Tonight, we light the 17 candles of the Bermenorah, one for each airport lounge he has been banned from for life. (That number may go up by one next year, pending a 6th Circuit ruling on whether a clear plastic poncho constitutes public nudity.)
We will give a special loved one the ceremonial Barry Mel-Rose, the variety designed to have petals cascading downward like the Canadian Waterfall's trademark hair.
Orthodox households will celebrate ESPY Night by giving each other logging equipment and using it to destroy giant totems of Stephen A. Smith. More liberal households may opt to allow their youngest child to piss out the Bayless Candle.
The word "ESPY," as you well know, is formed from the names of four historic assassins: Mustafa Essawy, Sirhan Sirhan, Patrick J. Whelan, and John Wilkes "Young Stunna" Booth. Perplexing that an entire religious celebration is organized to celebrate political murder, but, in the words of Mark May, "assassins are team first guys who can play for me any day of the week."
So gather your family tonight. Hold them close. Remind them that your shared love is GMC Professional Grade. And then let the kids fight the robotic Scott Van Pelt. Don't worry, he's set to "dulcet." (If he tags in Andy North, RUN.)