Mid-Major Manifest Destiny: Villanova has a football team!
We know this because they came dangerously close to beating would-be MAC favorite Temple. Wonders never cease.
FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: AUBURN VS. MISSISSIPPI STATE
by Spencer Hall on Sep 9, 2010 4:35 PM EDT
23 comments
Welcome to the second Factor Five Five Factor Preview of the 2010 season, the Thursday Night Game's custom analysis guaranteed to do nothing but effectively kill time until you can watch said Thursday night game. Don't say we aren't up front about what goes on here every day, reader.
The five categories are: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity, Mascot, Aura, Names, and Grudges/Scores to settle/Sheer cussedness.
Category One: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.
Auburn fans join those who after the inaugural week of the season are currently snorting lines of Smarties off the desks of the school and jumping in unsafe manners off every piece of playground equipment imaginable because....because here stands Opelika, once a city of six million people. What has happened here was caused by a force which up until a few days ago was entirely beyond the scope of Man's imagination, or at least to those how watched Cam Newton and his crappy release as a freshman fire passes a clear well-measured kilometer over the heads of his receivers. Opelika, a smoldering memorial to the unknown, an unknown which at this very moment still prevails and could at any time lash out with its terrible destruction anywhere else in the world, but wouldn't really change how Opelika looked all that much, since shit there's like a Starbucks, the Supper Club, a couple of instabuild chain hotels, and Toomer's Corner. That really wouldn't be all that hard to rebuild.
There were once many people here who could've told of what they saw... now there are only a few, mostly because they're all driving to Starkville for the game to witness the further work of....GODZILLA.
(Via TWER.) Is Cam Newton, aka Godzilla, aka Dameyune Craig without a growth hormone deficiency, going to be the big chunk of God's radioactive wrath unleashed upon the Arkansas State defense, passing for 3 TDs and adding 171 yards and two scores on the ground? He's unlikely to reproduce those kinds of numbers against Mississippi State, both because Mississippi State's defense--while middling in statistical terms last year--is at least a few shades closer to the set of power lines able to at least slow Godzilla in his epic struggle to purchase an affordable laptop at bargain prices make a smoking model city of his opposition.
23 comments | 2 recs |
NEVER FORGET: tonight marks the second anniversary of the 3-2 Auburn victory over Mississippi State, known around these parts as the "Baby I'm Burning" game or alternately "The Worst/Best SEC Football Game Ever Played." The box score should be bronzed and placed on the side of deep space probes to show just how serious we as humans can be about destruction, especially the part where Miss State was 0-14 on 3rd down and 0-3 on fourth. SPOILER ALERT: everyone got fired. We blame Bob Davie and Mark Jones for everything that happened on that night.
(Please also consider the miraculous 56 over/under in this game tonight, and how impossible this would have seemed two years ago.)
EDSBS MAD WAGERIN': TUMBLING DICE IN WEEK TWO
by Spencer Hall on Sep 9, 2010 11:50 AM EDT
90 comments
Our new Mad Wagerer In Chief, Peter of Cleveland Frowns, kept a clean slate last week in going 3-0-2. This week he reminds you that Notre Dame is not UConn, that the butterfly effect still exists two decades after Jurassic Park, and takes the bold move of picking Jim Tressel to cover. Enjoy.
I won't come in here and crow about last week's perfect start (PROTIP: A push is a win. Always.). Liberty she pirouette and all that, of course. But I'll admit I was a little bummed that Orson called me a "degenerate gambler" no less than three (!!!) times in last week's post. It was the position of "mad wagerer" that I thought I was signing up for, which sounded great. I get mad about things, and a wager is for sure a wager. Like:
wager - n. - something risked or staked on an uncertain event; bet:
wager - v. - to risk (something) on the outcome of a contest or any uncertain event or matter; bet. - OR - to pledge oneself to (battle) for the decision of a cause.
Like, what's not an "uncertain event"? Do you love without expecting anything in return? Of course you do. Gambling implies "losing, or squandering," and "games of chance." Wagering isn't that. Wagering is just living in a world of limited resources where you don't know everything.
Also, technically, we're all degenerating.
South Florida +15 over Florida (1 unit) (Saturday, 12:21 ET, ESPN3): Which is to say, Florida fan, that some have more fun doing it than others, and it's really just a matter of choice. Lemons or lemonade? My appreciation for the picking arts didn't approach full bloom until Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore, leaving a void of meaning in my football weekends that, thankfully, I was quick to try and fill. Life after Tebow. What else is there to do? The mere prospect sent Urban Meyer into a tailspin, but he didn't really have the option of opening a sports book account. And what else could explain Mike Pouncey? "[C]onsumed by Saturday's snap fiasco, the senior has lost sleep; his erratic snaps are plastered all over TV and people are 'killing' him on Facebook." People are dying on Facebook. We should have seen this coming last week, and might have if the prospect of wagering on the Miami Redhawks wasn't generally so unthinkable.
