ORSON (Jacksonville)

WOOOOOO COCKTAIL PARTY.

HOLLY (Columbus)
West Fuckin’ Virginia @ USF
Miami @ Wake
Duke @ Virginia
Central Michigan @ BC
WLOCP
Sakerlina @ Tennessee
USC @ Oregon
Texas @ OK State

Mr. Moundshroud: “Well, which was it? A Trick or a Treat?”

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers. Let us know where you’re at and look alive out there.

Orson: Likin’ it.

Holly: Ole Miss-Auburn.

Orson. I know the movie title for this one. BURNT OFFERINGS

Dragging the coffin upstairs for you, Coach Chizik.

Holly : I take that to mean you’re picking Giggity. I like their pass defense now that Chris Todd has returned to performing like a Chris Todd-like substance.

Orson: Auburn could survive one phase of their game struggling, but the defense has now begun to unravel, too. Dragging a coffin up the stairs is looking ahead to Furman to get bowl eligible.

Holly: I hadn’t actually noticed until just now that they’re on a three-game L streak. Who the hell’s teaching those kids to chop-block? (BECAUSE THEY DO THAT A LOT, DID YOU KNOW.) Up next: Candy corn pick: Mizzou at Colorado! Delicious or disgusting?

Orson: Candy corn is delicious in the proper serving size, which is exactly one small, 4 oz packet. Any more and you’re just shitting oversweetened marzipan for the next week, and apt metaphor for the Dan Hawkins Experience thus far at Colorado.

Holly: I like Young Monsieur Gabbert to nibble the delicious yellow ends off the Colorado secondary. (WHAT?)

Orson: I will riverside you here and take Colorado, because nothing makes sense in the Big 12 North at all, and because believe it or not, Colorado actually has a win in the Big 12, unlike winless Mizzou.

Holly: In a world where Kansas State leads a division, any division, in football, somebody’s got to stand for reason.
Enough foreplay. World’s Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy. Hit it.

Orson: I have Florida in a spooky, haunting replay of the 2006 game where we won 14-7. THE GHOST OF JOE TERESHINKI HAUNTS THE SIDELINES THIS WEEKEND. Deny the similarities at your own risk.

Holly : That’s not a Tereshinski ghost. That’s translucent Joe Cox’s Halloween costume. The likeness is uncanny!

Orson: Ghost Dog, if you will. The Ninja that Fails.

Holly: I have a sinking feeling this one will be atrocious to watch, and yet watch we shall, because there’s fuck-all else on at 3:30. Except Miami at Wake, which should by all rights be a HOUSE OF HORRORS. One of those churchy haunted houses with dead single mothers lying around.

Orson: You’re mistaken, though like a Fred Phelps Haunted House Miami fans, too, are fond of homophobic slurs. They’re playing Pitt this week. Can’t anyone see what they’ve done here? CAN’T ANYONE SEEEEEE?

There was no Miami/Wake game. OBEY.

Holly: They Live scares the bejesus out of me, for the record, more than any other scary movie in the history of ever. Except maybe The Orphanage. If you mashed up the skull-faced aliens with little kids in burlap sacks and committed it to celluloid, I would never come out from under the bed.

Orson: I’m a Shining guy myself, but that’s because I’m terrified of Shelley Duvall. In anything. To the Winchester! Spurrier the White at Kiffykins. The undead Tennessee Vols, bitten and infected by moral victories and the viruses they carry, stumble against the lurching South Carolina Gamecocks. Pick a zombie and put your money down, ma’am.

Holly: Lane Kiffin is undefeated versus Steve Spurrier. That is all. AND WE RIDE WITH WEEZY.

Orson: I will take South Carolina here because it is Halloween and Steve Spurrier is dressing up as a coach who cares.

Holly: Is this a weak enough slate that we need to bother picking Cal and Arizona State? Dennis Erickson strikes me as someone whose powers are multiplied when the veil between the worlds is thinnest. It’s the red glasses.

Orson: I think he’s at the peak of his powers when the veil between the academic compliance office and subverbal JUCOs who qualify on a signature and guessing “C” are thinnest. Cal wins this game and it WON’T BE A THRILLER. < –topical humor in 1985

Holly: Duke at Virginia. SPIN THE WHEEL, GROH.

