THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE (SPORTSWRITING EDITION)

John Grieshop

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, TEAM PLAYERS

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

King George had a message for his players: it's his way, or the highway. And he didn't care who didn't like it.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

America was looking for the bus to Title Town. But England was too busy trying to throw America beneath it.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

Nobody's bigger than the game. England forgot that, and America had to step up and do something about it. If we don't have integrity in sports, we won't have it anywhere else.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

England may have had the crown, but it's America that decided to act like a princess. And just like that old story, when this princess steps out and looks for a new prince? America's gonna see nothing but pumpkins come midnight.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.

Would a leader like Jordan have put up with this for so long? Would Jeter?

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States.

I know the King. I've met the King. And let me tell you this: the King loves this team. He wants to win more than anyone else. He's a good man who runs a class organization.

A very long list of the King's crimes follows. We have saved time by only including one.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

Redskins is about heritage, not hate.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury.

The NCAA had no comment on when the investigation would be concluded.

A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Some people don't like Nick Saban's style. But it's hard to argue with the results.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren.

Sorry, I've tried to watch soccer. No scoring? Reminds me too much of high school, pal.

We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us.

Who are these P.C. police that said I can't yell at a player who's performing poorly, or his mother, or his kids? Who elected them? Who sold them my freedom of speech?

We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here.

King George isn't like the rest of us. He's not a "Pittsburgh Guy." He doesn't get it like we do.

We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity.

Team officials would neither confirm or deny that they were looking at moving the colonies to Los Angeles if a new stadium deal is not reached.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.

I guess you can't spell America without "Me."

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Joe Flacco is not an elite quarterback. Period.

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