Poolside, Malibu. USC relaxes in yellow bathing trunks. The sound of the breeze and the inconsistent strokes of poolboy skimming the surface of the water.
Then: USC senses someone watching him. Without turning to look.
USC: No. No, no, no, no, no.
USC turns to look, and laughs for twenty seconds straight.
USC: Jesus, take that thing off, you’re embarrassing yourself. Skew function much?
Chargers: I thought it made me look younger.
USC: Like you strapped clip art to your face, man. Take that shit off.
Chargers: I’m sorry, it’s just that people recognize me with this.
USC: Do they? I’m asking seriously. Like, even in San Diego.
Chargers: I just need a few weeks. It’ll only be a few weeks, I promise.
USC: No. I’ve already got company. Also, you’ll bring all those Rivers kids in there. This is a mansion and there’s not room for them here.
Chargers: You don’t know how bad it is. Philip made them all little bindles like they were Okies. They sing by a fire they built in the backyard like that’s something you can do at an AirBnB.
USC: That deposit’s not coming back.
Chargers: THERE ARE 37 OF THEM AND THEY ALL WANT FRUIT SNACKS AND THEY ARE KILLING ME.
USC: The answer’s still no.
Chargers: I’ll be so quiet. I promise. I just can’t stay in a place with just 30K seats. It’s a soccer stadium, man. They don’t even have the mandatory things I, as an NFL franchise, need and crave.
USC: Spanos didn’t get the human hunting range by the city council did he?
Chargers: There’s scarcely room for a orgy parlor, much less the customary owner’s laborer-hunting parlor! Savages.
USC: I feel for you, I really do. But you’re not staying here.
Chargers: I’ve got some auditions.
USC: No.
Chargers: This screenplay—
USC: No.
Chargers: A place that makes smoothies, but with grass-fed meat in them, and getting in on the ground floor—
USC: No.
Chargers: Phillip. Rivers. Zumba. For. Men.
USC: The door’s over there. Have fun getting outdrawn by an MLS team.
Chargers: YOU’RE THE MLS TEAM.
USC: Say hi to that other player from your team everyone can name. You know, the other one.
Chargers: One more thing. Can I borrow a Ronald Jones II from you, I—-
USC: [points to door]
Chargers puts new face on and leaves. USC turns to LA RAMS.
USC: When you gonna be finished with the pool, buddy?
LA RAMS: Oh, around seven to nine minutes, from now, sir.