Three were gored on their cell phones during falls. Maybe a stampede for open seating isn’t such an awesome idea anyway. Someone might fall, and then they might be hurt in the process. We wouldn’t want any of that.

Or maybe that’s EVERYTHING WE EVER WANTED IN A VIDEO AND MORE. Oh, people falling on metal and concrete. Don’t ever stop being funny. (HT: Keo)

You give the Ginger Ninja your best, and he multiplies yours times Ninja power and wins. Ginger Ninja notes your performance. Is performance of life, Stephen Garcia! Congratulations, but Ginger Ninja sees your moves telegraphed several beats ahead, and tops yours. In this manner the Ninja goes from victory to victory, unless he is playing a competent defense, and then NINJA DISAPPEAR!!! [/cloud of smoke]

Various Hawkins get our vote. The contest for this week’s Big 12 Cob of the Week is really no contest, since it has to go to crapulent Colorado and Dan Hawkins’ management of the franchise as a whole. Toledo! It’s a punchline to itself, or it would be if you hadn’t watched Aaron Opelt run a quarterback draw for a long TD through the entire defense, topping a performance so stunning it had the referees stroking out on the field.

Just put sponges in the turf. Bleed for your team, Gator fans. Or just wring Jonathan Crompton out over a large pot after a good tenderizing Saturday. /ohgodpleasedon’tbethesecondcomingofBrandonCox

14.7 yards a carry. That is Jeff Demps’ per carry average for the season at this point. Early season stats are fun!

There is no basement in the Alamo Bowl, but the Big Ten wouldn’t be let into it now if it existed, anyway. The Big Ten is out of the Alamo Bowl post-2009 in favor of a Pac-10 team, with the bowl order bumping the Alamo over the Holiday Bowl for the Pac-10’s number 2 team. The Alamo outbid the Holiday with a $3 million payout, but the Holiday should be fine, as it typically gets good ratings in its 12/30 slot, is the only game on in the slot, and looks a lot better on television than the Alamo anyway, which has the sad, dingy look of all games played indoors, even when it’s Michigan pulling off a quality hook ‘n ladder attempt.

The Holiday is also in San Diego, which people like for its natural beauty, excellent weather, tasty food, and proximity to major drug pipelines both into and out of Mexico. A destination for the whole family, really.

Boubacar is down for his boys. And a disorderly charge. Boubacar Cissoko doesn’t want you to mess with his boys, which earns him a point in the Fulmer Cup, and another chance to say the name Boubacar Cissoko, the most melodious name in college football. Somewhere in Mingovia Zoltan Mesko and Cissoko’s genes are being mixed in a lab to create one indomitable Afro-funk Wolverine Space Emperor to rule them all.

Aaron Corp now can look forward to a lucrative contract from the Kansas City Chiefs. That is the good news for Corp if he has indeed been “Cassel’d” as the starter at USC by Matt Barkley. The downside is that Barkley will be Leinart’d by an ancient quarterback as a pro, and will have to drown himself in groupies, tequila, bonus money, and Valtrex to dull the pain. A hellish fate, to be sure. The Mater Dei freshman has Pete Carroll quoting Malcolm Gladwell, which means soon Michael Lewis will write an article about how innovative Barkley was by deciding to throw the ball with his arm, which is unlike any other quarterback ever.

Ay, papi. Miami’s first four games, again: at Florida State, GT at home, at Virginia Tech, and then Oklahoma at home. OU was a bad matchup anyway, but after those three games to open it moves into the “potential smiting” category, and through very little fault of Miami’s. They have to endure the grappling match Virginia Tech will put on them, and will probably still have the bruises and lactic acid buildup from that game in their system when they take the field against the Sooners, who will then turn Bradford and the flamethrowers on them. Ghastly, but impressive in its Viking bravery. Cheers, and here’s a life insurance policy.

Tebowvania, here we come. We’ll admit: we’d love to see this Blaze kid at quarterback.

Plus Vince Young’s roommate had the last name “McCoy,” and Colt McCoy’s roommate has the last name “Young”! OK, that’s completely false, but ESPN Big 12 blogger Tim Griffin has found some remarkable similarities between the Texas teams of 2005 and 2009. Leaving aside the irrelevant “Y-O-U-N-G and M-C-C-O-Y both have five letters!!!1!!1!” coinky-dinks, there are indeed a striking number of parallels here, not the least of which is the fact that if UT takes the BCS championship this season, they, like the ‘05 squad, likely will have notched a huge title-game upset over a team that had been shoved down our throats for months as the GREATEST DYNASTY EVAR. Those who forget history, doomed to repeat it, etc. etc. etc.

All right, everybody, time for backstroke drills! Practice has begun for teams across the country, and some had an easier time of it than others:

RALEIGH – N.C. State’s preseason practice is off to a stormy start.

At one point, a sideline yard marker began floating in a stream of rainwater that had drained to the side of the field.

Not an auspicious beginning for a program that’s been touted for dark-horse status in the ACC this year, but when two of your first three games are against Murray State and Gardner-Webb, maybe you can afford to write off a preseason practice or two.

