THE B1G IS TAKING A TRIP

Hold on, Al. Shit's about to get weird.

FREE. YOUR. MIND. (EXCEPT YOU, PAT NARDUZZI. YOU KEEP YOUR MIND RIGHT DAMN THERE.)

This week's B1G report is going to be a little experimental. Maybe like "Phillip Glass" experimental, maybe like "otters playing a piano" experimental, maybe like "an incident in May of 2009 that you cannot prove my involvement in" experimental. Let's imagine what would have happened if one B1G game went slightly differently. Where would we be? How would our lives have changed? What's the statute of limitations on trespassing, hypothetically?

Let's go back to January of 2008. January 2008 was a different time, a time when men were men, women were women, presidential primaries were taking place, "Atonement" won a Golden Globe,  and Ron Zook was a head coach at a Division 1 institution and no one was like, "huh, that's odd."

Following a 9-3 season featuring losses to Michigan* and Iowa and a win at OSU over a then-#1 Buckeye squad**, the Illinois Fighting Illini were selected to head to the Rose Bowl to take on USC. This was Illinois' first bowl game since 2002. It did not go well.

USC had 633 yards of offense against Illinois, with 344 yards on the ground. Joe McKnight averaged 12.5 yards per carry. Multiple people have uploaded this game to YouTube, proving that human beings are deeply flawed. Watching ten minutes of this game has turned me into a Hobbesian.

But what if Illinois won this game?

What if Illinois, 13.5 point underdog, came into Pasadena and beat Pete Carroll, John David Booty, and 38 NFL Draft picks?

1.) Pete Carroll resigns because losing to Stanford (a 41-POINT UNDERDOG. 41. THAT'S INSANE. I WATCHED THAT GAME, AND IT'S STILL INSANE) and a flawed Illinois team after being ranked #1 is too much for then-AD Mike Garrett.

2.) OC Steve Sarkisian (who replaced Lane Kiffin after Kiffin went to the Raiders, because this was 2008 and man, shit was weird) is not hired by the University of Washington because that would be weird.

But who does Washington go for? Who's got experience, wins over rivals in a tough conference, and really shiny hair?

Tommytuberville_jpg_medium

TOMMY FUCKING TUBERVILLE.

And who is joining the UW Husky party, which I assume involves blowing coat every fall and chewing on shoes?

:: moves away from window ::

:: locks doors ::

2007_auburn_tigers_football_team___wikipedia__the_free_encyclopedia_medium

AL BORGES AND WILL MUSCHAMP COACHING IN THE PAC-10.

AL BORGES AND WILL MUSCHAMP COACHING IN THE PAC-10.

POP A MOLLY BECAUSE I AM COVERED IN THE SWEAT OF HISTORICAL HYPOTHETICALS.

FUCK BATH SALTS, BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL SHIT RIGHT HERE.

ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR OWN EYEBALLS IN YOUR SKULL?

I SHOULD PROBABLY SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.

In other B1G news:

The last time a Nebraskan ate this much Texas steer, Colt McCoy was running for his life.

Iowa football players performing 410-pound hang cleans last summer because THERE IS NO GOD.

Michigan football is 135 years old today, so SUCK IT RACINE COLLEGE.

This headline was 28% funnier nine months ago.

Indiana and UConn are playing a home-and-home because you didn't vaccinate your kids, did you.

Penn State has the SEC all in a tizzy. "All in a tizzy" is an underused idiom.

Northwestern's 2014 season could go a lot of ways. A few of those ways are "very badly."

A Minnesota lineman has left the team due to concussions. Good luck, dude.

OSU's Jamal Marcus is transferring.

This headline features the words "Purdue" and "sprinting" and "success" and is somehow referencing football, so there's that.

Apparently Wisconsin is just sitting outside the houses of high school players in California, Texas, and Florida, not really doing much of anything, just thinking. Sure would be nice to have company.

* Lloyd Carr running this play was the most shocking moment of 2007, even more shocking than finding out that you can drink an entire bottle of Malibu and still be relatively coherent.

**They went to the national title game, losing to LSU. This same OSU squad strangled Michigan to death 17-3 in driving sleet. Following the game, I walked home, ate an entire pizza, and lay on the floor for two hours.

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