The ad doesn’t even attempt to solder together what beer and the ability to block someone have to do with each other, but we respect that kind of naked dialectical linkage in our advertising: no need to couch it, we like our consumerist propaganda neat.
So…they went and had beer afterwards? And then made passionate love? Kroeter, we must know what happened to you after you discovered the 190 pound offensive lineman could read.
Urban Meyer drinks your milkshakes–he drinks them up! The internet’s awesome: There Will Be Blood is likely 75 minutes of riveting acting surrounded by agonizingly constructed film school frippery, meaning you have to watch nine hours of grim squinting and sun-fried landscapes. Or you can just watch the coolest scene in the whole movie according to everyone who had the misfortune to sit still for that long free on the internet, and savor the fun of watching a hammered DDL beating a milky preacher to death with a bowling pin. And if that was a spoiler for you, then thank us for doing you the favor of spoilage. You have better things to do with your life, like sit in the FUCKING PHOENIX AIRPORT. (Yes, we’re still there.)
Anyway, Urban Meyer’s got Gameday at the Orange and Blue Game, signalling that Gameday might have grasped the full deprivation of college football fanbase by sending the whole crew (including Erin Andrews, Florida alum) to the game for the festivities and a ripping sunburn. Your milkshakes, we own them.
My recruiting straw goes ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way over to your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP! I DRINK IT!
Baron Silas Von Greenback has evil plans to keep all of you from succeeding in 2008. The first: Georgia. Today’s evil plan: Oklahoma.
Have you noticed, dear boy, that your necktie gets tighter at certain times, friend? Or for you, coach Bob Stoops, perhaps it’s your…visor. Yes, your visor. A certain…tightness about the crown of the head? Perhaps during important meetings, or during games with say…
…West Virginia in 2008?
…or with Boise State in 2007?
…or USC in 2004?
…or LSU in 2003?
Not to belabor the point, but you, Oklahoma, have been under one of the dear Baron’s most ingenious and lengthy plots: the slow torture of the CONSTRICTOVISOR, seen here on your head in one of its more effective moments.
None can escape the CONSTRICTOVISOR. Do not attempt removal.
Oh, Bob Stoops, you may not have even noticed that the Nike-approve, one-size-fits-all model you’ve worn for years now is always in your bag, never disappears on road trips, and never seems to pick up a single stain despite your wearing it non-stop for over eight seasons now. Nor, Mr. Stoops, have you been able to explain the gentle glow it emits in the dark, nor the mysterious disappearance of a sandwich from your refrigerator each Tuesday at the office. My friend, the CONSTRICTOVISOR works on two essential types of fuel: anxiety hormones and exactly one turkey club sandwich a week, something you have been unwittingly feeding it. THUS DO YOU FEED YOURSELF YOUR OWN DOOM AND SHAME!!!! AAHHHHH, THE BARON MUST LAUGH!!!
(Two minutes of raspy uninterrupted laughter follow.)
Stiletto, more champagne please! I must soothe my throat after all the merriment.
Coach Stoops, no other explanation is necessary: when your team faces huge games late in the season, my CONSTRICTOVISOR takes your otherwise superior football brain and applies a firm grip to the top of your skull, feeding off your anxiety and exactly one sandwich a week and cutting off just enough blood to your brain to diminish your coaching powers to the merely average. Yes, you have things to look forward to, Coach Stoops: the hyper-efficient play of Sam Bradford (a 36/8 TD/INT ratio as a freshman, Capital!,) the ferocious rushing of DeMarco Murray, solid play across the lines and such, and yes, your trademark ferocity on the defensive side.
And your schedule? If I wasn’t a master of evil myself–and yes, I am, aren’t I?–I would say for shame for the decadent diet of football crumpets you’re working in here: UT-Chattanooga, Cincinnati, at Washington, and Texas Christian? Some fiber, yes, so let’s not call them total crumpets. Rasberry bran crumpets, just durable enough to clean the system out before the meaty bulk of your Big 12 schedule. But then again, even in conference you’re looking at your toughest game on the road at A&M against a transitional Aggie Team, and perhaps fluky games at Oklahoma State and Kansas State.
Baron Von Greenback will help you, but only for a diamond tipped cane, Stoops.It should be, by all signs, a smashing year for your, Coach Stoops–but all of will come to naught if CONSTRICTOVISOR is allowed to stay on your head and work its devilish, mutated magic. Oh, and it will, it will, Bob Stoops, should you not immediately wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite.
And perhaps you’re thinking about removing it, Coach Stoops? Or denying it that all important weekly sandwich, eh? Let us just say that that would be very, very ill-advised indeed.
Perhaps you can recoup some of your money by requesting a finders fee from West Virginia coach Bill Stewart, another one of my pawns who fell into a head coaching job thanks to CONSTRICTOVISOR! Or Steve Spurrier, who evaded my clutches until he left for the Redskins, where my operatives tagged him with an all-too-powerful version of CONSTRICTOVISOR that left him sadly and permanently impaired. Something South Carolina fans know all too well! MUHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
While the iron was still lukewarm, we elected to award our own college football Oscars, enlisting Holly for the local assist from a Hollywood type. Sadly, not even Dan Hawkins’ bowl cut could challenge the haircut of Anton Chigurh, but there’s much to laud and statuettes to hand out.
Holly’s Picks, Ensured by Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bobby Petrino, in “Trust Me.”
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Trooper Taylor, in “Baby Come Back.”
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jimmy Clausen’s turn as a frail starlet in “Ouchtown, Population: You, Brah” has critics calling him the next Nicole Kidman.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Britton Colquitt, in “Among the Injured Were…”
Best animated film of the year
Eric Berry’s “The Waterbug”
Screw Obama, Hillary, and McCain: for true bipartisan effort, slug a vote down for Woody Hayes, whose brain in a jar should be put on a ballot this election season. The lifelong Republican (white guy with an anger problem? GOP? No!) stumps for Ben Espy, a former Columbus City Councilman and Buckeye grad…and, gasp!, a Democrat.
That’s cross-the-aisle work right there, sirs and madams. And don’t call him a commie, because he will rise from the dead to punch you in your face, punk. (HT: SBB.)
June Jones and the Magic Playbook. There’s three parts, all posted below. Just…just watch it.
How will Ryan Perrilloux finish the season?
Total Voters: 1,485
Loading ...
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Apr | ||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | ||||
| 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 |
| 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |
| 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
©2008 EveryDayShouldBeSaturday.com - Privacy Policy
EDSBS is proudly powered by WordPress
The page was generated in 0.547 seconds with 27 queries.
