Wisconsin, we've asked you here because we want to talk.
We've all come here today because you matter to us, Wisconsin, and we want you to know how your actions are affecting us. For a long time, we tried to ignore your behavior and go about our lives. That is no longer an option, and it is time we all admitted the truth: you have a drinking problem.
The problem is that you are too awesome at drinking. We, the rest of the country, cannot keep up with you. Your wiring is different from ours; where we stop and think "no, I should stop drinking because I need to go to work/spend time with my family/exercise/appear in court tomorrow." But a Wisconsinite can, and will, do all those things after drinking an entire bottle of gin. When the bombs fall, and the rest of us are either writhing in our painful last hours or scrounging for what few resources remain in our shell of a society, Wisconsinites will be calmly drinking their seventeenth beer and feeling fine.
What are the rest of us supposed to do? We think we've gone drinking because of that one Mardi Gras or that weekend in Las Vegas or oh man this one party junior year where the cops showed up and I swear they played flip cup with us. But then we go to Wisconsin.
These are supposed to be the UNITED States. So please stop drinking the other 49 under the table. We really need to be ready if Russia invades or something.
(Fine, we'll have one more drink.)