Notre Dame -3.5 over Michigan (2 units) (Saturday, 3:35 ET, NBC): Notre Dame would have won by 36 last week if not for Michael Floyd's strange third quarter punt into Purdue's endzone on first and goal, and the Boilermakers are a team with a functioning secondary (Charlton Williams 6'2, 206!). It's hard to understand why such a consensus (86% at one respected online book) is backing Michigan on the road here. Except that since he led the Wolverines to a win over a plodding UConn unit with no secondary (or receivers*) itself, Denard Robinson is now Cheetah-Rhino-Dragon-Emporer of the Internet. Whatever. Tie your shoes, dummy. You're going to get hurt. Also, Brian Kelly will have recruits on the sideline for this one. Nobody doesn't want to cover the spread for the recruits.
(*Note: These receivers that UConn doesn't have still reportedly managed to "burn" UConn's secondary "early and often" in the Huskies' spring game. Hey, let's make Denard Robinson** Cheetah-Rhino-Dragon-Emporer of the Internet after beating these guys....DERRRP.)
(**Tie your fucking shoes.)
Florida State +7.5 over Oklahoma (1 unit) (Saturday, 3:35 ET, ABC): What's the point of even having a Central Time Zone if you're not going to use it to start this goddam thing at 4:35 ET? Anyway, taking the points here might seem too easy after what Utah State did to the Sooners last week, but Oklahoma's home win-streak isn't going to be undervalued here either. If you like Christian Ponder, an early game like this is probably the time to buy in. But most importantly here, don't we have to think that Mark Stoops knows things about Bob? Big game for Mark. Big game for Jimbo. In with the new is what I always say.
Penn State +12 over Alabama (1 unit) (Saturday, 7:05 ET, ESPN): A freshman quarterback on the road at Bryant-Denny against the defending national champs in his second-career start. Nobody doesn't get that. Nobody doesn't know that Penn State didn't play Youngstown State last week, either. Bought and paid for in the 12-point line.
It's really hard for the college kids to repeat, isn't it? How much harder when they lose guys like Marcell Dareus and Mark Ingram ("vastly underrated in terms of instincts and ability to find creases") for games like this? If you want to buy in on the meaninglessness of preseason polls, this seems like as good a place as any. Whatever they don't have, the Nittany Lions have size on the lines and speed on the outside. Hell, a butterfly flaps its wings, a ball bounces here or there, and Robert Bolden might take over next week as Flying-Cheetah-Rhino-Megatron-Boss-of-All-Things. More likely, Alabama wins by 11.
Ohio State -8 over Miami (2 units) (Saturday, 3:45 ET, ESPN): It was the most sent story on ESPN.com this week: "Revenge." "Respect." "A chance to prove that Miami really, truly is back." Revenge. For losing a national championship to a two-touchdown underdog. For being on the wrong side of one of "the best calls in officiating history" (Thanks to Doc Saturday for some excellent work on the subject). "Really, truly is back" is the best here, though, because when were the Canes even almost back? When they opened last season by beating posers from Georgia Tech, Oklahoma and Florida State (and barely)?
Smoke, mirrors, projected from ancient past. Hey, it was a great documentary. For more recent history, here's a good line about last week's Miami game against Florida A&M (emphasis supplied): "[T]here were times when mobile Rattlers quarterback Martin Ukpai was able to scramble from pressure as the Canes missed open-field tackles." Randy Shannon, Jacory Harris, how about winning a big game? Even just one?
If you realize this is Jim Tressel's best football team since '03, you have to take the Buckeyes here.
That's all for this week. Georgia/South Carolina was the one that got away. Please do share your angles in the comments here. Also, enjoy, steer clear of mobile Rattlers quarterbacks and whatnot.
(We're 3-0-2 (+3 units) picking this season so far.)
THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/9/2010
by Spencer Hall on Sep 9, 2010 10:44 AM EDT
37 comments
SEE? THAT'S SHOWER DISCIPLINE. The Derek Dooley shower discipline session didn't look like this, but it should have.
"See, proper soaping, boys, but first flex and firmly clasp another man round the neck on the way in, but not in an overly homosexual manner. Then, as you proceed through the second verse, continue soaping but lose NO FOCUS in the singing. Your prancing equipment manager will take all towels in order to prevent possible bacterial infections from spreading through towel re-use. Do not slow down in dressing into clean clothes; proceed briskly to the dance number, and make sure you are wearing jeans so tight a good sneeze sends at least one testicle hurtling into your abdominal cavity, where it may not descend for several months. THEN DANCE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT."
