THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL CAN SPEAK A LITTLE BRONCO

Mike McGinnis

ENOUGH TO GET BY AND FIGURE OUT WHERE THE BATHROOM IS AT LEAST

Before coming to BYU, Bronco Mendenhall plied his football trade at New Mexico, Northern Arizona, Louisiana Tech, and a place called "Snow College," Utah's only accredited academic institution run entirely by Yetis. (Nobody is falling for your for-profit bullshit, Ice Cave Online School of Business.) That frontiersman background has taught Mendenhall to choose his words carefully but to back them up meaningfully, in ways that city and suburban folks may not really understand.

Say, for instance, you're traveling with Bronco Mendenhall and your shared hotel room only has one bed. When he says "I'll take the floor," what he means is "You can't feel the vibrations from an approaching enemy in that pillowtop, so I guess I have to cover for your useless ass yet again."

Or if you're having pizza and Bronco says "You can have the last slice, I'm good." That actually means "Now a debt exists between us, and I will collect on it - in cheese or in blood." It's complex, and mistranslating his meaning could get you killed.

So, when Bronco Mendenhall says "[BYU] would love to be a member of the Big 12....that would make a lot of sense," please understand what that really means:

"Crushing Texas was a warning, and a merciful one at that. Surrender a spot in your conference or we will rip each of you limb from limb, burying the pieces in different deserts across the world so that your souls will never know peace. You have one month to comply."

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