Orson: Al Groh is trying to tell you something with each of his crimes.

Holly: If this ends with Ron Cherry’s severed head in a box, I’m on board.

Orson: It would, and then the eyes would come to life and call a personal foul on an oak tree in the background that did nothing to earn the flag. “I think all of the victims died of ennui, Detective.” I will take Virginia here, even though the Virginia staff right now are starring in their own version of The Others. (They’ve been dead the whole time!)

Holly: Nobody loves the comedic value of Zombie Virginia Midseason Resurgence more than me, but even the best zombies get their heads lopped off by the closing credits.

It does help, Illinois fans, to consider this a metaphor for your current coach. You’ll cut him off, it will hurt, and then you will replace it with a chainsaw to cut through opponents at will just as Florida did.

Holly: I’m not putting it past [NAME REDACTED] to show up on the sidelines in a slutty witch outfit to shore up recruiting, but it will not save him. All the good games are after dark, to the consternation of the large swath of our readers who want to be out stealing candy from small children. Texas-Okie State. Texas rolls here like they’ve got chainsaws on every limb. They’ve gotta start playing sometime. (…right? IS THE CALL COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE?)

Orson: The OK State line has only allowed three sacks thus far this season, but it’s Muschamp. He’s sending postcards from hell in the third quarter when he figures out the protection scheme. Robinson is the blonde; Muschamp is the handsome fellow with a skin condition.

This movie ends as it usually does: badly.

Holly: Grisly, Rob Zombie badly.

Orson: YEAAHHHHH /LilJonstoleRobZombiesschtick.

Holly: Last, hyped-est: USC-Oregon.I’m clutching my devil ducky and calling this for Oregon. Masoli operation permitting.

Orson: Pete Carroll, Matt Barkley, and Taylor Mays go to check out this weird house way out in the woods, and it ends with Pete Carroll standing in a corner, Barkley screaming Mays name as he holds the camera, and then everything going sideways as a THUMP ends the plot and USC’s chances at the Rose Bowl. BLAIR WITCHERY for the Ducks win.

Holly: And Oregon and Iowa for the Granddaddy of Them All, lord deliver us.

Orson: JOSH? (THUMP) MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAH!

It’s Tennessee/Florida, and therefore creeping death time. We’ll be all but useless for the next three hours at least, but feel free to make coherent and incoherent comments below.

So let it be written
So let it be done
I’m sent here by the chosen one
So let it be written
So let it be done
To kill the first born pharaoh’s son
I’m creeping death

Substitute “the defensive coordinator’s son” and it’s perfect. Inshallah, we shall see you covered in glory and the blood of the enemy on the other side.

Randy Peterson: I’m ready for your your questions, etc. How many games will Iowa State win? My over-under number is 6. Which, if last year tells us anything, is more than good enough for a bowl berth.

[Comment From Lance]Who are some people that could impress us both offense and defense that we have not heard of?

Randy Peterson: I heard some good things about receiver Lonzie Range while making my rounds in Ames earlier in the week. For one thing, he has two arms. What else do you need to catch a football? I mean this as an open question to you all, as I haven’t seen it done in several years by an Iowa State player.

Google Image Results for Ames, Iowa: Number One.

[Comment From Guest]It sounds like the Defense is going to attack and try to make plays as opposed to play bend-but-don’t-break. In your opinion, will this be a good move for their defense?

Randy Peterson: Anything will be an improvement from last season. The coaching staff have maintained their “just don’t break” philosophy throughout the spring, and are on schedule to start working on bending in fall camp. The reports as far as the number of players who have been able to walk off the field under their own power after plays have been really encouraging.

[Comment From ISUBILL]Which 6 teams will we beat, in your opinion?

Randy Peterson: This is just my guess…a way to stimulate fans heading into the summer…but I think the Cyclones have a chance to beat ND State, Kent State, Army, Kansas State, Baylor, Texas A&M and Colorado. Hear that, Cyclone Nation? A chance to beat North Dakota State? Is it stimulating in here, or is it just me?? [rips off shirt]

[Comment From cst8win]What about the O-Line??? We all know the foundation of a team is the big boys, and that much sucess in this area will lead to sucess as a team.