Neologism of the day. In other practice news, first-year Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, too, has begun fall practice on the Plains, which really isn’t that newsworthy in and of itself but is a good time to introduce a new word I’ve been meaning to get started. With Sylvester Croom gone, we need a new word to replace “Croomed,” so I propose that if a coach loses to a Chizik-coached Auburn team in such an embarrassing fashion that he gets fired, that coach will be said to have been “Chizzwhacked.” Go ahead, spread it around.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, an entirely different kind of whacking is going on. How did we miss this comment from Nick Saban at SEC Media Days?

“We appreciate our fans,” Alabama coach Nick Saban said at SEC Media Days. “They certainly give a lot of positive self-gratification to our players, which is the most important thing. . . . “

Further comment? None, thanks for asking.

First recorded instance of “pig sooey” in a rap song? We’re going to go with yes. Since we posted that ricockulous “Tim Tebow Song” video the other day, in the interest of equal time we’re now going to hear from one of Florida’s 2009 opponents: Arkansas, specifically wide receiver Reggie Fish. Behold: “I Ball.”

The title of “Next Barkevious Mingo” is not one we take lightly around here. SI.com’s Andy Staples scours the recruiting sites for the next great name in college football. God’s Power Offor retains a healthy lead in that race, but make no mistake, Indiana Faithful and Munchie Legaux will be mounting strong efforts down the stretch.

Buckeyefulls all around. Nick Saban blames you, Alabama fan, for his particularly painful hangnail this morning and for Ohio State outdrawing Alabama and setting a national spring game record for attendance at 95,722. All were well-behaved for Terrelle Pryor’s 2 TD performance as the Gray beat the Scarlet 23-3. Fans celebrated by baring their chests, opening their mouths, and welcoming the sweet sting of the Buckeyes’ favorite postgame beverage, pepper spray.

It tastes better on draft from the hose.

Hello out there in Marconiphone land. Joe Paterno contributed to a wireless broadcast of the Blue-White Spring Scrimmage at Penn State, where his voice was heard over amplitude modulate frequency as far away as New Jersey and other exotic locales. Paterno says he feels much better following hip surgery, or feels as well as someone his age can feel. He’s also overjoyed at the airing of the Discovery Channel documentary about his beloved lost baby mammoth, Stacey.

Drunk driving on flat surfaces. We can’t blame you–it is West Lafayette, Indiana–but drunk driving on flat surfaces may be even more dangerous than driving on hills and mountains, since flat surfaces mean no stops for anything but trees, houses, and other people and cars. Fulmer Cupdate pending today, and it’s going to be laaaaaarge. (Thanks, Trent Pupello!)

Get Money, Cornelius. Cornelius Ingram was drafted by the Eagles, which is awesome because he is awesome, huge, and was probably blatant theft by the Eagles as a fifth round pick, provided the knee holds together. (Much like saying “If our promising studio contract actor doesn’t slide back into morphine addiction,” but still.) Philly fans welcomed him with open arms and affection, or in translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

MINGO!!! Victory is in sight, Mingovians. Rejoice, and run to victory with arms stretched wide!

Excellent use of the caption function. We will never, ever tire of watching Eric Berry hit someone sideways–though if this video does remind us of anything, it’s that Jahvid Best hydrates himself very well prior to kickoff, and stays well-hydrated throughout the game unless you knock the Gatorade out of his stomach.

They will also have you spend long hours looking for someone, anyone, to tell you where the door hinges are. Though this is exclusively specious rumor at this point: Home Depot wants to shake up the lineup on the best pregame show on ESPN, replacing the incomparable Chris Fowler, a man who clearly adores college football, with Karl Ravech, and replacing Lee Corso with Lou Holth because they want to get…younger in that department? Need more random HItler references live on-air? This makes no sense, which either makes it total bullshit offseason wall-spackle, or the actual plan minus the detail that Kirk Herbstreit will do the entire show wearing only an orange apron and a fine coat of posing oil.

The man, the myth, the combover. Smart Football leans firmly and convincingly on the notion of Hal Mumme being the most influential coach of the past two decades. Madness, you say? He overstates the case for effect we think, but give Mumme his due: he’s equal part retard and genius, someone unafraid to revolutionize an offense while benching his SEC-leading passer in favor of a glorified offensive lineman fond of snack foods and interceptions.

Intensity. Fightin’. Likin’ it. Illinois had a couple of scuffles in practice. The good news? Teams that fight in practice tend to be good teams for some reason (see the best Miami teams, for example.) The bad news? [NAME REDACTED] got so stimulated from the experience that he fought his way through a whole frat house with a single waterski after practice. You’re likin it. Don’t lie.

You can’t blame them. Seven Syracuse football players have left the team since Doug Marrone took over at Syracuse. Current data suggests no conclusive results, as absolute zero minus seven is still absolute zero.

CITIZENS: A reminder that the powerful MGObloc has settled behind Iris Macadangdang, and threatens all that Mingovia stands for. Plus, she’s a Republican who belongs to Amnesty International. Republican readers: she belongs to Amnesty International! BOOOOOOO. Democrat readers: she writes dictators letters suggesting more efficient ways to torture prisoners! Libertarians: she opposes your right to smoke weed and masturbate with expensive assault rifles!

In all directions she’s clearly a danger to all you believe. VOTE MINGO and keep America awesome.