MATLOCK VS. THE NCAA

IT'D TAKE LESS THAN 44 MINUTES

[a Dixieland jazz refrain plays]

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A courtroom in Oakland, California. Ben Matlock strides to the front of the courtroom.

NCAA counsel: Objection! Opposing counsel is deceased.

Matlock: We gonna let technicalities ruin a good morning, your honor? [smiles 500 watt grin]

Judge: Just this once, Mr. Matlock.

Matlock: I sure do appreciate that, your honor.

[Defense counsel sets self on fire]

Matlock: I'd like to call my first witness: the NCAA.

[NCAA takes the stand]

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Matlock: Now, good morning to you. State your name and profession.

NCAA: I'm the NCAA. My job is [mumbles incoherently]

Matlock: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

NCAA: It's hard to explain.

Matlock: I have time for my friends, sir. And we are friends, aren't we?

[five hours pass]

Matlock: Well alright, let's get on to business. Do college sports make money?

NCAA: In some cases, yes.

Matlock: And who sees that money?

NCAA: You know, money has a lot of definitions, and---

Matlock: You paid in money?

NCAA: Yes.

Matlock: And the coaches, they get paid in money?

NCAA: Oh heavens yes.

Matlock: And the student-athlete---

NCAA: They receive a scholarship, and a stipend.

Matlock: Can I buy some DELICIOUS BISCUITS AND A SWEET CADILLAC with that scholarship?

[turns to jury, grins, winks, hands out old fashioned candies like licorice sticks and sarsparilla to all of them without the judge saying a word]

[jury CACKLES]

Maybe get a room at Lake Lanier, rent me a paddleboat and play a little golf while I'm at it?

NCAA: um

Matlock: We're waiting.

[three days elapse]

NCAA: No.

Judge: This trial is over, Jesus that was stupid, let's go home.

[Dixieland jazz plays, credits roll]

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