Randy Peterson: They’re learning a new system, just like the skill-position guys, so patience is needed. But, with the talented quarterback(s), running backs and receivers running the spread offense, if the offensive line can just knock a defender off stride, I’m thinking considerable improvement from last season. So all we need now are some talented quarterback(s), running backs and receivers! It always makes me feel better to make a little list. I tell you, things are lookin’ bright. [/staring directly into sun without blinking]

[Comment From ClonedAV]Have you heard any player position switches this spring?

Randy Peterson: Haven’t heard of anything major, and that’s a good thing. It’s tough learning a new system…from a new coaching staff. Also tough: Playing football.

[Comment From AltoonaKahuna]Okay, I’ll leave the ISU-Iowa game out of it, but how about the defense? From what you’ve seen and what you’ve heard, can this D actually come up with some stops and give the offense a chance?

Randy Peterson: The aggressive-style defense being taught is what other teams have used with success, therefore, I think it will eventually work at Iowa State. It’s a vast improvement over last year’s Tiptoe Through The Tulips Cover 1 scheme, and should see the Cyclones’ feet firmly planted on all Hawkeye throats at midseason.

[Comment From ISUser]So am I assume you think that ISU will get a road win this year? What do you think the odds are we get a conference road win?

Randy Peterson: Road wins will be so bountiful and emphatic that beginning in 2010 the Cyclones will play no home games. Jack Trice Stadium will be converted into an outdoor field laboratory for the biology department.

[Comment From cst8win]How many wins do you think will satisfy Cyclone fans this year? I think 5 or 6 would be a sucessful season, and one step up.

Randy Peterson: I’m not opposed to reporting on a bowl game. (There, I said it. Bowl! I’m as giddy as a schoolboy!)

[Comment From Guest] How do the young CB’s look? They are the key to a blitzing defense because if they can’t hold up, it’ll be a long year defensively.

Randy Peterson: Not just any bowl, mind. This team won’t be getting out of bed for a trip to Shreveport or Mobile. No, we’re aiming for sun, sand, and loose women.

[Comment From Bruce]Who won’t we see at the spring practice game on Sat. – be it due to injury, or just not on campus yet – that’s potentially a 1st or 2nd stringer by the time the season starts?

Randy Peterson: Of course, prestige is also a question. Who cares about the number of strip clubs per capita if all you’ve got to show for it at the end of the week is a ticket stub from the St. Petersburg Bowl? If Iowa is good enough for the Outback Bowl, they oughta be thrilled to host the likes of the Cyclones, am I right? High five! [slaps palm to computer screen]

[Comment From Guest]How do you feel the RB position will play out? Will Robinson get the majority of the carries?

Randy Peterson: My one exception would have to be the Las Vegas Bowl. Nothing like a little coin slot play to liven up a long cold winter in Middle America! Guys, you feelin’ me? Guys?

[Comment From Nate Booth]How is the communication style different between coaches and players this year?

Randy Peterson: No. You know what? Fuck that. My feet are on the ground, folks, but I’m about to reach for the stars. I’m calling it. Iowa State to the title game. ROSE BOWL BOUND, BABY!! WHO’S WITH ME?? THE SKIES SHALL RAIN BLOOD AND ALL THE WORLD SHALL QUAKE IN THE SHADOW OF THE CARDINAL AND GOLD. NO, THE OTHER CARDINAL AND GOLD. I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE — [runs around in circles, passes out]

It’s time to slowly roll out rosters and begin plugging names into the little sim models you have running in your head, but as you do remember one thing: assume nothing. Or as little as possible. Looking at last season, we thought a lot of things were near-certainties, like LSU’s unstoppable talent winning out over coaching changes and lack of an established qb, or Georgia’s invincibility pre-injury, or that Mizzou’s defense would materialize from nowhere and turn them into something other than a very accomplished gang of shootout artists.