One can only hope such attention to detail in the field of hygiene leads to victory, but let this be known: no matter how the Derek Dooley era ends, it will be in a clean, sanitary fashion with little risk of pesky staph infections. Derek Dooley Shower Discipline Session is also the name of the most disturbing Asian pornography ever, and yes you just pictured it and you're welcome.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WIN. And they might, though Skip Holtz is right: if you lose a 39-38 overtime game with Florida, you should be pissed because you let what appears to be a wretched Florida offense score 39 points on your defense, and in our current state that really would be inexcusable. Voodoo Five has a parley with Alligator Army on the upcoming game that will make us sweat blood for well over three quarters if we're lucky, and in it AA notes an important trio of possible returns in OLs Carl Johnson and Xavier Nixon as well as the return of Will Hill.
And of course Pat Dooley thinks Gator fans want Steve Addazio's head, which is untrue and misses the finer points of any accusations hurled his way. Addazio is a fine offensive line coach, a great recruiter, and did in fact hold the program together in Urban Meyer's absence. We don't want his head, it's just that we don't want his head sewed to the offensive play-calling, which has been less spread 'n shred and more Northwestern '98 for well over a year now. Northwestern '98 was awesome in its day, but it's 2010 and the last time we saw the Gator offense in its inventive, confusing glory it was working in Starkville, not in Gainesville.
It hasn't caught up with us yet, but it will, and the numbers bear that out thus far. (And citing the FSU, UGA, and Cincy games is a canard, since all three defenses were horrid.)
SPEAKING OF STARKVILLE: They're doing a fine job of welcoming Cam Newton for their game against Auburn tonight.
YOU COMPLETE AND TOTAL DICK. Thanks for the holding call, asshole, since it only cost the dude a car, but even then that doesn't really top the factual but still painful quote from North Dakota State coach Craig Bohl regarding their upcoming game against Northern Iowa.
I think the environment that we're going to play in Cedar Falls is going to be much more of a hostile environment than Memorial Stadium in Kansas. That was pretty docile," Bohl said. "And the type of team that we're going to be playing is going to be a much more physical, aggressive football team than KU. And quite frankly I think we're going to be playing a better opponent. I know one school is in the Big 12 and the other one is in the Missouri Valley. I think that gives an indication on how we see Missouri Valley play and the respect we give Northern Iowa."
If you'd like to listen to an actual Jayhawk fan call in after this loss like a man, you can listen to the replay of EDSBS Live from last night here, where Pete Jayhawk boldly faces the world after watching his team lose 6-3 to NDSU. Well done, Pete.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME MISTER NO REALLY WHAT IS IT OKAY DON'T GET SMART NOW. FSU's Mister Alexander was arrested for driving without a license, and Abbott and Costello antics in the conversation with the policeman surely ensued.
37 comments | 1 recs |
AJ GREEN SUSPENDED FOUR GAMES, SAYS RANDOM PUNISHMENT GENERATOR
by Spencer Hall on Sep 8, 2010 5:08 PM EDT
106 comments
AJ Green sold his Independence Bowl jersey for a grand to an agent-like substance, and though that's been repaid Green will now have to sit out four games because....um...
1.) Four's a neat number! It's got angles and shapes and stuff in it.
2.) The punishment of four weeks is meant to symbolize the four quarters of the year, and is a reflection of life's fullness and the tenuous hold we all have on opportunity. To every season, turn, turn, turn, to every jersey sold on E-Bay, um, sure go ahead and take it Ecclesiastes something or other--
3. Four rhymes with more, which is what you were looking for when you became a whore for the score! #ATLpreachermode
4. Four are the chambers of the heart, as in the one you broke in the Georgia merchandising office when you sold the jersey without them getting a cut.
5. The number of legs on a Bulldog.
6. The quarters to a football game. <-----DEEP
All of these make as much sense as the punishment handed down by the NCAA, who says that Georgia may appeal the decision. Appeals have gone well lately, as Ole Miss fans will attest, so a reduction is certainly a possibility. How possible? Do this: eat some Alpha-Bits, do not chew them, and then have someone punch you in the stomach to eject them from your stomach. Whatever results you can divine from the letters are as good as any other guess, though the NCAA swears there's a logic to the suspensions.
Keep in mind, one can always just say "mitigating circumstances" in reducing the sentence, as they did in the case of Marcell Dareus. Mitigating circumstances could be cited here, too, a handy device in that they do not have to be specified. It's not that this isn't a potentially huge problem, it's just that the punishments following the reimbursement are unnecessarily harsh and often arbitrary despite stated scales of punishment.
Since the holding out from last week counts, this means Green will miss the South Carolina and Arkansas games and the road game at Mississippi State. If Aaron Murray didn't think he'd face a shitload of eight man fronts, he's about to adjust that expectation severely.
106 comments | 1 recs |
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