Conceptually, it is very, very hard to want to wake up, see the morning sun splitting your brain open through the blinds, and say without flinching: I am going to watch Florida football this season. There is, sitting somewhere on our eye in a heads up display, a list of the things we dread having to do in life, and somewhere just above "death" and "taking the recycling out" sits "Watching Florida Football." It glows a little, like a bad engine light going off when you're eighty miles away from a gas station with no cell reception.
We need survival skills, or at least a plan, since no one survives without a good plan. That plan? We need the last hope for bad franchises: a series of quality sequels.
FLORIDA TWO: WACO NIGHTS
Baylor. They're now Florida Two for us, the better sequel where Albert evades debtors and a few warrants for check-kiting and goes to a scoundrel's last refuge: the great state of Texas. There he learns to love offense again, makes friends with a Dr. Pepper-chugging bear, and loses to UCF in a bowl game. There's a great story arc here, especially the part where the team makes a bowl game, and yet still loses. (Leaving Albert something to continue striving for in our story, and shut up, beating Ohio State doesn't even count.)
FLORIDA THREE: CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN MALZAHN
Auburn. Oh, that hurts, but the complete Malzahnification of the Auburn program makes them an irresistible force because they do everything we wish Florida could do: score, entertain, frustrate opponents, score, score a bit more, win games they shouldn't, beat Alabama, produce games not easily confused for home burial instructional videos, play in front of excited crowds, and score while beating Alabama. The plot is an almost incoherent mess involving a lot of badass fight scenes and improbable moves, and in the end Albert beats everyone up in a bar before jumping off a huge mountain. This being Auburn under Gus Malzahn, Albert will land in the back of a hay truck, live, and probably run over Nick Saban simultaneously.
FLORIDA FOUR: THE PACIFIC DANGER
Fleeing the law, a grizzled Jeremy Foley winds up in Washington and learns that, sometimes, you can hire someone who's already been a head coach. It's like marrying a divorcee - sexy, emotional, and far less likely to lead to a screaming match about "what do you mean you've never paid your credit card bill because you just assumed it wasn't a big deal?"
FLORIDA FIVE: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE
A trip to East Lansing converts Albert into a huge, anthropomorphic turtle. He is immediately inserted into the Michigan State starting linebacking corps, where he learns the value of properly executed defense-first football and also plays in the bowl game despite five felony counts from a massive bar brawl. Co-stars Michigan State legend Kirk Cousins as "Kirk Cousins, playing a few more seasons under his own name and hoping no one notices or minds."
FLORIDA SIX: LARS AND THE SOUTH CAROLINA REAL DOLL
Just give in to your inner traitor and watch South Carolina. When they score, or do something amazing like "beat Georgia," just shake your head and say out loud, "God's really smiling on the Gators today, ain't he?" Then turn to your Steve Spurrier Real Doll, peck it on the cheek, and give it a gentle pat on the thigh. Your family always thought you were odd, but honestly it's the happiest you've been since 2012 and no one's asking too many questions.
FLORIDA SEVEN: LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROLL OUT
Tulane. This is mostly compiled from old driver's ed footage and Hardee's commercials, but watch it on salvia with a cop and you will weep. (In the nude, but still.)
FLORIDA EIGHT: I KNOW WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO LAST SUMMER
Four quarterbacks start the film, and fall one by one as they run from the secrets of what they didn't do one fateful summer. (P.S. The secret thing they didn't do is "get wide receivers or other skill players to throw to.")
FLORIDA NINE: BELLY FOUR
DMX and Urban Meyer get revenge on Michigan State, the FBI, and Ja Rule. The wins over Michigan State and the FBI are later vacated, and DMX ends up getting the Illinois job. He retires forty years later, a legend and a Tony winner.
FLORIDA TEN: ECHOES OF GLORY
Albert meets a friendly old Notre Dame fan at the barber shop, who tells him that concussions are just God's way of saying "good hustle" and presents a disturbingly eugenics-heavy defense of the field goal. In the theatrical release, Albert hangs himself in a barn full of Ron Powlus jerseys. In the darker director's cut, Albert decides to become a baseball fan.
FLORIDA ELEVEN: BURDEN OF HEAVEN
"It is the harmony of an overwhelming and collective murder." Just put this on loop over the broadcast. It works. It works because it is all so very true.