We all think the Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs pose no threat. And yet, every season, they come to spit acid at us, toss cars as if they were toys, and do shocking things like beat Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Remember them, citizen, and listen to your inner Jeff-Goldblum-as-motormouthed-eccentric-genius when casting an eye to next season.

Sporting News Bits:

–Hey, Dhani Jones is dressed extremely impractically, but with reason, as he has stolen my dream job.

–What on earth could such a witty license plate mean? Given the sagacious Seminoles, there’s simply no fathoming it!

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

What you will be receiving in exchange for a large paycheck payable to one Dan Mullen: a man who wrote so many plays on index cards as an assistant at Syracuse that he developed a strange fungal infection on his hand, forcing him to wear a glove for the remainder of the season. He’s obsessed, naturally caffeinated, and his offenses really do adjust to the personnel they have, a claim every coach with an offensive “system” makes but few actually live up to once they get going.

He is a superb hire who may do this strange and potentially frightening thing called “scoring points.” Be not afraid, People of the Cowbell. This is permitted under NCAA by-laws.

Will this be a distraction before the national title game? OF COURSE NOT. Look! A BABY SEAL AWWWWW!!!!!

This seal says there’s nothing to see here. Move along.

[click to enlarge]

Besides a yard? ONE DAMN YARD, DAMMIT.

This house is going to be spotless by the time we’re done with this. Like, Joan Crawford spotless.

Clean up THIS MEEEEEESSSSS!

Our only consolation is that across the state of Georgia there will be thousands of other spotless homes by the end of the day, too. Nifty thing: our cleaning makes them feel better, too, via the endless loop of mutually reinforced schadenfreude.

Meanwhile, Ole Miss, don’t lift a thing today. You should spend the day drinking, and drinking heavily and eating on the reddest and velvetiest of red velvet cake. Ragin’ Cajun Rebel texted us at 1:30 in the morning last night with the question: “Does it still sting?” Yes, which means your football team did somethin’ right, son. Giggitys all around.

Enjoy your Sunday. We’ll see you tomorrow.

Fall is here! Now we get to carve pumpkins, which probably don’t have any nerves. If they did, though, they probably would only feel the first cut, and then they would go into shock until they died. And then, even if that didn’t do it, then pulling out their guts would probably finish them off. I love Halloween!

Starbucks’ French Vanilla Scones are delicious and addictive! They make me fat fat fatty, but Todd can eat forty at a time and HE NEVER GAINS A POUND THAT BASTARD. Unrelated: Have you seen The Talented Mr. Ripley? Matt Damon speaks to the soul in that movie.

Could you feed a camel lemonade and tap its hump, and turn it into a lemonade-spouting camel? And could we name him Steven, and take him around the Sahara drinkin’ lemonade and looking at the Pyramids? Please say we can!

I give all my nephews and nieces knives for Christmas. It helps them learn responsibility and first aid at the same time.

You know what else I like about fall? I get to break out all my old sweaters from storage. They’re soft, cuddly, and hide a few pounds gained over the offseason. And a knife. A good, sharp knife. You can’t see that, either.

What is Britney doing with her life?

I don’t think dolphins “talk,” so much as they “shriek like stabbed homeless men.”

Have you seen Bangkok Dangerous! Funny thing: it’s not porno! Boy, was the missus surprised at that. And disappointed.

Artichokes are God’s way of saying, “Sorry, you don’t get a better vegetable today. Because I hate you, and want you to die.”

Life’s not a destination, but a journey. If you want a destination, go to Branson, Missouri. Now that’s a destination.

I don’t believe in thank you notes. Instead, I like to say thank you the old-fashioned way: with the gift of arson.

The eyes of a child never lie, especially when you’ve just hit their dog with a car, because it’s hard to fake tears like that.

Live to win, ’till you die, ’till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting ’till you fall
Day by day, kickin’ all the way, I’m not cavin’ in
Let another round begin, live to win
Live to win
Live to win
Yeah, live, yeah, win!!

9/13/08: Never. Forget.

Rubbing our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring USC comes down with an outbreak of jock itch so crippling it actually sidelines players? Jim Harbaugh bows to no man or bacterium. Let the conspiracy theories begin.