THE BIG TEN IS GETTING A LITTLE NSFW

Oh baby. - Pat Lovell-USA TODAY Sports

IT'S EROTIC IN A BIG TEN WAY, WHICH IS TO SAY THAT IT'S NOT EROTIC

The B1G is a sexy, sexy conference. Don't listen to whatever the MAC or the Pac-12 say - nothing is hotter than the Big Ten and its 12 hot, throbbing members. Sure, the SEC has flash and style, but the Big Ten knows that it's the motion in the ocean that gets the job done, especially if the job is "go .500 in non-conference play."

But what does the Big Ten find sexy? As with anyone, it depends. It's not all flailing penises* in the Midwest - every Big Ten school has its own secret fantasies, fantasies it only reveals when it's pretty hammered after six games of flip cup and has just told you the same joke three straight times. If every Big Ten team fired up its Livejournal and made some NSFW fanfic for itself and its Livejournal community dedicated to hentai and cheese, here's what it might look like:

MINNESOTA: Look at you. It's like 1936 up in this bitch, with three consecutive national titles in football but without the looming threat of Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy and Japan's incursion into Manchuria. You never knew that things could be so good, but when University President Kirby "totally not dead" Puckett said that you could be a contender, you trusted him and his winning goatee. Richard Pitino is now widely recognized as the greatest basketball coach in the game today and barely ever looks completely overwhelmed anymore, and you've done so well that the NCAA has given you back that 1997 Final Four appearance because winners are winners, regardless of any "infractions." Wisconsin would be so jealous if President Puckett hadn't forced the Big Ten to relegate the Badgers to "small community college/cheesemonger" status.

PENN STATE: Man, the years since 1994 have totally flown by and nothing bad has happened! Nothing at all! Nothing even remotely controversial/immoral/illegal/life-altering! Joe Paterno continues to be the greatest college football coach of all time and at no time did he ever hire anyone who is now residing in prison for the rest of eternity! Beginning with that 1994 national title you won handily, it's been 20 years of nonstop success and happiness for the Penn State football program without even the slightest delicate whiff of controversy! And boy, has that success ever carried over to all parts of the Penn State athletic department, as the men's basketball team is coming off of its third national title, proving once and for all that "Success with Honor" isn't just a catch-phrase, it's a way of life that's also a registered 501 (c)3 and trademark! No wonder they actually went ahead and renamed State College "Happy Valley" which does make sense because "State College" is literally the least creative name for a college town that's not "College Town."

MICHIGAN STATE: Who knew that Michigan State could become the first Big Ten school to be officially named Greatest School in the Country and Way Better Than Michigan? You did, that's who. After the 1966 season that included a "Game of the Century" that wasn't a fucking 10-10 tie, it's been nonstop success and accolades for ol' Sparty, with absolutely no moronic "roughing the kicker" or "pass interference/armed assault" penalties to ruin anything! I would say the success really came to fruition once Magic Johnson was named University President and orchestrated a brilliant takeover of the Michigan university system that made the University of Michigan into Michigan State University - Ann Arbor. Who's a school for commuters and people who couldn't get into Grand Valley State now, huh?

MICHIGAN: Now that Harvard has been officially renamed the "Michigan of the East," everyone knows that the University of Michigan is the best university in the history of universities or the word "best." Bo Schembechler has led the team to success that even Fielding H. Yost, who was totally not racist and anti-Catholic, would envy. Michigan's offensive line has never been an absolute fucking popsicle of a shitshow and Darrell Funk has the whole country "Funk in Love." But when Mike Hart took over as running backs coach from Fred Jackson and Nebraska had its share of the 1997 National Championship taken away for being "not as good as Michigan" and Charles Woodson won a second Heisman in 1998 while being as lithe as a goddamn dancer, you knew the football program was on track for incomparable greatness. Remember when Denard Robinson ran and threw for 1,000 yards at Ohio Stadium while Ohio State fans writhed in pain and agony and then Denard was immediately awarded two Heismans, one for athletics and one for being a really nice guy? Man, that was awesome. Couple that with the overwhelming success of the Michigan basketball program following back-to-back titles in 1992 and 1993, with Chris Webber being named "Most Valuable Player and Also Coolest Person and Totally Not a Recipient of Illegal Money," and Michigan athletics is more on fire than the couches burned in East Lansing following the relegation of Michigan State and Ohio State to "barely even schools, certainly not rivals" status. No wonder Michigan's new capitol is Ann Arbor, marking a new era of fiscal prosperity and a strong propensity towards jay-walking for the entire state.

PURDUE: When Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees abruptly hung up his cleats and retired from the NFL, no one could know that his return to Purdue would launch the football program into the stratosphere. Who can forget that epic Sports Illustrated cover with Brees and new QB coach and fellow Super Bowl MVP Kyle Orton standing back to back with the headline "PURDUES AND DON'TS"? Now West Lafayette is known as the "Baby Bjorn of Boring but Effective Quarterbacks" and is totally not boring. It's too bad Notre Dame was forced to end its yearly game with Purdue, but the games were just so uncompetitive. And how could I forget how much success Coach Robbie Hummel has had with the basketball program? After Purdue pioneered preventative ACL/MCL replacement, no one could stop the Boilermakers and its cadre of players who have dreamed their entire lives of playing for a team whose mascot looks like he's one mild disagreement away from going on a steroid-fueled rampage and driving a school bus directly into a lake.

