The Halloweekend agenda.

ORSON (Jacksonville)

WOOOOOO COCKTAIL PARTY.

HOLLY (Columbus)
West Fuckin’ Virginia @ USF
Miami @ Wake
Duke @ Virginia
Central Michigan @ BC
WLOCP
Sakerlina @ Tennessee
USC @ Oregon
Texas @ OK State

Mr. Moundshroud: “Well, which was it? A Trick or a Treat?”

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers. Let us know where you’re at and look alive out there.

Holly: The Phil Fulmer Memorial Hainted Great Pumpkin Pickins!

Orson: Likin’ it.

Holly: Ole Miss-Auburn.

Orson. I know the movie title for this one. BURNT OFFERINGS

Dragging the coffin upstairs for you, Coach Chizik.

Holly : I take that to mean you’re picking Giggity. I like their pass defense now that Chris Todd has returned to performing like a Chris Todd-like substance.

Orson: Auburn could survive one phase of their game struggling, but the defense has now begun to unravel, too. Dragging a coffin up the stairs is looking ahead to Furman to get bowl eligible.

Holly: I hadn’t actually noticed until just now that they’re on a three-game L streak. Who the hell’s teaching those kids to chop-block? (BECAUSE THEY DO THAT A LOT, DID YOU KNOW.) Up next: Candy corn pick: Mizzou at Colorado! Delicious or disgusting?

Orson: Candy corn is delicious in the proper serving size, which is exactly one small, 4 oz packet. Any more and you’re just shitting oversweetened marzipan for the next week, and apt metaphor for the Dan Hawkins Experience thus far at Colorado.

(more…)

DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

It’s Tennessee/Florida, and therefore creeping death time. We’ll be all but useless for the next three hours at least, but feel free to make coherent and incoherent comments below.

So let it be written
So let it be done
I’m sent here by the chosen one
So let it be written
So let it be done
To kill the first born pharaoh’s son
I’m creeping death

Substitute “the defensive coordinator’s son” and it’s perfect. Inshallah, we shall see you covered in glory and the blood of the enemy on the other side.

This week, the Des Moines Register held a live chat, a sort of State of the State discussion. The topic: Iowa State football. Our crackerjack team of investigators has uncovered exclusive transcripts from the event. Excerpts follow. Some of it is actually taken verbatim from the chat.

Randy Peterson: I’m ready for your your questions, etc. How many games will Iowa State win? My over-under number is 6. Which, if last year tells us anything, is more than good enough for a bowl berth.

[Comment From Lance]Who are some people that could impress us both offense and defense that we have not heard of?

Randy Peterson: I heard some good things about receiver Lonzie Range while making my rounds in Ames earlier in the week. For one thing, he has two arms. What else do you need to catch a football? I mean this as an open question to you all, as I haven’t seen it done in several years by an Iowa State player.

Google Image Results for Ames, Iowa: Number One.

[Comment From Guest]It sounds like the Defense is going to attack and try to make plays as opposed to play bend-but-don’t-break. In your opinion, will this be a good move for their defense?

Randy Peterson: Anything will be an improvement from last season. The coaching staff have maintained their “just don’t break” philosophy throughout the spring, and are on schedule to start working on bending in fall camp. The reports as far as the number of players who have been able to walk off the field under their own power after plays have been really encouraging. (more…)

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

It’s time to slowly roll out rosters and begin plugging names into the little sim models you have running in your head, but as you do remember one thing: assume nothing. Or as little as possible. Looking at last season, we thought a lot of things were near-certainties, like LSU’s unstoppable talent winning out over coaching changes and lack of an established qb, or Georgia’s invincibility pre-injury, or that Mizzou’s defense would materialize from nowhere and turn them into something other than a very accomplished gang of shootout artists.

We all think the Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs pose no threat. And yet, every season, they come to spit acid at us, toss cars as if they were toys, and do shocking things like beat Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Remember them, citizen, and listen to your inner Jeff-Goldblum-as-motormouthed-eccentric-genius when casting an eye to next season.

Sporting News Bits:

–Hey, Dhani Jones is dressed extremely impractically, but with reason, as he has stolen my dream job.

–What on earth could such a witty license plate mean? Given the sagacious Seminoles, there’s simply no fathoming it!

Oh, there’s so much to cover: a Fiesta Bowl liveblog tonight, Oklahoma players “grabbing the chainsaw” by saying Tim Tebow would be the fourth best qb in the Big 12, Boston College displaying excellence in human resources by threatening to fire Jeff Jagodzinski…so much madness to cover, but first one must be in the right frame of mind. And the right frame of mind to consider the final four days of the college football season requires this:

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

Dan Mullen will be the new coach at Mississippi State, according to ESPN.com and the Clarion Ledger. If so, then au revoir, Dan, and happy sailing.

What you will be receiving in exchange for a large paycheck payable to one Dan Mullen: a man who wrote so many plays on index cards as an assistant at Syracuse that he developed a strange fungal infection on his hand, forcing him to wear a glove for the remainder of the season. He’s obsessed, naturally caffeinated, and his offenses really do adjust to the personnel they have, a claim every coach with an offensive “system” makes but few actually live up to once they get going.

He is a superb hire who may do this strange and potentially frightening thing called “scoring points.” Be not afraid, People of the Cowbell. This is permitted under NCAA by-laws.

Will this be a distraction before the national title game? OF COURSE NOT. Look! A BABY SEAL AWWWWW!!!!!

This seal says there’s nothing to see here. Move along.

[click to enlarge]