, but the concept is similar. With the arrival of new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson, the offense is shrouded in mystery, and any attempt to penetrate it with light is thwarted by scattering or absorption. Nobody can see beyond the curtain.

Clawson was formerly the head coach for the Division I-AA Richmond Spiders, so good luck finding any tape on him. Just who is this guy? Nobody knows. How will quarterback Jonathan Crompton fit into the new system? Secret! What kind of offense does he run? A few daring souls have ventured a guess that it’s a west coast-ish spread-y-type thing that morphs into . . . something else depending on the personnel, but again, nobody really knows. Yeehaw for intrigue and woo-ish-y offense.

Practices are closed to the media, too, so the new offense won’t be unveiled until the big national showdown with UCLA on Labor Day.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

1930s USA, F.D.R.’s New Deal. The Papa has been either the offensive coordinator or the head coach for the Vols for nearly two decades. When Fulmer took over as head coach for good in 1993, he hired David Cutcliffe as his offensive coordinator. Cutcliffe held that role until 1999 and then took it up again from 2006 until this past off-season when he left for Duke. Randy Sanders served as OC in the interim, but most believe that he was essentially handcuffed to Fulmer’s offensive philosophy and scheme. So we’ve really had almost no change for almost twenty years. At first, Roaring ’20s, but then gradual decline, a Black Tuesday (2005), and a lingering depression, all of which sets the stage for this year’s New Deal.

This season, Fulmer hires mystery man Clawson, and this time, he’s reportedly going to give his young assistant free reign to reform the system and bring relief to needy Tennessee fans. Hey, we could use a new deal, and if we have to bankrupt the future to do it, well, we’ll just have to worry about that later.

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