OHIO STATE: When Urban Meyer ascended into the heavens to a seat at the right hand of Jesus Christ following his second undefeated season in Columbus, we knew Ohio State football was in for something special. Sure, they'd certainly never had a down season or started Joe "Like a Baus" Bauserman at anything above "head guy who gets everyone towels," but a decade of winning and the unexpected but unsurprising smiting of That School Up North by holy fire rendering the entire town naught but ashes and smoldering remnants of a team that wasn't even that good ever anyway really got things going. The "Carlos Hyde runs every fucking down" strategy revolutionized the game, nay, the very fabric of society, and at no time did any Ohio State secondary ever make Tajh Boyd look like a fucking genius. And Coach Aaron Craft and his team of players who are the precise combination of Aaron Craft, Jared Sullinger, and the good parts of Greg Oden have made Big Ten basketball even more gritty and cerebral than ever and not in a "vague dog whistle of racism" sort of way. Columbus is the seat of power in the Midwest and widely recognized as one of the most beautiful cities in the world, like Venice but without the sinking or the garbage strikes.

ILLINOIS: Illinois football has long been a storied program, but Player-Coach Juice Williams has really taken them to new heights. He's like the Bob Zuppke of the 2010s, and since everyone of course knows who Bob Zuppke is that reference makes total sense. Sure, no one's ever left school, won a Super Bowl, returned to college and continued to play QB while being the greatest coach in the history of the program, but when both he and Rashard Mendenhall were all like, "Bill Russell did it sort of," the NCAA was all "oh, okay." Illinois basketball is undefeated since 2005, marking the longest win streak in the history of college basketball as far as you know or care. Coach Dee Brown really is a marvel, and Illinois fans continue to be the embodiment of the very spirit of class, decorum, and goodness.

NORTHWESTERN: Man, academics really are important! It's a good thing collegiate athletics have been banned, but not before Northwestern was named Chicago's Actual Big Ten Team No For Real and John Shurna won a national title.

IOWA: It's the National Championship game and Iowa, once again, is completely dominating some poor SEC school that doesn't start a 5* lineman at every single position. What's this? Is... is Kirk Ferentz... he IS! Kirk Ferentz has crossed over onto the opponent's sideline and is currently Nae-Naeing in front of a weeping Nick Saban! Look at him go! What a way to seal a third consecutive national title won, and the second won with points only scored by tight ends! It's a good thing that Iowa City is known to be the New York City of the plains, full of nonstop action and excitement and incredibly attractive people, or this would really get those Hawkeye fans aflutter! Over at the Fran McCaffery Center for Solid Fundamental Basketball, the Iowa Hawkeyes are running teams out of the gym with their not-at-all-boring-to-real-fans-of-the-game-like-you style of play. Lob City? Please, Iowa's more like Drive to the Lane and Get Fouled Incorporated Township now, and when they press nothing ever goes horribly wrong!

NEBRASKA: Someone put on some Montell Jordan because it's 1995 and everything's awesome in Lincoln! Nebraska football is an unassailable dynasty and at no time does the team ever lose to Kansas and a human beach ball by 37 points! Nebraska is the first team to play in two conferences simultaneously so that a back-in-school Ndamukong Suh can continue to brutally murder and consume Big 12 quarterbacks right there on the field while also competing against the best of the Big Ten who still aren't as good as Nebraska! But don't forget, Tim Miles and Nebrasketball have really taken the "adorably pathetic" out of Nebraska basketball, leading the team to multiple title games and filling the city of Lincoln with joy.

WISCONSIN: You'd think that seeing former coach Bret Bielema be eaten by dolphins would have been a tragic coda to an era of nonstop winning by Wisconsin football teams, but you'd be wrong. Why, Wisconsin just won its fifth national title, winning the Rose Bowl again while beating Stanford into the form of some Mesopotamian city state (I'm thinking Ur, but I've always been a fan of Sumerian architecture.) It's been a magical ride for Wisconsin, what with a team made up of only incredibly attractive white people winning an NCAA title in basketball and alcoholism being ruled a "sign of good character" and "something we should definitely encourage in young people" by the American Medical Association. What an amazing time for Wisconsin, which has never lost in controversial fashion to any Big Ten team ever and certainly not on a questionable Hail Mary or buzzer beater or anything like that.

INDIANA: You knew Indiana had really hit the national stage when Beyonce released her new single, "Throw A Chair In the Air Just Like Indiana University President Bobby Knight." Catchy, and a great soundtrack to a basketball season so awesome that it made 1987 just look like the year the person writing this was born. You'd think ten consecutive national titles would make winning get old, but you'd be wrong. Victor Oladipo, who petitioned the NCAA to allow him to play for both Indiana and an NBA team not located in a stupid city like Orlando, has been National Player of the Year 6 straight times and Cody Zeller is widely revered as a god among mere mortals who get super pumped up about bicycle races and wearing vertical stripes. It's a good thing Indiana definitely isn't the most boring state in the union to drive through or else the success coming out of Bloomington would just be too much to take!

*This is what pornography for straight people is, right? I imagine it as being like a Busby Berkley film but just with penises and women looking excited about penises, like "yay, penis!"

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