THE BIG TEN IS TIRED, YO

Badger.

76 DAYS UNTIL WE EITHER HAVE NEW LIFE OR GET CRUSHED UNDER THE WHEEL OF EXPECTATION!

This week in the Big Ten, Ohio State needs to cover up, Purdue is starting early, and Illinois is going to upset someone (probably not in a good way.)

We are horrible people. Awful, terrible people.

OHIO STATE

It's the fact that this is the second time this has happened that really does it for me.

Ohio State is getting bomb dogs. Not like, dogs who were super cool in 1999. Dogs who can detect bombs. Just to be clear.

NEBRASKA

The governor of Nebraska is applying to be the president of the University of Nebraska, because being president of the University of Nebraska is waaaaay more legit than being governor of Nebraska.

This is potentially the most generic headline in the history of generic headlines.

Nebraska is being flooded with Colorado marijuana, so it'll be a lot cooler now.

If Ryker Fyfe doesn't win the backup QB job, he still be my Number One.*

MICHIGAN

In Ann Arbor, this is like the release of the Pentagon Papers.

Michigan has built a "fake city" to test a driverless car. The "fake city" is located on North Campus, home of the art school, the school of engineering, and my freshman year dorm where I learned critical lessons about how much Bacardi Gold will cause you to black out.

Les Miles would like to see his son at Michigan. I would like to have a breakfast burrito.

PURDUE

Good luck to you, tiny baby. Good luck.

Purdue has a "top farmer" conference. I hope Tyra Banks is host.

Removing seats from your football stadium doesn't bode well.

ILLINOIS

Who will Illinois upset this year, besides their own fans?

An overview of Illinois football this year. Weeee.

MICHIGAN STATE

Michigan State's new uniforms look saucy.

Nope, don't want to, no thank you.

Michigan State-Oregon is going to be a good game.

WISCONSIN

All-red uniforms? I'm in.

My list of most important badgers would include Lord Brocktree and Boar the Fighter, but that's just me.

Wisconsin's non-conference schedule looks intriguing.

INDIANA

Tre Roberson is transferring. That's...interesting.

Tom Crean sure hopes not.

The first sentence of this piece is "Indiana basketball is leaving the country" and I pretty much stopped reading after that.

PENN STATE

Coach Herb Hand was on "Chopped." The offseason is very long.

Good luck to Devon Still and his daughter. Cancer is stupid.

Aaron Carter is performing in State College this November so you should probably get in line now.

IOWA

Iowa got a 42 ton magnet. That is a very large magnet. That is all I have to say about this magnet.

You go, headline writer.

Iowa collecting offensive linemen is like Wisconsin collecting 250-pound running backs who are perfectly happy to run directly into traffic: it just feels right.

MINNESOTA

Rats also feel bad about what they said to Brenda that one time a few months ago.

This is both cool, and kind of horrifying, but still cool.

What is an "experienced American?" I have eaten at Perkins. Does that count?

NORTHWESTERN

These new video boards will be a great way to watch Northwestern lose in heart-breaking fashion.

Notre Dame-Northwestern is $148 because capitalism is weird.

This series will henceforth be known as "The Sad Series."

*  Why yes, I'm happy to discuss Star Trek: The Next Generation.

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