BAMA NEEDS AN OPPONENT AND THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

WHAT HAS TWO EYES, FEATHERS, AND IS UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CRIMSON TIDE?

You want to fill that hole in your schedule up, well, Alabama, we got some suggestions. A few of them are obvious: the teams Alabama has played, but never beaten. You're saying that's an error in the record books, and we're askin' why you trustin' what a book got to say about the world anyway. There's only three books you need in life, anyway: the Bible, The Last Coach, and Divergent by Veronica Roth. (We know what you're sayin', but the pages! They damn near turn themselves!)

Those schools are:

Camp Gordon

Carlisle Indian School

UCF

Cumberland

Georgia Navy Pre-Flight

New Orleans AC

Northern Illinois

Oklahoma State

Rice

Utah

Villanova

Wisconsin

This is not a typo: the University of Alabama has never beaten Rice, and is 0-3 against the Owls including the infamous tackle off the bench by Tommy Lewis.

Lewis would explain the tackle afterwards by saying that he was "too full of Alabama," a condition now recognized by the CDC as a very serious form of heavy metal poisoning.

The point is that Alabama only has two options, really: get revenge on the Owls by scheduling them and actually beating them for once, or play yourselves in the world's first Alabama/Alabama matchup. And in response, Rice must decline the invitation no matter the sum of money, and mount a sign on the upper deck of their stadium reading "UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CRIMSON TIDE, FOREVER." That'd be a juvenile and profit-hating thing to do to yourselves, Rice, but it'd be the only thing to do.

P.S. DON'T SCHEDULE GEORGIA SOUTHERN. THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

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